Self-jarm thoughts, help

@Sonnenschein2000
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@theriverissinging

**TW self-harm and scars**

Thank you so much for replying, it means a lot.

I don't know how I feel, to be honest I'm not good at identifying my triggers.

Right now I cannot stand the thought of not having scars, I cannot see my arms clean, I need to see the signs, at least to me they have to be visible, but my scars are dissapearing for real and this hurts me. I tried harming myself yesterday but I did nothing in the end because here it's summer and I'm too scared people will notice. I know how much it sucks to have fresh cuts and scars, but I still want them. And it breaks me exactly because I have no reason, I'm fine, my life is good, I feel nothing when I feel the urges... but still I feel the need to listen to the voice that says to me "what if? What if you do it? It's what you want, do it, it can make you feel better".

I want to reach out but I can't, I feel like a liar. I am a liar. Not having visible scars makes it hard, it's like I cannot reach out if I don't have scars. If I talk about it, if I let it go, I have nothing left in me.

@Sonnenschein2000

Hey again! (What should I refer you as, if you're comfortable sharing?)
It's okay to not know how you feel, feelings are often hard. I don't know my triggers much either.
Honestly, I do understand how the thought of not having scars can hurt. It's okay to feel these urges (I mean it). You might have no reason but it still hurts. It may not feel reasonable right now, but it is still causing you distress.
I can hear you saying no amount of self-harm will make it up for me / will be 'enough' for me to reach out, if I'm getting this right? It's like, "As long as I have scars, it makes sense for me to reach out." I definitely understand where that's coming from, it's valid, it really is. I do need to say, you are struggling, and it's seen. It is absolutely okay to reach out and ask for support. I do understand it can feel like you are a liar. If you are doing this for attention, why are you doing it all alone?
All I can see is this is a difficult situation for you, and we're here for you in this, together. <3
We have a self-help guide for self-harm if you'd like to check it out - Click Me! Let me know if you'd be interested in reading and discussing it!
Sending you love. <3

Hey! @theriverissinging

Sorry for my late reply! I completed the self-help guide and it was nice, thank you for sending it.

Today I feel much better, I don't feel any urges, but at the same time that's something that doesn't sit right with me. I was getting used to these urges, they were what could make me say "okay maybe I'm not alright", instead now I am alright and a part of me doesn't like it. I want the pain again, though the pain it's never enough and I always feel like I'm faking. Can it be? Can it be real that I am really faking and forcing my pain? That in truth there is no pain at all, and I'm just empty?

It's like when I get better I just forget how bad it was before and I question the reality of it all even more.

I'm scared that talking about it here might have made me feel like this, because at first I needed it badly to talk and it helped me enormously, but right now maybe it's the reason I don't want to feel better and I am ashamed of it.

Take your time to reply, thank you again for listening to me.

@theriverissinging

@Sonnenschein2000
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Hey

@theriverissinging

Sorry for the late reply, I was a bit busy.

And yes talking like this helps a lot, it helps me understanding what Kind think and feel, it helps me having someone who listens and who makes questions that make me reflect.

Yes, it's hard questioning full non stop the reality and the truthfulness of my experience. I'm tired.

I realized how I never considered my relapses as "real relapses" because they never left a permanent sign and they were not serious enough. I cannot do otherwise. I keep saying I've been clean for 5 years;

But what about when I scratch my skin with nails and it leaves bruises? When I hit my legs? When I try to make just tiny cuts because I'm scared of people finding out?

They just make me feel more ashamed because they are not enough (not big/deep/numerous/harmful enough). Nothing is enough.

I'm tired of thinking constantly about this. It's like it's all I have, it's all my mind keeps turning to every time. it's all I have inside me. If I will ever talk about it with people in my life, it means they'd able to take this from me, it would mean having nothing left. And it's horrible to think I believe self-harm and urges are all I have, that without them I'm scared I will be nothing, empty.

Especially because I cannot even accept this feeling because I never self-harmed myself so badly that I can say yes, this is part of my identity. I never hurt myself enough to feel like this. My scars are fading, and now I can endure it, but some time ago I remember how lost it made me feel realizing I was going to lose my scars and there was nothing I could do to prevent it.

