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Sonnenschein2000
18,788 M Progress Road 7
PathStep 91 Compassion hearts546 Forum posts112 Forum upvotes113 Current upvotes113 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2024 Member sinceNovember 29, 2020
Recent forum posts
Self-Haeming just for the sake (Possibile TW! )
Self-Harm Recovery / by Sonnenschein2000
Last post
 December 27th, 2021
...See more Just to be clear I'm already in therapy but it's not working much I guess? Also I feel better than how I used to so it's a progress. I don't have urges now. Not at all. It's been three weeks, except for some slips I've been clean for three weeks. I feel good! But sometimes I think what if I do it again? What could it feel like to do it again? And I don't think this because I feel like I need it, because if I don't do it I lose my mind, but just for the sake! It makes me mad. It feels more like it's my fault because it's all conscious, it's a choice I make to go against my progress even if I have no serious reason to have such a bad coping mechanism right now. I want to let it go, but at the same time I don't want to. It feels like I'm totally faking it. Because when you have urges, after you do it you can say it wasn't like you had any choice, but now I have a choice, I can consciously choose not to do it. And If I chose to do it it's my responsibility and my fault and it makes me feel even more bad, it's so childish. And I'm not even "" Addicted"" To the feeling or whatever because yes I can go on clean from three weeks so there's no problem. Why not keep hurting? Why not damaging myself more? Even if this scared me, I read all the side effects it might cause to my physical health and I get terrified and the willing to do it stops for some time but then I end up thinking who cares! I want to try it, to reach a point where I'll be satisfied with the results. Though I know I'll never be satisfied. And it's only a lie. I don't want to tell my therapist about my slips because I'm ashamed, I don't want to be attention seeking or immature.
Complex relationship with father
Family & Caregivers / by Sonnenschein2000
Last post
 December 13th, 2021
...See more I don't know how to put this, but basically, I'm pretty conflicted. I want to reconcile wit my father, at least I want to make peace with myself on how he treated me and how I've felt hurt by him, now that I'm an adult and I have more awareness and maturity, and I'm responsible for myself, and I'm trying to know myself better. I want to give myself the possibility to accept his love and to give him my love, maybe hug him and say I love you and spend more time with him to know him more, but at the same time, I want to make him suffer or to at least stay away from him, both emotionally and physically. Because I feel like he doesn't deserve my love nor my respect and I still hate him on some degree though I'm understanding. I have 20 years of bottled up rage toward him. Even if I express it, and I expressed it a lot during the last years, it stays there anyway, maybe it fades a bit, but it never goes away completely and sometimes I don't even want it go away because it became a part of me. I spit venom every time I try to talk to him about how I feel. And his replies never satisfy me anyway. My father used to yell a lot when I was little, he raised his voice and made us kids scared of making mistakes and told us not to cry when he did this, or at least this is what I remember. My mother and father used to fight for every little thing. Surely this all hurt me, maybe it hurt me more than my two younger siblings, but I mean, it was okay. I have had a good childhood. My parents love me and provide for me, they are good people, no one abused me in any way. Yes they made mistakes, but everybody does, I don't expect them to be perfect, they did and still do their best. So why I feel this rage? I feel like I'm not entitled to be this angry and I don't know how to let it go, I suppose it is a long process, it takes time. Thank you to whoever will read this.
Self-jarm thoughts, help
Self-Harm Recovery / by Sonnenschein2000
Last post
 March 8th, 2022
...See more Let's start saying I've been clean for 4/5 years now, I thought I did it, I thought it wasn't a problem anymore, though seeing my scars fading and dissapearing always makes me feel bad, it's like I feel ashamed because I stopped and because my scars are small in comparison to others. Lately I have a constant urge to hurt myself. I rarely act just because I live with my family and it's summer, I don't want people to see and to know, but these urges are draining, they are always there in my mind. I don't know how to stop them and I don't know why they keep coming back. I never told anyone about this. I'm tired.
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