A place for Vase and Berry
Hi @bestVase7265 This is a place where we can chat with each other. Thank you so much for supporting me, Vase. I'm very grateful and I'm happy to continue our previous conversion here. 😊
i want to have normal looking eyelashes. i've been pulling them a lot lately and they look really bad. i want them to just be normal but they never are. help.
and how do i go to bed on time? if i wanna go by 12:30 am, when do i stop schoolwork, when do i stop cupsing and writing good moments and when do i do what? i've honestly going to bed really latr these last two days. 1:30 am 2:30 am kinda stuff. i gotta fix this but dont know how to.
i cant let the rest of my hols go to waste. i need to come up with something to get work done. also, do i focus on getting writing work done first or do i study? the writing work is so much, if i only keep doing that and not studying i might end up never studying until the night before the exam.
why won't you help me with this? i need to get this all done and i have hardly a few days of my holidays left. i feel so overwhelmed now and i dont know what to do.
today i did some english notebook work. but that's it. clearly, i didn't do as much as i wanted to. at this rate, i dunno how i'll finish things. i want to finish it all this year, you know.
and i really don't want to grow up. i want to become a kid again. i just realised my birthday is in exactly two weeks. i feel horrible. i don't want to make it till then. i wanna grow younger or just vanish. i hate life.
Peace does exist on the earth. You just haven't found it yet. But you have these moments when you write on the "Good Moments" post that are actually peaceful and happy. Those are critical building blocks for the future. You aren't looking for a fully happy day. You are looking for a good hour or two. Those matter tremendously.
Being home for a few weeks is naturally harder. I am sorry that the bed is also hard. My guess is that you aren't sleeping well due to the depression rather than the bed itself. The same thing goes for eating. But you need to keep trying to do both.
Try again for the 15 minutes to half hour to work. You can do this.
Regretting things isn't going to get you anywhere. You just have to move forward into the next day.
I send lots of strength and hope.
@bestVase7265 "My guess is that you aren't sleeping well due to the depression rather than the bed itself. The same thing goes for eating." well, even if i'm not hungry, tastier food is easier to eat and goes down faster. so doesn't that mean a more comfortable bed would help with sleep, even if i struggle with it to some extent because of thoughts and whatever else? i dunno.
"Try again for the 15 minutes to half hour to work. You can do this." i'm trying. just curious on what i'm supposed to do if let's say the work is too boring and i want to leave it and do the work that's more fun? like today my homework felt too boring so i thought i'd come back to it after doing cups work. hardly did any schoolwork at all, expect solving a few english grammar exercises. and i don't wanna stay up late for it. i guess i'll just do it tomorrow and hope that i can get lots of schoolwork tomorrow? because i have school on 3rd jan. and on 1st jan we're probably going for a trip. so not much time and tons of work to do.
You are right that the bed is likely uncomfortable and the food may not be tasty. I didn't word things well. What I should have said was that the depression makes those issues worse because sleep and eating are hard things to do to begin with. Hopefully both issues are a bit better today.
I think that you inherently know this, but anything you do on 7 Cups isn't work. Try to avoid letting your brain think it is. Yes, it may be very helpful, but schoolwork at this point is a necessary evil. Now you can go between different school assignments based upon how boring they are, but school stuff just needs to get done.
You can still get some school stuff done. Do the best that you can. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 "What I should have said was that the depression makes those issues worse because sleep and eating are hard things to do to begin with." you're right. depression makes eating and sleeping hard. but tasier food and a comfier bed could make it easier even if it doesn't fix everything.
anything i do on cups isn't work? no, i did not inherently know that and i still don't know why you would say that. if it's not any kind of work, please tell me what it is. by the way, do you know what i really do here? have you seen it before?
i truly enjoy doing what i do to help. it makes me feel better and it's really fun for me. i do it because i really want to. it takes a lot of time and effort. but it feels worth it in the end because it's fun and knowing that i could have just made someone smile just feels good. i know i'm helping someone and adding something to the community. it's the only thing that makes me feel good about myself.
