A place for Vase and Berry

You aren't alone. I know that it feels that way. I am sending strength across the oceans. Don't look at the giant pile. Don't pay attention to your parents' emotions. They are irrelevant. Your parents' words and actions can only hurt if you make a decision that they will hurt you or that you will be angered by them. Lots of deep breathing when you get angry. 

Focus just on the academic work and the fact that you can do it in little parts. Remember that you are strong and not lazy or weak because you are surviving despite your brain telling you otherwise. 

Focus on writing in that good stuff. Focus on the nice shampoo or a friendly remark at school. One day at a time. 

Ok, I will do my best to answer both your messages here, but if I run out of time I will stop in the middle.

I can understand your frustration over staying up late to finish something that wasn't due. That is tough. But work convincing your brain to flip it to something like "At least I don't have to worry about doing it later. I am caught up on something for at least a day." 

I know flipping big stuff that is really bothersome is extra, extra hard. So focus on training your brain for the little stuff like the physics assignment. Trust me, it helps.

You ask how I can talk to you with so much crap going on in my own life. It is the mental training that I am talking about. You do some of it in that other feed. It is all a skill you grow really slowly. It has taken me years.

Singing is one of my coping mechanisms. I can't meditate well either but I can breathe with other people. It helps me focus away from my pain. I am a high soprano and have sung since I was about 12. 

If you want I can share more of the bad stuff that I deal with to show you that you aren't alone in having rough things happen daily. But I don't usually focus on them enough to need to write them down. 

Yes, I can get 5 minutes of peace but that is also a mental skill I have worked hard to develop. Part of it is recognizing that it happened. Actually that might be the hardest part. My brain instantly attaches itself to the time before or after that was bad. I have to tell myself - hey that was okay for those passing moments and those moments matter. Then I begin to grow those moments into longer moments. For instance, I was feeling pretty awful about my workload for the weekend (and being frustrated with my sons for planning a possible trip without us after turning down a trip with us) when I started my walk tonight with my husband. But I forced myself to see the moon on the water as we walked and talked. When I got home things weren't perfect as I returned to planning out food shopping, but the walk made me feel briefly better. So I acknowledged that. Thus tonight I am a bit better than a few hours ago.

I know that I wrote on Monday was painful. It was an effort to put you back in control. That is always hard and it does cause tears. I am not trying to ever cause you pain. I just want to make you more resilient. 

Your mom can say all of that stuff that you listed and still love you. She is a very flawed human being who was hurt deeply in childhood. It means that she doesn't know how to say things that are loving very well at all. But love is different than just mean words or kind words. It is also actions which she thinks she is doing okay. She doesn't physically attack you like she was physically attacked. She offers you food and helps you with homework. Is that all love is? Absolutely not. You deserve lots of kind words and thoughts too. But she can't figure out how to give them. That is how flawed she is.

Okay, I will answer the final bit tomorrow. 

Ok, I am going to try to finish the old message before looking at the more recent one. 

I need you try to imagine something for me that is a little tough. Your mom grows and changes each day in the same way that you do. Yes, she has a horrible past (and you do too) but each day is a new one where both of you can make different decisions than the day before. When you focus just on the past you get stuck. 

See if you can avoid saying the word "always" with your mom. She can change and she does change. For instance, you caught her looking up the words "self harm" on her computer. She has some awareness of what is going on that she didn't have last year at this time. Does she always change in good ways? Of course not. She can get worse too. But she will become less hateful in your eyes (and you will be in less pain - this is always my goal) if you grant her some opportunities to at least try to grow.

What happened with the birthday card is a prime instance of you not giving her a chance of doing any better. We all get disappointed sometimes. I have been very disappointed with my sons lately for considering planning a trip without me after rejecting a family trip that I had planned. They made a mistake where they weren't thinking. Should I then say "no more trips" or cut them off for a while? Absolutely not. Then not only do we grow farther apart but my own life gets fewer trips. So I forgive, give them a hint that I was a bit hurt, and then move forward.

If you had told your mom that you were disappointed by her not following through on the card or just let her try to make another one and hope that it might be better when you were 14, you probably would have been happier. Your mom would have been happier too. My guess is that she actually liked making the card and was hurt when you didn't ask for one. She just didn't want to admit that to you. You have no proof that she was "relieved". You just confirmed what was in your own head rather than looking for other possibilities. 

Again, I only got through about a paragraph of yours before I need to stop for tonight.

