Self-jarm thoughts, help
Let's start saying I've been clean for 4/5 years now, I thought I did it, I thought it wasn't a problem anymore, though seeing my scars fading and dissapearing always makes me feel bad, it's like I feel ashamed because I stopped and because my scars are small in comparison to others. Lately I have a constant urge to hurt myself. I rarely act just because I live with my family and it's summer, I don't want people to see and to know, but these urges are draining, they are always there in my mind. I don't know how to stop them and I don't know why they keep coming back. I never told anyone about this. I'm tired.
@Sonnenschein2000
Hello!
Firstly, I must say I'm proud of you for reaching out. It's not easy! Staying clean for 4/5 years deserves appreciation too! It can definitely feel like you're well past it. Well, I do think I should say that staying clean for so long must not have been easy, so yes, you have come a long way.
I can relate to feeling ashamed for stopping and everything else you mentioned, like scars fading / being small.
I'm sorry you're getting those urges again, they're definitely draining, especially when you're trying to not let people see or know. It's absolutely tiring when they're always there. It's okay to feel like this, it's valid.
How do you feel about the situation? Anything that has worked for you in the past? Anything that has happened or you have felt recently that'd explain these urges? (Feel free to skip any or all questions)
Know that we're here for you. We'll get through this. <3
(Please tag me in case you reply and want me to see it as that is only how I shall get a notification)
@theriverissinging
**TW self-harm and scars**
Thank you so much for replying, it means a lot.
I don't know how I feel, to be honest I'm not good at identifying my triggers.
Right now I cannot stand the thought of not having scars, I cannot see my arms clean, I need to see the signs, at least to me they have to be visible, but my scars are dissapearing for real and this hurts me. I tried harming myself yesterday but I did nothing in the end because here it's summer and I'm too scared people will notice. I know how much it sucks to have fresh cuts and scars, but I still want them. And it breaks me exactly because I have no reason, I'm fine, my life is good, I feel nothing when I feel the urges... but still I feel the need to listen to the voice that says to me "what if? What if you do it? It's what you want, do it, it can make you feel better".
I want to reach out but I can't, I feel like a liar. I am a liar. Not having visible scars makes it hard, it's like I cannot reach out if I don't have scars. If I talk about it, if I let it go, I have nothing left in me.
@Sonnenschein2000
Hey again! (What should I refer you as, if you're comfortable sharing?)
It's okay to not know how you feel, feelings are often hard. I don't know my triggers much either.
Honestly, I do understand how the thought of not having scars can hurt. It's okay to feel these urges (I mean it). You might have no reason but it still hurts. It may not feel reasonable right now, but it is still causing you distress.
I can hear you saying no amount of self-harm will make it up for me / will be 'enough' for me to reach out, if I'm getting this right? It's like, "As long as I have scars, it makes sense for me to reach out." I definitely understand where that's coming from, it's valid, it really is. I do need to say, you are struggling, and it's seen. It is absolutely okay to reach out and ask for support. I do understand it can feel like you are a liar. If you are doing this for attention, why are you doing it all alone?
All I can see is this is a difficult situation for you, and we're here for you in this, together. <3
We have a self-help guide for self-harm if you'd like to check it out - Click Me! Let me know if you'd be interested in reading and discussing it!
Sending you love. <3
Hey! @theriverissinging
Sorry for my late reply! I completed the self-help guide and it was nice, thank you for sending it.
Today I feel much better, I don't feel any urges, but at the same time that's something that doesn't sit right with me. I was getting used to these urges, they were what could make me say "okay maybe I'm not alright", instead now I am alright and a part of me doesn't like it. I want the pain again, though the pain it's never enough and I always feel like I'm faking. Can it be? Can it be real that I am really faking and forcing my pain? That in truth there is no pain at all, and I'm just empty?
It's like when I get better I just forget how bad it was before and I question the reality of it all even more.
I'm scared that talking about it here might have made me feel like this, because at first I needed it badly to talk and it helped me enormously, but right now maybe it's the reason I don't want to feel better and I am ashamed of it.
Take your time to reply, thank you again for listening to me.
@theriverissinging
@Sonnenschein2000
Glad you found the guide nice.
I understand what you're trying to say. It just doesn't "feel right" or something? I also get wanting the urges back, so as to reassure yourself that you're struggling. If it helps to know, I see your struggle and it's very tough constantly questioning what's happening to your own self.
Even if there is no pain, feeling empty is just another tough part. I can relate to just forgetting how bad it was before, it's okay to forget it. Your thoughts are valid. At the same time, they may or may not be your reality.
I do understand the dilemma, it might be hard to even sit with it or think about it. It's okay to not want to feel better, I have been there too, maybe I still am. I can see how comfortable it might feel because of the prolonged-ness of it but it's still hard anyway. I'm still here for you. <3
I think you said talking about it helped you, so maybe that's something to keep in mind?
I realise this is a lot of work and heck, it might feel like you don't even know what is it that's troubling you so much, but know that it's valid. It's okay to feel like this.
What do you think can be done differently, just to help you in some way?
Once again, I am extremely sorry about the late reply. Sending you love! <3
Hey
@theriverissinging
Sorry for the late reply, I was a bit busy.
And yes talking like this helps a lot, it helps me understanding what Kind think and feel, it helps me having someone who listens and who makes questions that make me reflect.
Yes, it's hard questioning full non stop the reality and the truthfulness of my experience. I'm tired.
I realized how I never considered my relapses as "real relapses" because they never left a permanent sign and they were not serious enough. I cannot do otherwise. I keep saying I've been clean for 5 years;
But what about when I scratch my skin with nails and it leaves bruises? When I hit my legs? When I try to make just tiny cuts because I'm scared of people finding out?
They just make me feel more ashamed because they are not enough (not big/deep/numerous/harmful enough). Nothing is enough.
I'm tired of thinking constantly about this. It's like it's all I have, it's all my mind keeps turning to every time. it's all I have inside me. If I will ever talk about it with people in my life, it means they'd able to take this from me, it would mean having nothing left. And it's horrible to think I believe self-harm and urges are all I have, that without them I'm scared I will be nothing, empty.
Especially because I cannot even accept this feeling because I never self-harmed myself so badly that I can say yes, this is part of my identity. I never hurt myself enough to feel like this. My scars are fading, and now I can endure it, but some time ago I remember how lost it made me feel realizing I was going to lose my scars and there was nothing I could do to prevent it.
So, feeling like this means I should harm myself more... Though no matter how much more, nothing will ever be enough.
Thank you again!
sending you love <3
@Sonnenschein2000
Omg why don't I get a proper notification for this thread, I'm so sorry. I'll just subscribe to it, hope that helps haha.
@theriverissinging
Sorry it doesn't make me reply directly to your message.
And don't worry it's okay! I understand it's not your fault. >3
Thank you really, your words makes me feel understood. Thank you.
Yes that quote describes exactly how I feel. Like I'm both the victim and the murderer.
I wish I could have a space, you know? A space, a place, a moment where I could be able to feel everything I bottled up without being blocked and being scared. It's like there is something inside that I don't know how to let out and express and I don't feel safe and free anywhere. I need safe space. Nothing is enough to make it go away, not even if I cry, it always feels like the most part still keeps being inside me and it piles up no matter what.
Is there a limit for the number of messages that I can write in this thread? If so please let me know.
Hope you have a nice day, thank you again >3
@Sonnenschein2000
Thank you for understanding!
I also think you might find this post relatable.
@theriverissinging
Hey! Thank you again for your reply!
Oh yes that post it's so relatable it hurts. Though I It might have triggered me (but it's not your fault!!) It depends. The same thing might trigger me so hard one time and then nothing the next time so idk.
