Building Self-esteem Series: The FAST way
Hi everyone, I hope you are doing well. Last week we talked about what is self-esteem and what it impacts. We had quite a few responses where people shared how they can benefit from an increase in self-esteem, reflecting on how self-esteem plays a role in the success of people they look up to. You can participate in the post here.
This week we will explore one way we can start working on improving our self-esteem. It is the FAST method, rooted in Dialectical Behavior Therapy. What is interesting about this approach is that it allows you to make decisions when faced with everyday choices to ultimately improve your self-esteem by being true to yourself.
FAST Acronym
- F is for Fair – Be fair to yourself as well as other people. It’s important to learn that your needs are just as important as someone else’s. This is also about being assertive and learning to speak your truth.
- A is for Authentic – Don’t apologize for having an opinion or disagreeing with others. This does not mean you have to be rude to others but you can disagree respectfully.
- S is for Stick to your values - Don’t compromise or abandon your values trying to please others or conform.
- T is for Truthful - Be truthful and don’t make excuses. Be honest and don’t exaggerate or tell little white lies.
Here are some more narrowed-down examples/applications:
- F (Fairness): Someone in your group keeps making plans without considering your availability. Speak up! Suggest alternative times or activities that include everyone's preferences. Remember, your needs matter too.
- A (Authentic): Don't be afraid to show your true feelings, whether it's sadness, anger, or joy. Bottling up emotions can be unhealthy. If a friend upsets you, you are allowed to express it. If they did something great, you are encouraged to recognize it.
- S (Sticking to values): Spend time working with a cause you care about, like animal welfare or environmental protection. Contributing to something bigger than yourself aligns with your values and builds self-worth.
- T (Truthfulness): If you disagree with someone's idea, be honest and provide constructive feedback. Offer alternative solutions while remaining respectful of their perspective.
You can answer a minimum of two of the following questions or you can answer all! (The instructions apply to everyone who is working towards the braving self badge)
- Have you ever encountered a situation where you prioritized someone else's needs over your own? How did it make you feel? What could you have done differently to practice fairness towards yourself?
- Describe a situation where you were fully yourself, uninhibited, and genuine. What were the outcomes? How does authenticity impact your sense of self-worth?
- Can you think of additional examples of everyday situations where applying FAST principles can strengthen your confidence and relationships?
Attention: At the end of the series, there will be a short quiz/form to fill out to avail of the badge and show that you have understood the content of the series and have applied the techniques shared. Over the next few weeks, please note down specific situations where you have applied the FAST method. It can even be a few words! This series is more of a workshop than consuming content, for it to benefit you, you will need to apply the methods/techniques and partake in the exercises.
Note: Due to the nature of some of these prompts, we encourage listeners to switch to a member account to participate in the series to benefit fully. If you prefer your listener account, you are welcome! But please maintain the boundaries expected of a person using a listener account and avoid detailed shares of your personal experiences.
@Hope
1. Have you ever encountered a situation where you prioritized someone else's needs over your own? How did it make you feel? What could you have done differently to practice fairness towards yourself?
I have, many times. I am a people pleaser so I didn’t really feel anything prioritising someone else’s needs over mine, if anything I felt guilty if I didn’t. However recently I have observed that when the decision affects me in some way, I become annoyed and irritated but don’t show it to the person. But even feeling this feeling doesn’t stop me from prioritising others because I can’t bear the guilty. The guilt basically haunts me my entire life.
2. Describe a situation where you were fully yourself, uninhibited, and genuine. What were the outcomes? How does authenticity impact your sense of self-worth?
During my chats with my friend online. I felt heard and that I mattered. Makes me feel good about myself because they don’t criticise me like people do irl.
3. Can you think of additional examples of everyday situations where applying FAST principles can strengthen your confidence and relationships?
Trusting myself while making decisions (I don’t trust myself even in the smallest decisions hence my dependency on others) and not beating myself over for saying no to others for a justified reason.
@tidyHickory3283
I hear you struggling with a strong tendency to prioritize others' needs, even at your own expense. The recent irritation and hidden guilt seem like important signals your body is sending. Maybe exploring ways to nurture self-compassion and set healthy boundaries could lessen the guilt and help you find a fairer balance.
@Hope
It looks like it. Maybe I should really start to focus on putting myself first. And as you said, set healthy boundaries. It will be difficult but in the long run, it would be for the best.
@Hope
- Have you ever encountered a situation where you prioritized someone else's needs over your own? How did it make you feel? What could you have done differently to practice fairness towards yourself?
I have. It felt okay, and not-so-okay at the same time. I’ve been taught to keep others and their needs first, and to keep myself second. I think it really depends on the situation but it’s not so great when we prioritise others completely and leave almost no room for ourselves.
- Describe a situation where you were fully yourself, uninhibited, and genuine. What were the outcomes? How does authenticity impact your sense of self-worth?
