A place for Vase and Berry
Hi @bestVase7265 This is a place where we can chat with each other. Thank you so much for supporting me, Vase. I'm very grateful and I'm happy to continue our previous conversion here. 😊
you know what? my whole life is a mess. i've missed so much in school these past few days. my friend in school knows i'm sick because on monday evening she messaged asking for notes and i was too sick to send them, so my mother replies saying "(my name) came home with a fever, she will send it to you when she feels better." so my friend has no idea how sick i really am, like it's not just a fever. she's been sending me notes for tuesday, wendesday and today, and just constantly asking "are you coming tomorrow?" it know she's just feeling lonely but it's getting annoying. i'll probably go to school on monday straightaway.
i have so much schoolwork left from months ago, and now i have so much piled up work from these days that i'm missing school. what am i even supposed to do now?
I am so, so sorry that you have been so sick. I am guessing that the low hemoglobin levels are making it even tougher. You will get your strength back, but it is just going to take time.Â
I wasn't in any way blaming you for not eating, by the way. You have never seemed like a picky eater to me. My guess is that because you eat slowly that your mom has been feeding you less than she should. She probably isn't thinking much in terms of you growing and needing more food. That's on her. She will hopefully start to make you more of the food that you need once she is healthy again. But once you are both healthy again, try to grow your general eating capacity a bit. It might help with all of the mental health stuff. I just want to get you more energy and feeling better.
I am sorry that your mom yelled and that she is frustrated because everyone is sick. She probably feels like she is the only one that has to be sick and care for others at the same time. That isn't entirely true, but it is easier for her to feel sorry for herself that way. Her voice may also be higher pitched (and your ears more sensitive) with both of you being sick.
Focus as much as you can on watching videos, etc. to pass the time. The thoughts can get really rough when you are so exhausted. Sending you strength and peace. Don't worry about doing the good moments right now either. That would be really tough while you are sick.
We can focus on you doing the reading once you feel better. Now isn't the time anyway. But you aren't lazy, just sick.
I am sorry that your dad is so anti-doctor. My guess is his own mental health struggles play a role there. It only takes one or two bad experiences when you are younger to get really scared. But he is being self-absorbed.
The easiest thing for you to do is just ignore him though. Getting angry over the fact that he got you sick or isn't visiting is only causing you pain. He isn't feeling anything as a result.
Yes, the holidays are big here and I don't get much of a chance to enjoy them with all of the running around while trying to grade everyone's final papers and exams. Our regular term ends tomorrow and exams are next week. So I will grade until the 23rd and Christmas starts on the 24th. But it is like this every year, so I am learning to lower my expectations a bit and do the best that I can. We got up the tree (no decorations yet) and a bit of stuff outside today. So that is good enough for one day.Â
I may miss writing tomorrow night. My son who has been away in Europe for 3 months is coming home tomorrow.Â
i am done witb this. i said i am done. i hate my life. i hate everything about it. now let me gooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
my mother has been yelling so much. constantly going off about how horrible i am, how i've inherited all my father's bad qualities, telling me that i will end up just like him. when i say constantly, i mean it.
and i threw up my breakfast today. it was horrible. i've been feeling really sick all day. like i dunno how to describe it but kinda nauseous and uncomfy and dizzy. my mother says it's because the doctor has given me meds of dosage that's too high for my weight. the doctor didn't check my weight or anything, just gave meds knowing my age.
Ugh. I am so sorry that the sickness continues and your mother continues to take her frustration out on you. She is totally wrong to be blaming you for anything at this point. You are all too sick.
May you start to feel better soon. It will happen.
I wish I hadn't had to miss last night. It was a rougher night for us because my son's flight got delayed, his luggage came on an even later flight and he left his phone at a different airport.
