Day's One Line A Day

@Daydreamer47

Showing up is already a huge step! You’ll get there be patient with yourself <3💜

@Daydreamer47

Hello, I am doing okay today. I had a study session with my friends, which helped a lot to feel better about this exam on Friday. I am behind a little on other subjects, but I did catch up a little today. Also went for a run, felt a bit out of shape still but a little improved lol :)

Took some step towards plans for summer. Next step is to make a post on social media to find someone to sublet. I am thinking of either asking that person to look after my cat or trying to get a separate person to take him. I am anxious about leaving him in the care of someone I don't know well, but just need to take one step at a time and weigh my options I guess.

Have been trying to be social cuz I still feel lonely every day. My school is having an ultimate frisbee group. I am not very good so kind of intimidated but feel like I really need to be social.

Hi, studied a lot for big skeletal path exam tomorrow. Feeling stressed but ok about it. I also have fear of failure. Try to tell myself it is ok to make mistakes and not get perfect score. I prepared a lot and worked hard and that's all I can do.

Feelings about college alumni event on Saturday. It always brings up feelings of nostalgia/regret about college and wondering if I should move closer to my old college, but I would be away from family, old friends if did that. Try to tell myself it is not all or nothing thinking, I have gone back to visit a lot and I could always try living there temporarily at a later time.

I am feeling a bit stressed to figure out my plans to sublet my apartment and find somewhere safe for my cat to be. I did get two responses about the sublet, and I am not sure which is the best option. One person would watch my cat but they have a dog, so I might need to find some way to fence off part of the room with a pet gate so my cat is not too scared. The other person was two pets which is way too many for my cat to stay there. So they would pay full price while I would try to find someone at school to pay to take my cat for the summer, maybe in a guest room somewhere (put they might have other pets too :/) I guess I need to wait and weigh my options. I am mostly worried about my cat, and also don't want to end up paying the full cost of my rent while I'm not there. Also will I need to get a storage unit...I hate asking people for help moving but I may need to.

Feeling ok today. Made some progress on cardio and clin pharm. Got flooded with messages about the sublet. Replied to a few of them. A bit overwhelmed with having to say no to people, but I need to do what is best for me and I guess next is to have people visit and talk to the landlord and go from there because she has to approve them anyway.

Talked to my friend Alyssia about my ex. She said it doesn't hurt to see if he wants to talk. I wasn't sure if that was the right thing to do, so I texted him "are you open to talking. If not, it's okay, don't want to push boundaries". He didn't respond today, so I guess that is a no. I feel like I embarassed myself doing that, because he had said "no, that's fine" before but I didn't know if that meant just that he didn't want support or he really wanted me to leave him alone (but probably I thought that's what it meant). I feel bad that I may have made him feel like I didn't respect the boundary but I did the best I could to see if it was ok to ask for clarification. Tryin to tell myself it is okay to make mistakes.

Haven't been the most productive today but finally finished cardio lectures. Wanted to get more of my study outline done but I did start a little.

Really angry at my brother. I am going to file a tax extension even though I don't really need to because I have a refund just to placate him. I feel angry because I feel judged. I physically have very limited time right now. I have an assignment due at midnight and class all day tomorrow plus an exam Friday. I am angry at receiving extra pressure when I was going to him to finally receive some help without judgment. Plus I feel like I have done research to understand the issue and I hate my family members assuming I don't know anything because I'm younger. What I want to say. I filed and extension even though the research indicates I didn't need to because I have a refund. I feel annoyed because I physically have little time right now and have to be more realistic and my wellbeing matters as well. I felt judged and just wanted to have someone to ask questions and receive help because I can't go to my parents for help with this because they will be judgmental and put me down. I feel frustrated because I really hoped you would be more understanding and I am feeling judged again. And I it's not about being too emotional the information really says there is no penalty if you have a refund and I need to be realistic about my time and what I can actually get done instead of blinding following a rule that makes no sense when it is literally possible to file an extension.

@Daydreamer47 I filed the federal extension. That way I can have more time and I don't owe any taxes any way so it says it will be fine.