So, feeling like this means I should harm myself more... Though no matter how much more, nothing will ever be enough.

Thank you again!

sending you love <3

@theriverissinging

@Sonnenschein2000

Omg why don't I get a proper notification for this thread, I'm so sorry. I'll just subscribe to it, hope that helps haha.

@theriverissinging

Sorry it doesn't make me reply directly to your message.

And don't worry it's okay! I understand it's not your fault. >3

Thank you really, your words makes me feel understood. Thank you.

Yes that quote describes exactly how I feel. Like I'm both the victim and the murderer.

I wish I could have a space, you know? A space, a place, a moment where I could be able to feel everything I bottled up without being blocked and being scared. It's like there is something inside that I don't know how to let out and express and I don't feel safe and free anywhere. I need safe space. Nothing is enough to make it go away, not even if I cry, it always feels like the most part still keeps being inside me and it piles up no matter what.

Is there a limit for the number of messages that I can write in this thread? If so please let me know.

Hope you have a nice day, thank you again >3

@Sonnenschein2000
Thank you for understanding!

@theriverissinging

Hey! Thank you again for your reply!

Oh yes that post it's so relatable it hurts. Though I It might have triggered me (but it's not your fault!!) It depends. The same thing might trigger me so hard one time and then nothing the next time so idk.

I'm trying to contact a therapist and see if we can set up an appointment because I think I really need it, I cannot procrastinate anymore. Maybe I can find my safe place with a psychologist. I hope so.

I feel relieved because I also told my mum about my decision to find a psychologist, thought I don't know why, but it's like asking for help makes the urges bigger. So much bigger. I don't know how to stop them. I hurt myself yesterday and it sucks because I can only think that I haven't hurt myself enough and it's superficial and I'm a coward and so I should do it again. And the thought is constantly in my head. When I eat, when I sleep, when I wake up. Urges are there. And feeling like I'm faking it all it's getting harder now.

Why asking for help makes me feel worse?

Why admitting I don't feel good makes me feel even more bad?

Having cuts makes me scared of even changing clothes because I don't want my family to the see them.

I live with my family and this just complicates everything though it's the reason why I don't go further so it also stops me from damaging myself in a more serious way.

As always thank you for being here with me, it means so much to me >3

@Sonnenschein2000
Hi again.

@theriverissinging

Another problema I have since I talked with my mother is that the voice inside my head that keeps telling me I'm faking it's getting exhausting. How can I stop it?

I just cannot stop thinking I'm exaggerating... What if I really am doing it?

Probably this is something I'd like to bring up in the session. And also understanding how to stop the urges and understanding why they keep coming and why I'm not able to express my feelings and crying freely when I need to which causes me to bottle things up. Understanding why I'm feeling like this NOW, because as I said some time ago I thought I overcame everything but maybe I just hidden everything even from myself.

I mean there are so many things lol.

It feels weird being scared of talking with my parents because they love me, I'm lucky to have parents that support me, but I'm scared nonetheless.

@theriverissinging

Also, yesterday my mother found out about my cuts.

It's okay, she was lovely, she hugged me and she cried with me and I'm so thankful, but now the fact that she knows about my self-harm makes me feel HEAVY.

She also told me I should talk with my father, at least let him know I'm not totally okay right now but I don't want to.

I don't want things to change. I don't want her to be worried or to think I need more support and I don't know why this makes me feel uncomfortable.

Maybe it's because I believe I'm exaggerating and I feel like they might see a bigger issue where there is something much more little instead...

I cannot stop thinking:

what if she didn't found out?

Would she consider my mental health condition in the same way?

Without the cuts would she understand how bad I'm feeling sometimes despite the fact that I'm unable to express with words all of this to her?

I don't think so, despite how much she loves me, I think cuts make everything seem bigger, and all of this hurts me, I guess, even if I feel unable to feel really that hurt...

@Sonnenschein2000

Hi!

@theriverissinging Hi, I wasn't planning to go on a break but it's kind of unavoidable due to personal reasons. I won't be available for 1-2 weeks on here. However, feel free to use this space to rant or post things, I'll reply for sure after I come back! Bye! <3

@theriverissinging

I'm sorry I didn't reply to you, I'm deeply sorry. I needed a little break and I'm sorry I didn't told you.