I'm trying to contact a therapist and see if we can set up an appointment because I think I really need it, I cannot procrastinate anymore. Maybe I can find my safe place with a psychologist. I hope so.
I feel relieved because I also told my mum about my decision to find a psychologist, thought I don't know why, but it's like asking for help makes the urges bigger. So much bigger. I don't know how to stop them. I hurt myself yesterday and it sucks because I can only think that I haven't hurt myself enough and it's superficial and I'm a coward and so I should do it again. And the thought is constantly in my head. When I eat, when I sleep, when I wake up. Urges are there. And feeling like I'm faking it all it's getting harder now.
Why asking for help makes me feel worse?
Why admitting I don't feel good makes me feel even more bad?
Having cuts makes me scared of even changing clothes because I don't want my family to the see them.
I live with my family and this just complicates everything though it's the reason why I don't go further so it also stops me from damaging myself in a more serious way.
As always thank you for being here with me, it means so much to me >3
@Sonnenschein2000
Hi again.
@theriverissinging
Another problema I have since I talked with my mother is that the voice inside my head that keeps telling me I'm faking it's getting exhausting. How can I stop it?
I just cannot stop thinking I'm exaggerating... What if I really am doing it?
Probably this is something I'd like to bring up in the session. And also understanding how to stop the urges and understanding why they keep coming and why I'm not able to express my feelings and crying freely when I need to which causes me to bottle things up. Understanding why I'm feeling like this NOW, because as I said some time ago I thought I overcame everything but maybe I just hidden everything even from myself.
I mean there are so many things lol.
It feels weird being scared of talking with my parents because they love me, I'm lucky to have parents that support me, but I'm scared nonetheless.
@theriverissinging
Also, yesterday my mother found out about my cuts.
It's okay, she was lovely, she hugged me and she cried with me and I'm so thankful, but now the fact that she knows about my self-harm makes me feel HEAVY.
She also told me I should talk with my father, at least let him know I'm not totally okay right now but I don't want to.
I don't want things to change. I don't want her to be worried or to think I need more support and I don't know why this makes me feel uncomfortable.
Maybe it's because I believe I'm exaggerating and I feel like they might see a bigger issue where there is something much more little instead...
I cannot stop thinking:
what if she didn't found out?
Would she consider my mental health condition in the same way?
Without the cuts would she understand how bad I'm feeling sometimes despite the fact that I'm unable to express with words all of this to her?
I don't think so, despite how much she loves me, I think cuts make everything seem bigger, and all of this hurts me, I guess, even if I feel unable to feel really that hurt...
@Sonnenschein2000
Hi!
(Also, I hope this is readable haha, let me know if you prefer a change in font size / spaced paragraphs / anything as such which makes it more accessible for you)
@theriverissinging Hi, I wasn't planning to go on a break but it's kind of unavoidable due to personal reasons. I won't be available for 1-2 weeks on here. However, feel free to use this space to rant or post things, I'll reply for sure after I come back! Bye! <3
@theriverissinging
I'm sorry I didn't reply to you, I'm deeply sorry. I needed a little break and I'm sorry I didn't told you.
I want to let you know that I'm going to see a psychologist for the second time this Saturday.
I still feel overwhelmed sometimes, but I'm happy and glad I'm having the opportunity to meet a therapist, I just hope it is a good one, but I guess we'll see in the next sessions if she's a good fit for me.
I don't have urges now, i just hope this therapist can understand how badly I feel and how heavy it is for me to talk about my scars and self harm issues, I hope just because they are superficial she won't dismiss it all as something easy.
I'm scared I'm making something big out of nowhere, I should start studying for uni, but I don't feel ready, I cannot stop thinking about all these issues and it's hard to concentrate, I'm in a fragile happy mood. I try to be happy, but it's like I'm on the edge of breaking at every minute and I don't know if my parents get it.
Thank you again for everything, I'm grateful I've had the opportunity to talk with you when I needed it >3
Hope you are doing well! Take care of you
@Sonnenschein2000
I'm glad you're going to see the psychologist for the second time now. Yeah, it can take a few sessions to decide whether she is a good fit for you or not.
It's okay to feel overwhelmed. I hope she understands that this is really a tough topic for you to just talk about and it deserves her attention and support.
It can definitely be hard to concentrate on other things when your mind seems fixated on these.
Let me know how the session goes, will be rooting for your well-being. <3
I'm glad to have talked to you too. And I'm doing okay, thank you!
@theriverissinging
hey! The session went good!
I felt relieved I could give voice to the major part of the thoughts that soffucated me this past week. I hope this next week I'll feel less tormented, despite at the same time I don't want to (here it is the always present duality of my brain that cannot let me stay in peace just for one second).
The doubt of not being sure of how much the psychologist understands me is still there. I was thinking I might ask her if she has ever worked with someone who had self-harm issues before, because maybe some things are hard to get if you never experienced them or studied them.
Sometimes it irritates me the fact that my self-harm behavior might be largely related to some issues I have with my father and how the therapist implies that yes it can be and I know it's true, but I don't want these two things (the anger I have towards my father and self-harm) to be that much connect.
Also I'm realizing I trigger myself, I search things with the purpose to make the urges come back, because I need cuts to feel validated and because I don't want to let these behaviors go away. The ironic thing is that I trigger myself with interesting content, for example with videos or articles that both help me feeling less alone and are useful to understand more about self-harm, but at the same time while I watch them it's like I cannot watch something about self.harm and feel connected with it if I don't actually injure myself.
Sometimes I feel triggered by knives or scissors, just watching them could make me think I might use them to hurt myself, though I never acted when it happened this past week. It's quite disturbing though conforting (yeah it's weird).
I tried explaining all these things to the psychologist, but, as I said earlier, I don't know how much she understood.
Thank you again for everything :3
@Sonnenschein2000
It can definitely be hard to empathise and understand if the person has never experienced them or worked with someone who has an experience with them. Sounds like a good idea to ask her about it!
It can be very frustrating to come to terms with something you don't want to, I feel you. It is not easy and that's okay. I mean, it's okay to not have it all together, it's okay to not feel/be okay.
I can understand the need for validation and how self-harm can seem to help. And yeah, the videos and articles can definitely be validating too but also end up with you invalidating yourself and your struggles.
It's not weird, I feel like that too. I hope you can get an understanding and supportive environment and feel safe with the psychologist.
What are some things you expect from the next therapy sessions, if any? And what do you wish the psychologist understood the most about in this situation?
@theriverissinging
okay, I'm going to be honest and I'm sorry.
I relapsed.
I cut myself one hour ago. Nothing deep anyway.
But I don't know why I did it.
It's like I just want to do it, you know?
It sounds weird to say it, but it's like a bad habit I don't want to stop doing just for the sake of it.
I had no triggers, I had no reason, no big emotional breakdown, I just thought about it and decided to do it as soon as I was alone like it was normal.
I might even feel proud I did it and I don't get it.
I don't get it. Just some months ago I would have never even thought about something like this.
I don't know maybe it's because I'm doing anything good with my life right now and if I keep cutting at least I have a reason to keep doing nothing. At least I can say I'm doing something, though self injury it's not healthy.
@theriverissinging
@Sonnenschein2000
Hi, thank you for being honest, really appreciate that. I don't think there is anything to apologise for here.
Well, it doesn't sound weird to me because I have felt so at some point too. But I do understand how confusing it can be to not understand the "reasons". I have self-harmed out of "boredom" or "feeling euphoric or numb" sometimes, if it helps to know. It's okay, you don't have to be so hard on yourself. We might not see logic or the rationality here and it can be very tough that way. I really appreciate how honest you've been to me about this. It's okay to feel this way (not that it's easy, though).
I understand what you're trying to say here. I'm with you. What do you need most out of this moment right now?