"I filed an extension for my federal, and I am getting a refund and don't owe any money. I did in fact do research about my options to make this choice. There are multiple sources of information including turbotax, HR block that say if you are getting a refund there is no penalty. I would obviously only exercise this option in the case of emergency where I am deeply pressed for time, and that is literally my circumstances currently. Under normal circumstances I would of course file by the deadline, but the amount of things I have on my plate makes that nearly impossible right now. I have an assignment due at midnight, class on Tuesday and need to drive to another state tomorrow night because I have a clinic at 7:30am on Wednesday. I have 7 exams in a row, including three more big exams. I know you were just trying to help but, I felt frustrated with having extra pressure put on me when I have been researching my options and need to make my own choice about what is best for me. I don't think it's good to make choices based on anxiety instead of the evidence of what the options are and taking into account taking care of myself as well. I just wanted someone to ask questions about taxes so I could receive support because I feel like I really wasn't properly taught by mom and dad who yelled at me when "teaching" me so I haven't felt comfortable asking them any questions. I just wanted a safe person to ask for help so I can feel more confident in the skill.

Upset about email from my mom who seemed to take things personally and be defensive instead of listening. I want to respond to her over the phone but need to talk to counselor and find the mental space for it. Also, may be an issue of finding another family counselor over the summer but would need to pick carefully.

I think I would like to build up support elsewhere and keep trying to ask other people for help and advice so I feel like I don't feel like I have to interact with my parents and be mistreated because I don't have anyone else to help me.

I want to talk to my counselor about making that a goal and trying to take steps towards it the next time.

Also my apartment is so *** cold. I am wearing so many layers plus heated blanket and still feel like I am in tremendous physical pain from how cold it is. I ordered a space heater online but will take a week to get here. I tried to find one at the store today but couldn't find one.

I feel the same everyday before i go to bed. Sometimes even in the day. The feeling is weird and it hurts me way too much. I feel you. Proud of your A btw, good job!

Sorry for the reply days late lol. I only joined recently and was going through your journal

@SoulWalker01 That's okay. It's mainly me rambling lol. Don't expect people to respond.

Feeling okay today. Felt a bit better from studying with my friends today. I was still 1 minute late to class today, but better than before. I have a huge fear of the prof yelling at me or others judging me for being late but I am doing my best and dealing with my own struggles.

Letting things with my mom just rest for now until can talk to therapist. Not sure how much energy I want to keep spending on my parents, have kind of given up. I think it's not really wanting to repair things but feeling a panic of not having support. After this week neuro exam, I will go to new NAMI support group. Over summer , I could even go to a zoom support group every day if I wanted to.

My brother was annoying and still a bit grumpy but he did answer my questions. Idk so also with him he is not like the best source of warmth and encouragement but maybe it is worth continuing to try to ask questions and if he scolds me again, need to tell him how I felt.

Want to practice roleplaying with counselor more difficult conversations, trying to stand up for myself in the moment and try to be confident.

I miss my ex and it feels like a strong hole in my social life and a lot of needs not being met in terms of hugs/cuddles and emotional intimacy too. But I am doing best I can to lean into friendships rn.

Doing okay. Stayed in library today which seemed to help a lot. made some progress on neuro. I am behind on Gi so I will have a lot to catch up this weekend but is what it is.

Worried about my cat placement for summer. Maybe after this exam I can take more steps on that like ask Ali if they will take or post a sitter ad or ask roommates if they would or know anyone.

Anxious that affinity womens group still hasnt started. having negative thought it will never start and I really needed that support. will try to go to NAMI group next week maybe Monday or Tuesday even though have other exam but need to go to something.

Maybe also book small storage unit this weekend or next. can try to start putting a few things in it as weekends pass.

Anxious about mom still and feeling invalidated but sort of feeling better just putting on backburner for now. I really don't know what to do with them, like give up and/or try for more direct phone call or more family counseling? But so much of time I also just strongly dislike her and feel they are not positive influences for me.

Also my space heater from walmart came and oh lordy is it wonderful ahh lol. trying not to use too much to rack up energy costs or anything but it helps a lot

Frustrated the no one is interested in womens group at school. Felt like the student dean was a bit rude to me. Maybe I emailed him too many times but my need for support was valid and I hadn't heard back and just wanted to check. Therapist said how he reacts isn't about me. While, I do my best to be considerate of others, what I need is important too and I did the right thing by trying to ask for help.

I am worried about finding someone to watch my cat for the summer. I posted on our school board and posted on a pet sitting website. Plus my boss is asking around in the area. I really worried. I have a month still but feels like not a lot of time. I will try messaging my roommates tomorrow.