I want to let you know that I'm going to see a psychologist for the second time this Saturday.

I still feel overwhelmed sometimes, but I'm happy and glad I'm having the opportunity to meet a therapist, I just hope it is a good one, but I guess we'll see in the next sessions if she's a good fit for me.

I don't have urges now, i just hope this therapist can understand how badly I feel and how heavy it is for me to talk about my scars and self harm issues, I hope just because they are superficial she won't dismiss it all as something easy.

I'm scared I'm making something big out of nowhere, I should start studying for uni, but I don't feel ready, I cannot stop thinking about all these issues and it's hard to concentrate, I'm in a fragile happy mood. I try to be happy, but it's like I'm on the edge of breaking at every minute and I don't know if my parents get it.

Thank you again for everything, I'm grateful I've had the opportunity to talk with you when I needed it >3

Hope you are doing well! Take care of you

@Sonnenschein2000
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@theriverissinging

hey! The session went good!
I felt relieved I could give voice to the major part of the thoughts that soffucated me this past week. I hope this next week I'll feel less tormented, despite at the same time I don't want to (here it is the always present duality of my brain that cannot let me stay in peace just for one second).
The doubt of not being sure of how much the psychologist understands me is still there. I was thinking I might ask her if she has ever worked with someone who had self-harm issues before, because maybe some things are hard to get if you never experienced them or studied them.

Sometimes it irritates me the fact that my self-harm behavior might be largely related to some issues I have with my father and how the therapist implies that yes it can be and I know it's true, but I don't want these two things (the anger I have towards my father and self-harm) to be that much connect.

Also I'm realizing I trigger myself, I search things with the purpose to make the urges come back, because I need cuts to feel validated and because I don't want to let these behaviors go away. The ironic thing is that I trigger myself with interesting content, for example with videos or articles that both help me feeling less alone and are useful to understand more about self-harm, but at the same time while I watch them it's like I cannot watch something about self.harm and feel connected with it if I don't actually injure myself.
Sometimes I feel triggered by knives or scissors, just watching them could make me think I might use them to hurt myself, though I never acted when it happened this past week. It's quite disturbing though conforting (yeah it's weird).
I tried explaining all these things to the psychologist, but, as I said earlier, I don't know how much she understood.

Thank you again for everything :3

@Sonnenschein2000

@theriverissinging

okay, I'm going to be honest and I'm sorry.

I relapsed.

I cut myself one hour ago. Nothing deep anyway.

But I don't know why I did it.

It's like I just want to do it, you know?

It sounds weird to say it, but it's like a bad habit I don't want to stop doing just for the sake of it.

I had no triggers, I had no reason, no big emotional breakdown, I just thought about it and decided to do it as soon as I was alone like it was normal.

I might even feel proud I did it and I don't get it.

I don't get it. Just some months ago I would have never even thought about something like this.

I don't know maybe it's because I'm doing anything good with my life right now and if I keep cutting at least I have a reason to keep doing nothing. At least I can say I'm doing something, though self injury it's not healthy.

@theriverissinging

@Sonnenschein2000

Hi, thank you for being honest, really appreciate that. I don't think there is anything to apologise for here.

Well, it doesn't sound weird to me because I have felt so at some point too. But I do understand how confusing it can be to not understand the "reasons". I have self-harmed out of "boredom" or "feeling euphoric or numb" sometimes, if it helps to know. It's okay, you don't have to be so hard on yourself. We might not see logic or the rationality here and it can be very tough that way. I really appreciate how honest you've been to me about this. It's okay to feel this way (not that it's easy, though).

I understand what you're trying to say here. I'm with you. What do you need most out of this moment right now?

@theriverissinging

Thank you for listening to me, right now I feel a lot better, I don't have any urges since monday (and i'm trying to take care of the cuts), though I'm always scared they'll come back or that they won't come back at all anymore. Not having urges makes the struggles of the last few weeks less real. But it feels nice not to have triggers everytime I look at or pick up knives and scissors. Though now that I don't have to concentrate so much on self-harming I have the time to focus on others issues and probably I don't like it this much, but I have to deal with it, yup. Right now I just know I need to stop ruminating and go out living life and doing concretre things.