I will try to finish again tomorrow. 

i think i need to vent but i dont know what to say anymore. today morning when i woke up i felt quite good even with 6 hrs of sleep. i went to the bathroom to do my things, and while i was in there my mother asked me to hurry up. then when i came out into my room and was in here with the door closed but not locked, she opened up the door to tell me to hurry up. that annoyed me and apparently i didn't reply in a good tone and she says i showed her my anger. 

so she just came right in my room and yelled at me so much. then she asked me to go drink my water and hurry up. i mean, it's sunday morning, why all this hurry? why cant i just do things the way i want and go slow? at first i was just annoyed but now i was very angry and extremely hurt.

anyway, after a little while, i forgot the anger and was trying and dealing with the pain. then she came in again to scold me and threaten me. "what happens to you in the morning? why are you always so angry first thing in the morning? you are not doing what i taught you to do at night. you are not doing EFT." whatever on earth her eft is, i dont even know what it stands for and i dunno how it's supposed to work, of course i'm not doing it. i will never do it if my mother asks me like that to do it because she makes me develop hatred towards it. but i lied and said that i am doing it.

the she said "then you're not doing it properly. you cant just do something for the sake of it, you need to do it properly for it to work. and if you were to do it properly, you wouldn't wake up in such anger. you are going to sleep in such anger and waking up in it. you either fix your anger or i go away. you have to choose either one. i cant take your anger like this every morning."

i would honestly choose the latter. i think anger and irritability is a symptom of depression, so i cant really do much about it. i mean, i can try to push it away and still talk very nicely and sweetly so that my mother doesnt hate me. but you know how tiring that is? i am already tired. i cant do it.

if my mother would leave me and just go, i know she has nowher to really go and survive so she'll have to d!e for it, and that would mean i'm alone with complete freedom to k!ll myself. i cant live without her but really, i neithet need nor want to live. so that would be perfect. but i know she's just threatening me. she wont really go.

right now i can hear her crying in the kitchen about how horrible a person i am, just like my father. and how i cause her so much pain. everything would be so much better when i d!e.

a little while ago when i thought things had calmed down i asked her with help for my maths project and she's telling me "you're asking me now at the last moment? you couldn't tell me yesterday or the day before? today is sunday and now i will only come if i have time. you expect me to remember all this? it would be possible if i didn't need permission to enter your room. like this, dont expect me to remember." why did she even need to say all that? as if she even asks for permission to enter. she just calls my name and enters, i don't get to say no. and the thing is, i actually forgot about the maths project myself i remebered it last night at 2 am. and submission is on 25th so i have time so i dont see a big problem that i forgot. what the heck is wrong with her?

oh and my anger had mostly gone away now and that *** just stormed into my room without a word. i heard her angry footsteps so i knew she was coming, but yeah. i am angry now again. i had forgotten it and she reminded me. she herself is still angry. my own anger has calmed down but hers hasnt and she keeps reminding me again and again.

Ok, I am determined to finish that earlier message first tonight. Then I will go and do other people and if I have time I will come back to look at your other messages.

First, your mom may not be a hugger especially if she was physically abused as a child. For her physical touch may remind her of her own abuse.

I know what I am suggesting is scary and you risk getting hurt. I can make absolutely no promises that either of your parents will react well. I wish that I could because that is what you deserve. But they are flawed and damaged. You are the one who can break that pattern. Keep remembering that you are the one who decides how their words will impact you.

Yes, your dad suggesting that only your mom loved you was extremely harsh. That is very hurtful. But your dad suffers mental illness of his own. It doesn't excuse it but it may explain it. My guess is that is was some ill-fated attempt to protect your mom's feelings from your anger. He wasn't thinking about his own feelings at all. 

Whichever of your parents taught you anger (it can just as easily be both), your messages here don't really show you calming down quickly. Instead I watch from the outside as your anger turns on yourself. That's what is hardest. You become angry at the beautiful person that you are. You listen to their words of anger, get frustrated, and actually believe them. Words spoken in anger are almost always complete lies. They are designed to just hurt the other person. It means that the angry person has forgotten temporarily how to love. It doesn't mean that they don't love.

I know how hard it is to show the real you. But the real you is more than just your depression and mental illness. Let's keep working on figuring out how to show them that.

Ok, I have come to the end of that original message. If I have time I will come back to answer your two most recent things. If not, I will try to get to them both tomorrow. 

my mother has calmed down a bit today but she's still mad at me for talking to her rudely. she says me yelling last morning ruined her entire day and that it was totally unacceptable behaviour because i was angry for no reason.

she might be right that i have no real reason to be angry, but then i'm struggling so much, hurting so much, have so much going on in my head... i cant always control my behaviour on top of all this. i'm tired. i'm so tired.

and my mother just sarcastically called me a good daughter. it hurts. it hurts so much. when will i finally get the gift of death or do i need to give that gift to myself?

i'm tired of everything. i'm tired of trying to feel better. of trying to do my homework. of trying to live. i cant do this anymore.

i hate maths i just hate it, why does maths even exist?

i'm looking over your messages from yesterday and saying a bit i guess. i probably wont be responding in a proper or organised way, my mind is a mess and i have a horrible headache right now.

oh so time is flying for you to. how're you managing? how do you make life slow down a bit? my sense of time right now... i don't even know. like 2 months ago was 20th september and i had my half yearly exams going on, it was the night before my science exam i remember. it does feel far away but not exactly 2 months away. 2 months from today will be 20th january 2025. i will have finished my winter holidays by then, will have given my unit tests by then and will have celebrated my birthday by then. at it all feels so far away. like 2 whole months. and october and november so far has just flown away. where did it even go? november just started yesterday lol. 

