A place for Vase and Berry
Hi @bestVase7265 This is a place where we can chat with each other. Thank you so much for supporting me, Vase. I'm very grateful and I'm happy to continue our previous conversion here. 😊
you know what? my whole life is a mess. i've missed so much in school these past few days. my friend in school knows i'm sick because on monday evening she messaged asking for notes and i was too sick to send them, so my mother replies saying "(my name) came home with a fever, she will send it to you when she feels better." so my friend has no idea how sick i really am, like it's not just a fever. she's been sending me notes for tuesday, wendesday and today, and just constantly asking "are you coming tomorrow?" it know she's just feeling lonely but it's getting annoying. i'll probably go to school on monday straightaway.
i have so much schoolwork left from months ago, and now i have so much piled up work from these days that i'm missing school. what am i even supposed to do now?
I am so, so sorry that you have been so sick. I am guessing that the low hemoglobin levels are making it even tougher. You will get your strength back, but it is just going to take time.Â
I wasn't in any way blaming you for not eating, by the way. You have never seemed like a picky eater to me. My guess is that because you eat slowly that your mom has been feeding you less than she should. She probably isn't thinking much in terms of you growing and needing more food. That's on her. She will hopefully start to make you more of the food that you need once she is healthy again. But once you are both healthy again, try to grow your general eating capacity a bit. It might help with all of the mental health stuff. I just want to get you more energy and feeling better.
I am sorry that your mom yelled and that she is frustrated because everyone is sick. She probably feels like she is the only one that has to be sick and care for others at the same time. That isn't entirely true, but it is easier for her to feel sorry for herself that way. Her voice may also be higher pitched (and your ears more sensitive) with both of you being sick.
Focus as much as you can on watching videos, etc. to pass the time. The thoughts can get really rough when you are so exhausted. Sending you strength and peace. Don't worry about doing the good moments right now either. That would be really tough while you are sick.
We can focus on you doing the reading once you feel better. Now isn't the time anyway. But you aren't lazy, just sick.
I am sorry that your dad is so anti-doctor. My guess is his own mental health struggles play a role there. It only takes one or two bad experiences when you are younger to get really scared. But he is being self-absorbed.
The easiest thing for you to do is just ignore him though. Getting angry over the fact that he got you sick or isn't visiting is only causing you pain. He isn't feeling anything as a result.
Yes, the holidays are big here and I don't get much of a chance to enjoy them with all of the running around while trying to grade everyone's final papers and exams. Our regular term ends tomorrow and exams are next week. So I will grade until the 23rd and Christmas starts on the 24th. But it is like this every year, so I am learning to lower my expectations a bit and do the best that I can. We got up the tree (no decorations yet) and a bit of stuff outside today. So that is good enough for one day.Â
I may miss writing tomorrow night. My son who has been away in Europe for 3 months is coming home tomorrow.Â
i am done witb this. i said i am done. i hate my life. i hate everything about it. now let me gooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
my mother has been yelling so much. constantly going off about how horrible i am, how i've inherited all my father's bad qualities, telling me that i will end up just like him. when i say constantly, i mean it.
and i threw up my breakfast today. it was horrible. i've been feeling really sick all day. like i dunno how to describe it but kinda nauseous and uncomfy and dizzy. my mother says it's because the doctor has given me meds of dosage that's too high for my weight. the doctor didn't check my weight or anything, just gave meds knowing my age.
Ugh. I am so sorry that the sickness continues and your mother continues to take her frustration out on you. She is totally wrong to be blaming you for anything at this point. You are all too sick.
May you start to feel better soon. It will happen.
I wish I hadn't had to miss last night. It was a rougher night for us because my son's flight got delayed, his luggage came on an even later flight and he left his phone at a different airport.
@exuberantBlackberry9105
i'm really tired of being sick. it's boring. it's painful. it's tiring.
last night i could hardly sleep because of stomach pain and around 4:45 am or something it got so bad that i had to call my mother. she gave me period cramp meds (yes, that annoying period also had to come now) though i doubt if it was really periord cramps or side effects of meds.
anyway, so even today i dont feel well, i might not go to school tomorrow. i've fallen behind at school so badly. what am i supposed to do now?
today is what, 8th december? yeah, right. i have exams starting on 6th january. unit test-2 from 6-10th jan. and i'm so behind with everything. all my notebooks are incomplete. all my lessons are un-understood and unread by me at home. and i'm not talking about 1 subject. i'm talking about 5, and in reality, 10.
how am i ever gonna catch up? where do i even start?
then we have final exams in march. for that, we'll have to study everything we have learnt from april 2024. that's a lot. 9th grade absolutely sucks.
oh and 10th grade is gonna be a lot shorter than the usual school year. it'll start in april and all the teaching will be over by november end. then one set of exams in december, another in january, and then board exams in february/march.
i'm terrified about the next 1.5 years of my life. how will i get through it if i'm always so lazy? i need to get up and study, you know. but i dont even know how to study anymore. the internet has made me forget how to study.