Sorry if lately it takes me more time than usual to reply.

Have a good day!

@Sonnenschein2000

I can understand and relate. Your struggle is real, truly! I can see that you're trying to reflect on where you stand presently and also realise how you've been feeling, which is great and I admire your work. You also realise you have to give time to other issues, which is great again. You might find something interesting in this guide: Getting Unstuck (although I don't agree with all that is written in there). No need to apologise, take the time you need! Keep me posted, waiting to hear back from you (in your own time)! Sending you love. <3

@theriverissinging

Thank you! That guide was a really nice read!

I want to be honest and tell you I cut myself yesterday. I was feeling sick, I had a fever so probably being physically tired made me more emotional (this week was great in comparison to the previous one so I don't get why I try to find even the smallest reason to keep hurting myself). It was strange because I felt the need to do it right after one of my friends told me she was feeling horrible. She's having a really hard time and it makes me feel horrible too, I wish I could help her more but there isn't much I can do.

Maybe I cut as a way of expressing my empathy toward my friend and also to manifest to myself my own tiredness, because I didn't felt entitled to vent to my friend because she was the one who was feeling bad, so I couldn't take the space she needed more in that moment. I know "it's okay" to use cutting as a way to demonstrate I suffer too but it feels stupid nonetheless.

@Sonnenschein2000

I'm sorry you've been feeling sick physically, I get emotional during such times too. Know that recovery is not linear.

Maybe it is your way of expressing empathy towards your friend, yeah and I also understand feeling tired. It was considerate of you to allow your friend to vent. Know that being there for her while also struggling yourself is enough, you're doing your best.

It's okay to self-harm to give a physical face to your suffering (until you have a healthier coping mechanism that helps you) and it's also okay to feel stupid. Your feelings or thoughts are not your reality but they are valid. It is more than okay to struggle despite having a "better time" than before.

I'm particularly amazed to see how well you've been reflecting back on your situation, thoughts and feelings.

I'm here for you and we're in this together. <3
Is there anything you enjoy doing, like a hobby?

@theriverissinging

Thank you. Talking with you really helps when I cannot go to therapy and my mind is a mess! I appreciate all the effort you are putting into keeping yourself in contact with me.

Thank you also for telling me how well I've been reflecting. Though it bothers me too. Actually, it irritates me. It has nothing to do with you obviously! I noticed this feeling even when the psychologist said similar stuff to me, something that was like "you are very good at analyzing" or "wow it seems to me you have very clear ideas and thoughts about these issues". I don't know how to take them as a compliment perhaps? it makes me angry?! misunderstood maybe? And well, this is something I cannot wrap my mind around right now.

As hobbies I like drawing and painting, reading, taking walks or running, sometimes I write and yeah, pretty much these are are my hobbies right now

hope you're doing well :3

Also!

I'm realizing how much I feel responsible for the group of my best friends (long-distance friendship). They are three friends of mine that I love with all my heart, we've been through a lot together for the past 7 years, we know each other deeply, but they are all going through some heavy stuff, they need support and I want so hard to be near them. Maybe even too much.

The thing is: I know I cannot take away their pain and their struggles, and I don't even want to do such a thing! I just want to love them, to be there for them, I don't want to leave them alone. They all see a psychologist and I'm really glad for it.

But all of this means also keeping secret all these issues with self-harm that I have because I know for sure they might get triggered and I don't want to feel responsible for triggering them. I'm good with it, I mean it's okay if I keep it a secret, at least now I have the support of a psychologyst, but... It is weight anyway having struggles you know you cannot talk about. I feel guilty of even just telling them when I have a bad day, because I end up think they are going through harder moments. I realize how much emotional energy I put into listening to them when they need it.

Also, right now in my head popped this thought: "maybe I can stop self-harming for them, to be more near when they need it! " And though it might be great I even know it might end into a situation where I'm not actually stopping but I'm just denying and suppressing my issues because I need to be the support system of other people.

@theriverissinging

Idk if you can see the replies I sent one day ago

Let me know

@Sonnenschein2000

Love talking to you! <3

Oh I feel you! A professional told me that too once and I was like "yes, the fact that I'm so self-aware is a part of the problem" lol. It is okay to feel angry/frustrated/bothered/misunderstood. It makes sense, honestly. So yes you might be good at analysing your situation but that doesn't mean it doesn't cause you distress. You don't have to take it as a compliment. :) How is therapy going for you?