schoolwork takes time and effort and it doesn't feel worth it. it isn't doing amything to make someone smile, it doesnt feel good, it's hard, it's boring. i'm not helping anyone but myself by doing my schoolwork. i'm not adding anything to the world.
now i know schoolwork is important. i know cups work is optional but schoolwork isnt really.
but the thing with schoolwork is that i feel bad if i dont do it, but i don't feel anything great if i do get it done. because it's endless. there's always more to do. i never feel like i'm doing enough. i'm never satisfied. there's always an expectation to do more and more. so it doesnt feel worth doing it. it's not the same with cups work. with that, there is a specific little bit to do ever week. there's a quota to complete and once it's done and i do and pour my love and care into what i do, i feel satisfied. like i'm doing enough. i'm not expected to do any more than that.
i hope that makes sense. i hope you understand. i know i have to do my schoolwork and i am trying to do it. i did a bit today. and also, i forced myself to take a break from cups work until my exams are over. i've let them know that i won't be helping for about two weeks. i'm trying to do schoolwork. but also, cups work is much more fun and i love doing it. i hope you understand why that is.
i'm so stressed out. i can't sleep properly. i was so restless last night when i went to bed and feeling so frustrated with everything. eventually i feel asleep but not great sleep. and my uncomfortable bed isn't helping it.
and i dont understand what the heck is so wrong with my body. my hair is falling out, my neck hurts, my shoulders hurt, and of course my head hurts. it's all so hard. i think i really need some good sleep. but it feels impossible lately.
tomorrow we're going on a trip. so i have to wake up early. i dunno when i'll go to bed tonight. like it's pointless doing the new year countdown thing but everyone does it, so i dunno.
i want to sleep. i badly want to sleep. right now. but it's 12:13 pm and my hair is wet so my mother wont let me sleep. i'll try asking for permission after lunch. daytime sleep is the only good sleep i can get. sleeping is so hard at night.
what kind of a parent offers an alcoholic drink to their 14 year old kid without being aware that it has alcohol?
today my father is all busy celebrating 31st dec. and he wants to have beer of course. because my mother and i wont have that, he brought breezer for us. he was giving it to me and when i refused to have it, he said that i shouldn't worry because it doesn't have alcohol. my mother too encouraged me to have it, saying it's just fruit juice. how on earth can they be so unaware?
and i have eyes, okay? i can see the bottle and i can see that it has a tiny note that says "consumption of alcohol is injurious to health". how can my parents be so careless to not notice that and be okay with me having a whole glass of that?
my mother won't let me have tea saying that it has caffeine which can stop the brain from developing properly. so i can't have tea till my brain is fully develoved. so caffeine stops brain development and alcohol doesnt? and what if i had it and liked it and longed for more?
i just kept saying no but i cant believe what my parents just did. it had also happened when on new years eve when i was 11 years old. this is crazy.
i wish she would instead let me have tea when i feel sleepy. everyone i know in school has tea on a regular basis. i have had only one cup of actual tea all my life, and the rest is by dipping biscuits into my mothers tea. and when i was a baby and asked for a tea she gave me bournvita milk saying it's "children's tea". when i was a baby and tried sipping my father's beer, nobody stopped me. this is so nonsensical.
oh, and it's 11:27 pm. 31st dec. where did the year even fly by? so fast? too much screen time speeds time up. i really need to spend less time online but i cant control myself.
Happy New Year! This is going to be a better one for you. You are already starting to work through some issues. I know that things are often tough, but you are making it. I believe in you.
In answer to your question, I am going to start with your final phrase "I really need to spend less time online but I can't control myself." That is what I mean by work versus 7 Cups. What you do on Cups is very valuable to both the person that you help and you. Hands down you are doing good things. I totally get that you love doing it. I do too.
But the schoolwork is more important even if you dislike it more. It can be hard and boring. But what if it someday helped you become a therapist who could help mentally ill people professionally? Without school, you can't really do things like that easily. Just because things are hard and boring doesn't mean they aren't valuable. And schoolwork isn't endless. There actually is a point at which most people (unless you are me who made it a career) stop going to school. You just can't see the end point yet.