You are going to slowly rebuild your strength. Give yourself a little space to do that. You starting to feel a little better is a step in the right direction. Focus on that good step.
You will be up and about more soon. So now you can start doing some of the studying. Don't look down at the pile or what will happen once you go back to school. Focus on what you can do right now. Thinking about the next year and a half is way too much. You can only actually do anything in the present.
You said "the internet has made me lazy." So turn the internet off for longer intervals. Starting to do minimal amounts of school work now will help you feel a little better about it. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 let's hope i can get some stuff done today. i also have to clean up my room and stuff you know.Â
Of course, but you are going to start getting there. The first few days after being ill are challenging in terms of emotions and energy level. But you can do this. I am here to cheer you on. @exuberantBlackberry9105
Sorry you actually said "the internet has made me forget how to study". I didn't go back and look completely at the old message. But what I would say remains the same - start turning it off if it makes you forget. @exuberantBlackberry9105
how come everything's always my fault? i'm tired of this. all arguments are somehow always my fault. it hurts. it hurts so much. i don't know how much longer i can bear this pain. i don't want to be anymore i'm tired of always messing up and being the one to cause all sorts of problems. i'm tired of being this problematic burden.
i couldn't sleep well last night and when my mother came to wake me up today, i was already awake and trying to sleep. she was so... weird and messed up my mood. then she's just repeatedly doing all the things i don't like her doing. i tired ignoring it and managing my irritation, but then the maid came and my mother came calling for me *very* loudly. and... i just snapped. "whaaat?" i screamed and i guess it was too rude so she came about to slap me and made me say sorry. so i did and she went away.
later on, she's yelling from the kitchen to ask if i've taken my water. some time after that, came to talk to me about "why" i do this every morning and telling me that i have no self control and blah blah blah. after the maid left, she's going on about how arguments every morning are the reason the maid isn't doing her job well. arguments because of me and my father and how maids take advantage of any family that has too many arguments. she's mad at me for not controlling myself in front of the maid at least. i feel horrible. it was my fault today that all that happened. like it's hers too but she's blaming it on me and it hurts.
it's 11:27 am and i couldn't get myself to start any schoolwork yet because i feel so bad. been trying to watch youtube to feel better. something i found made me cry so that helped a bit. but no homework done yet. i'm supposed to go shower right now. i guess after that i might do something.
i feel sleepy though. i went to bed pretty late last night and the one before. that's causing trouble because i had been sleeping a lot last week. if you're sleeping for 7.5-9 hours every day and one day you get 6 hours, it's hard because your body isn't used to it. if you've been sleeping 5-7.5 hours every day and then one day you sleep 6, you'll be just fine because your body is used to it. that's a tired and tested fact, for my body at least. well proved in april of this year.
when my mother was treated badly by her mother, at some point in her life, (before she became a mother, of course) she apparently "promised to myself that I would never do such thing to my children".
could she keep the promise? on some level, i think yes. i mean, she doesn't physically hurt me much, unlike her mother. but she really couldn't get the emotional thing right. she did fail there. she couldn't become a mother who made her child feel loved and cared for. i understand why she failed – clearly she became a mother under less than ideal circumstances and it was hard for her. but that doesn't change the fact that she failed. she did, in a way, fail to break the generational cycle of abuse.
now, i'm here as just a little kid, telling myself that i will never do to any other child in the world, what has been done to me. but what tells me that i wont fail too? what if i fail to break the cycle? what if i end up living to make another child miserable? if my mother failed, i could too, couldnt i? what if i do?
also, i was just thinking... when i was younger, my mother would shout at me and slap me sometimes, but after she calmed down, she'd always come to me to hug me and tell me that it's not really my fault but my father's. that she had been upset because of him and accidentally punished me for something trivial just because i kinda trigerred it, but that's not my fault, she would tell me. she'd comfort me when i'd start crying and tell me that she didn't mean to hurt me. none of that is the case now. it's always my fault. i don't hear a sorry, don't get a comforting hug, don't hear that she didn't mean to hurt me. does that mean she means to hurt me now?
oh, and i'm going back to school tomorrow. i am terrified. going to school after being absent for 6 days. the last time i went was 2nd december. and the last time i saw my friend was 29th November because she was absent on 2nd december. i'm so scared. i don't really want to go. but i'm tired of being home and the drama in here. my mother's tired of me too and wants a break. so i'll have to go. i'm so scared.