@exuberantBlackberry9105
i'm really tired of being sick. it's boring. it's painful. it's tiring.
last night i could hardly sleep because of stomach pain and around 4:45 am or something it got so bad that i had to call my mother. she gave me period cramp meds (yes, that annoying period also had to come now) though i doubt if it was really periord cramps or side effects of meds.
anyway, so even today i dont feel well, i might not go to school tomorrow. i've fallen behind at school so badly. what am i supposed to do now?
today is what, 8th december? yeah, right. i have exams starting on 6th january. unit test-2 from 6-10th jan. and i'm so behind with everything. all my notebooks are incomplete. all my lessons are un-understood and unread by me at home. and i'm not talking about 1 subject. i'm talking about 5, and in reality, 10.
how am i ever gonna catch up? where do i even start?
then we have final exams in march. for that, we'll have to study everything we have learnt from april 2024. that's a lot. 9th grade absolutely sucks.
oh and 10th grade is gonna be a lot shorter than the usual school year. it'll start in april and all the teaching will be over by november end. then one set of exams in december, another in january, and then board exams in february/march.
i'm terrified about the next 1.5 years of my life. how will i get through it if i'm always so lazy? i need to get up and study, you know. but i dont even know how to study anymore. the internet has made me forget how to study.
You are going to slowly rebuild your strength. Give yourself a little space to do that. You starting to feel a little better is a step in the right direction. Focus on that good step.
You will be up and about more soon. So now you can start doing some of the studying. Don't look down at the pile or what will happen once you go back to school. Focus on what you can do right now. Thinking about the next year and a half is way too much. You can only actually do anything in the present.
You said "the internet has made me lazy." So turn the internet off for longer intervals. Starting to do minimal amounts of school work now will help you feel a little better about it. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 let's hope i can get some stuff done today. i also have to clean up my room and stuff you know.Â
Of course, but you are going to start getting there. The first few days after being ill are challenging in terms of emotions and energy level. But you can do this. I am here to cheer you on. @exuberantBlackberry9105
Sorry you actually said "the internet has made me forget how to study". I didn't go back and look completely at the old message. But what I would say remains the same - start turning it off if it makes you forget. @exuberantBlackberry9105
how come everything's always my fault? i'm tired of this. all arguments are somehow always my fault. it hurts. it hurts so much. i don't know how much longer i can bear this pain. i don't want to be anymore i'm tired of always messing up and being the one to cause all sorts of problems. i'm tired of being this problematic burden.
i couldn't sleep well last night and when my mother came to wake me up today, i was already awake and trying to sleep. she was so... weird and messed up my mood. then she's just repeatedly doing all the things i don't like her doing. i tired ignoring it and managing my irritation, but then the maid came and my mother came calling for me *very* loudly. and... i just snapped. "whaaat?" i screamed and i guess it was too rude so she came about to slap me and made me say sorry. so i did and she went away.
later on, she's yelling from the kitchen to ask if i've taken my water. some time after that, came to talk to me about "why" i do this every morning and telling me that i have no self control and blah blah blah. after the maid left, she's going on about how arguments every morning are the reason the maid isn't doing her job well. arguments because of me and my father and how maids take advantage of any family that has too many arguments. she's mad at me for not controlling myself in front of the maid at least. i feel horrible. it was my fault today that all that happened. like it's hers too but she's blaming it on me and it hurts.
it's 11:27 am and i couldn't get myself to start any schoolwork yet because i feel so bad. been trying to watch youtube to feel better. something i found made me cry so that helped a bit. but no homework done yet. i'm supposed to go shower right now. i guess after that i might do something.
i feel sleepy though. i went to bed pretty late last night and the one before. that's causing trouble because i had been sleeping a lot last week. if you're sleeping for 7.5-9 hours every day and one day you get 6 hours, it's hard because your body isn't used to it. if you've been sleeping 5-7.5 hours every day and then one day you sleep 6, you'll be just fine because your body is used to it. that's a tired and tested fact, for my body at least. well proved in april of this year.
