Marriage Challenges
My wife and I have been married for 12 years and we have 2 sons that are 8 and 6. We have had a nice life thus far. My wife and I are fortunate to have good jobs and both have our Masters Degrees. About 7 years ago, after a fight, my wife said she wanted a divorce. We talked through things and repaired our marriage and life moved on. However since then, she has use the Divorce Threat once or twice a year--usually to kill/stop a fight or disagreement we have. Yet, we keep carrying on with our lives, buying a new house recently, going on family vacations etc. Most recently she has said to me that she wants us to live separately and she actually seems to mean it this time. I just don't know what to do or think--I'm scared, anxious, etc. On one hand, this Push-Pull aspect she brings to our relationship just isn't sustainable long term, it's exhausting. On the other hand, I love her and I believe she still loves me (she said it three days ago). Plus we have two little kids, and a new house we just moved into a year ago...I need your thoughts please.
@ChannaBanana,
seems your wife is unhappy.
How about relationship counseling?
@dukeofdearham Good idea--We've tried couples counseling and it didn't really work, she wasn't patient with it (she's not a patient person by nature). I wanted to keep trying couples counseling. We still do individual therapy/counseling. Maybe I could try talking her into trying couples counseling again, I'm game for trying and always have been.
@ChannaBanana,
if she wasn't patient with it then you guys got the wrong therapist.
@ChannaBanana
So the first almost divorce was real and you feel her saying it a few times a year or after fights is just to end disagreement and such.....
I would say no ... it probably has a bit of truth to it ..... people repair or stay in marriages for children/ for finances/ for afraid to start over or be alone ....... that does not mean that all is well.
you need a good heart to heart totally honest conversation about your marriage ... you and her .... it sounds like she is not happy ... and you do not see it.
do not bring in all the other connected items like the new house/ the kids/ income potential etc.....
I told spouse i loved him every day sometimes a few times a day ......for a year .... for him ... nope... i was trying to convince myself.....
getting help like counseling sooner is better then later.......
my spouse still does not see he is not even a friend but a simple roommate. any work done now is too little too late
@ChannaBanana I was going to ask if you have considered couples counseling because I think that might be helpful. It was unfortunately not helpful for me and my ex because he was opposed to admitting any fault or doing any real work on the relationship. He used to threaten me with divorce on a fairly regular basis, probably every few months, because he knew I was terrified to be alone. It was a manipulative control tactic, and I finally had enough and left him (there were other reasons, but that was a main one). It is not fair at all for someone to threaten someone like that, especially if the person who has been threatened with it has made it clear how it makes them feel and the couple has agreed to not say that. There is such a thing as "fighting fair" and not saying or doing certain things in the midst of an argument. I wish you all the best and hope that things work out well for you. (I do not/did not have kids, so I do not have specific experience with that aspect of it. I know that must be really difficult.)
I will reserve my opinion on the matter. However, I will leave you with one question:
Do you consider your marriage healthy enough to be an example for your kids, or do you feel it would be happy and healthier for them if there were a different option?
Man, I’m really sorry. I imagine if I were in your shoes I would feel… off-kilter, like “when will she threaten divorce again?”. I don’t like using that as an argument stopper, it is… well, I won’t analyze it but I’m sure it feels awful to be the receiving end of that. It is possible to have hard arguments without dropping the D word… I hope that you wife ends up willing to do some work on herself to make things calmer in your marriage.
People are so different, she may want from your marriage different things that you want. She may be noticing that she in non-monogamous and wants other relationships, but she is not brave enough to bring it up.
@ChannaBanana sorry to hear you are going through this tough time but don’t allow someone to continue to tell you they want a divorce and you stay. There is some truth to what she is saying and you may not want to accept it. She has said exactly how she feels and what she wants. This is how her current state sounds. There’s a difference if both parties are willing to work things out vs. someone checking out. She seems like she wants to heal alone and if you choose to wait for her, you need to be patient and do things on her terms.
On the other hand, you could begin to heal as well and shift to the mindset of being a healthy version of yourself for you and you children and hope things fall into place.
@channabanana In regards to space, ask her exactly how can you help her heal? Does she need to live separately? etc. Only she knows what she wants and hopefully you guys can compromise.