Feeling lonely not having anyone to talk to today and with support group not working out at school. I just wish I had more people that knew what I was going through who I could talk to regularly. It's so lonely and hard

I am feeling anxious about plans for the summer because my landlord said she agreed to someone subletting my room but I haven't heard from that person in two weeks and I am afraid they gave up and found a different apartment because my landlord dropped the ball and took too long to respond to the people I picked. I guess maybe I can text the landlord to ask for the subletters number and call them. I do have some candidates for the cat sitting I need to interview. A bit overwhelmed with choosing the right person and guilt of saying no to someone but they should understand I may be choosing the best person.

I feel annoyed when people give their response in the form of telling me what to do/giving advice.

I had a bad day; I am feeling stressed about school.
Empathetic response: Sorry you are feeling stressed. Sounds like that has been hard for you. Do you want to tell me more about how you are feeling?

Unsolicited advice/lecturing. Don't be stressed. Stress won't help you. Think on the bright side. Breathe, exercise, eat vegetables.

Lady from doctor's office was really rude to me when I was just trying to ask questions to understand what the issue was and what I needed to do. Plus the portal said something different that they just didn't have my doctor listed which is different from what the lady said.

Also annoyed at sabrina today for laughing at me for holding the dog correctly. I tried really my best to be assertive because she was doing everything and I did it again to make sure I got a chance to try it. I am glad I was assertive even though she couldn't empathize with me finding something difficult. I was new to the skill and it's normal for me to be a bit clumsy and need some practice.

Feel tired and lonely. Frustrated that I had a big breakout. Usually my birth control has kept it much better but I just had a huge breakout and it makes me feel ugly all over again. It's so hard to get to go away (no advice for the love of god people are so obnoxious with that). I seem to have so much anxiety about setting boundaries because when I try to express that I am upset at all with fam they blow up. It end up being kind of emotionally manipulating. Anyway. I drank so much water to try to clear the breakout. But it seems the same. I am not that good with covering it with make up and felt so ugly today. Pray that it clears.

Really frustrated with teleheath doctor's appointment this morning. I was ready to sign in on time but they had another form that they wouldn't let me join the video call until I did, but I was struggling to upload the photos cuz my camera is running out of space and they cancelled after 5 minutes of joining the call. This seems like a super *** system, like what if I had a question about the form. Why not call me or let me join the call to see if something is wrong? SO frustrated and mad

Went to online support group which was one of my goals. Felt at first frustrated it was so big and didn't know how to share. They called on me and I was able to share and started crying. Felt super overwhelmed by that to show so much emotion in a big group. It made me feel super flooded and I had a hard time getting back to doing school work that I needed to work on after work. I think I should keep showing up and trying different groups but maybe a little at a time cuz it was a lot for me. Also a few people gave me their numbers which is really nice but I feel guilty because I don't know if I have the time to follow up and also am afraid of getting overwhelmed emotionally by their issues and struggles with boundaries which I have experienced in the past from mental health community friends.

Need to ask if I have gotten cat food delivered. Feel embarassed that there has been a pile of my ordrs there for a while. Embarrassed to admit I don't know where to pick it up when it seems like other people already know and i can't keep up with them. Positive thoughts: it's ok to not know something and to admit that. I am human and allowed to make mistakes. If I accept myself, I can try to not care about the judgment of others. Maybe they will be glad I finally picked it up. I am doing the best I can and have been overwhelmed so maybe they will understand I haven't picked it up.

I feel like I did well today. Still feel super lonely each day. At least I had the time with the support group. NAMI seems better in a lot of ways. I just wish I had friends to talk to. I feel like few people really know me and what's going on with me. But I am doing best I can each day. Confronted my fear of asking about cat food, which I guess now I am feeling embarassment and anticipating the person making fun of me or judging me. My counselor says, their reaction is about them. I am doing best I can and am just doing what I need to do to get food for my cat. I can do things at my own pace.

Got stressed today from seeing whole class outside and not knowing who to talk to and feeling like there were a lot of cliques. I didv have some good interactions with nicole jenny and danielle. trying to just keep chatting with some new people at school each day. it's ok I am not in every group or that others go out in groups that I'm not in. I can only do my best.

Got really stressed about letter from social security today. Need to go in to office week to try to address it. Hopefully can appeal it again. Hope it is mistake. I don't understand why they would give me more money and then say I owe money again. I hope it is misunderstanding and I can appeal. I will bring my tax form with my student tuition. It's not my fault and I can only do best I can. I could always consider getting a pro bono lawyer.

