A place for Vase and Berry
Hi @bestVase7265 This is a place where we can chat with each other. Thank you so much for supporting me, Vase. I'm very grateful and I'm happy to continue our previous conversion here. 😊
words can't explain how horrible i've been feeling. nothing seems to go the way i want it to. i hate my life i hate living i'm so fed up of living. i can't wait to die. i'm so done with this life. nobody even needs me here. everyone will be fine when i'm gone. and i will go soon. i cant take it anymore. i'm done with trying to feel better i'm done with trying to get things done and i'm done with trying to look okay and look like a normal person with a normal life. it's not working anymore. i can't do this anymore, i just can't. it hurts so much. it hurts. it hurts.
today i woke up feeling so horrible and in so much emotional pain that after breakfast, i asked my mother if i could sleep for a bit. i told her that i'm not feeling well and need to sleep. she's like "you didn't go to sleep too late last night, why do you need to sleep now? what's wrong with your body?" but she gave me permission to sleep. but i felt so horrible, especially with what she said that i just couldn't sleep and used my phone instead. eventually i fell asleep and in just about half an hour, it was 11:50 am and time for me to wake up again. she woke me up and asked me to go shower. but i didn't feel like it so i closed the door, got the laptop and watched some youtube to try to feel better. and it worked.
i got up and did everything, i got up, i did everything, showered, had lunch, tidied my room, went to the balcony and took some pictures, got started with homework at 5:15 pm. it helped, i was feeling good. then she came to teach me some stuff and she came earlier than expected so i got kinda annoyed and to try to calm down, i took my water bottle and went to the kitchen to fill it even though it had some water. i just needed some time. and then she told me "you're just wasting all your time". then i felt horrible again. yeah i am wasting time and i know it. i don't need to hear it.
anyway i guess i forgot about it and it was fine. but it's not anymore. right now just after dinner, i was filling my empty water bottle and the jug i was filling it from got empty. i'm supposed to fill the jug from the water filter when it gets empty and i asked my mother if i need to do it now. she said i can't do it right now. then saw that my bottle's full but the jug just is empty. she said "that's enough water for tonight, you don't need any more. i said "i do need more water, am i supposed to drink tap water?" she said "yes, why not? even after doing everything, you're still getting sick, so what difference would it make if you drank tap water?" yeah, right. it wouldn't make a difference. i will drink tap water if i run out of drinking water in my bottle now.
yes, materially, i have everything i need to be happy and healthy, but i don't have what i think is the most important thing i need from her. i need her to make me feel loved and cared for. i need her to make me feel like she would miss me if i'm gone. if she did that, my "sickness" would get so much better. because i'm not really physically sick, i'm just in unbearable emotional pain. my mother doesn't know or understand that. if she did, she'd have understood that i lied when i said i feel "sick".
by the way, during lunch, my mother was constantly asking me what's happening, like where exactly it hurts and stuff. "do you have a cold? does your throat hurt? does your stomach hurt? does you head hurt? do you feel feverish?" that kinda stuff. my response? "i don't know, i just don't feel well" because the truth is, none of those hurt. my mind hurts and it makes my whole body hurt.
anyway right now it's 10:35 pm and just a little bit ago, i was crying a lot and apparently i cried so loudly that my father heard me. he came in my room asking what happened and i yelled "nothing, go away!" and he's like "did your mother scold you or something?" i just said "no, nothing". he went away but of course he reported that to my mother. "she is crying loudly". then my mother came in, asking what happened. "i didn't scold you, then what happened?" the thing is, she didn't scold me, but what she said hurts like crazy. anyway, "what happened? why're you crying? is it because you have lots to do?" i just got up and pushed her out of my room. she came in again but i did it again and she said i can come to her if i want. sure i can, but why will i when i know she don't understand?
please help me and tell me how i can really make everything look okay outside and make my life look normal? i don't want to be so dramatic. i want to look okay, even if i'm not. how do i do that? i don't want to need to nap in the mornings and be doing nothing because it hurts. i don't want my parents to know anything. because when they don't understand, what will they do knowing anything? they'll just be ruder and hurt me more. but one thing's for sure, i will never ever ask for permission to nap in the mornings again. it's a very bad idea and gets me in trouble. i can stay awake and try to make the feeling go away with youtube.
it's 6:36 am and i woke up at 6. less than 4 hrs of sleep. last night i prayed so much that i hope i never wake up again but i still did. and today i feel genuinely physically sick. my stomach hurts and my legs hurt and my head hurts. i feel so bad. i'll still go to school though.
I know I have important messages from you here. I am going to need to wait 24 more hours to really look at them though. I apologize but the election results after so much trauma have me weeping too regularly to answer other people's pain well. I will try tomorrow night. I promise. Please hang in there.
