A place for Vase and Berry

Ok, I am going to try to get through as much of your stuff as I can. But I am going to start with the positive, even before reading it. Today was not the most perfect day for me either with a bunch of hard meetings and not getting to see my kids. But I am going to focus on two cookies. I had one lovely cookie at lunch and another at my afternoon meeting. Even though I knew that the sugar probably was a bad idea and they were huge, I allowed myself to indulge. Sometimes it is just okay to do that.

Starting with the top message that I didn't answer...Every good night of sleep matters. You got one good night and then one bad one. Those are going to happen. Just keep trying to get on the better sleep schedule with some alarms. You can do this.

You are allowed to vent about your mom because it is giving you place to process. I understand that your mom disrupted your plan because she didn't understand it. I wish that she had, but there isn't much you can do about the fact that she didn't. I would keep telling her that you are trying to get on a better sleep schedule so that you can study better. She might hear you eventually. But until she does (or if she never does) there is one thing you can control - the anger and it keeping you from sleeping.

Yup, what I just asked is unbelievably hard. Trust me. I know that whole-heartedly. Part of the reason that I couldn't write last night was because I was so angry. My husband got to see two of my sons today, but I didn't and I really wanted to. I had to work. But my husband wasn't all that happy that they were going to come and disrupt his quiet house. I only said a single sentence in anger, but it hurt him badly. Do I regret saying it? No. But I do regret the hours that it took me to calm down afterwards so I could sleep. But I know that I just have to keep trying to not keep my anger because the only one it hurts is me. So I worked really hard at thinking about other things. It helped and my husband ended up enjoying his visit today. He just couldn't be where I wanted him to be at emotionally last night. So I had to accept that fact. He was better this morning.

Your mother was indeed wrong to not attempt to understand your sleep schedule. But it was very different from what you had been doing. So keep trying to convince her that you are going to try something new. Eventually you might just wear her down. But the calmer you can stay for your sake the better. 

Crying can be really weird when you are dealing with depression, etc. There really isn't a pattern. Your brain releases the tears when it decides to. Sometimes you need to be doing something completely different for it to happen. It's okay that way too. 

Okay I am now into your message from today. I am sorry that she is making you study so much without breaks. It really keeps you from knowing the information, but she can't understand that. She is actually doing it out of love. Yes, I know that feels totally off, but she thinks this is the one thing that she can help you with because she actually knows it. Thus she hyper focuses on it and then fails to really teach much of anything beyond a hatred for the subject. My mom did the same thing with me in regards to sewing when I was little. It was very much her thing and not mine.

The one good thing here is if you take more of an arts path then you will be doing less maths sooner. Keep focused on that and just try to make it through the next day or so before the test. There is a slight chance that if you do poorly on the test that you might be able to convince her that her methods don't help you. She is making you too nervous and exhausted to retain anything. That is the only reason you are "stupid" at maths and aren't feeling confident. Yes, I know that is not really much of relief at the moment, but it is the best I can offer.

Sending peace that the test will be over soon. Then your mom will calm down a bit. You will find a way through. 

Going to start with the good again. I think that my closest connected moment today was the cat clunking her head against the floor. She likes to flip herself halfway over and slam her head into the ground. She then looks up at you with big innocent eyes that say "call me cute". She is too far out of reach for actual pets but she seems pleased enough to just hear that she is cute. It is totally weird.

Ok, so you allowed yourself a second message to process and vent which is good. I am glad that crying and YouTube helped you find a new (brief) sense of calm.

It really isn't totally your fault for bringing up the maths again even if your mom did offer you a break. Yes, she was probably trying to calm things down which was good but it certainly didn't take much to set her off. I am sorry that you had to endure more yelling. Yes you do need to get more rest before an exam, but based on the schedule that you have been doing 12:15 am wasn't horrible. I get the sense that your mom was stressed about the exam too and then took out that stress on you by yelling which just made you more tense. Quite a nasty cycle for you to have to live through, but you are enduring it.

Keep reminding yourself that she isn't giving helpful advice. She doesn't really understand things like taking pictures but that doesn't make them valuable. I can guarantee whatever else you are too ashamed to share is equally wrong. Her expectations aren't realistic, but there are still things you can control here. Above all focus on your reaction to her. You know that you are doing your best and coming up with the best study system for you. Have confidence that is enough. Keep reminding her that yelling at you won't make you work faster or better. What it will do is make you need more time to calm down so you will study less. 

I know that depression takes a bunch of energy. I also know that is hard to see from where you are standing, but overall you are doing better than you were a month ago. I wish it was easier. But you are doing this. Keep working on taking lots of deep breaths when your mom throws you off. Try doing 10 times 4 square breathing (breathe in on a count of four, hold for a count of four, breathe out for a count of four, rest for a count of four). Focusing on one activity like breathing for 3-4 minutes may help you reset a little faster. 

