Common Ways We Excuse Toxic Behavior
"Even with all the knowledge we have today, victims still struggle to find support when they try to escape an unhealthy or abusive relationship. This can start internally by excusing behaviors or grappling with the ability to recognize abuse. This reaction is common for survivors of family trauma, who were conditioned to believe that maltreatment is normal, or members of some cultures and faiths that do not recognize actions as being abusive.
Common ways that victims are conditioned to excuse unhealthy behavior:
Intellectualizing: They explain away the behavior using logic instead of understanding that harmful behavior is harmful, no matter the reason for it. Some excuses might be: “They had a bad day” or “They’re going through a lot.” Survivors stuck in relationships with abusers who are unable to act rationally end up projecting that rationality and empathy onto their partners, undeserved. They forgive the bad times with phrases like: “They’ll stop,” “It won’t get that bad,” “She's just mad,” and “Nobody could be this cruel.”
Being desensitized: They diminish their emotional reaction to abuse or violence. This is often seen in people who grew up in homes with domestic violence: “It wasn’t so bad” or “Other people had it worse.”
Denying: They invent ways to deny the reality of their abuse. “It wasn’t like that, I’m remembering it wrong” or “He wasn’t angry, he was just tired.”
Accepting: They accept their position as an inevitable lot in life, due to pressures from society, culture, faith, or other sources. They explain the abuse as “my role,” and may say things like, “We all have our burden to bear.”
Bargaining: They try to reason or bargain with their abuser to convince them to stop instead of leaving. “Maybe if I try to do better about making sure the house is clean, they won’t be so stressed when they get home."
Self-blame: They convince themselves they are the cause of their own abuse. They may tell themselves or others the abuse would stop; for example, “If only I didn’t make them angry.”
If you find yourself using any of these methods or others to excuse abusive behavior, you can take steps to stop these thoughts. Here are some tips:
- Remind yourself that what happened is not your fault.
- Ask yourself, “What would I tell a friend if they were experiencing the same behavior?
- Get ahead of it."
Read the full article on Psychology Today
✨Takeaway: Despite increased awareness, victims still struggle to find support when leaving an unhealthy or abusive relationship. It is important to remind yourself that abuse is never your fault, and seek support from friends or professionals.
✨Reflection: What are some healthy ways to support a friend or loved one who is experiencing an unhealthy or abusive relationship?
#Relationship #Toxic #Behavior #Unhealthy
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@innateJoy9602
I just realized that I excuse unhealthy behavior by intellectualizing it. I don't like blaming someone for their unhealthy behaviors because it was never their intention and especially, if i know their story, it makes it more harder. So I'm not really sure what to do in such situation.
I'm thankful for the post.
@pandanfe
I find it helps to separate the behaviour from the underlying feeling. And empathise with the latter, and not the former. For example, it is understandable that they are upset after a difficult day, but not OK that they took it out on me. Or, its understandable that they have anger management issues due to their childhood, but not ok to threaten people. Etc.
I've particularly found it helpful in validating myself. Eg, it's understandable that I struggled in that situation, due to xyz, but, I can learn better coping strategies so that others don't have to suffer the consequences. It gives me much more hope than "I failed" or "I messed up again"
Sorry, I'm probably going on unnecessarily. I love these discussions for deepening self awareness and can get carried away 😄
@Clio9876 what helps me is, (scenario) hey I went through xyz and I manage not to beat people up, so the guy who mugged me (making all this up) also did not have to do that despite his need or past traumas.
It was also illegal so I will further validate myself by reporting the incident to the authorities and get any treatment I may need.
In actual real life I have been busting heads right and left, not physically but reporting wrongdoing upon me when it occurs, and have been finding all the results are good when I do this!! I rarely get everything I want and occasionally all my efforts fail. But the situation generally then changes for the better, and this is a consistent result!
So I will keep doing this.
@innateJoy9602
My first husband, as he spiralled downward to being purely abusive, once said, "I blame you for my feelings!" And I was...that statement clarified for me this situation was reaching some critically dangerous state.
I flat out lied to people around me to cover up all he was doing. And it helped me to deceive myself and stay in what I should have known was a dangerous toxic living situation.
I ended up running with the clothes on my back, pack, clothes and laptop.
@RogueOne1983
I'm so grateful that you were able to recognize that red flag from him. I'm sure it must have taken so much courage and strength for you to leave. So incredibly proud of you for that! <3
I hope your story can inspire others who might be in similar situation to make the difficult but necessary choice for themselves. Sending many hugs your way <3 💜
@innateJoy9602 Thanks I did make some vids and posts on social media about this. Thanks for the encouragement!!