"She is taking a single response from you (and a fairly minor one first thing in the morning when many people are a little grumpy) and then rehashing it over and over again. That is not on you. I guess my only response might be (after it had gone on a while) would be a question - who has yelled more and gotten more upset this morning - me or you? Otherwise you stay as calm as you can." yeah i don't get why she had to get that mad over a little thing i said. i guess i need to start thinking thrice before i say something. not sure what you meant by the question thing though.

"Just try to stay out of her way when she gets like that. I'd even try to do the math on your own and risk a bad grade so you don't have to deal with her when she is angry." i try but i cant really always stay out of her way. and i cant do maths on my own. like either i need her or i need google, especially with the awful stuff we're learning in maths right now. and if i ask her to not come to teach me, she will get even madder and yell more that i'm not taking my studies seriously. then look at my exam marks and blah blah blah... it's better that i let her teach me in the anger, and silently listen to the shouting and try to be as nice as i can even when she's not nice. then when she's gone i can try to deal with the pain and hurt in whatever ways i can.

oh and your message from sunday. my mother grows and changes every day? no way. she doesn't truly ever change her behaviour it's just a pattern. and no, my mother never looked up self harm on her computer. it just came up on her home page or something and she watched it. she doesn't have a computer by the way. like this laptop i'm using is technically hers too but it stays with me in my room. though my she almost has three phones lol. one of them is like 4 years old but the other two are fully functioning.

i don't think i need to give her any opportunities to try. she can find them and figure it out if she really wants. i don't think the birthday card thing was about me not giving her a chance. i just thought she would know it after 3 years of me telling her. and i never told her not to make anything. i just didn't tell her i like cards for the fourth time. she could have still made one if she wanted to. but she didn't want to, because if she did, she'd have found time for it. surely me not asking for one couldn't have hurt her. no way.

you say maybe my mother doesn't like hugs. but she used to like them when i was younger. so it was fine before but you mean to say it reminds her of her own abuse now? like she used to hug me a lot when i was little, she would carry me in her arms every morning. when i was younger, we sometimes slept hugging each other. that one is obviously not possible now, we sleep in separate rooms. and i absolutely do not expect her to pick me up in her arms, like she's getting older and i'm not as lightweight as i used to be. 38 kgs is light but not that light so i don't expect it from her. but she can still hug, right? what changed?

oh my father that day didn't just tell me that only my mother loves me. he told me that no one else but her will ever love me. yeah his mental illness and rude, threatening nature can explain it. and no, it was not at all some ill fated attempt to protect her feelings from my anger. it was my father trying to imply that my mother pampers me too much, and how it shouldn't be that way and how i don't deserve the times when she treats me well. my father loves to put things in a twisted way but i've gotten to know him really well while little, and i know what he really means.

"your messages here don't really show you calming down quickly. Instead I watch from the outside as your anger turns on yourself." actually... you're right. i only realised it now. i calm down from the anger towards others but turn in inwards. meaning i can be nice to the person i was angry at because i seemingly calmed down quickly and i want to be nice to that person and not hurt them more, but i'm still mad at myself and hurting myself.

my parents don't need to see the real me. i'm better off pretending. i don't like them finding out things about me and knowing my secrets. being mysterious to them, and also my teachers, classmates, school friend, etc is good... comforting, almost.

"The level of "respect" she is asking of you is unreasonable." are yu sure? like i know it kinda is, like if she wants me to talk to her well, why doesn't she talk to me well? she should speak properly if she wants me to do the same. but that's not how it is. i dunno if it's just about my culture but yeah, adults can talk to children however they want to but children always have to treat adults well and give them respect, and always listen to adults.

my mother was telling me today that i should at least talk to her well in front of the maid or my father. i gotta do it in front of the maid because she spreads around stories and apparently maids take advantage of families with internal family issues. and i need to talk well in front of my father because if i treat her badly in front of him, he will use it to treat her even worse. so if i need to be so careful all the time, why don't i just stop talking permanently?

i cant stay strong anymore i'm too tired and weak for it. "You can rationally say (not out loud) that she is a raving lunatic and that whatever she says about you is wrong." hmm sure though.

"What would bring you peace? Continuing to try to walk away." no. only dying will being me peace. "i just need peace and i can't find it in this world anymore" – random youtube video i watched two days ago.

oh no, things seem pretty bad for you. wake up at 4? like because you cant sleep? sorry about the headaches. they really suck. 

i don't this this type of me. i want to be the old me again. i want to be a baby again.

okay okay it's my school friend and you who will miss me. i'm not sure who else. the others i know on cups have all been pretty busy lately, we haven't talked much and the connection feels lost. they might miss me, but surely not that much.

and... i wrote so much again. no need to read or reply unless you want to. and if you do want to, please take your time.