@Daydreamer47 Can try to go Tues or Wednesday. Maybe Wednesday so I can watch gi lecture

Today was ok. Frustrated that my friend's friend made a comment at dinner about not liking transgender people. I didn't know them well and didn't know how to respond. thought of clever things to say after of course. glad i got to spend time with my friend though and celebrate her to take my mind off it being mothers day. Sent a one line email and of course my mom acts like everything is fine and we have a great mother daughter relationship despite me telling her many times how much she has hurt me and I want her to take accountability and acknowledge where I am at and not ignore how I feel and the issues, but she does anyway.

Feeling okay today. Still lonely. Kind of got triggered by mom responding to my mother's day email. Enjoyed having gardening club and felt better with going to class. I felt it helped to be more on top of things. Miss my ex a lot still. Glad I got to do gardening and trying to do some naturey things. Had weird interaction with eating by myself at lunch which makes me super nervous. Did best I could today. My goal is to go to support group Wednesday night. Feel like I have so many more things to do before leaving for summer and wish I had more of a break.

Really tired, overworked from studying cardio final. frustrated I won't get much of break before starting summer job. now have to get up early friday to take cat to vet. really wish I could sleep in but I'm worried. Will get about week off but have to do a lot of movin.g will do my best to ask for lots of help as I can. It's okay to make mistakes and not get a perfect score. My best is good enough. It's ok if I get an average or low grade if I did my best. I worked hard and prepared the best I could. I most likely will do adequately and that's the best I can do. It's ok to make mistakes and my best is good enough. I deserve to rest too.

Anxious for gi final tomorrow. Feel like I ran out of time for so much information. I really didd my best though and that's all I can do.

Hard to see people posting today and saying they have a good support system.

If I'm honest, this year has been really hard, but I am glad to be half a doctor. I've been really struggling with my mental health because of dysfunctional family issues and the loss of a family member recently. So much of the time it is just me doing everything on my own. I worked so hard to change careers and go back to vet school in my 30s, which I'm still not sure if I should have done a different degree like a phD but I am at where I am at and have had amazing opportunities to work with wildlife species like I wanted since I was young. I am still shy and struggling with opening up but I am grateful for friends from vet school and elsewhere that have been there for me and of course my amazing kitty cat who is has been there for me since his day 1 gotcha day. I am glad to have some time to be outside and enjoy summer after finishing this big year.

Hi am doing okay. Started summer job. Very overwhelming with summer job, the timing of contacting volunteers before going out each day, like what if I go out by myself and miss something

So many different lakes and emails to keep track of. Need to remember to get newfound lake materials tomorrow. I like Emilie but haven't had a roommate in 10 yrs. Feel sensitive to the lack of privacy. Doing my best to be friendly. Wish I could go to support group, would need to drive somewhere and use my hot spot.

Wow haven't posted in a while I guess. Was lonely with lots of people gone this weekend. Doing my best. Miss him every day and can't stop thinking about him. Don't know how I will ever have feelings for someone else. Hope I can meet up with this girl and the new online friends. Should try to go to support group tomorrow. It is hard to make time for but it did help a lot. the loneliness and longing are so hard. wish I had a friend to talk to. Maybe one of these people online. Why do I dread my job so much. Afraid of making mistakes getting yelled at. I'm doing my best with a difficult and confusing job and that's all I can do.

Hello. Am doing ok. Support group is helping a lot. Worried about meeting with roommates. Took first step towards dealing with externships today. Feeling a lot of anxiety about that but proud I took first step. Next step is probably to make a list, maybe of three I want to apply to from match website or Nancy's list and make an excel spreadsheet. I feel frustrated with girl flaking on Sunday. Also not sure if I trust these people on the dating app or if I feel ready. Going to take one step at a time.

I think now my phone is not working from rainstorm today. :( That is very scary because I really depend on the maps. Need to try to get new one tomorrow. Feel stupid for not getting screen protector. Will definitely get one this time. I did the best I could with dealing with my phone and being outside a lot.

Felt lonely today a lot. Had dream about my ex and also about my brother. I miss them so much. I just feel such a sense of longing for him a lot of the time. I am running out of time to see someone here. Probably will start again in a few weeks in Boston. Maybe August 5th something. try to stay in the present moment and connect with friends and do fun things. Trying to be open to new people coming into my life.

Negative thoughts that are coming up: I will fail. I will do something to mess it up. I feel so scared. It's okay to make mistakes and all you can do is try your best and take it one step at a time. It feels scaring because it is important to me but it's not black and white. I have many opportunities and it will be ok. I just have to go one step at a time. I deserve kindness even if I am not perfect and my best is enough.