I don’t think I can completely be myself in real life. I’m homeschooled, I spend most of my time at home and don’t know many people outside of my own family. At home I feel like I need to be anyone but myself in order to be/feel accepted. So I think I’m more uninhibited on Cups - but it depends on who I’m around. It feels good to be accepted for being exactly you :') for me that includes being a bit crazy. Hehe. It feels like your warm and safe, I think.
- Can you think of additional examples of everyday situations where applying FAST principles can strengthen your confidence and relationships?
I think I need to learn to allow myself to feel what I feel, and not bottle it up :')
@LoveMyMoonflowers
"Okay, not-so-okay" captures it well. Cups sounds like your safe space to be unapologetically you - that's precious! Explore FAST to embrace all your feelings, not just the "okay" ones. Remember, self-care isn't selfish, it's vital. Keep being your "bit crazy" self, the world needs it!
@Hope
thank you hope! i appreciate you so much
Have you ever encountered a situation where you prioritized someone else's needs over your own? How did it make you feel? What could you have done differently to practice fairness towards yourself?
I struggle with this daily and am actively working to overcome my people-pleasing mindset. I find that as I block my feelings, I am more in tune with other people's (or what I perceive are their feelings). This leads to me subjugating my own needs and wants in favor of the other person. I have been doing this so long, it is very hard to stop. I especially struggle with this with my spouse and children (now adults). I am angry that I "have" to keep putting them ahead of myself. I also resent them having so many needs. I know these feelings are skewed and not accurate since they never requested me to put their wants and needs ahead of my own but it is still there. I need to work on truly identifying my own needs and wants and then acting on them and expressing them to my family.
Describe a situation where you were fully yourself, uninhibited, and genuine. What were the outcomes? How does authenticity impact your sense of self-worth?
I am my most authentic when I dance and sing to the radio (or favorite music). I like to act silly and goofy but I never do it in front of others. I do not want to be vulnerable to criticism or being made fun of. I don't feel confident in myself and therefore I hide my authentic self from others.
Can you think of additional examples of everyday situations where applying FAST principles can strengthen your confidence and relationships?
By using FAST principles I can develop a better and more accurate self-image. I can work to overcome my inner voice that tells me that I am not important and my thoughts don't matter. This will help to express my feelings in real-time and not days later (if ever).
@SmartCat007
It is great that you can identify how your tendency to people please affects your life. Interestingly, you mentioned resentment. A saying I love to repeat when faced with the application of boundaries is 'discomfort is better than resentment'
It looks like you fear being judged by others. Let us know how implementing the FAST principles went
@Hope Whoever is reading this, can you please suggest a therapist who can help me for free, I am unemployed, 30F who lives with her parents and depends on them. I am lost right now, please
@neonDay2979
Hi Neon, We don't have that option on 7 Cups but you may benefit from our cognitive distortion series
1. i think until a few days ago i've regularly encountered situations where i put someone else's needs over mine. i was actually motivated to join this series due to a recent breakup. in that relationship, i always kept his needs above mine and it made me feel very drained and like i couldn't focus on my things. it also made me feel unimportant and secondary. i realise now that i am worthy and my needs are equally important. i could've communicated my needs to be fair to myself. i was always afraid to do so. i could've set better boundaries and respected them. i could've walked away earlier.
2. as i move forward, there are more and more moments where i am genuine and myself, i think i feel an appreciation for myself, a warm and loving feeling, i am more happy and peace with myself and more grateful too, when i am genuine i believe in myself that i am capable and strong and can do the things that looks difficult to me.
@Hope
Have you ever encountered a situation where you prioritized someone else's needs over your own? How did it make you feel? What could you have done differently to practice fairness towards yourself?
Yes, I have encountered a situation where I prioritized someone else's needs over my own. In fact, sometimes it seems like that's ALL I do. And it makes me feel disgusted...I can't believe I'd betray myself like that, over and over again. It breaks my inner child and forces me to spend time healing and recovering.
Describe a situation where you were fully yourself, uninhibited, and genuine. What were the outcomes? How does authenticity impact your sense of self-worth?
One situation where I was fully myself, uninhibited and genuine was when I went out for the first time in a very long time. I talked to others, enjoyed a drink and food and accepted a compliment. I felt joyful, content and at peace. If I stayed trapped by fears and doubts I wouldn't have allowed any of that to happen.
- Can you think of additional examples of everyday situations where applying FAST principles can strengthen your confidence and relationships?
Well, instead of telling a barista about a mess, I ended up cleaning it myself. It reminds me of how people did this to me and made me feel placated, demeaned cheated because it was my responsibility and they took it from me. If stop taking on more than I need it could improve my mood and energy levels.
@communicativePond1728
Oh. Also, there a lady at a place I frequent who's quite nice at times. At others she's like a snarling dog on a bone. She rushes me in the shop sometimes and treats me, a consistent, good customer in a way that disrespects me. But I bite my tongue and suck it up.
It made me feel bad. If I'm not giving from a genuine place of plenty, from the heart, then I give away my peace of mind. I try remind myself to be easy on myself and that learning to respond forcefully and rest alertly requires extensive practice. I also try do extra self care or get extra help when I need it.
