Defensive Communication

@Erika4321 I suspect he is embarrassed at his reaction and so when you try to talk to him his defenses go up. This isn’t for the faint at heart, but it’s the best advice I can give and worked miracles in my relationships - Feeling Good Together, by Dr. David Burns. This is a book for your work, not for his, and might be better if you don’t spring it on him like a couples therapy joint project because it isn’t.

Yeah, that makes sense. Thanks so much for the book recommendation. I’ll definitely take a look xoxo

@Erika4321

It sounds like you've been through a lot with your partner, and it's completely understandable to feel disconnected and overwhelmed. It's important to remember that you're also allowed to have needs and feelings, and it's okay if you need some time and space to process your emotions.

♡🦁🌹One thing you can try is to approach the conversation from a place of compassion and understanding. It's important to acknowledge your partner's feelings and pain, while also expressing your own feelings and needs. For example, you could say something like, "I can see that you're hurting, and I understand that you need time to process your emotions. But at the same time, when you have these meltdowns, it affects me deeply as well. I don't want to leave, but I also need to protect my emotional well-being. Can we work together to find a way to navigate these moments so that we can both feel safe and supported?"

♡🦁🌹It's also important to set clear boundaries and expectations for how you want to be treated in these moments. You can express what you need and what you're willing to tolerate, and encourage your partner to do the same. Remember that you both deserve to feel safe and secure in your relationship, and it's important to work together to find ways to support each other through these difficult times.

Love ♡ and Courage 🦁, Tas 🌹

@Erika4321

thats a good idea to focus on how it makes you feel instead of focusing on how he expresses his emotions reassure him that you do accept how he expresses his emotions im sure in his traumatic childhood he had to suppress his emotions and would get punished when he expressed emotions so him defending expressing his emotions freely is understandable and really healthy but this is a relationship and your feelings and you communicating your feelings are just as important

let him know you understand where hes coming from but you just want him to know how you feel and hope he understands where your coming from and the two of you can work out a game plan because of the effect it has on you that might be him going to some room away from you when he starts to feel overwhelmed or if it happens suddenly as in the case of him hurting his hand on the stove explain that you will need to leave the house so you dont have to be around it

@Erika4321 I wish you look. Keep in mind they might not be able to change how they cope and it's not your fault and very likely not theirs either.

Someone's dark clouds over their head aren't yours. It's okay to step out of their storm and create a safe space with compassion and kindness towards yourself so you can give back to them when you feel ready.

@Erika4321,

I applaud you for your understanding, both him and you.

His denial might be a self defense mechanism. Trauma can be so deeply rooted that someone creates his or her own truth about it to cope.

I speak of experience, my (soon to be ex) wife creates her own truths and cannot admit wrongdoing (and I've seen her trying hard).

Giving yourself space and putting down boundaries is important. You have to be there for yourself first. And right now you are giving away your own space. Hence the wall you experience.

Does he get professional help? Have you considered couples counseling? What you guys experience takes a lot of strength and deep love, trust and faith to deal with.

Trauma can be healed, that doesn't mean it goes away. It means one is aware of it and learns to deal will it and not let it lead your life.

As for his emotions, I used to get at a point I was triggered a lot and would get angry. Until someone once asked me a question. I started replying and was told "you are being triggered right now, do you notice it in you". And I did, and all of a sudden I could recognize being triggered and take a break, go for a walk, taking time and space to ease down.

@Erika4321,

It sounds like you've been navigating a complex and challenging situation with empathy and understanding for your partner's traumatic past and emotional struggles. It's commendable that you've been supportive throughout his recovery journey. However, dealing with defensive communication and meltdowns can indeed be emotionally taxing.

Focusing on how the situation affects you is a thoughtful approach to opening up communication. Sharing your feelings and concerns can provide a new perspective and help him understand the impact his meltdowns have on you and your relationship. Remember that effective communication often involves active listening and validation of each other's feelings.

As you initiate this conversation, be patient with yourself and with him. It might take time for both of you to find the right balance and understanding. Your willingness to address these challenges head-on is a positive step towards building a healthier dynamic between you two. Best of luck with your conversation, and I hope that through open dialogue, you can find ways to better navigate these situations together.

@MisssE

I’m new here and unsure how to fully access the platform. Your entry really resonated with me.

Is there a way to send a direct message to each other? I feel we could learn from one another and in turn gain a different perspective on how to help our loved ones.

For example:

Most everything I hear about communication is use “I statements”. That doesn’t always work when communicating with my husband. “I statements” have the ability to make him think I’m making it all about me …even if I lead with validation. It all depends on his frame of mind in that split second.

I wish there was a textbook answer for how to communicate with someone during these moments. It’s a lot of trial and error and what works one day may not necessarily work the next, I’m sure that’s not news to you.

I certainly understand how isolating it can become at times. I hope the interaction went as well as it possibly could have…it sounds that overall you guys are heading in the same direction despite it not always feeling that way. 💕

-l

@BorderlineAwesome

I’m relatively new to the platform as well, and can’t seem to find a way to connect directly, sorry.