I know that it sounds like I am just being harsh and not understanding. What I am really trying to do is just give you less moments where you panic about the amount of schoolwork that you have to do. That's it. I hate to watch how sad and anxious you get after you spend a few days away from it. For me, I just balance the schoolwork really regularly with fun stuff and then I can get through it more easily. But it is very much a discipline that I have to work at a lot. Some days are easier than others.
As far as the body stuff goes, what happens in your mind impacts all parts of your body eventually. That is what stress can do and it is pretty scary. But for me, it makes me more motivated to try to stay mentally healthy and strong. Then the physical stuff starts to die down.
I will have to answer your final message tomorrow night! Have a good new year. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 happy new year to you too. sorry i'm late.
what do you mean i'm starting to work though some issues? what issues?
spending lots of time online today to be honest. hopefully tomorrow will be better. i have so much to study lol.
i know schoolwork is important. but yes, it is endless. till the point i finish school, i always have so much to do and till then, it is endless. i hope that makes sense.
"What I am really trying to do is just give you less moments where you panic about the amount of schoolwork that you have to do." well, thank you. i am panicking though.
should i go to school or friday or directly on monday for the exam?
I would probably go to school. You may not learn anything but you will be away from the home chaos and it will help you get over the hump and start studying again. You can do this.
I don't know if this helps you in terms of sleep, but my therapist reminded me yesterday about heavier blankets. The blankets tend to feel like hugs which can really help you get to sleep and stay asleep. Last night mine saved me because there were tons of loud fireworks outside but the blanket helped me get back to sleep.
Sorry about the alcohol incident. It sounds like they wanted to relax their own rules because of the celebration. 14 years old is also definitely older than 11. But you are well within your rights to just say no. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 blankets are a tricky thing...
What makes blankets tricky for you? @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 it can get really hot in here sometimes! and i have this problem where i absolutely cannot sleep without a blanket. i'll need to cover myself with a blanket from head to toe to feel safe enough to sleep. even if it means i'll need a fan.
in the summers just a thin blanket, which is basically a bedsheet makes me sweat so much, forget about heavy blankets. in the monsoon, i have this thicker blanket that i can use and it works well because monsoons generally have pretty pleasant temperatures.
in winter, that's not enough. and the very thick blankets that we have are too uncomfy for me. and we have these extremely thick things that are comfy but extremely heavy and suffocating. you know i have to cover myself head to toe, so that kind of a blanket means i cant breathe underneath. i slept with one of those and i had to take it off my head. and also i woke up soaked in sweat because i was too warm.
so what we figured out is that i can use use two of those moderately thick monsoon blankets in the winter. but my mother has told me that if she find me using two of those and having the fan on, she'll take one of them away. and i need to sleep with just one of them and the fan on the lowest possible speed to avoid the eerie silence. it's still not that warm here, i could easily use two of them and feel just warm enough and comfy. then then i'd have to turn the fan off for my mother. and i cant sleep in that eerie silence.
i badly wish i could have the fan and two blankets to actually feel safe and comfy, but my mother wont let me. i remember the few days when i used to blankets and it felt so good though. it was really nice. but my mother wont let me to do it if i want the fan on.
why does this have to be so complicated?
It is sometimes complicated with blankets. I sleep with the fan on and heavy blankets. Actually I am probably taking off a few blanket layers throughout the night. I also have been known to take one thinner blanket and fold it in half lengthwise so I get double the weight.
One of the blankets I have is so heavy that it is made for anxiety. It is called a weighted blanket. What I do is use it and then stick my feet out the end if I get too hot. But it really helps even if I can only use it for a little bit. @exuberantBlackberry9105
I also can't stand the silence and need a fan for that reason as well. @bestVase7265
@bestVase7265 oh lol sounds complicated. but i'm glad you get to sleep with a fan and thick blankets and have so many options. lucky you!
last night i got 9 hours of sleep. yeah, literally 9 hours, i'm not making it up but i went to bed at 11:30 pm because i was exhauuuusted and my mother didn't wake me up until 8:48 am today. it's 3:13 pm now and i'm soooo sleepy.