@theriverissinging
Thank you for listening to me, right now I feel a lot better, I don't have any urges since monday (and i'm trying to take care of the cuts), though I'm always scared they'll come back or that they won't come back at all anymore. Not having urges makes the struggles of the last few weeks less real. But it feels nice not to have triggers everytime I look at or pick up knives and scissors. Though now that I don't have to concentrate so much on self-harming I have the time to focus on others issues and probably I don't like it this much, but I have to deal with it, yup. Right now I just know I need to stop ruminating and go out living life and doing concretre things.
Sorry if lately it takes me more time than usual to reply.
Have a good day!
@Sonnenschein2000
I can understand and relate. Your struggle is real, truly! I can see that you're trying to reflect on where you stand presently and also realise how you've been feeling, which is great and I admire your work. You also realise you have to give time to other issues, which is great again. You might find something interesting in this guide: Getting Unstuck (although I don't agree with all that is written in there). No need to apologise, take the time you need! Keep me posted, waiting to hear back from you (in your own time)! Sending you love. <3
@theriverissinging
Thank you! That guide was a really nice read!
I want to be honest and tell you I cut myself yesterday. I was feeling sick, I had a fever so probably being physically tired made me more emotional (this week was great in comparison to the previous one so I don't get why I try to find even the smallest reason to keep hurting myself). It was strange because I felt the need to do it right after one of my friends told me she was feeling horrible. She's having a really hard time and it makes me feel horrible too, I wish I could help her more but there isn't much I can do.
Maybe I cut as a way of expressing my empathy toward my friend and also to manifest to myself my own tiredness, because I didn't felt entitled to vent to my friend because she was the one who was feeling bad, so I couldn't take the space she needed more in that moment. I know "it's okay" to use cutting as a way to demonstrate I suffer too but it feels stupid nonetheless.
@Sonnenschein2000
I'm sorry you've been feeling sick physically, I get emotional during such times too. Know that recovery is not linear.
Maybe it is your way of expressing empathy towards your friend, yeah and I also understand feeling tired. It was considerate of you to allow your friend to vent. Know that being there for her while also struggling yourself is enough, you're doing your best.
It's okay to self-harm to give a physical face to your suffering (until you have a healthier coping mechanism that helps you) and it's also okay to feel stupid. Your feelings or thoughts are not your reality but they are valid. It is more than okay to struggle despite having a "better time" than before.
I'm particularly amazed to see how well you've been reflecting back on your situation, thoughts and feelings.
I'm here for you and we're in this together. <3
Is there anything you enjoy doing, like a hobby?
@theriverissinging
Thank you. Talking with you really helps when I cannot go to therapy and my mind is a mess! I appreciate all the effort you are putting into keeping yourself in contact with me.
Thank you also for telling me how well I've been reflecting. Though it bothers me too. Actually, it irritates me. It has nothing to do with you obviously! I noticed this feeling even when the psychologist said similar stuff to me, something that was like "you are very good at analyzing" or "wow it seems to me you have very clear ideas and thoughts about these issues". I don't know how to take them as a compliment perhaps? it makes me angry?! misunderstood maybe? And well, this is something I cannot wrap my mind around right now.
As hobbies I like drawing and painting, reading, taking walks or running, sometimes I write and yeah, pretty much these are are my hobbies right now
hope you're doing well :3
Also!
I'm realizing how much I feel responsible for the group of my best friends (long-distance friendship). They are three friends of mine that I love with all my heart, we've been through a lot together for the past 7 years, we know each other deeply, but they are all going through some heavy stuff, they need support and I want so hard to be near them. Maybe even too much.
The thing is: I know I cannot take away their pain and their struggles, and I don't even want to do such a thing! I just want to love them, to be there for them, I don't want to leave them alone. They all see a psychologist and I'm really glad for it.
But all of this means also keeping secret all these issues with self-harm that I have because I know for sure they might get triggered and I don't want to feel responsible for triggering them. I'm good with it, I mean it's okay if I keep it a secret, at least now I have the support of a psychologyst, but... It is weight anyway having struggles you know you cannot talk about. I feel guilty of even just telling them when I have a bad day, because I end up think they are going through harder moments. I realize how much emotional energy I put into listening to them when they need it.
Also, right now in my head popped this thought: "maybe I can stop self-harming for them, to be more near when they need it! " And though it might be great I even know it might end into a situation where I'm not actually stopping but I'm just denying and suppressing my issues because I need to be the support system of other people.
@theriverissinging
Idk if you can see the replies I sent one day ago
Let me know
@Sonnenschein2000
Love talking to you! <3
Oh I feel you! A professional told me that too once and I was like "yes, the fact that I'm so self-aware is a part of the problem" lol. It is okay to feel angry/frustrated/bothered/misunderstood. It makes sense, honestly. So yes you might be good at analysing your situation but that doesn't mean it doesn't cause you distress. You don't have to take it as a compliment. :) How is therapy going for you?
Those are some cool hobbies, I love some of them like reading and taking walks too! I hope you are liking to spend time doing these things!
I understand you on the friendship part. I'm sorry you are all struggling at the moment. So very great to see your love and care for them. Struggles are not really comparable, you are all going through tough times and that means you all deserve support! I also understand the need to let it out, plus listening really needs a lot of emotional energy. So that can be hard for you. It's great that you are there for them and want to be there more. I hope you all get the support you need.
You said a thought came up in your mind that maybe you could stop self-harming for them. How do you feel about it right now, and how do you imagine you'd feel after a while in case you decide to go with it? What would be the pros and cons of stopping it for them? (Just asking you some questions to think upon, you don't have to put it all here or even think upon them, just sharing!)
Also, sorry if I am unable to reply quicker as I'm a bit unwell and have other plans here and in life outside. Kind of juggling but trying my best. I really appreciate you talking about all of this with me, you are a beautiful person! <3
@theriverissinging
First of all I want to thank you for all the time you are spending replying to me each time, I know it takes a lot of work, so it's completely okay if right now it's difficult for you to reply quickly. (I was a bit agitated the last time I wrote here, so that's the reason why I really needed a reply, i knew your words could make me feel better, but right now i'm calmer!)
You have to deal with your own life's problems so I completelty understand, please take the time you need, I don't want to stress you further. I appreciate you listening to me, you are a wonderful person too. Never forget that.
Thank you for your words. I'll tell you how therapy is going when I have the next session, we are doing one meeting per week, I wasn't able to there the last sunday.
Yes! I'm trying to spend time doing hobbies, the problem is that sometimes I don't even have the energy for them.
To be honest I don't know if stopping for them could help. Yes it feels kind and considerate, but I believe that if I want to stop for real, with no guilt or additional turmoil, I need to stop for myself only, I have to work on myself.
@Sonnenschein2000
Hey, it's okay to be agitated! I'm like that too. I was just letting you know the reason. Not stressful at all, just takes some energy, yep. But I really do love being here with you. Thank you so much for your kindness and understanding!
Thanks for letting me know about your schedule for therapy sessions. Will wait for your reply!
I understand not having the energy for doing things. If it is hard to muster up energy for things that you might enjoy, it may be even harder to dedicate it to things that you wouldn't like doing but have to.
I feel the "no guilt or additional turmoil" part. Fair enough. You do you, so it's very much understandable to stop for yourself so that there's no guilt or more thoughts surrounding it.
I did mean to ask you this previously but missed it - Do you take appropriate medical measures / first-aid after self-harming?
This might a good resource for first-aid if you're interested. You may also speak with the psychologist and/or GP about the same if you feel like!