Those are some cool hobbies, I love some of them like reading and taking walks too! I hope you are liking to spend time doing these things!

I understand you on the friendship part. I'm sorry you are all struggling at the moment. So very great to see your love and care for them. Struggles are not really comparable, you are all going through tough times and that means you all deserve support! I also understand the need to let it out, plus listening really needs a lot of emotional energy. So that can be hard for you. It's great that you are there for them and want to be there more. I hope you all get the support you need.

You said a thought came up in your mind that maybe you could stop self-harming for them. How do you feel about it right now, and how do you imagine you'd feel after a while in case you decide to go with it? What would be the pros and cons of stopping it for them? (Just asking you some questions to think upon, you don't have to put it all here or even think upon them, just sharing!)

Also, sorry if I am unable to reply quicker as I'm a bit unwell and have other plans here and in life outside. Kind of juggling but trying my best. I really appreciate you talking about all of this with me, you are a beautiful person! <3

@theriverissinging

First of all I want to thank you for all the time you are spending replying to me each time, I know it takes a lot of work, so it's completely okay if right now it's difficult for you to reply quickly. (I was a bit agitated the last time I wrote here, so that's the reason why I really needed a reply, i knew your words could make me feel better, but right now i'm calmer!)

You have to deal with your own life's problems so I completelty understand, please take the time you need, I don't want to stress you further. I appreciate you listening to me, you are a wonderful person too. Never forget that.

Thank you for your words. I'll tell you how therapy is going when I have the next session, we are doing one meeting per week, I wasn't able to there the last sunday.

Yes! I'm trying to spend time doing hobbies, the problem is that sometimes I don't even have the energy for them.

To be honest I don't know if stopping for them could help. Yes it feels kind and considerate, but I believe that if I want to stop for real, with no guilt or additional turmoil, I need to stop for myself only, I have to work on myself.

@Sonnenschein2000

Hey, it's okay to be agitated! I'm like that too. I was just letting you know the reason. Not stressful at all, just takes some energy, yep. But I really do love being here with you. Thank you so much for your kindness and understanding!

Thanks for letting me know about your schedule for therapy sessions. Will wait for your reply!

I understand not having the energy for doing things. If it is hard to muster up energy for things that you might enjoy, it may be even harder to dedicate it to things that you wouldn't like doing but have to.

I feel the "no guilt or additional turmoil" part. Fair enough. You do you, so it's very much understandable to stop for yourself so that there's no guilt or more thoughts surrounding it.

I did mean to ask you this previously but missed it - Do you take appropriate medical measures / first-aid after self-harming?

This might a good resource for first-aid if you're interested. You may also speak with the psychologist and/or GP about the same if you feel like!

@theriverissinging

Yes, exactly, some days it's hard doing both the things I love and the things I don't like much or dislike at all, and honestly to me it's okay. I know I need some time to adjust, though having good days makes me doubt everything and it's tiring. The problem is all the expectations I have on my shoulders. I should do so many things, you know? Both my parents and society expect stuff right now I'm not able to give and I'm scared my parents don't get it. I know they don't want me to get stuck, because honestly I know I'm likely to get stuck, but telling me to just move on and be positive feels invalidating when I manage to say to them I'm having bad days, and I mean I've had plenty of bad days lately and all these thoughts and feelings don't go away with a snap of fingers.

I use hydrogen peroxide as first-aid, but honestly I don't do much. The cuts are superficial (honestly I hate taking care of them so that's why I don't go deeper, I don't want infections or enormous amount of bleeding or other problems), so I just put some pressure till the blood stops and then I clean them but I don't use bandaid. I try to clean the tools too before, but I don't do it always.

The only problem is that some scabs fall off before the cuts are completely healed and that makes the scars a bit more visible, but I guess that scars would come anyway. I'm trying not to think about next summer, having to hide everything for the next months even if it will be winter it will be hard anyway.

That page is awesome! Thank you for giving me the link!

As always, thank you for your time and for being understanding. Take care of you!