when my mother was treated badly by her mother, at some point in her life, (before she became a mother, of course) she apparently "promised to myself that I would never do such thing to my children".
could she keep the promise? on some level, i think yes. i mean, she doesn't physically hurt me much, unlike her mother. but she really couldn't get the emotional thing right. she did fail there. she couldn't become a mother who made her child feel loved and cared for. i understand why she failed – clearly she became a mother under less than ideal circumstances and it was hard for her. but that doesn't change the fact that she failed. she did, in a way, fail to break the generational cycle of abuse.
now, i'm here as just a little kid, telling myself that i will never do to any other child in the world, what has been done to me. but what tells me that i wont fail too? what if i fail to break the cycle? what if i end up living to make another child miserable? if my mother failed, i could too, couldnt i? what if i do?
also, i was just thinking... when i was younger, my mother would shout at me and slap me sometimes, but after she calmed down, she'd always come to me to hug me and tell me that it's not really my fault but my father's. that she had been upset because of him and accidentally punished me for something trivial just because i kinda trigerred it, but that's not my fault, she would tell me. she'd comfort me when i'd start crying and tell me that she didn't mean to hurt me. none of that is the case now. it's always my fault. i don't hear a sorry, don't get a comforting hug, don't hear that she didn't mean to hurt me. does that mean she means to hurt me now?
oh, and i'm going back to school tomorrow. i am terrified. going to school after being absent for 6 days. the last time i went was 2nd december. and the last time i saw my friend was 29th November because she was absent on 2nd december. i'm so scared. i don't really want to go. but i'm tired of being home and the drama in here. my mother's tired of me too and wants a break. so i'll have to go. i'm so scared.
I got started a little too late tonight to look at this, but it will be first on my agenda for tomorrow night.
I am giving an exam tomorrow to my class and realized at the last minute that I forgot to print up the copies of the exam for them to see the questions. Sigh. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 it's alright, i understand.
right now i'm just really going crazy over chemistry. like all other subjects, i at least know what all i have to do. i know how to do it. i might not understand everything just yet, but i know i'll understand it and get it sorted at some point. yeah, even for maths i understand because we're doing statistics and i like statistics, like it's pretty easy. english, yeah it's a lot but i know what is to be done. i'm pretty lost with physics but i'll leave a few pages and just try to understand what's going on right now and do the old work later. i can kinda be relaxed about it because we don't have any physics test or anything coming up. for biology, history, and political science, i can just manage somehow and we don't have notebook submissions soon. so it'll be fine. for geography and economics, i don't have any written work to do so i'm good.Â
chemistry is the one subject that's really stressing me out. i don't understand anything at all, we have to write q&a in the notebook and a test already happened while i was absent and i might have to give it later. my notebook is really incomplete. there's a lot of stuff to memorise in this chapter and i have no idea how to. i really hate this chemistry. like we have 4 chapters in chemistry this year and the first two were a piece of cake literally. okay, chapter 2 was kinda hard but ch 1 was so easy. and ch 3 is some other worldly nonsensical science. i hate it.
oh and i've just been thinking of how crazy our economics teacher is. she was talking about how in a rented house, if you want to hammer a nail into the wall, you gotta call the owner for permission and they'll say no so you'll just have to keep the calendar on a table and how you cant do anything at all in a rented house. that is *not* how it works. she's talking about living on rent like it's some crime. how can a teacher just say that, i'm offended. like who would call their owner for permission to just hammer a nail? yeah, some owners do complain about too many nails and stuff but after its already done. and our owner is a really nice lady and she's literally fine with us doing whatever. she has a lot of property and doesn't really care, so my father just talks to the manager who permits everything... like drilling a hole through the wall. yeah, through, not just into.
anyway anyway i'm so sorry i've been venting so much, you don't need to reply to everything but i just have too many thoughts in my head and need to get it out somewhere. since i cant talk to my parents anymore and i cant share stuff stuff with my school friend, i'm writing here.