@theriverissinging
Yes, exactly, some days it's hard doing both the things I love and the things I don't like much or dislike at all, and honestly to me it's okay. I know I need some time to adjust, though having good days makes me doubt everything and it's tiring. The problem is all the expectations I have on my shoulders. I should do so many things, you know? Both my parents and society expect stuff right now I'm not able to give and I'm scared my parents don't get it. I know they don't want me to get stuck, because honestly I know I'm likely to get stuck, but telling me to just move on and be positive feels invalidating when I manage to say to them I'm having bad days, and I mean I've had plenty of bad days lately and all these thoughts and feelings don't go away with a snap of fingers.
I use hydrogen peroxide as first-aid, but honestly I don't do much. The cuts are superficial (honestly I hate taking care of them so that's why I don't go deeper, I don't want infections or enormous amount of bleeding or other problems), so I just put some pressure till the blood stops and then I clean them but I don't use bandaid. I try to clean the tools too before, but I don't do it always.
The only problem is that some scabs fall off before the cuts are completely healed and that makes the scars a bit more visible, but I guess that scars would come anyway. I'm trying not to think about next summer, having to hide everything for the next months even if it will be winter it will be hard anyway.
That page is awesome! Thank you for giving me the link!
As always, thank you for your time and for being understanding. Take care of you!
*edited by forum mentor @rebecca947 to remove tool names as per SHR’s guidelines*
@Sonnenschein2000
Yeah, you definitely need time which is okay! The good days can put everything into question, I understand. Take it from me though, I have seen / see you and your struggles. <3
Parents and society do have a lot of expectations at times, for sure and we can happen to internalise those.
I get that, you can't "snap out of it" when you're told so and that can be very invalidating. They (your parents) care and may be concerned but they may not always get it or might happen to say invalidating things which wouldn't feel good. (same goes with me lol.)
What makes you have these expectations out of yourself and how do you feel about them?
Ah okay, thank you for elaborating on that. (I don't think that we're allowed mention tools as it's a public forum. Not that someone will read these but just to be on the safer side and not trigger anyone. The guidelines are here.)
Hiding scars is such a struggle, no matter the season at times. :( I understand.
Yes, I stumbled upon that site just a while ago! I just managed to read the first-aid part but looking forward to exploring it more! Glad you liked it.
Thank *you* for never forgetting to leave a kind message for me in your posts! Not that I want it but I really appreciate that, and as I said you don't have to thank me always. Take care of yourself as well! <3
@theriverissinging
You're right! I'm sorry, I really am. Can you eliminate my last comment? I don't want to trigger anybody. Actually when I was writing it I had some strong doubts, I knew it could be highly triggering, but I guess I was tired and I wrote everything that came to my mind without thinking about it much, it was my fault, it won't happen again! I know the guidelines, thank you for sending them anyway, I "just" completely forgot about them yesterday.I cannot even edit it and put a TW. :(
This afternoon I have the appointment with the psychologist, I'll let you know how it goes!
The pressures I have don't make me live happily anyway lol. I try to not think about them and just do what I want and what I know I need, but I feel like I'm behind my peers and I feel like I'm failing myself. Also I feel like I have no right to feel low or sad because as I already told you I compare myself to others and others always seem to have much more understandable reasons to take breaks and to take it slow.
It's the least I can do to thank you and at least send you some nice messages, you are doing a lot for me.
@Sonnenschein2000
No worries at all! It has been edited quite a while ago. :)
Sure, I'll be waiting for your reply on how it goes.
It makes sense to see it that way, given all that has happened and been going on. It can be weirdly self-invalidating when you compare yourself with others' struggles, if I'm getting that right? It's okay and I'm here as I always say. You don't have to go through this alone. <3
@theriverissinging
Oh okay! Great!
Thank you. I really feel alone and its comforting knowing you are here. :3
The session went good. I think next time I'll come with all my family. Maybe it helps. Idk. I hope so.
We talked a bit about what I told you about this last week and also about how I much I'm angry and hurt because of my father. I don't know it's like it irritates me talking about him, I wish I didn't have to talk about him, though that's the problem, I'm hurt and I don't want to acknowledge it fully.
Maybe it's me and I the fact that I had some strange expectations about therapy but yeah today didn't felt really good. I mean last time I felt better after the session, now I feel nothing and honestly I just want to cry. I realize it will take a while before I overcome everything but I guess I don't like it.
And it's so frustrating having this constant fear everytime I have to change clothes because I'm scared someone will open the door and see my self-injury. Some days it is enough to make myself promise I'll stop but honestly then there are moments where I just ask myself "why stopping? There's no reason to stop. You started. Keep doing it."
I want to feel so much worse.
@Sonnenschein2000 (Starting it here just like that lol.)
Of course, I'm here.
Good to know that. I mean, you can definitely explore how that goes if you feel like. I think I know what you're trying to say. It's like you'd want to ignore all of that but you just can't and it's frustrating either ways. Valid to feel so. Therapy isn't easy and sometimes it can leave us feeling worse than before. It's okay to have these feelings. I also get feeling nothing and just wanting to cry, that is okay and I hope crying helps. It's all uncomfortable, I understand. What would you like to change?
I can only imagine your frustration. Plus it being something constant could make it even more hard.
Thank you for sharing that, I know it's not easy and the feeling on wanting to feel worse is very real. I often read books or listen to sad songs to feel "worse" or just allow myself to feel. Do you think there is anything as such which you can do that could help?
Sending you love. <3
@theriverissinging
Today the uni courses of this new year started so i hope i'll have less time to ruminate and overthink, though at the end of the lessons I was exahusted, but I guess it's normal, I need to adapt again to this routine, and the last weeks were emotionally draining, I need to be kind with myself.
It stresses me a lot the thought of asking my parents to do one session of therapy together. I know it might be a good opportunity to talk about issues we need to face, but maybe I can ask my therapist a bit more time? There's nothing wrong if I changed my mind, right? I'm scared that doing a session together might make me feel even more heavy. Also, i have no idea of what might come out from such session, I don't know if my therapist has some questions she knows she wants to do to us already, and not knowing what discussions could generate scares me. I don't feel ready (though I'll never feel ready probably...)
Change... I'm scared, I'm terrified of change and at the same time I like it and I wish I could pursue it to grow better. Surely the first thing I'd like to change is the stress living with my family is causing me and also how much I'm unsure of myself and my capabilities.
Oh yes! I have many songs I can connect with in that kind of way, and they change periodically through time while I get older. Some time ago they made me feel bad though: I used to feel like those songs were talking about something so heavy, a pain so raw, and I wasn't entitled to even listen to them, so it was impossible and horrible i could relate to something like this, it wasn't my place, my emotions couldn't resonate with those songs.
@Sonnenschein2000
Oh, I started with my semester too today (though I don't know if I shall continue)! I hope so too. Yeah that makes sense, adapting to it might need time, yay for kindness towards yourself!
Understandable to be stressed, yeah, you can ask for more time! Maybe it's not about "wrong" or "right" but that how you feel about it matters. I sense discomfort and uncertainty about what might come, which is okay. You said you don't feel ready at the moment and you'll probably never feel ready, how does that make you feel or want you to go about the situation?
I get being terrified of change and also looking forward to it. Family stress, being unsure of yourself and your capabilities plus other things we've been talking about such as self-harm and change sounds like a lot to deal with at the same time.
I can only imagine feeling invalidated by yourself like that, you did resonate with the songs and the emotions but it might have felt like why even is that happening, if I'm getting that correctly?
Know that you are valid and I have so much love for ya! <3
@theriverissinging
Good luck! I really hope you'll be able to continue if you like what you are studying, or if instead you'd prefer to stop it's okay too, whatever the reason.
Yesterday I managed to tell my therapist that Just wanted to do just a session with her alone, and thankfully she said yes, it's not a problem if I need more time. I know it was just my nervousness, but I was really anxious she might have said no though obviously she would have never said so.
As I said I don't know if I'll ever feel ready, but at least I'd like to approach it when I feel even just a little bit more calm than how I am right now. Maybe after this session I'll be more sure.