@bestVase7265 *sending tight hugs* dont worry about needing time, it's alright and i understand. i really appreciate you coming on to say something. if you need time to respond, that's completely okay. if you can't respond, that's okay too because i've been a lot better today as compared to yesterday (though i felt horrible in the morning), even if i'm not particularly great. but of course, those days inevitably come and hearing what you have to say about yesterday might help me through the next such day. but if you cant do it, it's okay too. thanks for being here. ❤️
just one thing about today: my mother told me that she can see i'm pulling again and made me promise that i won't do it again. i had no choice but to say yes to it, but i know it's a promise i can't keep. i can try to pull less but i cant just stop like that. it's not so easy. so what do i do?
and random question, do you have any favourite colours or colour preferences? anything you like more than others?
I am going to try to do these messages and then go to the ones on the other page. I am glad that you want to use my birthday as your next marking point, but please don't do anything immediately afterwards either. That would make me feel horrible.
I am sorry for the nightmares and lack of motivation. I think school will probably help you get back on track at least a little. Being home so much is hard because it gives you so much time to think.
@bestVase7265 i dont want to make you feel horrible but i also don't know how much longer than that i'll be able to stay. after all, i don't think anyone more than you and one other person on cups will feel bad if i go.
yeah being home for so many days in a row is pretty hard.
Having just a few people that you feel care is enough. You will get more. Again, knowing that my birthday might also be a death day or close to a death day is pretty horrific for me. Please keep trying for the sake of people who do care about you. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 i will try. but can i ask why you care about me? i'm just a random stranger, i have never helped you in any way, i've been rude to you so many time, i keep giving you so much to read, you always try to help me but i never help you back, the list never ends. so why do you even care? how would it change anything for you if i was gone?
You aren't a random stranger after so long talking. I feel like I know you and I believe that you can find a way out. To know that I hadn't helped would hurt.
It doesn't make much difference to me if you get angry or say things roughly occasionally. I do too. None of us are perfect. Forgiving ourselves and one another are keys to survival.
Helping you helps me. It reformats things in my own brain so I can see the world more brightly. I believe my job here on earth is to help others find hope, inspiration, and empathy. Sometimes there doesn't feel like there is enough of those and we get tired. But trying again to reach out leads out of darkness. Every human being on earth deserves light rather than darkness. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 you're right... we've talked for over a year and even you arent a random stranger to me anymore. i know about you a little, i care about you and i can call you a friend.
So keep sticking around for a while, okay? Things will get better as you get older, I promise. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 fine, but i dont think it'll ever get better. it wont. at least not until 1.5 years from now. that's too long and i cant live through it. i'm sorry.
You have already made it over a year of us talking. It is one day at a time. You are doing it in spite of yourself. That's where your grit and bravery impress me. @exuberantBlackberry9105
Ok, I am going to try to answer some of this from the second page, but my note may be a little shorter than usual. I am still working on things and will be for a while.
I am sorry that your mom is making you feel so bad. I know that you don't see it this way, but I think she is trying. She knows you are in pain and she is trying to keep her anger in check. She saw the eyebrow pulling. She may be asking what hurts physically but she knows where you are really hurting is emotionally. She considers stuff like the water comments to just be side issues rather than her making commentary on how much she cares. She doesn't realize that your brain is doing that to you. She can tell you are depressed and that you are clearly self-harming, but she doesn't understand the solution.
The fact that she is starting to see things is a move in the right direction. You could consider helping her to see. If she is blind to your pain, her mind isn't going to open without your help. I am not talking something massive here. I am talking a single sentence, "I need to know that you love me by you saying it out loud sometimes." She really thinks that this is obvious. She is coming often to help you with your homework. She checks on you after she finds you crying. That is all she can think of to do. She sees love in terms of actions rather than words. You just need to show her that words are important too.
You can do this. She can't hurt you any more than you have already been hurt.
I hope that school goes well or at least puts you in a different location so your brain can focus on different things.
I actually don't have any favorite colors, numbers, shapes, or ice cream flavors. Most people find me weird that way...
@bestVase7265 i really dont think she is trying. no she is not. no way. she sees me as just being rude and behaving strangely. she cannot tell that i'm depressed and she does not know that i'm hurting emotionally. if she was smarter, she should have understood by now but she's not that smart in this context. she is smart at maths and science stuff, not at understanding how other's are feeling and understanding what others are going through or putting herself in another person's shoes.
you want me to tell my mother "I need to know that you love me by you saying it out loud sometimes."?? i would never say that. if she says it after i tell her to, i'll just take it as she not loving me but claiming to because i asked her to say it. that wouldn't help. also, i don't want her to just say that she loves me, i need her to make me feel loved. that's two different things and the latter can only happen with action.
she checking on me when she found me crying, she asking me how i am, she can hate me and still to that because she feels she's supposed to do it. and all she did when she found me crying was asking me why i'm crying. did she try to comfort me? no. did she try to talk to me nicely? no. would she really have tried to listen and understand if i told her why i'm crying? no way. when i pushed her away, she just got annoyed and left. did she try to understand how i really feel or why i'm actuving the way i am? no. when she asks how i am, would she really ever listen if i told her how i really am? no, she's just asking about my physical health.