i have so much to do. i went to school today by the way. and now i'm exhausted. i wanna sleep. like forever. i'm so done with life.
my eyebrows are getting increasingly harder to cover up with every passing day. my eyelashes are looking weirder and weirder. i've been pulling a lot lately. i dont know what to do anymore.
oh, and our class teacher (who's also our maths teacher) literally emailed my mother at 6:27 am today and i quote what he wrote "One more thing (my name) remains absent since last few days. Please take care her academic should not compromise." wow. just wow.
my mother's been telling me so much stuff today. like why did i have to be born to her and why i didnt find anywhere else to go and had to come to her. i want to d!e. i badly want to d!e. she doesnt want me here. i'm just a burden and am so unwelcome at "home". and i dont have anything to look forward to until 11th jan. today is 11th dec. that's one month. i dunno if i'll ever make it, i'm struggling so much i want to let go. i hate her so much.
anyway, today my friend was telling me that her mother has gone to a different city this week so she's home with her father. and her father does her hair for her because she can't tie two ponytails by herself. and seriously her father does it for her. i never knew fathers can be so caring. so turns out i'm just unlucky, good fathers do exist. like yeah it's funny she cant do her own hair at 15, but it's fine. i personally manage my hair all my myself, from a pretty young age. and i can very well do all kinds of plaits with my hair. but yeah... my father would never do that for me.Â
i'm just wondering, do we get to choose the people that we're born to? why did i ever choose such parents that i can now only sit and hate? or if its not a choice, what did i do to deserve this?
Ok, I am going to try to answer as much of this as I can.Â
Your mom is still tired and angry from being sick herself and took it out on you. There is no reason for you to blame yourself. She was yelling too. Do your best to put the fight to the side rather than focusing on it. You can't control the past anyway.Â
I do believe that your mother probably made that promise of not treating her children as she had been treated as a child to herself. She knows she is doing it to you, but it is easier for her to ignore that fact. But you are now saying the same thing to yourself because trauma makes more trauma. The only way out of the cycle is you. She isn't going to break out of it herself. She doesn't want to work hard enough at it because it is easier to blame everyone but herself.
This is the scary, hard part. But just because she failed does not in any way set you up for failure. This is why it is so critical to start training yourself not to ruminate for long periods of time over the little angry things she throws your way. This is how you don't become her. You figure out how to keep anger from controlling you. You control everything about your own emotions. Nothing that happens to you can you control. But you can control entirely your reaction to what happens.
It is a very slow but sure process. I really believe you can do it. You have already started it by clearly recognizing what is happening and what she is doing. Once you don't get angry or believing what she is saying, she stops controlling you. She is throwing anger at you rather than really saying anything about your value as a person. She frankly has no idea about your value as a person. Should she have this as your mom? Yes, but she doesn't. So you create your own value by devaluing her opinion. It doesn't matter.
You can do a month. You worry about things one day at a time. You will end up stronger than your friend whose dad does her hair for her. You will be independent.Â
School will be better. You do need to get away from your mom. All she is at the moment is toxic. If you are only really worried about one subject at school after missing so much time, you are actually doing pretty well. Give yourself a few days for everything to get sorted out.
Don't worry about venting. It is perfectly fine to do it here.Â
i cant explain how horrible my english teacher made me feel today. like how horrible can teachers get? she was mad about notebook submissions and i went to tell her that i had missed lots of school and my notebook was incomplete and needed some time to do it. she just told me "no you've been present!" wow, i just discovered i have the superpower of being in two places at the same time! i was home laying in bed and also present in school in this teacher's eyes!! yay!!
