I am back (TW)

@juliak1968

Ah!! 🤯 That sounds beautiful!!!

@ClassicAnonymous17

My freind has a 200 gallon salt water setup, it has light shows that bring realism to its underwater paradise. He spent almost 4000.00, i will be working on a much lower budger, like 200.00 maybe. I have to find a way to quit smoking. I quit once before but this time seems harder.

@juliak1968

*budget

@juliak1968

I know for every person that has smoked smoking is a hard addiction to quit.

whenever I was in the middle of stopping from smoking I was chewing on straws constantly I always had straws on me.

as for my husband he would snack on pretzels he would keep individual packages on his person ALL the time.

For each person it's different.

@ClassicAnonymous17

I may need to buy some candies, some nicotine gum, and/or patches. Im nervious but really want this move to be smooth as possible. I sure have been struggling these past few days!! 😊

@juliak1968

AAAHHH!!!😓

my toddler...

I was taking a shower she comes in yelling I said what's wrong what's wrong she says I need to tell you a secret come here so I open the shower curtain I've bend down I said what's your secret

she said I need a snack 🤦🏼‍♂️

I have tried the patches before they held me over pretty good!!

@ClassicAnonymous17

She is right, a snack break for both of you could be fun!

@juliak1968

Cute but my god!!

That is what I do Miss having privacy 🚽🛁🚿🧖🏼‍♀️

@ClassicAnonymous17

:-0

@juliak1968

Why the shocked face???

@ClassicAnonymous17

Your surprised face when your daughter came asking for a snack while you were busy

Lol

@juliak1968

Definitely

@ClassicAnonymous17

My therapist weighed in and thinks i should keep looking for a better apartment so i dont have to force myself to quit under pressure. She may be right. Im so conflicted lol

@juliak1968

I am glad to hear that your therapist did give you feedback.

When it comes down to it and it's all up to you.

😊👏🏻💟

@ClassicAnonymous17

Im not geared to handle the stress of making the choice. So im headed to sleep to escape the stress.

Have a good nights dreams!!

@ClassicAnonymous17

It looks like im taking that apartment, i finished all the application yesterday, and just waiting to hear if i get it.

@juliak1968

I'm glad you finally came to a decision 👏🏻👏🏻😊

What was it that made you take the leap in choosing that apartment??

i hope you will be happy there💟

@ClassicAnonymous17

I heard there wasnt anything else nearly as nice so im going to try to make this work. I bought annicotine vape pen and im just goingbto have to drive off when i need a cigarette and vape any other time. Im still nervious. We are trying to get me a home health aide for a few hours a week. My anxiety is on high but im trying to stay calm and start planning.😊

@juliak1968

👏🏻 You buy nicotine vape pen that's great it's good substitute for a cigarette

I'm sorry you're anxiety is being rough right now 😓

@ClassicAnonymous17

I should ask my doctor about some medicine to help me stay calm so i can think more clearly. How are you today

@juliak1968

If you feel that you need the medication you do need to mention that to your doctor!!

Today has been stressful but I can't help but blame myself.

I hate the end of the month.

the end of the month is usually whenever we get groceries which nine times out of ten we have them delivered to the house.

My eating disorder today has been extremely tedious!!

Looking at food all I see is the numbers and all I want to do is cry!!

Getting ready to go on an all liquid diet!!

my husband asked if I wanted for Valentine's Day last night and I told him it just $100 hits and why do you want a hundred dollars I said so I can buy. Canned milk and frozen fruit for smoothies 🤦🏼‍♂️😓 that right there cause a fight!!

@ClassicAnonymous17

When you say you see numbers when you look at food; what does that mean? Calories? Tell me a little about your eating/food issue you have. Smoothies sound great! I need to loose 100lbs, im 300

@ClassicAnonymous17

You can ignore my questions and only talk about what your comfortable with. Im assuming my weight problem is different. Are you making smoothies, or did you find something else?

Blessings!

@juliak1968

When I say whenever I think of food food I automatically see numbers.what I mean by that phrase is I automatically see inches grow on my body or the calorie count pop up in my head.

___

Yes I am getting ready to go

on a all smoothie diet& plus meal replacement shakes.

___

For myself the only good thing about covid-19 & everything closing down around where we live is I put on so much weight my boobs have gone up three cup sizes.

I've always wanted big boobs!

___ not trying to make that awkward I'll leave that alone I'm sorry.

But the bad thing about covid is I've put on weight around my stomach with has driven me insane.

before Covid in our area code we had 5 gyms in our community now there's only two.

2017& 2018 Mid 2019 I was a personal trainer.

Size 7 pants NOW size 18/22😓🤦🏼‍♂️

I did fitness competitions __ even won some September 2019 I got really sick I was put on bedrest the two gyms left one I have been banned from __ inappropriate shorts and my bra was showing the other gym they do not take applications they Scout for their trainers for me to work for them I need to lose weight AGAIN.