Yes, you are correct. Now I don't feel this kind of big guilt when I listen to these songs but there were moments where it was heartbreaking, and idk if it might come back, because anyway I invalidating myself is a bad habit I have and yeah I don't do it with songs but it is still there in other forms.
Take care of you!
@Sonnenschein2000
I'm so sorry about the awful response timing lol, I somehow lost the notification again and got busy with things.
Thank you for being so kind. <3
Glad you could tell your therapist and she agreed. You can take your time, it's good to understand what you might need before feeling "ready". How are you doing now?
I understand it can be hard, I hope you're allowing yourself to feel, it's okay. <3
Take care of yourself too! Let me know how the next session goes and anything else you might want to say.
I'm sorry about the time again, sigh.
@theriverissinging
It's okay! Really I understand, i hope you're doing well.
I had the session this morning! It went good yeah we realized that maybe I need to talk more about myself rather than about my family. Yes family is an important part of me, but there are also many other things.
I feel bad though, I feel like I don't want to grow, I don't want to take care of the house or myself or my other responsabilities, I just want to do nothing, I want to keep feeling worse, I just want to be able to cut more deep, even when I'm fine and nothing's wrong and I don't have any negative emotion on the surface.
And all of this is very immature of me...
@Sonnenschein2000
I'm doing okay, thank you!
Good to know. "Yes family is an important part of me, but there are also many other things." - I agree. You can talk there about whatever you'd like really.
It's hard to take care of the house or yourself or do any of your responsibilities. I understand wanting to do nothing and keep feeling worse. I also understand the self-harm urges. I do not have the answers or can fix it for you but I'm here for you. <3
What makes you feel it is immature - like do you think there's a supposed time period in which you should be able to achieve/do certain things, or because you feel you want to avoid responsibilities or? What would growth look like for you?
@theriverissinging
I'm glad you're doing okay!
Just being here with me it's an enormous thing you are doing and I'm thankful for it. I don't even expect you to fix it, that's not your responsibility.
Keeping myself busy it's the only way to stop thinking about self-harm, and I know it, but yeah some days it's hard just starting things, the first step is the hard one, because then I even do the stuff I have to do, though it depends on how difficult the task is. Yesterday for example I purposely stayed at home alone just to relapse, and I could only think I wasn't relapsing enough "well". Thankfully today I'm busy!
Everything makes me feel immature. The fact that I want to do nothing and feel worse, the responsibilities I neglect or procrastinate, the expectations of the achievements that I should reach for a certain age.
I guess growth to me looks like doing what makes me feel uncomfortable despite the fear and shyness, moving beyond my self imposed limits and worries about the future, but it's hard if I feel like I make only mistakes everytime I try to take a step forward and so I end up retreating.
@Sonnenschein2000
I know you understand and I'm thankful for these conversations too.
I get how being busy helps to not think about self-harm. The initial steps are definitely hard because they ask you to do things by getting out of the "familiarity" around you. Yeah, I feel you, it's hard. :/
I get that and relate heavily. Just the fact that you're worried about it tells me you care. You're not alone, you're really not. I'm with you.
And yes, I relate to what you said about growth too. It's okay to be uncomfortable or afraid or shy or have limiting beliefs about yourself or be worried or make mistakes. None of those things is inherently "bad", it's human and it is very real! I'll be here with you if something ends up going wrong too.
Do you feel comfortable or perhaps I could say do you feel like taking small steps ahead towards whatever it is that you'd like to accomplish / see for yourself? (It's okay to make mistakes in the way, nobody is perfect.) Know that whatever you decide is okay and I'll be here to support you always. <3
@theriverissinging
Thank you for your understanding and your support! Knowing you are here it's comforting. When I red your words I was nearly crying ahah.
It depens on the days, some days I feel like I could conquer the world and other days I just want to do nothing, I'm trying to take it day by day, and maybe letting people know I need their support while doing some things. I'm trying to do little things despite the big worries I have, but I always feel like it's not enough.
I was wondering: maybe I feel like I need pain because many people around me are in pain and I need to demonstrate I'm in pain too? Which sounds silly, but yeah maybe I do it to connect and to belong with them, because otherwise i'd feel guilty about being too happy in comparison (even if they don't know how much I'm hurting), because I need to suffer in life, it's like if I don't suffer then I'm less than other people. But all of this argument is still something that makes me believe my pain is not genuine, I mean, I always end up here. My pain is always a contruction, a fake lie. Maybe I give it too much importance?
Some listeners ask me if i think I deserve pain when I s-h, and I aways reply that no, i don't think so, but maybe unconsciously I do?
I change mood so easily these days, I feel like my thoughts and the environment control my emotions more than I control them.
I need self-harm. I need a proof. I need a story to tell. I need a reason to say I feel low or to ask for help. I need to hurt, I'm not enough as a person if I'm not hurting, if I don't have struggles to face.
Oh and I always doubt my kindness. I mean I always ask myself, am I kind because I want to gain something from it (whether it is love/recognition/validation/feeling good and so on)? If so, how do I know it when I do it?
Does this make me a bad person?
Some days I think maybe I do it because I know how hard it is and I want to be there for people, or because there is all this love I should give myself but cannot, so I give it to people who need it, is it selfish? Is it a bad reason to behave like this?
I'm studying psychology to get a degree, I'm scared I'm on the wrong track. What if being a therapist is not for me even if like studying this subject? How do I know it? Maybe I'm doing it exactly for the reasons that make me a bad person?
@Sonnenschein2000
Aw :') I'm always here.
I think I relate to switching between those feelings of conquering the world and doing nothing. Trying to take it day by day and communicating about your needs sounds good to me. Baby steps are okay and appreciated!
Well I relate to that. I can't stand not suffering. There is a thing called a good day and it might exist but yes, it's hard to make sense of it and how you really feel about it since that could vary too.
Ah yes, that's what I meant. The mood swings are tiring and confusing. :\
"I need self-harm. I need a proof. I need a story to tell. I need a reason to say I feel low or to ask for help." - I am out of words to say here but uh, same. I get that.
I don't have the answers to those questions, but again, I relate. Are you looking for reassurance? Are you trying to invalidate a part of you here? Do you think you are selfish? Do you think kindness can be masked and in case it can be, can that be categorised as a good/bad thing? Are there any grey areas here? Is there some more context to this? - there are no direct or easy answers to these questions and you don't have to answer, just thought listing something like this would be helpful? Just so you know, I personally don't think there are any right/wrong answers to these and I'm not going to judge you. What I can contribute to this - you are human and you are so valid. I have some similar traits/thoughts/feelings/behaviours myself.
Future is scary and unpredictable, so that makes sense. What if being a therapist is/isn't for you?
Sending you love. I see you beyond any struggles that you may have, you are human and it's okay to feel all these things. You might be aware of a school of thought in psychology, "the whole is greater than the sum of its parts" (keeping the whole debate aside on who said it lol). <3
@theriverissinging
Hey! Sorry for my late reply, I had a surgery this wednesday (good thing is I don't think i'll self-harm for these next weeks exactly because of this, but actually it makes me scared because if I don't sh then I cannot talk about it, or at least that's what my brain tells me).
I'm sorry to know you relate, yes it's good because at least we are not alone, but I'm sorry, I know it's not easy.
As always thank you for your words, I'll think about your question and see if I can find some answers. I'd like to reply now, but the surgery it's testing my energy and I can't put myself into writing long stuff right now.
Despite being tired due to this recent surgery I'm still trying to support my friends and it's getting draining thinking about them all day, even when there's nothing much I can do, I mean anyway their life, struggles and emotions are not my responsability, right? I know this very well, but I feel like I never do enough, like I'm the only one who can properly take care of them, though I know it's not real, but I'm scared if I don't stay near them then it means I'm leaving them all alone, I'm scared it might be my fault.