i repeated that i have missed a week of school and she just yelled at me "where had you been?!" i had to say again that i was sick. she yelled back "well, it's your job to complete your work and submit it on time. i am not going to take it anymore." i just said sorry and said i'll submit it tomorrow. i just wish i could answer her in the language she uses with us when she gets mad at us, lol. of course i wouldn't do it, but i wish i could.Â
the problem just is that she doesn't know me at all, not my name, note the fact that i normally always submit on time, she doesn't even know the efforts i take for her subject and the relatively good marks i've got in it. she thinks i'm one of those students who just fake "i was absent" as a stupid excuse without ever being absent. that's not true, i was very much absent and for valid reasons. i'm okay with her not knowing me and having her doubts and everything, but why talk to me like that?
on one hand she loves to go on how we should be compassionate and understanding to the people around us, on the other hand this is how she herself behaves. honestly, this is so stupid.Â
but yeah, i still have to complete my answers. my mother's been pretty nice and she permitted me to copy from google. the teacher doesn't even read the answers. everyone i know copies. i have my mother's permission to copy this once. i don't need anything else. i've been procrastinating, but just copying shouldn't take very long. it's 10:11 pm but hopefully i'll get it done.
oh, and our chemistry teacher told us today that we'll have a test anytime from tomorrow. like anytime. and we have to get at least 6/10 or our parents will be called. honestly, i don't understand anything of this chapter. and my mother's not being helpful with this at all. i'm terrified. i feel like i hate chemistry now.
bad news: i cant find any satisfactory answers to copy. and i'm a perfectionist. i cannot bear to write answers that feel incomplete to me. so i'll stay up late doing this. i just wish i has started earlier.
we have this lesson where the main character is struggling with depression. the lesson is so weird. it makes me cry. i liked it the first time i read it but the more i read it, the more i feel like "this is not how it works". how can a person go from being depressed to believing that it's a sin to want to d!e, all in one day? also, does unwillingness to live kill person? no it does not. if it did, i wouldn't be alive today. i have no willingness to live. i have suicidal thoughts every day for at least a year now, they never go away. just some days are worse than others. and i'm alive even with no willingness.
Ok, with your English teacher take a step back. Remember to work on your anger with all people. None of what I am going to say here justifies your English teacher yelling at you, but the quicker you can reframe it the less impact it has on you. When people do this to you, imagine they have had a horrible day. Something has gone wrong at home... You happen to be the 3rd person today to request an extension from her... Yes, it is possible that she doesn't know who you are and that it is hard because you actually like the subject material. But my guess is that she is being given WAY too many students to handle and perhaps she is just forgetful. When you frame what happened with her this way then you don't end up blaming yourself or losing your love of English. You allow her to be flawed, not you. Give her that space to make a mistake and move on.Â
I must admit that I find it really endearing (though horrible for your sleep) that you decided the answers you would have copied just weren't good enough. Remember (in terms of your question about depression in the assignment) that literature really exaggerates things sometimes to make a point. It isn't always about real scenarios but using really dramatic ones to talk about wider issues.
I hope that chemistry ends up going okay. A 6/10 is possible sometimes even if you don't understand the material. And if they follow through calling your parents, I would hope (though this might not happen) that your mom would recognize how sick you were and how hard chemistry is for you. It isn't as though it is a subject that you want to study forever anyway. Know you have done the best you can.Â
@bestVase7265 yeah lol the english teacher... she is just... something. so moody and when she gets angry, umm, good luck. i still don't understand what really affects her mood. like what could go wrong at home for her? i wonder who else even lives in her house because she lost her husband 2 years ago and her daughters are married off somewhere else. anyway, whatever messes up her mood, we students are the dustbins who have to endure the behaviour. soft targets we are, aren't we?
what do you mean you find it endearing that i decided the answers weren't good enough? but yeah, right, they do exaggerate a lot of things. it's not nice. also, a lot of the lessons are so focused on success, determination, hard work, blah blah blah. i really don't like them. i like those fun stories and stuff. with this depression related lesson, but i don't like this overnight transformation from depressed to not depressed. i don't think that's possible. and how come they just call it a sin to want to d!e?