I am going to answer the eyebrow question tomorrow. We can try to figure it out together. 

Ok, starting with the good is hard tonight but I will try. I guess the best part of my day was a small lunch group that I am part of that meets once a month. We are reading a book called "Rest is Resistance" and trying to find better ways to find time to nap. Otherwise the day was pretty awful because some of my colleagues found out that they won't have teaching contracts next year because the amount of students we have has decreased. I could have very easily been one of them. I am lucky I wasn't, but it is still really sad.

Okay, the eyebrow issue. Do really try not to pull anything until after the picture day. That is a starting point. What kinds of things are you doing to do makeup, etc. in the morning to hide things? I would probably continue with some of that. Also recognize (and this is tough) that however the picture turns out that you probably won't like it. Right now due to the depression your brain is convincing you not to like anything. So practice being as kind to yourself as you can. It is one picture on one day. Most people aren't ever going to look closely at it and they will not ever look as closely as you will.

I like the "bad and stupid" idea said to yourself but reframe it just a little. Your mom is being bad and stupid TODAY because she isn't thinking. There is always a chance that she could be better tomorrow. The key is to label the action of yelling as bad and stupid rather than the person. That way you give her room to grow and change. That is EXACTLY what she is not giving you in yelling at you and labeling you. So take that power away from her by not doing it to her in return. Her actions and the current ideas in her head are wrong. That idea will indeed allow her words not to sting so much.

Keep doing as best you can with the bedtime. Set yourself an alarm for 12:15 even if you know that you can't hit it one night. When the alarm goes off, it then just reminds you to wrap up as soon as you can. Those alarms can really be a lifesaver in recreating solid sleep patterns.

When your brain says "I don't want to study right now" then get up and walk around the room a few times. Look out a window. Don't take a "break" by doing Netflix or Cups. That becomes a longer habit that is much harder to break. If you really feel the need for Netflix or Cups set an alarm for 10 minutes and then try again.

You can do this. Good luck with your exams for tomorrow.

Ok. I am going to focus on answering you first tonight, but there is a slight chance that I might have to end early before I complete everything. Life continues to be a bit rough at my end. My campus was just evacuated for an upcoming storm. My home will most likely be fine, but the campus could flood. This is our 3rd year in a row evacuating so we are getting used to the procedure, but it is still stressful and involves lots of emails at the beginning as students panic about where they are going to go.

It sounds like you have a great plan for the eyebrows. Just continue to keep yourself from pulling! Great job. I can totally understand the eyelashes if they were irritating you. Just do the best that you can until your picture. You can grow the eyelashes back later. They might be less irritating to grow back when you aren't under so much school stress. The 2-3 at a time sounds like an approach that could work as well.

I think the phrase "I can try again tomorrow" would be a good thing to say to yourself regularly. The less time you spend blaming yourself the better. This holds true of sleep and study. I do think that you will have fewer nightmares once you get a better sleep pattern.

I am glad that you finally get a chance to study some English. Sometimes it can be a little hard to reread things. I teach many of the same texts year after year so I too get excited when I read something new. But with English especially, I tend to find something different and a new way of thinking if I look closely enough.

Sorry that I wrote Netflix instead of youtube. That is totally on me. I do more Netflix than youtube so I was thinking about me rather than you and just mistyped.

I am so glad you are having a few more happy memories lately. I do feel like you are starting to improve a bit overall. That doesn't mean you won't have horrible days. It just means that you can deal with the bad a bit better and it doesn't last as long. Any improvement is a good improvement.

Okay, so the final bit about the sleep schedule. The big thing is consistency I am afraid. So I'd probably try to minimize sleeping during the day so you can sleep better at night. If you need to nap or do youtube then set an alarm so you sleep for half an hour to an hour. Sometimes you will wake up feeling a little worse, but you will sleep better at night a few hours later. So sorry to agree with your mom a bit on this front. Sleep experts do say that overall one longer sleep is better than lots of napping and then staying up late. I would say watching youtube during the day if you need a distraction is better than a longer nap. But try it for a few weeks and see. I haven't seen you have a consistent sleep pattern so it is difficult to tell how it might improve your mental state. I do think that it could do wonders.

That being said, your mom yelling doesn't help. Her own inconsistent advice isn't helping. She is wrong to urge you to stay up beyond midnight period no matter what test you have the next day. Do the 12:20 goal (with an alarm at midnight to remind you to go bed in 20 minutes) and keep it no matter what is happening the next day. Her comments are irrelevant. Remember that you agreed before that she didn't understand. So just ignore anything that keeps you from that 12:20 goal. Lie about your bedtime to her if you need to. Make one day just like the next for a bit. You can do this.