So yup I guess i have a HUGE problem with helping/supporting people and being kind and all that stuff, I hope I'll be able to discuss it with therapist asap.
aahah oh yeah I know well that school of thought, nice to know you know them as well!
Have a nice day/night!
@Sonnenschein2000
Hello.
I hope the surgery went well and you're doing okay.
You can talk about sh or anything else whenever you feel like, I'd be glad to listen to you. Please feel free to share as much and as little as you'd like.
It's okay <3 you're not alone for sure.
As I said, you don't have to reply and I hope those questions did not stress you out, that wasn't my intent but I can understand if that happened. Take your time with it all, I'm here.
I can understand that the surgery would be tiring and it is even more exhausting to be there for your friends, it makes sense. I get why you'd feel that way. But I think that you do care for yourself as well as your friends, in your own capacity and ways.
Something I'd like to say is it is not easy to be kind / not be kind. I hope you can discuss this with your therapist whenever you please.
I'm rooting for your recovery. <3
@theriverissinging
Hey! Sorry for my late reply, I needed some time. How are you?
Physically I'm recovering slowly but even now I'm much more active than some days ago (hey!).
This morning I tried telling my friends I'm not that much okay, but I felt my legs tensed so much after and before I did it.
Also I feel my chest is heavy, like there's something big inside but at the same time there's also nothing. It's empty but heavy nonetheless. If makes me want to punch my own chest just to stop feeling like this. It doesn't hurt though, it doesn't physically hurt, but it's tight and I have this sensation that it's hard to breathe, as if I'm not getting enough air in my lungs.
This doesn't happen always, some moments I also feel great, but yeah when it happens it's annoying.
I'm trying to take care of myself but I'm also trying to study when I can.
Take care you!! :3
@Sonnenschein2000
Hello! As I have said before, you can take your time and that is not an issue at all. <3
I'm doing okay, thank you for asking!
Mhmm, that's some progress and wishing you the best. ^^
I can imagine that would have been hard. I can see why it'd feel all tense and your body feeling so too.
"It's empty but heavy nonetheless" - very much understandable. Does what you described help you feel better? I get feeling tight and "out of breath" in a way. Sometimes, I forget to just breathe and when I do that - like on some counts or mindfully doing it - it helps a bit. Is there anything that helps you or you think could help you with that?
I hear that you've been trying to take care of yourself and also study among other things. It can be a struggle to focus on or give appropriate attention to so many things at once. But you're still trying.
Thank you, will try as well haha.
Lots of love! <3
@theriverissinging
Yesterday I tried relaxing and stay warm, I watched tv series for two hours and distracting my mind helped me a lot. I was feeling like if I had given someone my attetion I could have broken on the spot, I didn't have the energy to do nothing, but think of myself, and I did it, and I felt much better after takig care of me!
The problem is that now everytime I try to talk about this or if I think about telling it to my therapist I'm scared I'm exaggerating, I'm scared I invented everything, like it was not real because it cannot be. It's really hard to have to fight to believe myself.
lots of love to you too :3
@Sonnenschein2000
Hi!
Good to know distracting yourself by watching a series helped a lot! It is nice to hear you felt much better after taking care of yourself - sometimes it's hard to muster up the courage and energy but you did it.
I can understand why you'd feel so - like you're exaggerating or inventing or it's just not real. I really get that it's hard to constantly have to spend time and energy on understanding your reality and believing it. Proud of you for making it through every single day! What do you usually tell yourself when something like this happens, if you'd like to share?
Take care and know that I'm here for you. <33
Pokes chein (no hurry to reply), hope you're okay ❤️
@theriverissinging
I'm sorry I didn't reply to you...
Last week I never sh, but I don't feel neither good morning bad about it, just disappointed maybe.
Honestly I don't know. It all feels pointless. I'm wasting my life and I'm doing nothing to change it, which makes me feel guilty and irritated because I should be doing something!!
Talking doesn't help anymore, but I guess I need support anyway. I just feel stupid because I do nothing good all day and I just complain without making an effort to get better and I don't even know what is the problem, and even if I would know, I don't if it would help anyway.
@Sonnenschein2000
It is okay, nothing to apologize about.
I can relate to feeling indifferent about it. Identifying that you're low-key disappointed is also a step, in my opinion. Also relate to not having a pro-active approach at times but feeling so many things about it. I can understand feeling guilty and frustrated, it is hard.
I also relate to talking not helping haha, that is okay. And yes, you still deserve support, it can come in various forms and not just talking! I'm here for you, let me know how we can make the most out of this. If you don't know, that is as much okay.
Sending love and comfort. <3
@theriverissinging
Hey!
I wanted to let you know that I started to go out and attend uni lessons again. I'm happy! I missed going out this much.
Though going to the thrapist helps a bit, it always makes me feel stressed, so it does harm too. And I'm always too tired to study. I feel the need to always keep thinking and processing stuff before and after the sessions and it makes me so stressed.
Two days ago my father yelled at my sister while he was "helping" her doing homeworks and this made all the emotions I have regarding my father yelling come back. I shouted at him back because I was angry and mad at him for his behaviors. We didn't talk about what happened, I don't think he is mature enough to do the first step and honestly now I'm still too mad to have a resonable talk with him so I'm waiting.
I know I have to overcome my resentment and anger toward my father, because otherwise I'm letting these emotions eating me alive from inside out, but it's exahusting. Honestly working on myself it's draining me... and I'm tired byt the fact that it takes so much time and energy, though I know it's okay. I feel like I'm not moving that much forward and I feel the pressure because I'm studying psychology so at the end of the deegree I should I be over all my issues or something like this if I'll ever want to be a good therapist.
@Sonnenschein2000
Hiya!
Happy for you! Going out definitely changes things and I am glad it is having a good effect on you.
Therapy can sure be hard and I can understand that it would be exhausting. It can be uncomfortable at times.
It seems like there are a lot of difficult emotions involved when it comes your father and there's stuff that needs unpacking too. I can understand that this is tough work, I'm proud of you for coming this far! I'm sure it isn't easy. And oh, I so relate to "I should be over my issues in this time period". Buutttt, here are some things to consider if you may - 1] What does healing mean to you? 2] Therapists can have mental illnesses and struggles too and many do but sure, ideally their own struggles shouldn't be interfering. 3] It's okay. <33
@theriverissinging
Hey, how are you doing?
I managed to tell my father I want to have a session with the therapist with him, to talk to him and he said he's okay with it. I'm glad he accepted and I'm far less angry now so I'm calmer, but still the fact that he behaves good now makes me even more angry because it's like then I have no reason to be mad at him or something like it. But anyway, I'm working through this stuff, so okay, it just takes time.
I haven't self-harmed in two weeks and okay but everytime I look at my scars I'm disappointed. They are too little, not enough big. I mean if I had to harm myself could I at least do a good job?? I feel so bad, I wish I could self-harm just to finally make a damage that feels like it's enough. I'm so disappointed at myself. I hate my scars because they feel so stupid. I'm not doing it just because my mum found out and I'm not good at lying to her, I hate it, damn I want to be free to harm myself so much everytime I look at my thighs. I don't want anyone to see my scars! I'm not ready. And I know I can hide them for months, no one knows about it, but still I feel like if other people saw they'd be disappointed or ashamed too, both because I sh, but also because they are too little and stupid.
This is my body and I have to see them anyway, which is both comforting and horrible. I know I'm reperitive maybe. Sorry.
I really hope you are doing good and you are taking care of yourself,
I send you so much love
@Sonnenschein2000
Heyyy! I'm doing, thanks.