oh and about the copying thing, you should know that i did end up blindly copying answers in the end. i couldn't do it any more. it was getting really late, i was hallucinating, my brain wasn't functioning for me to read the lessons and write my own answers. it would take too long, and i just couldn't do that because when it gets so late at night and i'm sleep deprived, i start getting this feeling of someone standing behind me and it's terrifying and i cant focus and stuff when that's happening.
last night i went to bed at 3:15 am. i was awoken at 5:30 am by my mother's alarm because one of my mother's phone was lying on my desk because i needed it to see some of the notes my friend had sent. normally i can sleep through any kinds of noise but that isn't the case anymore. i just haven't been sleeping well. i haven't had a good night's sleep since sunday night. it's not like i stay awake in bed, i sleep but it's so light sleep, the slightest sounds wake me up, and i don't get any real rest. it's so bad and i dunno what to do about it.
anyway, so today morning with this stupid alarm i had no energy to get up to turn it off. so i let it ring and ring and ring so i pretty much didn't sleep after 5:30 am today. then i had to get up before it was even 6 am because the bus has been coming early lately. when i got up, i just broke down crying... and i was so insanely mad at myself. i was going crazy on so little sleep. i was so mad that i did something i probably shouldn't have. banged my head (on my bed, don't worry) but i did it pretty hard and the headache hasn't been fun. anyway yeah, i'm struggling.
i don't understand why i'm unable to sleep well lately but it's making me go mad. i am so exhausted, i cant even explain. i just want to sleep. i'm tired. sleep forever please. i have school tomorrow (ugh second saturday of the month) but i'm too tired i'll skip. by the way i slept all evening today and i'm still sleepy. sleep depression at it's worst, lol. everything feels to dark and dull...
i have a lot to do this weekend. we have a maths test on monday. chemistry test too. i'm more worried about chem than maths because for maths its on statistics which is relatively easy. atoms and molecules are, frankly, nonsense for me. i'm terrified. we also have physics journal submission on monday. this is a lot.Â
Avoid thinking of yourself as a soft target for others. You are a hard wall that the yelling just bounces off of. Remember it's all about your reaction NOT hers (or your mom's).
I am sorry that the English lessons aren't always good ones. It sounds like they are trying to teach a moral code at the same time and that doesn't always work well. Hopefully you will get a funnier story again soon. I will be on the lookout for some that you might enjoy.
It's okay that you ended up copying. You thought about doing something different because you cared. That is what is important. Many students don't do that. I just had to turn in a student a few hours ago to our Academic Honors Council because I think she copied from work she did in another class and turned it in to me as a new essay. I hate it when that happens because then I feel like the student really didn't care about my class.
Keep trying to get some sleep. It will make everything else feel more manageable.
@exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 well yeah, but i'm not just talking about myself, i'm talking about students in general. it's always easy for teachers to get out their anger on students because we cant really do anything about it except let them treat us however they want. in general, i feel it's easier for anyone to take out their anger on children because we're practically powerless. and teachers tend to get out anger more on quieter students. or students like my previous bench partner who's become the target of all kinds of bullying from students and teachers, for reasons i don't understand. but yeah, he's always the one who's punished and scolded even if he didn't do anything. teachers are often just looking for excuses to scold and i guess they find many excuses in him and also can freely tell him whatever because his parents don't come complaining about how he's treated in school. but whatever.
umm and this year's english textbook so far doesn't have any lessons that are funny. some of them are kinda nice, but learning the teacher's interpretation and explanation of it (or lack of explanation) had made most of the nice lessons not-so-nice. the only stuff that i have really liked are a few poems. which is funny because until last year, i always hated poems because they get really hard to understand sometimes. this year's book has some good poems though.
