Building Self-esteem Series: The FAST way
Hi everyone, I hope you are doing well. Last week we talked about what is self-esteem and what it impacts. We had quite a few responses where people shared how they can benefit from an increase in self-esteem, reflecting on how self-esteem plays a role in the success of people they look up to. You can participate in the post here.
This week we will explore one way we can start working on improving our self-esteem. It is the FAST method, rooted in Dialectical Behavior Therapy. What is interesting about this approach is that it allows you to make decisions when faced with everyday choices to ultimately improve your self-esteem by being true to yourself.
FAST Acronym
- F is for Fair – Be fair to yourself as well as other people. It’s important to learn that your needs are just as important as someone else’s. This is also about being assertive and learning to speak your truth.
- A is for Authentic – Don’t apologize for having an opinion or disagreeing with others. This does not mean you have to be rude to others but you can disagree respectfully.
- S is for Stick to your values - Don’t compromise or abandon your values trying to please others or conform.
- T is for Truthful - Be truthful and don’t make excuses. Be honest and don’t exaggerate or tell little white lies.
Here are some more narrowed-down examples/applications:
- F (Fairness): Someone in your group keeps making plans without considering your availability. Speak up! Suggest alternative times or activities that include everyone's preferences. Remember, your needs matter too.
- A (Authentic): Don't be afraid to show your true feelings, whether it's sadness, anger, or joy. Bottling up emotions can be unhealthy. If a friend upsets you, you are allowed to express it. If they did something great, you are encouraged to recognize it.
- S (Sticking to values): Spend time working with a cause you care about, like animal welfare or environmental protection. Contributing to something bigger than yourself aligns with your values and builds self-worth.
- T (Truthfulness): If you disagree with someone's idea, be honest and provide constructive feedback. Offer alternative solutions while remaining respectful of their perspective.
You can answer a minimum of two of the following questions or you can answer all! (The instructions apply to everyone who is working towards the braving self badge)
- Have you ever encountered a situation where you prioritized someone else's needs over your own? How did it make you feel? What could you have done differently to practice fairness towards yourself?
- Describe a situation where you were fully yourself, uninhibited, and genuine. What were the outcomes? How does authenticity impact your sense of self-worth?
- Can you think of additional examples of everyday situations where applying FAST principles can strengthen your confidence and relationships?
Attention: At the end of the series, there will be a short quiz/form to fill out to avail of the badge and show that you have understood the content of the series and have applied the techniques shared. Over the next few weeks, please note down specific situations where you have applied the FAST method. It can even be a few words! This series is more of a workshop than consuming content, for it to benefit you, you will need to apply the methods/techniques and partake in the exercises.
Note: Due to the nature of some of these prompts, we encourage listeners to switch to a member account to participate in the series to benefit fully. If you prefer your listener account, you are welcome! But please maintain the boundaries expected of a person using a listener account and avoid detailed shares of your personal experiences.
Tagging everyone who signed up for the tag-list!
@Hope
- Have you ever encountered a situation where you prioritized someone else's needs over your own? How did it make you feel? What could you have done differently to practice fairness towards yourself? -I have encountered situations where I have prioritized someone else's needs over my own. It made me feel stressed because I had work to do but my friend was struggling and I wanted to help her. I could have said I can talk for a little but I have to leave at a certain point as I have work due but I'm willing to talk more when I finish.
- Describe a situation where you were fully yourself, uninhibited, and genuine. What were the outcomes? How does authenticity impact your sense of self-worth? - I am fully myself when I am with my best friend. My best friend makes me feel comfortable in my own skin and she is someone I can rely on. She appreciated my true self and so I have continued being true to myself around her since. I feel better about my self-worth when I am authentic to myself.
- Can you think of additional examples of everyday situations where applying FAST principles can strengthen your confidence and relationships? -I can continue showing myself love and being respectful to myself and being true to myself when I come across different situations and relationships. I can work on building my confidence and self-esteem.
1. Have you ever encountered a situation where you prioritized someone else's needs over your own? How did it make you feel? What could you have done differently to practice fairness towards yourself?
I am so guilty of this. While I like to think it's just because I care for people and want to be nice, I realize I shouldn't always do this. It is possible to want to help others by making them a priority but not at the expense of sacrificing my own mental health. Helping others make me feel good, but I am getting better at admitting when I need to pause on them and put me first. ♡
2. Describe a situation where you were fully yourself, uninhibited, and genuine. What were the outcomes? How does authenticity impact your sense of self-worth?