@innateJoy9602
Hi Joy! 😊 ❤️ Many thanks, my friend for creating this amazing forum post! 😊 This just came up as a notification and I'm so very grateful that it did! This is so very well written and yes, parts of it do highly resonate with me. I be like.....oopsie, yup, I did that, I did that one and I did that one too! 😳 There are a few tactics on that list that I was once doing, trying my best to get along and find peace and harmony at the detriment to myself.
Luckily for me, I noticed these behaviors that you listed in myself as well as the toxic behavior from another and started calling it all what it truly was....abuse. Mental, emotional and physical. No more excuses made for them, no more intellectualizing and no more allowing the other party to make their excuses for it all.
People that behave this way are aware that what it is that they do, is wrong. It's simply that they don't care and it's entirely too enjoyable for them, so why stop? Everyone is responsible for their own behaviors and people that behave in a toxic way, many times seek out kind and well meaning people to perpetrate upon.
There is hope, there is freedom for many eventually. Reading a post such as yours Joy, could be so very helpful and for so very many to one day, find that peace as well as, to feel that their feelings have been validated today. ❤️
I move forward in the world, still being slow to anger and quick to forgive, however I notice the signs much more quickly and remove the toxicity if boundaries are consistently being crossed. I have found my voice. ❤️
Again, many thanks Joy!
*high fives* 😊 and big *hugs* ❤️
@SparkyGizmo
Hiyaaa sparky!!
It’s tough to recognize abuse sometimes and takes a lot of courage to call it as it is! Especially, if we always try and want to see the good in others. Both the truth is, just that. – it can be abusive.
You're absolutely right - everyone is responsible for their own actions. You've beautifully captured the essence of it all: that people who engage in toxic behavior often know it's wrong but continue because they find it enjoyable. It's a sad truth, but acknowledging it is the first step toward breaking free.
It's so inspiring to see how far you've personally come in your own journey sparky. I love that you are on a positive path forward. (:
Just as you said – there is hope! 💜
Many hugs right back to you my friend <3 (:
@innateJoy9602
❤️❤️❤️
@innateJoy9602 wow joy, thank you so much for this insightful post💙🦋 I just realized that I too was kinda gas lighted and conditioned to excuse unhealthy behaviours🧸 have a great day!
@innateJoy9602
thank you so much for this post! 💕
@LoveMyMoonflowers
Thank you loads for taking the time to read.
Appreciate you! (: 💜
@innateJoy9602
Appreciate you too! 💜
@innateJoy9602 I saw all the red flags but I thought it was a circus. I've denied and rationalized. I've bargained - thinking that if I would have just kept my mouth shut and not said anything then it wouldn't have happened. Idk - I'm not sure if I trust myself enough to say something wasn't my fault. I probably played a hand in it somewhere. Plus they're usually pretty good at explaining why they did what they did and I'm good at doubting if what I'm feeling towards their behavior is right. It usually not until things are rehashed with the therapist or someone outside of the situation that I come to understand that the behavior was toxic
@mytwistedsoul
hellooo soul! (:
Unfortunately, it's not uncommon to doubt ourselves when we've been in these kinds of situations. It's easy for them to make it seem like it is our own fault.
You've really it on something I think many people can relate to. - the doubt and self-blame that often comes along with it. You are definitely not alone in feeling this way. Just as you said, they are good at it!
Appreciate you sharing your experience soul. I'm really glad you have a therapist to go to. <3💜
@innateJoy9602 Thank you for your reply :) I'm realizing it can take a long time to get past the doubts and self blame :/
Thank you @innateJoy9602 for such an insightful post!
It is so important to remember that people in abusive relationships are often trying to excuse or ignore that behavior in one way or another. It can be their mind's way of "protecting" them from the situation. When supporting someone experiencing abuse, always remember that it isn't their fault for staying with that person. Abusers will commonly separate their partners from the supportive people in their life, so do your best to remind your friend that you will always be there for them. Try not to push them away because of how their partner acts. They might not be ready to leave right away, but it can never hurt to have a truly supportive friend on their side.
@StarlightHug
Hi there starlight!!
Very wise words indeed! Such a crucial point and I could not agree with you more!!
It's such a complex situation and judgment or blame should never be directed towards the victim. Which is why being supportive and there for them is soo needed and valuable.
Understanding and empathy go a long way <3 Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us (: 💜
Beautiful! People definitely need to know! Even family, friends and often professionals sometimes can be guilty of these behaviours that normalize abuse without expressly intending to do so or having ill intentions. We are all products of biases in our thinking and this is how subtle forms of abuse might become ingrained in society and culture without recognition of its harmfulness.
Thank you for sharing 💕