well, everyone i know copies answers for english. all answers are easily available on google. it makes things easy, you know? and the teacher doesn't even read the notebook's contents when she takes them for correction. she just puts tick marks without reading anything. so obviously no one cares. but i just don't like answers that don't make sense. and i have never found a truly satisfactory answer for english lessons online that show my opinions. so i have to write stuff myself. but that night i just had to stop caring so much about how good my answers are and just had to write something to fill up space.
wait, there is actually something you can do if you realise a student copied? that's interesting. our teachers do nothing even if they know we copied. it's an open secret that almost everyone copies. and the teachers are okay with that.
sleep has been hard lately. last night i went to bed at about 1:50 am. i know that's late but i was busy cleaning my room. and also i had just woken up at 9 pm from my nap. anyway, when i tried to sleep at 1:50 am, instead of falling asleep, i feel into a half-asleep state and had a terrible dream. i dunno what it was but it was really strange and very scary. i felt like i was either falling or floating in the air. i felt awake, but it had to be a dream. i was in some kind of a cave or something, rock all around me and i was falling while sometimes being upside down or being flat on my stomach. a literal visual representation of me and my life falling to rock bottom. i felt kind of awake yet i couldn't feel anything around me, not my bed, blanket or pillow, everything seemed gone and i as floating in the air or falling and falling. it terrified me.
i woke up from this nightmare for a little bit, and when i tried to sleep again, the same thing repeated itself. when i woke up from it, i was so utterly terrified that i didn't want to try to sleep again. i just stayed up using my phone for a bit until 3 am when i decided to try to sleep. i did fall asleep but i don't think i slept well. i woke up at 8 am feeling horrible. i don't understand why sleep is such a struggle lately. i just wish i could sleep peacefully for once. i slept this morning after breakfast and it was good but then i had a scary dream about moving to a different house again. it's really rough. i don't know whats wrong with me but i just don't seem to be able to get some good sleep lately.
i am so mad at myself. i've just lazed around all day today. hardly studied at all. it's hard to study with a headache but i'm mad at myself for giving me this headache with what i did last morning. it's 11:08 pm now and i didn't do anything much today. now everything's left for tomorrow. i have no idea how i'll do it but i got so much to do.
It is very good of you to notice that your former bench mate is being mistreated. It is absolutely not right for it to be happening, but you are right that there is little you can do about it. You are just left with trying not to get too angry and being kind to people at other times.
I am glad that your English book at least has some good poems. I can sometimes get into poetry and sometimes not. This past year we had a poet, Safiya Sinclair, come to our school to speak. She was very, very good. You might like her poems if you can find them. She escaped the abuse of her father (physically beating her and constantly demeaning her with very nasty words when she was your age) by becoming a poet. It is really powerful stuff.
I got started just a little late. I will get to the rest of your message tomorrow. @exuberantBlackberry9105
I can imagine that your teachers are okay with a bit of copying. I don't fault you at all for it. You are trying to learn a language rather than critical thinking. My students are trying to learn how to argue their position and think about why they believe certain things. That's why we don't allow copying and must turn them into an honors council if we suspect something.
I am not surprised that sleep is currently a bit of an issue. It is most definitely part of depression and something that I still struggle mightily to control when I get off balance like I have been for the last few months. I am only slowly getting things back in order sleep wise. My medications haven't been working as well so I keep experimenting trying to find something that will help a bit. My latest is drinking just a little really sour cherry juice right before bed. After a week I am beginning to think that it might actually be helping. But that is with the medication, of course. That's the only reason I take medication at all - to make sure that I sleep.