Glad that you got some solid sleep. I know that it may be temporary, but all sleep is good even if you still are tired the next day. Your body needs it. I hope that there is some more good sleep in the near future! @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 last night was terrible. 5 hours of pretty bad sleep.
Sorry! @exuberantBlackberry9105
what the heck's wrong with my body? my is my hair falling out like this? it feels horrible.
and just a question, do you think i deserve everything that i have to deal with? what did i do to deserve it? something bad in my last life? how does the work even work?
oh and i did quite want to go to school today but i didn't. also, i didn't sleep last night. i feel awful now.
and i haven't even started studying for exams. i'm just sitting here trying to figure out the mess in my head and nothing's helping. i just want to d1e.
i have so much pressure on me to do well in these exams. my friend sees me as a competitor. i really need to do well, i cant get everything wrong. i have to study but i cant. i just cant. my head hurts. i'm sleepy. i don't do this.
i hate myself.
sorry if i sounded bad there but been feeling better since i washed my hair.
but one thing that's been upsetting me is the way our history textbook talks about suicide. like it's no big deal.
by the way, i've been trying to get myself to study but it's hard. i cant use a timer or anything because my phone wont work. it hasn't turned on once in 2025. it just wont turn on. so every time i wanna be on cups, i have to turn on the laptop. and once i do that, it's so hard to get off it. getting off the phone is easier because my phone is old and not much works on it, like youtube doesn't work on my phone for months. now with my phone not working, i'm on the laptop too much.
i tried to make youtube a bit boring by putting on a browser extension that hides the sidebar and youtube shorts and some other stuff. i could get rid of the homepage as well but i'm not doing that. so mostly i can watch a little from there and search something up if i need it. i think it's helping because i managed to stop watching youtube and get some work done today.
but it's still not fun to not have my phone work at all. i have to sleep in the eerie silence at night and i don't like it. i cant play some whatever sleep music that i normally play. i turn on the fan so it's not that eerie but it's still not that good.
we do have an extra phone lying around at home that used to be my mother's old phone but since she got her current one, she doesn't use it much anymore. she says its a very slow, kinda unresponsive phone but every time i use it it works just fine. i'm used to using old phones, my current one is 10 years old, so one that's only 5 years old will be a lot better than this.
she has told me a few that i can use it if i want. i'm super hesitant to actually go and ask for it though. if i have a pretty well functioning phone with me (but without a sim card), what if she gets concerned about what i'm doing with it and tries looking through or something? i really don't want that, you know.
plus, it has the same charger as another phone that lays around at home that's sometimes with me or my mother. i use it for copying notes that my friend shares on whatsapp. she uses it for youtube, d-mart and bigbasket (apps for buying groceries). this one used to be my father's old phone and he lost it's charger. so both the phones get charged with the same charger. if i take this phone and cant find a charger for it, i'll have to put it for charging in my mother's room. that is certainly not something i'd want to do.
i'm overthinking it. maybe you can help? you probably know better about how parents feel about children's phones and children actually having phones.
I think that I only have time to get the top one of these messages tonight.
No, I don't think you deserve any of what you have to deal with. I don't think I ever said otherwise. I wouldn't wish depression on my worst enemy.
But we both still have it anyway. If I focus on what I deserve then I just get angry and frustrated. I prefer to just think about how to get over it rather than stew in it.