I tend to always try and be myself. I am content with who and how I am as a person. I have to live with myself for the rest of my life so I may as well like and love myself, right? I may as well. Even though, Desiree will be Desiree at the end of the day, I have to admit that there are certain people who make me feel safe. For those people and the ones I adore and I know accept me, I feel free to be me.... unfiltered. Meaning I can be my crazy self. By me being true to who I am without having to front, I am happier. I know I am worthy of being accepted too. That's why even though I am a listener, I still have to be me. I'm open that I have my own share of mental health issues and I do not have to pretend like I have myself or everything together because I don't. I'm only human.
3. Can you think of additional examples of everyday situations where applying FAST principles can strengthen your confidence and relationships?
To be short here, I will just say trusting in myself and continuing to show myself love are 2 ways I can build my confidence.
@YourCaringConfidant
I think there is a cultural element to it too. Some cultures put a great emphasis on personal sacrifice and we can mistake it for always putting others ahead of us.
I agree it is easier to be yourself around some people. I am glad you can be yourself on 7 Cups!
You make a good point of trusting yourself!
1 - I have. I still do sometimes. Sometimes I think it's ok to do this - depending on the situation and circumstances. But if you're doing it all the time or the same person starts expecting or assuming you'll always put their needs first it can get exhausting and you can start to feel resentful towards them. I'd like to think I'm getting better with paying attention to my needs because when I ignore or deny them it affects my mental health more
2 - I don't know if I'm ever fully uninhibited. There aren't many people in my life that I feel comfortable fully being me around. I'm probably more genuine and authentic here with certain people. It feels pretty awesome when people accept you for who you are
3 - I could use this in day to day life. I could be more fair to myself. Admit and acknowledge that my needs are just as important as the other person's. Tbh a lot of times I'm afraid to speak up and say what I need.
I tend to suppress most emotions. It's hard to tell people that they've upset me because it seems when I do they get upset and try to tell me I shouldn't feel the way I do at the time. So I end up second guessing what I feel
@mytwistedsoul
I agree, I think some level of personal sacrifice within reason is a part of life but you make a good point of not giving people the power to feel entitled to it. You should be the one to decide what you want to prioritize.
It looks like you can benefit from applying the FAST principles. It can certainly be challenging to be your authentic self when people are not supportive but I am reminded of this quote “For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business.”
― T.S. Eliot.
@Hope
Have you ever encountered a situation where you prioritized someone else's needs over your own? How did it make you feel? What could you have done differently to practice fairness towards yourself?
I help my sister whenever she asks. She is disabled. I resent this as i have never asked her for anything in my entire life (57 years)
Describe a situation where you were fully yourself, uninhibited, and genuine. What were the outcomes? How does authenticity impact your sense of self-worth?
I don't know my authentic self or how i would recognize it if i was being authentic.
Can you think of additional examples of everyday situations where applying FAST principles can strengthen your confidence and relationships?
I am fair and truthful most of the time. Authenticity and values i can't relate with.
@Hope
- Have you ever encountered a situation where you prioritized someone else's needs over your own? How did it make you feel? What could you have done differently to practice fairness towards yourself?
Yes, I have. In the beginning I felt good, but as time passed, I started feeling like I was neglecting my own self and needs over theirs and I started feeling resentment towards the other person. I should have made sure I was also taking care of my own self while still caring for them. - Describe a situation where you were fully yourself, uninhibited, and genuine. What were the outcomes? How does authenticity impact your sense of self-worth? I felt like I was free to be myself and felt more true and honest with myself.
- Can you think of additional examples of everyday situations where applying FAST principles can strengthen your confidence and relationships? when dealing with a stressful situation within my life, when hanging out with people, when having doubts.
1. Have you ever encountered a situation where you prioritized someone else's needs over your own? How did it make you feel? What could you have done differently to practice fairness towards yourself?
I have encountered that situation many times of putting someone else's needs before mine. In situations, such as an emergency, I was happy to do it to ensure their safety and wellness. In situations where I felt pushed, I only felt sadness and exhaustion. What I would have done differently is speak out more and show how important it was to put my needs first in that moment and that I would help when I could.
2. Describe a situation where you were fully yourself, uninhibited, and genuine. What were the outcomes? How does authenticity impact your sense of self-worth?
I felt incredible! I was confident, everything ran smoothly, and I felt like nothing could stop me. I was fully myself. When I am being myself, I do not overthink things as much as it encourages my sense of self-worth.
3. Can you think of additional examples of everyday situations where applying FAST principles can strengthen your confidence and relationships?
I will be trying to apply FAST principles in my life. This whole lesson is very relevant and will encourage me to review FAST to ensure I can go further with my confidence and in my relationships.
@Hope
Thank you for sharing these principles with us! I tend to struggle to think about things like these during the day. Hopefully, reminding myself of them every evening will help me in that regard. I feel like they could help me a lot in various situations.
Have you ever encountered a situation where you prioritized someone else's needs over your own? How did it make you feel? What could you have done differently to practice fairness towards yourself?