I got started a little too late tonight to look at this, but it will be first on my agenda for tomorrow night.
I am giving an exam tomorrow to my class and realized at the last minute that I forgot to print up the copies of the exam for them to see the questions. Sigh. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 it's alright, i understand.
right now i'm just really going crazy over chemistry. like all other subjects, i at least know what all i have to do. i know how to do it. i might not understand everything just yet, but i know i'll understand it and get it sorted at some point. yeah, even for maths i understand because we're doing statistics and i like statistics, like it's pretty easy. english, yeah it's a lot but i know what is to be done. i'm pretty lost with physics but i'll leave a few pages and just try to understand what's going on right now and do the old work later. i can kinda be relaxed about it because we don't have any physics test or anything coming up. for biology, history, and political science, i can just manage somehow and we don't have notebook submissions soon. so it'll be fine. for geography and economics, i don't have any written work to do so i'm good.Â
chemistry is the one subject that's really stressing me out. i don't understand anything at all, we have to write q&a in the notebook and a test already happened while i was absent and i might have to give it later. my notebook is really incomplete. there's a lot of stuff to memorise in this chapter and i have no idea how to. i really hate this chemistry. like we have 4 chapters in chemistry this year and the first two were a piece of cake literally. okay, chapter 2 was kinda hard but ch 1 was so easy. and ch 3 is some other worldly nonsensical science. i hate it.
oh and i've just been thinking of how crazy our economics teacher is. she was talking about how in a rented house, if you want to hammer a nail into the wall, you gotta call the owner for permission and they'll say no so you'll just have to keep the calendar on a table and how you cant do anything at all in a rented house. that is *not* how it works. she's talking about living on rent like it's some crime. how can a teacher just say that, i'm offended. like who would call their owner for permission to just hammer a nail? yeah, some owners do complain about too many nails and stuff but after its already done. and our owner is a really nice lady and she's literally fine with us doing whatever. she has a lot of property and doesn't really care, so my father just talks to the manager who permits everything... like drilling a hole through the wall. yeah, through, not just into.
anyway anyway i'm so sorry i've been venting so much, you don't need to reply to everything but i just have too many thoughts in my head and need to get it out somewhere. since i cant talk to my parents anymore and i cant share stuff stuff with my school friend, i'm writing here.
i have so much to do. i went to school today by the way. and now i'm exhausted. i wanna sleep. like forever. i'm so done with life.
my eyebrows are getting increasingly harder to cover up with every passing day. my eyelashes are looking weirder and weirder. i've been pulling a lot lately. i dont know what to do anymore.
oh, and our class teacher (who's also our maths teacher) literally emailed my mother at 6:27 am today and i quote what he wrote "One more thing (my name) remains absent since last few days. Please take care her academic should not compromise." wow. just wow.
my mother's been telling me so much stuff today. like why did i have to be born to her and why i didnt find anywhere else to go and had to come to her. i want to d!e. i badly want to d!e. she doesnt want me here. i'm just a burden and am so unwelcome at "home". and i dont have anything to look forward to until 11th jan. today is 11th dec. that's one month. i dunno if i'll ever make it, i'm struggling so much i want to let go. i hate her so much.
anyway, today my friend was telling me that her mother has gone to a different city this week so she's home with her father. and her father does her hair for her because she can't tie two ponytails by herself. and seriously her father does it for her. i never knew fathers can be so caring. so turns out i'm just unlucky, good fathers do exist. like yeah it's funny she cant do her own hair at 15, but it's fine. i personally manage my hair all my myself, from a pretty young age. and i can very well do all kinds of plaits with my hair. but yeah... my father would never do that for me.Â
i'm just wondering, do we get to choose the people that we're born to? why did i ever choose such parents that i can now only sit and hate? or if its not a choice, what did i do to deserve this?