That is great to know, I am really proud of you for doing that. And I understand, we want reasons but when we try to look for them and can't find any, that adds up to distress - yes, it might take time and you acknowledge that. Let me know how that goes - only if you're comfortable of course.
I get what you're trying to say. Your feelings are valid, your concerns are valid too. The "mixed" feelings make a lot of sense. I'm just glad you're sharing it, you can be repetitive (if you feel like it is) here without having to apologise.
Thank you for all the love haha, I send you so much love back!
@theriverissinging
Thank you so much.
Yesterday I had a session with the therapist and it was weird, she wanted to talk about my childhood. She thinks that's why I self-harm now, but I don't like the fact that she connects my childhood to my self-harm. I don't why, I guess any answer she could try to give me, I wouldn't like it.
I mean yes my childhood was a bit hard, but it was completely normal! It was fine, a normal childhood. I don't have a problem with it. Still I'm not so sure, she's making me doubt. And I hate it. I don't know if I have emotional wounds I need to heal, or if these wounds are already healed good and she's trying to opening them again, which wouldn't be much healthy. I don't know. I'm confused.
And now another person in my life is having troubles: My friends is getting hurt by her mother, she hits her physically. Being near her while I have to secretly face my own issues it's hard. I don't want to leave her alone, but anyway there's nothing much I can do for my friend. I keep saying to myself this is not my problem and that I'm emotionally detached, but still in the back of my mind I'm worried and tired.
@Sonnenschein2000
Ah I can see what you mean - it can be really frustrating when you don't know and what your therapist is doing is making you doubt things. That is confusing, yes. It sounds like it feels pressurising even though it may / may not be so / may be a grey area! How do you feel about talking about all of this with her? (no pressure to answer or think upon)
I'm sorry your friend is in an awful situation as such. You are trying to be there for her + feel like there's not much you can do besides that + have your own issues to deal with and are trying to detach yourself from stuff that is possible to, understandable how you still end up being worried and using your energy on that.
@theriverissinging
I think she's just trying to find a cause and a solution to my struggles and my past might be the first place she'd like to look for them, but I personally feel stressed when she makes me talk about my childhood, even if I don't want to admit it. I find it mentally hard and it makes me kind of numb, I'm scared of saying things that are not real or that I'm exaggeraring, and the only thing I really want is to stop thinking about my past, I just want to think about my future. Idk, maybe this is exactly where the problem is. I know for sure my chilhood was fine, yeah some things troubled me, but I feel like I overcame everything so I don't want to dig in my past again, but as I said maybe what is happening is that I wish I overcome it all but in truth I don't. I'll have to talk with her about this, I really want to, but It's difficult.
I'm tired, though last week was good, but I'm drained, and I feel guilty for it because I'm not actually being SO busy. I don't have a right to be this tired and in need of rest. I'm making a drama out of nothing. This morning I spent it at home, I needed some rest, I had a big urge to cry, so I tried crying when I was finally alone. I craved to be alone so much. It makes me mad at myself that I'm not even able to cry. And when I finally cry I end up being mad at myself anyway, because I am crying, or because I'm not crying enough, oor because I need time and hurtful music to cry, or it seems fake or whatever. I cry with force, even when just two tears come out and then nothing else, my eyes hurt, I squeeze them hard and I'm scared of hurting them. why crying is so difficult? I don't get relief from it sometimes, and this make me even more angry.
You see, if crying to me it's so difficult and full of contradictory emotions then that's why it's easier for me to vent by self-harming. it's far easier and faster, by it I get the illusion that it works. I get urges anyway. (though these weeks i'm not actively doing it!) After I cry I don't even know if I have really let out all my emotions, if it was useful, they don't go away with a good cry, they still stay there, so it feels pointless to spend enegy crying. I feel like I behave like a child if I cry and I want to be a serious adult.
And the thoughts like "your scars are so little, it's truly disappointing, you should harm yourself more seriuosly," still don't go away.
Sorry for my mistakes, I wrote a lot and fast.
take care of youself! i'm always thankful and grateful for your time and attention :3
@Sonnenschein2000
Hey, I get that. It can be deeply confusing. You think your therapist is trying to find a cause to "it all" in your childhood and it's very stressful, causing a lot of emotions or the lack of those to stir up. You don't want to really "look into it" and you really want to talk to her about it but it's hard, which is totally understandable. It sounds really exhausting. I hope you can receive some help from the therapist herself about it.
It makes sense that you are tired. The whole crying thing is relatable hehe. It's okay to feel like crying but not being able to / not feeling like crying and the process is too intense / it feels limiting or fake / consumes energy / anything else. It is valid. I can see that crying doesn't really feel like it works for you right now and self-harm is comparatively better to contemplate about / have urges (while no active self-harming). I find it good to know what doesn't work for you - now perhaps we can look in other places accordingly in case you'd like to of course. Anyway, it is really okay.
Thank you for sharing this with me, I know it can take up energy or you can be like doubting yourself about it.
Thank you! Here for you always.
@theriverissinging
Thank you. Yes it takes a lot of energy.
I really don't get how these urges works. I keep asking myself how was my life just some months ago? how was life without urges? did I felt them even before but I don't remember or never noticed? why they had to come? why?
I feel immature and childish for my behaviors. I feel immature and childish everytime I look at my scars. And I hate it. I hate me. It is a vicious cycle because if I'm angry at myself urges get bigger. Is it immature for a 20ish girl to sh? I cannot think it differently...
It gets me mad how much I thought I had overcame everything and now I'm experiencing this all. I sense that I'm moving forward, some weeks I feel far less stuck than before and it's a progress, still, urges are there even when I take steps forward. Urges are always present, even when I'm happy and busy and I don't act on them. Yesterday I bought a thing with the exact pupose to harm myself after seeing a post that gave me the idea (my fault, I know, I shouldn't have gone searching things related to sh), I didn't use it, but now that it is hidden in the drawer I find my myself thinking about it from time to time. I think about my act of going out and buying with no care at all something like that. How can it be? I feel like I'm faking it even more.
Also, I'm tired of being scared of my little sister finding out. I'm tired of being scared everytime I go to the bathroom and I'm tense because I'm scared she or someone else might open the door without warning, and when she does I have to scream to get her to leave me some privacy and she doesn't get why I'm being so secretive. I wish I could move out of my parents' house just to be free of this burden, though I don't know if living alone might be good and safe considering my urges.
And I still don't get why I have to be so angry at my father. He loves me. He believes in me. and I care for him too. I know this. Still, it hits me like a train how hurt I feel when I speak to him, I spit venom. I'm completely devoured by rage even if I want to let it go with all my heart. Maybe him being the object of my rage it's just a case, it could be anything or anyone else, I just need an object to hate. But I think that I lived it badly, I mean my subjective experience of my early life/adolescent life was bad. And this makes it all feel like it's my fault!! So I'm even more chilish and stupid! Because yes he is not perfect but he is good, then why I'm so excessively angry and hurt?
I cling to this hurt even if I want to let it go, it is easier maybe.
Okay sorry, this is A LOT of stuff, even too much, I understand. take your time to reply. and thank you as awalsy :3
@Sonnenschein2000
Hi!
I understand, it makes sense to question all the things you mentioned about urges and the impact it all had. You're coping with it the best you can, with the coping mechanisms you know and those which feel are working for you or just help you get through the moments. I can understand that it's quite hard when the urges are present everytime and they keep bugging. As you said, it's still progress and it's usually non-linear and a mess. It still doesn't solve things, yes. It sounds like it's so on your mind and it's just very hard to think of other things, and hiding sh complicates things further, along with taking care of stuff and yourself ~ it is really a lot. All of what you said about your relationship and feelings with your father make sense, they really do. Your subjective experiences are valid and so is your hurt, even if it isn't that "rational" or something.