What I could have done differently is waited three to ten seconds before responding to allow any knee-jerk, trauma reactions or responses to pass so I could be more in control of myself. I could have also spoken more kindly to myself, and allowed myself to be there for my inner child more.
@communicativePond1728
It seems your biggest battle is with prioritizing yourself, which isn't selfish—it's essential. Recognizing the self-disgust and inner child's hurt is a crucial step. When you were genuine and joyful, you thrived. Remember that feeling; it's your guiding light.
Notice other opportunities to take control, say no, or set boundaries. The lady example, it seems like her behavior is not related to what you do but rather based on how she is feeling. You may benefit from learning about personalization
@Hope
Have you ever encountered a situation where you prioritized someone else's needs over your own? How did it make you feel? What could you have done differently to practice fairness towards yourself.
I do this quiet a lot I would put onhold what I am doing to help someone who has asked for my help or asked me to do a job even though I maybe tired or busy myself. It makes me feel frustrated and depending on my mood feel worse.
Describe a situation where you were fully yourself, uninhibited, and genuine. What were the outcomes? How does authenticity impact your sense of self-worth?
When I was with my friend. It just made me feel relaxed and less on edge. I feel more confident when I am not being judged.
Can you think of additional examples of everyday situations where applying FAST principles can strengthen your confidence and relationships?
Dealing with demands people give you or problems which may arise in life.
@Hope
Have you ever encountered a situation where you prioritized someone else's needs over your own? How did it make you feel? What could you have done differently to practice fairness towards yourself?
Yes, there have been instances where I prioritized someone else's needs over my own. Sometimes, I felt content with my decision, especially if helping others brought me a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction. However, in other cases, it did lead to feelings of resentment, especially if I neglected my own well-being or if my needs were consistently overlooked.
Describe a situation where you were fully yourself, uninhibited, and genuine. What were the outcomes? How does authenticity impact your sense of self-worth?
A moment of genuine authenticity was during a gathering with my cousins. I expressed my thoughts freely, feeling uninhibited. The outcome was positive, deepening our bond. Authenticity boosts my self-worth by affirming my value and unique identity.
Can you think of additional examples of everyday situations where applying FAST principles can strengthen your confidence and relationships?
Fairness: Speaking up to ensure my needs are considered.
Authenticity: Expressing my true feelings, whether positive or negative, in a respectful manner.
Sticking to values: Declining invitations that conflict with my core values.
Truthfulness: Providing honest feedback in a constructive way
@WeEarth
I am glad you acknowledged that doing things for others does not always result in resentment, sometimes it is a good thing to do. It seems like the resentment kicks in when you prioritize others over yourself.
How incredible to be able to share yourself with your family! I am glad you experienced that moment. The everyday examples are a great way to start applying these principles!
@Hope
😊💓
- Have you ever encountered a situation where you prioritized someone else's needs over your own? How did it make you feel? What could you have done differently to practice fairness towards yourself? Yes, when I had a friend struggling, I gave a lot of my time comforting her, too much time. I loved being there for her, but it took it's toll on me where my depression was triggered some. I think I would have been better to support her, but with boundaries.
- Describe a situation where you were fully yourself, uninhibited, and genuine. What were the outcomes? How does authenticity impact your sense of self-worth? I am usually myself around friends. I am weird, and don't mind being strange at all in front of them. They are accepting of me as I am. When I am authentically me I wonder if I will be accepted fully from others.
- Can you think of additional examples of everyday situations where applying FAST principles can strengthen your confidence and relationships? I think in my self -talk the principles could be applied.
@Hope
1. Have you ever encountered a situation where you prioritized someone else's needs over your own? How did it make you feel? What could you have done differently to practice fairness towards yourself? - Yes I have, most of the time when I'm supposed to take rest and not feeling well. Somehow people would come asking for a favor, I feel torn and conflicted whether to help them or not. At the end, I still end up doing them the favor. If I could have done things differently, I would tell them my situation for understanding and offer an alternative solution or refer to someone else. In that way, I would be fair to myself and at the same time not totally reject them.
2. Describe a situation where you were fully yourself, uninhibited, and genuine. What were the outcomes? How does authenticity impact your sense of self-worth? - When I'm with my friends/classmates, when I show my genuine self I end up being laughed on or ignored. I guess being authentic is not considered cool and friend material to them, I've moved from them but that definitely injured my self-worth.
3. Can you think of additional examples of everyday situations where applying FAST principles can strengthen your confidence and relationships? - One is when we're talking to people, we can be mindful of the duration of the chat as we are busy these days and have work/priorities to be done, we don't want delay unless we're suppose to and have a scheduled talk with them.
@Ubebe
I am glad you can identify how you can respond to the situation differently.
Not everyone appreciates authenticity and that is unfortunate. I hope you can find people who do!
It looks like you have a busy schedule. In that case, it makes sense to limit your conversations if they are taking away from your scheduled work.