@ChannaBanana Hi, I'm Celine :) This sounds really challenging. Honest and open communication is crucial. Sit down with your wife and express your feelings calmly and honestly. Let her know how her threats impact you and the stability of your family. Encourage her to share her feelings and concerns as well. Also, marriage counseling can be very helpful. A therapist can facilitate productive conversations, provide coping strategies, and help both of you understand each other better.
@ChannaBanana
Hi. I don't know if anything has changed in the last few days, but I just came across your question. Funny, because of the situation I find myself in. I'm a bit biased in my thoughts about your situation because I'm like your wife. I can't speak for her, but I can offer my perspective as a wife that has used the threat of divorce/separation often. Not to hurt or control, but our of hurt, anger, resentment, and frustration.
Your wife is seriously unhappy. It may be with both you and herself. She's likely lingering between going and staying. What is main complaint in the relationship? What is she always unhappy about? What else does she always bring up in an argument? Think back on the fights over the years. Where did the bickering increase? How has it increased and changed? How is her mental health? Yours? How well do the two of you communicate? My best advice is to put the gloves down, open up your heart and mind to taking on all that each other has to say, and what you feel, without consequence. Don't take offense. Don't get mad. Listen with empathy. You're both hurting. Things have piled up and been left unresolved. Yo have to be willing to listen with empathy and sympathy for your partner. She has to be willing to do the same. It's not always easy to hear if not in our favor , but open, honest communication is needed here. A good therapist (one that you both feel comfortable with) could help you navigate this. Honestly, just listening to, and truly hearing, each other can be the breakthrough you're looking for. Theres a lot of intimacy in honesty. It's the ultimate intimacy. It's what brought you together in marriage. You need to be able to sit down to figure out what changed and put in all the work. One of my favorite songs talks about how hard it is to work on a broken marriage, but reminds that walking away also takes effort. Staying is hard. Walking away is hard. You both have to decide which hard is worth it.
@renwllms Thank you for your thoughtful and detailed response. I agree that my wife is unhappy at times, but other times she seems happy. A general personality description of my wife is that she is a critical person by nature. She tends to focus on negatives instead of positives. Her emotions sometimes swing quickly and tend to be on the far ends of the spectrum (Very Happy or Very Mad, not a lot of grey area/emotions). My wife also, was diagnosed as recently as 8 years ago with ADHD, which has explained some of her stress, anxiety and anger as she tends to get angry/lashes out when she's stressed--and we have plenty of stress at times with two little kids and two full time jobs between us. She also tends to be very hard on herself and others--demands near perfection. At the same time she is very sensitive when someone else or I simply brings up something up like constructive criticism.
I also have noticed that she exhibits many of the same anger/lashing out when stressed towards her mother too. It's like when my wife is upset she blames/lashes out at me or her mother (the two people you'd think she would be closest to) In addition to ADHD, I know she has previously been on meds for anxiety and depression, but she doesn't always share this info with me so currently I'm unsure of her Mental Health status. Aside from our currently marriage/relationship challenges I suspect she may have more going on mental health-wise than just ADHD.
I do extra around the house to try to ease her ADHD anxiety and stress (wash all our kid laundry, do all grocery shopping, make all dinners, etc).
In the end all of this is very confusing and hurtful to me and I don't know what to do.
Hello dear, as I read your story, I think it would be considered in two categories, first of all your wife is not satisfied with her life, either she expresses it or hides it. That means, she should conveys the reason her dissatisfaction in a clear way either to you or to a therapist secrately (if she doesn't dare it to express to you), so the real issue can be found and focused on it and trying to find a solution to it.
The second theory is that your wife is not mature enough to realize the value of her sweet life, with two kids, a kind husband and enough wealth and security. If it's the main issue, a consultant should talk to her and give her a new attitude towards her life and what precious things she has around her. She should know how much poisonous would be her threats for divorce and it makes her life ruined and almost unrepairable.
On the other hand, sometimes kids stop us to spend time for our relationship and have sweet talks or romantic communications with our partner because of our engagement with them. We should be aware of this pitfall too.
I hope your relationship comes back to sweet days as the beginning time of your relationship and God bless you.
Regards