Sorry for missing another day on here. Things are still a little crazy on my end as we await the storm. The waiting isn't fun, but my victory is not having a house full of college students to feed this time, just my one son. It has been really nice getting to talk to him because we hadn't seen him that much since he started school at the beginning of August because he lives on campus.

I know studying is a struggle, but you are going to get through it. Is it the sound of the alarm that bothers you the most? Are there different sounds to try? As far as stopping in the middle of a video, I do so all the time myself. Then I have something to look forward to after I have done another bit of work. But I know that my own schedule doesn't work for everyone. I literally go with about 15 minutes of work followed by a 5 minute break pretty much throughout the day. But I really do time my breaks and force myself to get back to work.

I also go to bed at 10 pm and wake up at 6:30. But each person is different. I just know what you have right now isn't working for you, especially in terms of when you go to bed. I would probably focus just on that for a bit. You might find you have more energy to study with the regular bed time after you have done it for a few days. Your lack of motivation is based heavily in the depression which can be helped by regular bed times. It is worth trying anyway. 

The wake up time should vary depending upon school or no school. I would disagree with your mom there and let you sleep in. It also depends upon how much time you need to get ready in the morning on school days. I don't know when your school day starts.

I can see that it might be hard to lie about the time you are going to bed if it is before her bed time. I guess I might ask her if you could please experiment with your bedtime being earlier to increase your motivation to study. See if you can ask when she is in a better mood. Tell her that you read somewhere that a more consistent, earlier bedtime helps students and you wanted to try it. Then if she says you should stay up to study because SHE is nervous about your test, remind her of her promise to let you try the earlier bedtime for a few months. But you be consistent with the 12-12:45 too.

I would also probably not tell her when you are going to bed even if you will hear a bit from her the next morning. She doesn't need an exact time if she is going to argue with you about it. I feel that you are getting better about not letting her comments impact you as much. Good job!

I think that I might just tell her that you had a bunch of nightmares that kept you from sleeping soundly. The rest of it, she didn't need to know.

My birthday isn't until late November. When is yours?

12:29 am. what does this count as? i dont wanna put a cross, i tried so hard. i cant put a tick mark because i know i didn't truly suceed.

I HATE THAT ***, THAT STUPID OLD LADY. i'm so done with her. i can't take it anymore. i want to go. i could really use some rope right now, but i dont have any and i cant improvise. so i am forced so stay. i wish my grandparents would come get me out of here. i loved my grandma. can't she see me? can't she come take me with her? what is she doing, just watching me live like this? she's so cruel.

i dont care if i cant truly give up. but this is me giving up hope. giving up on trying to feel better. i'll just exist. whatever good happens i'll let it happen. but from this moment on, i will do NOT A SINGLE THING that take efforts to try to feel better. i am done.

I am extremely sorry but I am going to need to take just one night off from reading. I can't manage any more pain and anger tonight. I haven't really looked at anything you wrote, but I saw the capitalization and the word "venting" and I knew that I simply could not do it today.

It was a very tough day at my end. I know of multiple friends who lost their homes overnight to the storm. We are okay with electricity, sewer and flooding, but lots of sadness around. It also looks like we will be teaching online for another week, but the campus isn't too bad off we think. 

But knowing the number of colleagues and friends whose lives have been seriously damaged in the last 24 hours is very overwhelming.

I will be back tomorrow.

Thanks, if it is okay, I am indeed not going to go back and reread yesterday. I am doing better but it is going to be a few more weeks at least of this stress level. This morning I joined my oldest son in a neighborhood cleanup effort. There is just so much damage out there. We went into one house where the people hadn't even returned yet to help in the process of getting water off of their floors and throwing away books and other items that were totally ruined by the flooding. We got so little done in the hour we were there. And there were hundreds of other houses like it with people throwing all that they owned onto the curbs so garbage trucks could pick the stuff up. It was very, very sad, but I was relieved to feel like I was doing something.

My college students had to leave campus last Tuesday and Wednesday in preparation for the storm. Some went to their houses, others stayed with more distant family members, the families of their roommates, etc. My own son came home. Lots of people are trying to help one another, but some people will be without homes for months. I don't know where they are all going to stay. We will see. 

I am glad that you aren't going to stop trying. We all have days when we just need to vent and we are convinced giving up is the only option (my day yesterday was a little like that), but then we find strength and we get up and try again. 

I like the idea of not letting your mom start your day off badly. I hope that it works out for you. 6 hours of sleep isn't perfect, but it isn't horrible either. You are going to find your way to a better schedule. I am glad that you went to bed at a decent time even if the homework wasn't all done. You will hopefully set yourself up better for tomorrow.

If you ever want me to go back to look over yesterday's messages, let me know.