It's okay and you can talk here about it as much as you'd like. I hope you don't mind how the way I listen. Lots of love always, you're valid. <3
@theriverissinging
I feel like it's my fault. It's my fault and my responsibility if I self-harm and if I don't stop. Because I don't want to stop. And if makes me feel even more stupid. It's my fault if I get too emotional, it's my fault, it's my fault.
Now I come back thinking perhaps I self-harm because other people around me struggle and maybe I'm trying to secretly compete with their pain without them knowing. What logic is this? It's so messed up and I don't even want to think this might be a reason!! Life is not a race and surely you don't win anything if you suffer more.
I feel like I should just snap out of it, I feel like it should be easy to have a better life and just stop thinking about self-harm!
And if it is not it's because it is my fault.
Whether I self-harm or I don't self-harm I feel bad anyway.
I have so many people around me who are going through far worse, who have real issues, and I should support them instead here I am, guilty, being annoying about my self-harm doing nothing to change anything.
@Sonnenschein2000
Ah I get this. All I can say is it's okay. "Whether I self-harm or I don't self-harm I feel bad anyway." So maybe it is okay to feel bad, not assuming that it's easy. Feelings aren't logical or rational and that's fine. I relate to the "secret competition" thing, I'm sure it isn't easy even if it is actually that. It may feel like you're stuck between getting better and getting worse and it's not going anywhere. I personally don't believe it's just a snapping out thing but my views aside, what is making you not "snap" out of it? If the question makes sense. I'm here for you and you are sincerely loved. <33
I'm on a partial break thingy so please allow slower responses in case ~ you're always welcome to talk though, promise, thank you!
Edit: I'll be putting my account on a self-care break which means my profile won't show up once I do that. I estimate it to be of around 2 months roughly but I can't be sure lol. I'm sorry for any inconvenience caused. Take care of yourself. <3
@Sonnenschein2000
Hey Sonne,
Everything you write here feels painfully familiar. I think in many ways self harm provides a visible satisfaction, a dopamine release, and some semblance of control. I know for me it often made me feel alive when I felt nothing at all. Also, the act of physically watching myself bleed and heal somehow reflected and soothed the way I felt about my mental health.
I think it’s important to remember you’re not alone, but also to realize there are other healthy ways to accomplish these outcomes.
I don’t pretend to have all the answers, although seeking out exercise, yoga, meditation, and spirituality has helped me garner the self love I never had to begin with. That self value and self understanding has lessened my self harm impulses, but like I said in a previous post, I don’t think they will ever go away completely. I’ve been struggling with this since I was 14. I am now 32 and I still feel the need to cover up my scars in a work or family environment. I still feel tempted to crack open that old familiar habit because it’s comforting, but I also have enough insight to know the disappointment and grief that comes the morning after.
Have you ever considered therapy? It helped me some, but not much. The ultimate answer was within myself, and learning how to live for others when I have not one iota of self preservation. I look forward to hearing from you.
-Blithe
@blitheSun94
Hey Blithe, thank you so much for your reply, I appreciate you.
I'm sorry to hear you still struggle, at the same time I'm incredibly proud of you and of all your progress, don't give up, you are amazing!
Yes, I started therapy two months ago, though I'm scared it might make me more hurt than before, I'm scared the therapist might want me to dig into a past that to me feels healed and with no need to be disrupted. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just hiding all my pain, and if I want to grow instead I need to see what's under the carpet. I don't know, it's hard to have an answer. But I'm scared. Anyway, it was bad even before therapy so idk.
Thank you for all your suggestions. I'll try more healthy ways to cope, though as you know, sometimes s-h is always in the back of your mind and it's hard to surf the urges. I'm scared of staying stuck in this limbo. I'm scared a part of me wants to stay stuck while the other would like to be finally free. It's like Iife now is giving me a kickback after all the progress I thought I had achieved in these past years.
Thank you again for the kindness and the support, stay safe and take care of you :3
- Sonne
I’ve been clean 3.5 years and the urge has increased lately.
@Thebipolarchick
Thank you for sharing. I know how hard it is and I'm so sorry. I hope you'll find a community that will support you here, feel free to talk.
Please resist the urges, though I know it's like telling you not to do the one thing that your mind tells you you need to feel better, but please, reach out to someone and don't give up.
I believe in you.
Stay safe.
@Thebipolarchick I agree with chein! We're here for you. ❤️
@Sonnenschein2000 Hello! I am back. 😊 How have you been?
@theriverissinging
Hey! It's so nice having you back! I really hope you've had a good break and that you took care of yourself! How are you?
Honestly idk, I thought I was getting better, and I still think that for some stuff I'm in a better mental space than how I was back in august/septemper, but at the same time now I'm getting bad too.
@Sonnenschein2000
Aw I'm glad to be here and talking to you! And thanks, it was okay and I am too!
Ah, I feel you. Not a straight one. :/ It's weird to be in such a state I guess. Or perhaps it's like going somewhere but you can't figure out where exactly.
@Sonnenschein2000
Hey!
I think self-harm can mean one or a lot of things at once or anywhere in between. So yes, I suppose as "intolerable emotions" need an outlet/expression which may also be how you cope, self-harm can take that form. But that's my interpretation of it. It depends on your experience, which is important to us.
The "why"s and "how"s can be a lot to "figure out".
"But I don't know how to know, I don't know what questions I have to ask and what replies I could give." -- I would say you don't have to know, this is the last place I would want you to worry about, if at all.
Hmm it sounds like when it comes to "thinking through things" it feels like going in circles for you. And you do not seem to like focussing on that but also feel like it's important in a way. How would you rather want it all to be, like the big picture?
I know what you mean about having a certain structure / plan / it's execution and timeframe in place in therapy. Needs to be perfect given the situation you are in and the world we live in. And it is also hard to get yourself work on this idea of "moving forward". Is definitely tough.
@theriverissinging
Hey! How are you?
Yeah, it does feel like going in circles. Righ now I'm overthinking less, I'm busy and I'm happy I'm working to make my life better little piece by little piece, and I feel accomplished though I'm scared I'm running too fast/not fast enough. I have less time to ruminate. I realize I'm more serene and content. Though sometimes it's hard being happy, idk why... I feel guilty especially when I know other people, wheter they are near me or not, don't have it as easy as me right now (which really does make me feel like a deep part of me has a desire to seek attention) it's like a i want to suffer like they do or even more than them. It's actually such a bad thing to think, am I right?
I want to take my pain back, like my past pain it's the only thing that my life worth and my person interesting... how messed up is thinking this?? I miss how it was before, though it was bad and ugly and scary and anyway I never gave it validation and it made me feel fake, guilty and ashamed, maybe I gained something from it anyway. I'm glad I'm moving forward, I'm feeling amazing, but at the same time yeah I miss it some days. Not much, at least, but I feel like I don't deserve getting better I guess. I don't want to forget, I don't want to think it was easy and it was nothing important. Yeah maybe I'm scared it was the only thing that made me idk full??
I need to understand how to accept that my happiness doesn't eliminate the struggles I faced, they can both be valid, it's just that this is something I cannot make myself learn, no matter how much I try.
Let me know how are you, thank you again for everything :3
@Sonnenschein2000
Hi!
Small steps sound great! I feel like there are numerous feelings you mention, and all of them varying and differing considerably.
What I think about it would ultimately matter much less than what you do. I picture you saying "some of your thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, behaviours = bad/invalid" if I am not mistaken. I'm curious to know what your interpretation is and how you come to this conclusion.
Also, yes! Some things can be comforting like that, your past (and the struggles maybe?), in this case. Even though it's all messy. Mess is human. How I interpret you feel about this -- "this —> because of that" "if it's this, it shouldn't be that".
And I am doing okay, thank you so much for asking. Sending love. <3