Defensive Communication
My partner has come from an extremely traumatic childhood, and we navigated his sobriety and recovery together when I met him in my late 30’s. He had to re-learn how to deal with complex emotions, and every now and then has these meltdowns that can create an extremely chaotic and volatile environment around him. I can’t try and help him through it at the time as his emotions are so heightened - he can’t see past the triggers that set him off.
Where I acknowledge his pain/hurt/frustration and try to move him on to focusing on the way he deals with those emotions, he’ll keep bringing it back to the initial source, “What, am I not allowed to be in pain?” (Eg. After hurting his hand while cooking).
So I’ve recognised he needs time and space to be able to move past the trigger, but after he’s settled he moves in to pretending nothing happened at all!
In the meantime I have had to leave the space to ensure a level of calm in my own safe-space, and I automatically build an internal wall to protect my emotional well-being and feel a level of disconnection as a wife/life partner/support person when I do this. When I return to him pretending nothing happened I end up feeling stuck behind that wall and need to work extra hard to re-connect with him.
Sometimes I find it hard to even WANT to open up a conversation about it. I expect the default setting from him of “What, I hurt myself”…..nothing more.
We’ve just had a meltdown moment the other day - and today I am going to try and open communication with him, this time focusing on how it all makes ME feel rather than his inability to regulate his own emotions. Wish me luck!! All advice welcome!!!!