Day's One Line A Day
Frustrated that I made mistakes on neuro hw. I still got an A on it though. It's ok to make mistakes. Always feel lonely and sad before I go to bed. I went to support group today but it's so hard to share things there sometimes. I try to tell myself I am doing my best to show up and share a little more each time.
@Daydreamer47
Showing up is already a huge step! You’ll get there be patient with yourself <3💜
@Daydreamer47
Hello, I am doing okay today. I had a study session with my friends, which helped a lot to feel better about this exam on Friday. I am behind a little on other subjects, but I did catch up a little today. Also went for a run, felt a bit out of shape still but a little improved lol :)
Took some step towards plans for summer. Next step is to make a post on social media to find someone to sublet. I am thinking of either asking that person to look after my cat or trying to get a separate person to take him. I am anxious about leaving him in the care of someone I don't know well, but just need to take one step at a time and weigh my options I guess.
Have been trying to be social cuz I still feel lonely every day. My school is having an ultimate frisbee group. I am not very good so kind of intimidated but feel like I really need to be social.
Hi, studied a lot for big skeletal path exam tomorrow. Feeling stressed but ok about it. I also have fear of failure. Try to tell myself it is ok to make mistakes and not get perfect score. I prepared a lot and worked hard and that's all I can do.
Feelings about college alumni event on Saturday. It always brings up feelings of nostalgia/regret about college and wondering if I should move closer to my old college, but I would be away from family, old friends if did that. Try to tell myself it is not all or nothing thinking, I have gone back to visit a lot and I could always try living there temporarily at a later time.
I am feeling a bit stressed to figure out my plans to sublet my apartment and find somewhere safe for my cat to be. I did get two responses about the sublet, and I am not sure which is the best option. One person would watch my cat but they have a dog, so I might need to find some way to fence off part of the room with a pet gate so my cat is not too scared. The other person was two pets which is way too many for my cat to stay there. So they would pay full price while I would try to find someone at school to pay to take my cat for the summer, maybe in a guest room somewhere (put they might have other pets too :/) I guess I need to wait and weigh my options. I am mostly worried about my cat, and also don't want to end up paying the full cost of my rent while I'm not there. Also will I need to get a storage unit...I hate asking people for help moving but I may need to.
Feeling ok today. Made some progress on cardio and clin pharm. Got flooded with messages about the sublet. Replied to a few of them. A bit overwhelmed with having to say no to people, but I need to do what is best for me and I guess next is to have people visit and talk to the landlord and go from there because she has to approve them anyway.
Talked to my friend Alyssia about my ex. She said it doesn't hurt to see if he wants to talk. I wasn't sure if that was the right thing to do, so I texted him "are you open to talking. If not, it's okay, don't want to push boundaries". He didn't respond today, so I guess that is a no. I feel like I embarassed myself doing that, because he had said "no, that's fine" before but I didn't know if that meant just that he didn't want support or he really wanted me to leave him alone (but probably I thought that's what it meant). I feel bad that I may have made him feel like I didn't respect the boundary but I did the best I could to see if it was ok to ask for clarification. Tryin to tell myself it is okay to make mistakes.
Haven't been the most productive today but finally finished cardio lectures. Wanted to get more of my study outline done but I did start a little.
Really angry at my brother. I am going to file a tax extension even though I don't really need to because I have a refund just to placate him. I feel angry because I feel judged. I physically have very limited time right now. I have an assignment due at midnight and class all day tomorrow plus an exam Friday. I am angry at receiving extra pressure when I was going to him to finally receive some help without judgment. Plus I feel like I have done research to understand the issue and I hate my family members assuming I don't know anything because I'm younger. What I want to say. I filed and extension even though the research indicates I didn't need to because I have a refund. I feel annoyed because I physically have little time right now and have to be more realistic and my wellbeing matters as well. I felt judged and just wanted to have someone to ask questions and receive help because I can't go to my parents for help with this because they will be judgmental and put me down. I feel frustrated because I really hoped you would be more understanding and I am feeling judged again. And I it's not about being too emotional the information really says there is no penalty if you have a refund and I need to be realistic about my time and what I can actually get done instead of blinding following a rule that makes no sense when it is literally possible to file an extension.
@Daydreamer47 I filed the federal extension. That way I can have more time and I don't owe any taxes any way so it says it will be fine.
"I filed an extension for my federal, and I am getting a refund and don't owe any money. I did in fact do research about my options to make this choice. There are multiple sources of information including turbotax, HR block that say if you are getting a refund there is no penalty. I would obviously only exercise this option in the case of emergency where I am deeply pressed for time, and that is literally my circumstances currently. Under normal circumstances I would of course file by the deadline, but the amount of things I have on my plate makes that nearly impossible right now. I have an assignment due at midnight, class on Tuesday and need to drive to another state tomorrow night because I have a clinic at 7:30am on Wednesday. I have 7 exams in a row, including three more big exams. I know you were just trying to help but, I felt frustrated with having extra pressure put on me when I have been researching my options and need to make my own choice about what is best for me. I don't think it's good to make choices based on anxiety instead of the evidence of what the options are and taking into account taking care of myself as well. I just wanted someone to ask questions about taxes so I could receive support because I feel like I really wasn't properly taught by mom and dad who yelled at me when "teaching" me so I haven't felt comfortable asking them any questions. I just wanted a safe person to ask for help so I can feel more confident in the skill.
Upset about email from my mom who seemed to take things personally and be defensive instead of listening. I want to respond to her over the phone but need to talk to counselor and find the mental space for it. Also, may be an issue of finding another family counselor over the summer but would need to pick carefully.
I think I would like to build up support elsewhere and keep trying to ask other people for help and advice so I feel like I don't feel like I have to interact with my parents and be mistreated because I don't have anyone else to help me.
I want to talk to my counselor about making that a goal and trying to take steps towards it the next time.
Also my apartment is so *** cold. I am wearing so many layers plus heated blanket and still feel like I am in tremendous physical pain from how cold it is. I ordered a space heater online but will take a week to get here. I tried to find one at the store today but couldn't find one.
I feel the same everyday before i go to bed. Sometimes even in the day. The feeling is weird and it hurts me way too much. I feel you. Proud of your A btw, good job!
Sorry for the reply days late lol. I only joined recently and was going through your journal
Feeling okay today. Felt a bit better from studying with my friends today. I was still 1 minute late to class today, but better than before. I have a huge fear of the prof yelling at me or others judging me for being late but I am doing my best and dealing with my own struggles.
Letting things with my mom just rest for now until can talk to therapist. Not sure how much energy I want to keep spending on my parents, have kind of given up. I think it's not really wanting to repair things but feeling a panic of not having support. After this week neuro exam, I will go to new NAMI support group. Over summer , I could even go to a zoom support group every day if I wanted to.
My brother was annoying and still a bit grumpy but he did answer my questions. Idk so also with him he is not like the best source of warmth and encouragement but maybe it is worth continuing to try to ask questions and if he scolds me again, need to tell him how I felt.
Want to practice roleplaying with counselor more difficult conversations, trying to stand up for myself in the moment and try to be confident.
I miss my ex and it feels like a strong hole in my social life and a lot of needs not being met in terms of hugs/cuddles and emotional intimacy too. But I am doing best I can to lean into friendships rn.