I've often spent time with friends even though I knew that I would have felt better using the time to rest or to spend time on my own interests and needs.
In the moment, when prioritizing somebody else's needs, I tend to feel good. It might even be that I'm gaslighting myself to believe that what I'm doing is the right thing. However, once I'm alone again, I come to realize that what I've done, I tend to feel like I've neglected myself. And that usually hits quite hard and heavy.
In most situations, it's as easy as saying no. Since I'm used to prioritizing other's needs over my own, it's difficult even to realize that I'm doing it in the moment. So, I'd definitely have to learn to recognize that beforehand.
Describe a situation where you were fully yourself, uninhibited, and genuine. What were the outcomes? How does authenticity impact your sense of self-worth?
I'm so glad I can be that way around my girlfriend. It helps me to feel comfortable in my own skin, as stupid as this might sound. She makes me feel like I'm valid and valuable as a person.
That's a good question! I'm not quite sure how it impacts my sense of self-worth. As I don't think about myself as negatively as usual in those situations, I feel like my self-worth is at a level it should be then.
Can you think of additional examples of everyday situations where applying FAST principles can strengthen your confidence and relationships?
It'll be challenging, but I feel like I could benefit a lot if I were to apply these principles in my job. Here are a few examples:
- Trusting my gut feeling and voicing my opinion when I don't agree with a solution a team member has suggested.
- Respectfully defending my values when it comes to the quality of my work
- Speaking up about how a remark of a colleague has made me feel
@cautiousVixen
Recognizing you prioritize others is crucial. Saying "no" and setting boundaries shows self-compassion. But do note that sometimes it is okay to spend time with people especially if you are naturally someone who tends to shy away from that. But you only can decide if you need to spend more time or less with people. Keep exploring authenticity, like at work – your gut and values matter! Progress takes time, you're doing great!
@Hope
- Have you ever encountered a situation where you prioritized someone else's needs over your own? How did it make you feel? What could you have done differently to practice fairness towards yourself? This is something that I do quite frequently. For some reason I tell myself that everyone else’s needs are more important than my own. I feel guilty- if I don’t put my needs first I feel like I’m letting myself down and if I do put my own needs first I feel like I’m letting myself down. Enforcing boundaries is what I think I can do differently because usually when this happens, it’s me breaking my own boundaries that I’ve set.
- Describe a situation where you were fully yourself, uninhibited, and genuine. What were the outcomes? How does authenticity impact your sense of self-worth? I love this question. I would have to say that I was fully myself when I went skydiving. The outcome was feeling empowered. When I am authentic I have a greater sense of self worth.
- Can you think of additional examples of everyday situations where applying FAST principles can strengthen your confidence and relationships? I am going to reflect on this a bit. I know there are a lot of examples but I can’t think of any off the top of my head.
- Have
you ever encountered a situation where you prioritized someone else's
needs over your own? How did it make you feel? What could you have done
differently to practice fairness towards yourself?
I can think of such situations on a near daily basis. I feel drained and used and resentful after a while. I do speak up and use interpersonal effectiveness skills like those taught in DBT, however that only works with those willing to cooperate with you. Sometimes, due to poverty and society's unjust systems, we are trapped with such individuals and cannot escape. - Describe
a situation where you were fully yourself, uninhibited, and genuine.
What were the outcomes? How does authenticity impact your sense of
self-worth?
When a person genuinely wants to meet me where I'm at, I feel elated, like a huge burden has been lifted. I can think of expressing a need to my partner and him hearing me and accommodating my needs while I care for his needs, and it feels like wonderful harmony. It builds my self-worth.
However, when a person just wants what they want and will not budge or listen and wishes to punish to get their way, it feels like ***. It forces one into an unwinnable situation of either doing what one resents or having to endure an escalating and/ or enduring fight just to have some peace at home. In fact, either way, there's no peace within the self. It's degrading either way. - Can
you think of additional examples of everyday situations where applying
FAST principles can strengthen your confidence and relationships?
I can apply it to my living situation but unless outside help is given, unfortunately I doubt anything will improve with assertiveness and FAST skills application alone. However, when one has the ability to have distance and peace and well-being away from difficult people, and when one is engaging with people willing to collaborate, I can see FAST being effective. Perhaps I could practice more with communication with my partner.
1. I have so many examples for this! Most recently, there is a situation where I felt annoyed, resentful, and sad. This so so hard to come up with. Um, I could have asked for more time so I didn't feel so rushed.
2. I got to sing for a church service. Working with the accompanist and the other singer, I felt fully myself (for the first time in a loong time. We had a lot of fun and brought some great music to he community. When I feel safe to be my full authentic self, I have confidence in what I am doing and know in myself that I am a good person.
3. Work meetings with my Manager. I. My volunteer work when I am training or educating on a topic.