& get back into competition shape win a few more and then I have a possibility of being recruitedf after being put on bed rest at the end of 2019 I started poorly taking care of myself I would eat wait like 3 -5 mins & then go to the bathroom & puke it up for months __ til my daughter started eating her food she would say oh my stomach hurts & she would take vomit

⬇️ she would fake vomit.

whenever she started doing that I started realizing that she could hear me while I was vomiting in the bathroom

@ClassicAnonymous17

Wow kids learn everything! OMG, lol

@ClassicAnonymous17

9 years ago when i was released from prison i had been working out every other day for an hour, sometimes id do 900 pushups in the hour, or sometimes id do squats sets of 300+, when i was released i was 240 all solid and had increased my biceps to 20 inches. Unfortunitly after i got out i ate the foods id gone without for so long and fell into a bad depression plus i suffer bad ptsd, so my health fell quickly. i was always very challengef du to avascular nercrosis its a bone desease cause by the blood supply to my joints. so cronic pain and pills now for 17 years, and im trying to figure out how to loose weight and survive. i have asthma, copd, hypertention also so i face constant struggles. I sure wish you could push and train me, i need to find the inspiration and motivation so i work on my mental health with 2 therapists, a case worker, a case managet, and a few others all on my team trying to help me, yet it still eludes me.....

A goal and supportives freinds are so important 😊

@juliak1968

You are correct goals and supportive teams or must have for success.

2016 when I was at my 2nd lowest.

First lowest 2012 Dec _ a suicide attempt and I was put in the hospital for a month.

Oct 2016 I started having the same reoccurring thoughts then it clicked I told myself.

Being honest with myself crying uncontrollably.

Going through the different thought processes. I told myself I haven't really pushed myself to see myself _be better_ if I pushed myself for a full year to be better think better in overall feel better in my body then yeah sure it's okay to give up. * Honest sorry.

Within a year of me being strict on myself. Not eating junk food not having soda not drinking not smoking I'm not a cigarette smoker I'm a cigar smoker my favorite flavor is cranberry vodka long ladies 😍 haven't had any since 2016

No junk food no soda no energy drinks _ coffee once a week SUNDAY MORNING

within a year I went down three shirt sizes I lost all my boobs completely cuz of how much weight I lost my pant sizes at that time at my best I was at a size 6.

all negative music I wouldn't listen to that because I didn't want to trigger anything in my mind.

I would not talk to anybody if I had the slightest thought they would bring out the worst in me I would not message anybody also with the same thought process.

Finally when the year was up I had told my confidant _ my plan__ I miss her I miss my Confidant .We had a falling out because she had made a comment about my husband to an acquaintance that I know when I asked her about what she had said about my husband I said how do you think I can be friends with you if you can speak about my husband like that and she told me I was being petty and she believes I blew it out of proportion and I told her within the past year I have not spoken to anybody who has caused the worst in me who has caused me any ill thoughts I don't want that in my life so with that being said I cannot be your friend no more you cannot talk to me I cannot talk to you. Within that time it was just awkward because she knew I was serious. *** MY HUSBAND IS MY EVERYTHING . _ Oct 2017 I went to the bathroom and just started crying my husband was home that evening he asked me what was wrong why am I crying like this you haven't cried in so long when I told him about _ * My PLAN _ he just started crying he was like I thought you were getting better because you wanted to get better not because you were challenging yourself I explained to him I'm not going to do what I told myself is I do feel better I'm crying like this because I feel I don't want to say completely 100% opposite of the way I felt the previous year but pretty damn close __ sorry about the cuss word I'm not big on cussing unless if it's to make a point

@ClassicAnonymous17

I understand my past few years the 15 years before this caught back up with me and i had chronic ideation and i did groups, er hospital stays of 2 weeks and 11 days, it all just got to hard and i feel tired. So now im trying again, and help came just in time, a little hope goes a long way with me. I understand your challenge. I rather see you challenge yourself to keep getting better and be nice to yourself.

@juliak1968

__ I do not want to sound creepy at all / stay open-minded till the end ___

The other night I had a dream me and you had agreed to meet up somewhere since we live in the same time zone & we had went an old Applebee's restaurant.

when I was a child my grandmother would take me to this Applebee's this Applebee's is about 2 and 1/2 hours away from where we live so anytime we went we knew it was a treat

___

Me and you had agreed to meet up at that Applebee's.

in my dream I could sense that I was really nervous whenever you had walked in I actually knew you 😂

And I woke up and I was like wow what if I actually do know this person ___ okay that was my weird dream if it's weird just tell me 😂

@ClassicAnonymous17

Dreams can really work details of our lives into believable dreams. 😊

Not strange :-)

@juliak1968

Cool!! Thank you for being understanding 😊 & not creeped out 👍😊

@ClassicAnonymous17

:-)

@ClassicAnonymous17

Do you have a listener on 7cups? Ive met a few very good ones lastbyear.

@juliak1968

I have two good listeners

_ thank you for asking

@ClassicAnonymous17

I used to be a listener but i was manic and got burned out. Now a days i feel lazier than ever before. This move will seem like the hardest even though i have less things now than ever before

@juliak1968

What does manic mean??

@ClassicAnonymous17

Its a time when my mind is in high gear being pushed by emotion and when i get like that i am creative and write a lot of poems in an attempt to understand things better.

Manic is bordering on having the up side of bipolar

@juliak1968

Gotcha!!! _ sorry I'm not too smart🤦🏼‍♂️😓

@ClassicAnonymous17

Sometimes when Im manic i get a ton more work done. Im more creative but it comes with a sadness and despiration i work hard not to be manic, i suffered ptsd for 38 years so trying to unlearn some of my negative automatic thinking is very evasive.