I am pleased to say we have touched on what happened a couple of times now. Our first chat was still quite tense, and he remained very defensive through it. But I asked for an understanding of how the situation affected me and a couple of ways that could be prevented next time. In turn, I acknowledged some things he spoke about where I could do things differently next time.

The next day (now 4 days after the meltdown) is where some true healing happened. We’d both had time to process events, requests etc and conversation was much more comfortable and flowing. It was a calm acknowledgment of what each of need in a moment like that, and a mutual agreement to try and keep that all in mind during stressful times.

@MisssE,

I am glad you guys can talk and show mutual understanding.

I tried that before with my wife. She wanted to be understood but I did not receive understanding in return. Expressing my feelings resulted in a "that is not true" response from her.

Action reaction resulted in her filing for divorce. I applaud your husband for not withdrawing, not invalidating your feelings and seeking the connection.

Thanks @dukeofdearham

If I’m being completely honest, he would much prefer pretending nothing happened, not acknowledge and most definitely not take any ownership!! hahaha

Its been a really long road to get to this point, and to be fair these kind of meltdowns are now really few and far between - which is probably why I’m struggling so much.

I used to be a pro at this! Having to guide him through de-escalating his meltdowns was part and parcel of my “role” as his main support person. I could switch off being a “life partner” in order to better set boundaries for my own needs.

But we’re now a good decade past that, and he’s taken on regulating his own emotions, so these kind of meltdowns really take me by surprise these days!

My first attempt at opening convo, being mindful to stick to how I was feeling, still resulted in immediate defensive comments and A LOT of him blaming me. For example, where I was standing, that I moved an item from one bench to another (for safety), that I didn’t ignore him when he screamed out in pain and through food across the room.

That stuff is still his first/automatic response. Just knowing I wanted to chat with him, keeping the location neutral (at the lake), and the vibes super chill, he was finding ways to distract from a confronting conversation - finding a spot on the car that he just HAD to clean right then. Building tension, swearing etc at “the spot in the car”.

Thise type of reflective behaviours are still on auto pilot. So I keep the first chat super brief. How I felt, and a suggestion on how together we could make the environment a little healthier for us both.

The second chat, a good day later, gave him time to process and think about suggestions of his own.

Time does, in fact, heal all wounds! Mostly by allowing us opportunity to build techniques for dealing I think. I dunno. Each day since the meltdown is feeling better.

@MisssE,

I'm so glad there seems to be progress.

It also made me go silent, like "why couldn't my wife and I figure out". I was the one who got in a dark hole, pulled myself out with no help (she tried to help in her way which actually resulted in me feeling totally not heard and not understood). Then I found out she got intense support from someone else, long distance but still. I felt like others had taken over the emotional part of our relationship and I said that a few times. Her reaction "that is not true, no one has taken your place,,". But that is how it felt. Nothing more hurtful than your feelings being invalidated. I would close down after remarks like that.

Looking back, I do think she understood but was too afraid for my reaction. Plus, due to trauma, she can't admit mistakes. Convinces herself she did nothing wrong and is afraid to be told "ok, you screwed up, I'm done". Fear of rejection, abandonment. So what happens.... the man she once called the love of her life (and she meant it, apart from her wishes and what she wants and doesn't know how) is no longer welcome in her life. After saying over and over with even tears in her eyes she wanted to become close friends.

I did do damage, I have worked hard on my triggers and they are under control. She knows. I took responsibility, have apologized, saying I forgive her nothing as there is nothing to forgive.

Let her keep the house. Left with nothing but personal items and my clothes.

One thing I have learned, trauma can seriously damage people. Change them as they learn survival mechanisms that become part of you.

And I feel sorry for people like that. I feel sorry for her.

It sounds like he was neglected as a child and didn't have a caregiver to tend to his injuries. He likely had to deal with it by being in denial about the pain and injury like his caregivers were.

It sounds like those patterns are repeating now.

You could try and be that caregiver in that moment for him.. Like bringing ice with a calm caring demeanour. Over time with patients that may be very healing for him but would mean you having to put yourself in an adult child situation with you playing the role of the caregiver, he's sorely missed out on.

I'm wondering, even though he struggles to see the problems seeming from his trauma... does he see that his emotional outbursts are disturbing others around him and does he want to be able to handle that better?

Stemming*

I think that's the best you can do, is letting him know how you feel, as it sounds like you have your own trauma wounds too.. Hopefully over time reaching out to him about how you're feeling will open his heart to things, but it's likely no one has ever empathised with his emotions so he might get stuck. Do keep exploring each others feelings and empathy for each other.

I'm sorry what you're going through. I can relate. You're doing a great job and you've both overcome so much. As long as he is a decent enough husband to you in other areas and a decent enough person.. You can overcome this too!

Dialectical behavior therapy has 4 aims one of which is learning to control volatile emotions. There's even a DBT app. It really helps.