I don't think that you were lazy today. You were sleep deprived. None of it was your fault. Because you have been sick I am guessing that your body needs a bit of time to get back on a better sleep schedule. You can do it. It is just really frustrating until you get yourself there. You are doing the best that you can. @exuberantBlackberry9105
oh our maths teacher has officially gone insane. what he did today was really bad. my mother agrees he did something stupid and that he is mad. i wont forget how fast my heart was beating. and i know a student in my class who will most certainly not forget it. it was complete chaos. he was so angry and screaming like crazy. why? because the whole class but 3 students came 10 minutes late to the classroom and he was supposed to take a test. why were we late? because our sports teachers were irresponsible and they did not inform us when we had to go back to class from marchpast practice. and nobody ever told us that practice was only for 2 periods.
the moment i heard that we have to go up, i ran the fastest i could (i'm horrible at running) to come back to the class and so did most other students, but he wouldn't listen. he made us stand outside the class for 10 more minutes scolding us. my heart was already beating fast from running up the stairs and now yelling and then the maths test. i felt horrible. and you expect me to do maths when i already feel so awful? i'm sorry i cant. i was only able to solve 1 out of 3 questions and that too in questionably legible handwriting (my handwriting is normally very neat and everyone i know agrees on that). the one i solved was a 5 marker so that's good but i just realised i messed up there too.
and i messed up the chemistry test too. i'm just hoping i at least get 6/10. i dunno. i'm scared.
i haven't had wifi at home since i woke up yesterday. at first i was totally fine with it but it's annoying me now. i'm one this home phone now that my mother uses mostly but i need it to copy notes that my friend sent. so logging on cups on incognito mode because i'm addicted to cups and can't live without it. so yeah i'm here. but i cant do my cups work because what i need to post is on the laptop. like i could use mobile hotspot but that's a whole lot of work...
but i have been getting some advantages out of not having wifi. i was really busy with schoolwork yesterday without getting distracted with cups or youtube. this worked because my mood has been more of less good and i'm not feeling that depressed, i'd have gone crazy otherwise. i'm just wondering though, would you say life was better when wifi did not exist? like having it exist and not having or losing access to it is hard, really hard. but when it never existed, was life better? like the internet has so many advantages. so so many. but it has lots of disadvantages too.
oh, and we have sports day tomorrow. i am obviously not participating in anything except marchpast which is kinda compulsory and i cant get out of it because my mother wants me to be in it...
then 3 days of school, then winter break, one day of school after that before exams start on 6th jan. i have so much to do before that. studying, completing notebooks, having my mother explain stuff. and there's also a compulsory project that we have to do an internship in these holidays and write a report on it. what on earth can a 9th grader even do? this is crazy.
and my mother wont be home from 25th to 27th dec. she'll be leaving early morning of 25th and will come home in the afternoon on 27th. i am not looking forward to that time, things are messy with my father lately and i dont wanna have to deal with him all by myself.Â
okay now that's a long post i should stop now.
Sorry that I didn't answer last night. I was reading a historical novel that had a tragic surprise ending and I had to figure out what actually happened. Anyway I am glad that it is done and that my semester grading is done as of tonight (3 days before the final deadline). I still have tons of schoolwork to do, but I can start going at a slightly slower pace as we head into the holidays.
I am sorry for all the stress with your maths teacher and that he didn't understand any explanations. I am sure that you did your best on both your maths and chemistry tests and that is really all that you can do. Your mom also knows how hard you have been trying after being sick and that matters too.
Sorry about the wifi. When ours was gone due to the hurricanes, it was really hard too. You are right about wifi being both a blessing and a curse. Often you can get more done without it, but the speed of the information that you get with it is also life saving. In my opinion, we all need to create balance with it so that we find time away from it as well. I think sometimes we find that our moods are actually better a bit when we can't use it.
I hope that the sports day went okay and that you will figure out a good schedule for the holidays. What kinds of things do people normally do for internships? It would have to be something really short. Maybe you could visit a place that takes care of little kids for the day or do something online where you learn some professional photography tips. Keep it simple.
I have a feeling that it will be easier to get along with your dad if your mom isn't there. The tension between them is pretty strong and he will probably act differently without her around. At least you can hope. I know that there were a few times when your mom was gone last year when your dad wasn't too horrific to be around. @exuberantBlackberry9105