*edited by forum mentor @rebecca947 to remove tool names as per SHR’s guidelines*

@Sonnenschein2000

Yeah, you definitely need time which is okay! The good days can put everything into question, I understand. Take it from me though, I have seen / see you and your struggles. <3

Parents and society do have a lot of expectations at times, for sure and we can happen to internalise those.

I get that, you can't "snap out of it" when you're told so and that can be very invalidating. They (your parents) care and may be concerned but they may not always get it or might happen to say invalidating things which wouldn't feel good. (same goes with me lol.)

What makes you have these expectations out of yourself and how do you feel about them?

Ah okay, thank you for elaborating on that. (I don't think that we're allowed mention tools as it's a public forum. Not that someone will read these but just to be on the safer side and not trigger anyone. The guidelines are here.)

Hiding scars is such a struggle, no matter the season at times. :( I understand.

Yes, I stumbled upon that site just a while ago! I just managed to read the first-aid part but looking forward to exploring it more! Glad you liked it.

Thank *you* for never forgetting to leave a kind message for me in your posts! Not that I want it but I really appreciate that, and as I said you don't have to thank me always. Take care of yourself as well! <3

@theriverissinging

You're right! I'm sorry, I really am. Can you eliminate my last comment? I don't want to trigger anybody. Actually when I was writing it I had some strong doubts, I knew it could be highly triggering, but I guess I was tired and I wrote everything that came to my mind without thinking about it much, it was my fault, it won't happen again! I know the guidelines, thank you for sending them anyway, I "just" completely forgot about them yesterday.I cannot even edit it and put a TW. :(

This afternoon I have the appointment with the psychologist, I'll let you know how it goes!

The pressures I have don't make me live happily anyway lol. I try to not think about them and just do what I want and what I know I need, but I feel like I'm behind my peers and I feel like I'm failing myself. Also I feel like I have no right to feel low or sad because as I already told you I compare myself to others and others always seem to have much more understandable reasons to take breaks and to take it slow.

It's the least I can do to thank you and at least send you some nice messages, you are doing a lot for me.

@Sonnenschein2000

No worries at all! It has been edited quite a while ago. :)

Sure, I'll be waiting for your reply on how it goes.

It makes sense to see it that way, given all that has happened and been going on. It can be weirdly self-invalidating when you compare yourself with others' struggles, if I'm getting that right? It's okay and I'm here as I always say. You don't have to go through this alone. <3

@theriverissinging

Oh okay! Great!

Thank you. I really feel alone and its comforting knowing you are here. :3

The session went good. I think next time I'll come with all my family. Maybe it helps. Idk. I hope so.

We talked a bit about what I told you about this last week and also about how I much I'm angry and hurt because of my father. I don't know it's like it irritates me talking about him, I wish I didn't have to talk about him, though that's the problem, I'm hurt and I don't want to acknowledge it fully.

Maybe it's me and I the fact that I had some strange expectations about therapy but yeah today didn't felt really good. I mean last time I felt better after the session, now I feel nothing and honestly I just want to cry. I realize it will take a while before I overcome everything but I guess I don't like it.

And it's so frustrating having this constant fear everytime I have to change clothes because I'm scared someone will open the door and see my self-injury. Some days it is enough to make myself promise I'll stop but honestly then there are moments where I just ask myself "why stopping? There's no reason to stop. You started. Keep doing it."

I want to feel so much worse.

@Sonnenschein2000 (Starting it here just like that lol.)

Of course, I'm here.

Good to know that. I mean, you can definitely explore how that goes if you feel like. I think I know what you're trying to say. It's like you'd want to ignore all of that but you just can't and it's frustrating either ways. Valid to feel so. Therapy isn't easy and sometimes it can leave us feeling worse than before. It's okay to have these feelings. I also get feeling nothing and just wanting to cry, that is okay and I hope crying helps. It's all uncomfortable, I understand. What would you like to change?

I can only imagine your frustration. Plus it being something constant could make it even more hard.

Thank you for sharing that, I know it's not easy and the feeling on wanting to feel worse is very real. I often read books or listen to sad songs to feel "worse" or just allow myself to feel. Do you think there is anything as such which you can do that could help?

Sending you love. <3