I will get to the rest tomorrow. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 that's okay, take your time but please do help me with the phone problem.
no, you never said i deserve all this. but my mother said something that seemed to imply that everyone perfectly deserves every good or bad thing that happens to them. she was explaining something to me on thursday and from there she started "everyone gets punished for all their wrongdoings and they have to suffer until all their wrongdoings are nullified. fate brings you good things if you have been doing good things. if you haven't, it'll first punish you for all your wrongdoings. even if you did something wrong in your past life, you will be punished for it some day or the other. nothing bad ever goes unpunished."
so she's trying to tell me that i deserve to go through this h3ll? that this is all punishment for everything i've done wrong? what could i have done wrong in my past life or whatever to go through all this now? what am i being punished for?
right now i feel awful. i have hardly done anything useful today. i have exams starting the day after tomorrow. i have so much to study. it's 10:43 pm right now. i feel so bad and i'm really scared. i want to vanish you know. but then i just read something and now i'm terrified to even die. i dont know what happens after death and it's scaring me. so i cant live and i cant die. i'm so stuck living in this fear. i dont know what to do anymore. nothing makes me feel good anymore.
i feel so... dead.
Ok, so let me start with the phone question since that is what you are most worried about. I think that you do take a risk that your mom might see stuff that you don't want her to, but I'd try if you think you can use it carefully.
Why don't you start by using it to play your night time relax music? Your mom can't complain much about that. I also think copying notes would be good on the phone. But maybe don't use it for 7 Cups or YouTube. That might allow you to focus more on your studies anyway.
There is a really slight chance that if you turn the old phone off for a day and then turn it back on that it might work. But sometimes they do just give out.
I think your mom is feeding you a bunch of lies in terms of thinking that people get what they deserve. It may be her way of understanding things but there is no reason that it has to be yours. Plus, if she believes that about herself then she must believe she has done awful things if she hates her life so much. She is just trying to scare you and there is no reason to let her.
Think about it this way - This fall I had two hurricanes, my mom breaking her kneecap, and my school being shut down for 6 weeks due to damages. If I believed that I deserved all of that in some way, then I couldn't function. It just happened and I had to deal with it rather than wasting my energy on trying to figure out why.
Avoid thinking long-term right now. Focus on doing as much studying as you can without panic. You are going to survive the exams. They are the next step on the path.
last night i went to bed at 12:30 am, feeling pretty horrible. but i was still managing. then i lay down and just started crying. i cried and i cried and i cried for what felt like hours. i don't know the exact time without my phone (and the wall clock isn't visible from my bed), but it felt like a long time.
i looked out the window and it looked like nobody was awake. everyone i could see had their lights off, even the house where someone's normally awake until very late. and 12:30 am isn't even that late. honestly its helps to know someone else is also awake. but no one was. not even my parents. it's terrifying.
so i say in bed crying. nothing to comfort me, no one to talk to. because i don't have my phone. and i had no energy to get up, go to my desk, get the laptop to my bed and do something with it. also, if i had done that, i might just have stayed up all night because you need to sit up to use a laptop and it's harder to get sleepy that way. plus, putting away the laptop can get hard.
normally when something like this happens, i lay in bed and use 7 cups to either talk to someone or just browse forums until i find something comforting or just get too sleepy and then put the phone away. that helps a lot. but now my phone wont work. i don't blame it, it's 10 years old and has had battery issues for almost 2 years now, but it's hard without it.
and even my pillow wasn't being of much help yesterday. i was just thinking so much and crying. and yeah all those thoughts of dying and imagining what might happen after that, to everyone i know. how they'll react. and where i might be. the thoughts wont go away. and no, i'm not scared to die. death is the only thing i want now.
i dunno when i finally stopped crying and fell asleep. but had a lot of very realistic dreams/nightmares and hated them. clearly didn't sleep well. and now i have to study all day 5 chapters in one day because i haven't even started studying yet. 11:20 am. i dunno how i'll do this.
by the way i also woke up before 8:30 am today and just lay there thinking.
hardly studied at all today. it's 1:51 am now. i have the exam tomorrow. and i have so much to do. i have not even fully completed one chapter, everything is half done and one chapter i haven't even touched yet.
and i normally concentrate really well at night but now i cant. i dunno how long this is gonna take, i have so much to do.
to make matters worse, i'll be going to school tomorrow after 17 days. gosh, that's a lot. i'm terrified.
my eyebrows are gone. help.