Defensive Communication

@Erika4321 I suspect he is embarrassed at his reaction and so when you try to talk to him his defenses go up. This isn’t for the faint at heart, but it’s the best advice I can give and worked miracles in my relationships - Feeling Good Together, by Dr. David Burns. This is a book for your work, not for his, and might be better if you don’t spring it on him like a couples therapy joint project because it isn’t.

@Erika4321

It sounds like you've been through a lot with your partner, and it's completely understandable to feel disconnected and overwhelmed. It's important to remember that you're also allowed to have needs and feelings, and it's okay if you need some time and space to process your emotions.

♡🦁🌹One thing you can try is to approach the conversation from a place of compassion and understanding. It's important to acknowledge your partner's feelings and pain, while also expressing your own feelings and needs. For example, you could say something like, "I can see that you're hurting, and I understand that you need time to process your emotions. But at the same time, when you have these meltdowns, it affects me deeply as well. I don't want to leave, but I also need to protect my emotional well-being. Can we work together to find a way to navigate these moments so that we can both feel safe and supported?"

♡🦁🌹It's also important to set clear boundaries and expectations for how you want to be treated in these moments. You can express what you need and what you're willing to tolerate, and encourage your partner to do the same. Remember that you both deserve to feel safe and secure in your relationship, and it's important to work together to find ways to support each other through these difficult times.

Love ♡ and Courage 🦁, Tas 🌹

@Erika4321

thats a good idea to focus on how it makes you feel instead of focusing on how he expresses his emotions reassure him that you do accept how he expresses his emotions im sure in his traumatic childhood he had to suppress his emotions and would get punished when he expressed emotions so him defending expressing his emotions freely is understandable and really healthy but this is a relationship and your feelings and you communicating your feelings are just as important

let him know you understand where hes coming from but you just want him to know how you feel and hope he understands where your coming from and the two of you can work out a game plan because of the effect it has on you that might be him going to some room away from you when he starts to feel overwhelmed or if it happens suddenly as in the case of him hurting his hand on the stove explain that you will need to leave the house so you dont have to be around it

@Erika4321 I wish you look. Keep in mind they might not be able to change how they cope and it's not your fault and very likely not theirs either.

Someone's dark clouds over their head aren't yours. It's okay to step out of their storm and create a safe space with compassion and kindness towards yourself so you can give back to them when you feel ready.

@Erika4321,

I applaud you for your understanding, both him and you.

His denial might be a self defense mechanism. Trauma can be so deeply rooted that someone creates his or her own truth about it to cope.

I speak of experience, my (soon to be ex) wife creates her own truths and cannot admit wrongdoing (and I've seen her trying hard).

Giving yourself space and putting down boundaries is important. You have to be there for yourself first. And right now you are giving away your own space. Hence the wall you experience.

Does he get professional help? Have you considered couples counseling? What you guys experience takes a lot of strength and deep love, trust and faith to deal with.

Trauma can be healed, that doesn't mean it goes away. It means one is aware of it and learns to deal will it and not let it lead your life.

As for his emotions, I used to get at a point I was triggered a lot and would get angry. Until someone once asked me a question. I started replying and was told "you are being triggered right now, do you notice it in you". And I did, and all of a sudden I could recognize being triggered and take a break, go for a walk, taking time and space to ease down.

@Erika4321,

It sounds like you've been navigating a complex and challenging situation with empathy and understanding for your partner's traumatic past and emotional struggles. It's commendable that you've been supportive throughout his recovery journey. However, dealing with defensive communication and meltdowns can indeed be emotionally taxing.

Focusing on how the situation affects you is a thoughtful approach to opening up communication. Sharing your feelings and concerns can provide a new perspective and help him understand the impact his meltdowns have on you and your relationship. Remember that effective communication often involves active listening and validation of each other's feelings.

As you initiate this conversation, be patient with yourself and with him. It might take time for both of you to find the right balance and understanding. Your willingness to address these challenges head-on is a positive step towards building a healthier dynamic between you two. Best of luck with your conversation, and I hope that through open dialogue, you can find ways to better navigate these situations together.

@MisssE

I’m new here and unsure how to fully access the platform. Your entry really resonated with me.

Is there a way to send a direct message to each other? I feel we could learn from one another and in turn gain a different perspective on how to help our loved ones.

For example:

Most everything I hear about communication is use “I statements”. That doesn’t always work when communicating with my husband. “I statements” have the ability to make him think I’m making it all about me …even if I lead with validation. It all depends on his frame of mind in that split second.

I wish there was a textbook answer for how to communicate with someone during these moments. It’s a lot of trial and error and what works one day may not necessarily work the next, I’m sure that’s not news to you.

I certainly understand how isolating it can become at times. I hope the interaction went as well as it possibly could have…it sounds that overall you guys are heading in the same direction despite it not always feeling that way. 💕

-l

It sounds like he was neglected as a child and didn't have a caregiver to tend to his injuries. He likely had to deal with it by being in denial about the pain and injury like his caregivers were.

It sounds like those patterns are repeating now.

You could try and be that caregiver in that moment for him.. Like bringing ice with a calm caring demeanour. Over time with patients that may be very healing for him but would mean you having to put yourself in an adult child situation with you playing the role of the caregiver, he's sorely missed out on.

I'm wondering, even though he struggles to see the problems seeming from his trauma... does he see that his emotional outbursts are disturbing others around him and does he want to be able to handle that better?

Dialectical behavior therapy has 4 aims one of which is learning to control volatile emotions. There's even a DBT app. It really helps.