"She sees love in terms of actions rather than words." i see it like that too. i want her to make me feel loved and cared for, not just tell me that she loves me and have her continue to hurt me and make me miserable. "You just need to show her that words are important too." i will never be able to show her that. it's not mainly about how important words are, it's about how much words can hurt. she as a child was abused physically and emotionally. she didn't do the physical part to me because she was more hurt by the physical part, or at least she believed that hurt more. she doesn't understand how much words can really hurt too. and even if she does to some extent, she cant control herself. she'll say she was just angry and wouldn't have said it all if i didn't do whatever i did to make her yell and say all her stuff.
umm yeah i've been fine in terms of thoughts when i'm in school like i'm a lot busier in there and my friend has been nice these to days so we talk and the thoughts don't come too much. i don't feel good in school, just the thoughts arent there. they come when i'm at home.
I am pretty tired and fragile right now myself, so I am going to be much blunter than usual.
You are pushing your mom away on purpose and never giving her a chance to do any better. Your brain is lying to you that she doesn't love you because she doesn't show love the way that you want love to be given. But you never tell her what you want. Thus she can't give you the love that you want because you have made a decision to set her up for failure.
This is actually on you and not on her. You have to be brave and take a chance to tell her what you need.
Yes it could fail. Your mom will make lots of mistakes in continuing to misunderstand you sometimes. Those mistakes will be painful. But it cannot be worse than what you have now with your brain lying to you. The tension is destroying you from the inside.
As an outsider, I can see that your mom and dad both actually want to help. She is looking up things like depression online. She knows how mentally ill your father is. She KNOWS you are too but she has trouble admitting that to herself. She KNOWS words can hurt because she got hurt by them too. She KNOWS her words hurt you but due to her own abuse she has deep trouble controlling her anger (you have picked up that trait). That is not to say what she has said in the past is okay. But you never give her the opportunity to see the real you. Your parents have no idea how to help until YOU tell them.
You have said multiple times that you push your mom away. That is what needs to change in order for you to have a chance to get better and feel better about yourself.
@exuberantBlackberry9105
these lessons we have for english, so many of them are stories of famous peoples' lives. it's always all about by determined and hardworking they were, their desire to succeed etc etc. most importantly, being "mentally though" that term is sprinkled everywhere, literally. being strong, resident, not giving up, not letting adverse experiences depress them, all of that whatever whatever.
do "mentally weak", emotional, sensitive, undetermined, lazy people like me even have anything to do in this world? those of us who cant just be strong and get through everything without being sad etc, not caring what others think or say? are these kinds of people never gonna be able to do anything in life? what about those of us who don't have any real goals in life? like i have none, so... i dunno i feel horrible. everyone i know is aiming for something. i'm aiming to d!e as soon as i can. i've only ever heard of one person who grew with not aiming for anything because they didn't believe they would ever make it to being an adult, it was some video on youtube about a suicide survivor talking.
honestly, i don't understand why we have so many success stories from people's lives in our english textbook this year. evelyn glennie, bismillah khan, albert einstein, apj abdul kalam, santosh yadav, maria sharapova... that's six of them already. i guess they put them in the textbook to motivate us? i dunno if it works for others but for me it makes me feel horrible about myself.
but we have two lessons in the textbook that i came across when i was looking over the book and i've read them a long time ago out of curiosity. we haven't done them in school yet but i'm waiting to do it because i wanna see how the teacher teaches those two. one is kinda a lot about depression. like not exactly, it's mostly about hopelessness and thoughts of death and they can come with depression a lot. at the end of the lesson, the textbook has a question. "have you ever felt depressed and rejected? how did you overcome such feelings?" my answer would be that i have felt depressed for over a year now and i've never truly overcome such feelings and probably never will.
by the way, my mother just told me i sucked out the fun of eating ice cream. she's so mad at me and i feel really bad. i always bring others down i feel like my mere presence is depressing to people. if depression is contagious, i'm definitely spreading it around a lot.
i cant take this *** anymore. my father knows what makes me angry and knows that i don't understand his jokes. so he used that to make me so mad and i cried. it hurts so much. he would love it when i'm dead.
he was even making noise at 7:20 am in my room when he knows i'm sleeping. and it woke me up.
ive been feeling so stress/anxious whatever lately. i just cant relax.
i feel so overwhelmed. and so utterly lonely.
I am not up to answering any more tonight. But I will try again tomorrow.
Sending you strength and peace.
it's 12:16 am. i have so much i gotta do for tomorrow. and i feel awful. first off, i'm on 5 hrs of sleep so i'm tired and sleepy. and i'm in pain. i just asked my father if he can drop me to school tomorrow so i can wake up later than usual. he gave me a weird expression and made some weird face. he did say yes but he also threatening told me something else. i didn't exactly get what he meant but he's trying to scare me and hurt me. i know he's thinking of saying something really bad sometime soon. i feel horrible and scared.
i want to d!e. i really want to. i cant keep and keep on going like this. i'm just useless and unwanted and such a burden. i don't want to be like this. everyone will be fine without me and i will be so much better when i'm gone.
for right now, i cant get myself to do my work and i dunno what to do. i guess i'll watch some youtube and cry and then try to do it...
