Personal space 🌿
TW : The posts can be depressing
I feel like creating a space of my own here.
You can respond if you feel like. 🌿
Hey, I'm back.
I'm feeling more alone than I ever did and what can be a better space than this to mention this?
Yesterday was a really rough day for me. Cried all day long. I'm too tired of my physical and mental health issues. My body is so weak that it hurts. It hurts when you want to fix everything but you can't. It hurts when you want to talk to a friend but you're a mess yourself. Only end up making everything worse. It hurts when you're not able to help your family in any way. It hurts when you love people but have no energy to show it. It just hurts when you want to do so much but you can't even sit. It hurts when your parents start to believe you shouldn't do a job because your health would never allow you to and you should get married. It hurts when you know a marriage can't fix you because who would want to bear with a forever sick person hehe.
This year I faced a lot of my fears. I'm actually proud of myself but I'm tired. There are days when I lose hope. There are days where I take myself off this world in my sleep and when I'm traveling on the same roads, those thoughts come across.
It hurts when your love goes so deep that you have to push people away to keep them safe. Make them hate you without wanting to do it.
My therapist is leaving soon and I'm quite emotional. Grateful as well.
She didn't give up on me and that itself means so much that it makes me cry. Bought a diary for her and made two cards yesterday. Hope she likes them. Another therapist will join me next month. I'm just feeling low..started journaling 2 days back. Hoping to keep up with that.
Till then, bye my digital fam. Sometimes you give me some peace because I can't talk to anyone I'm close to. Can't hurt them anymore. ❤️
Some days, all I want is love.
I feel lifeless these days..as if I'm just breathing and still trying really hard to get through. Too tired to say anything to anyone.
Um..updates, I guess.
I had some pretty rough days but I'm trying everyday. I'm carrying a lot of guilt because an argument happened at my home because of my mental health. It sucks really. Not being able to fix yourself right away and troubling everyone..
Either oversharing or remaining quiet. Not being able to figure out how to fix yourself.
It hurts so much when you end up hurting people in some way. The people you love the most. The people who matter to you the most.
Not being able to text/call your people because you feel extremely protective about them and don't want to be around them.
Loving everyone from a distance is so hard and I've been doing it since forever... sometimes it feels like I've been doing the same to me.
Don't even know if someone can relate to me at this point. Honestly, now I just want to make myself silent after making so much effort to speak up. (Tough job haha)
When I speak up, there's a trouble. When I don't, there's a trouble.
I guess writing is the best thing for me... but it just misses a human touch. I miss being human. Yes, these are all parts of being human but I just can't feel anyone around me ....that constant feeling of everyone being tired of you. You getting tired of yourself. Also, being innocent has its own price. People constantly feel you're either hiding something or being cunning... that's the weirdest thing ever that I always faced. Sometimes your love for people is what hurts you the most. Isn't it?
I just don't want to disappoint the people who have put their efforts in me. I hope I never give up. :)
Hello darkness, my old friend ❤️
At least I don't need words to tell you how I feel. You won't blame me for my thoughts. You won't tell me that everything's in my head alone. I don't have words to talk today. Maybe I'll never have them. So, I'd probably hug you and sleep.
@Stormandshelter Hey :) It's nice to see you. It's hard not having words. Sometimes it's as though all the words are there but they just won't come out. Or it just takes more energy than I have to let them out
Hi! Thank you for always responding<3
Yes, true. I think it's also because at some point you get tired of explaining your pain and still receiving the same
@Stormandshelter Omgosh yes. It's really hard finding someone that you can talk with. So many people think you should let it go and move on or they ask aren't you over that yet? Or they give platitudes and say it'll get better. None of that is helpful at all
@mytwistedsoul
True. That can be disheartening and demotivating. I'm trying to process these responses every day but they can take a toll on you. It's easy to say not to think about them if you haven't dealt with mental health issues for so many years..
I'm not saying people don't go through difficult phases but it's a lot more painful when you've been in the same phase for too long
@Stormandshelter We all handle things differently too. Two people can go through similar things but there can be two entirely distractions to it
@mytwistedsoul
You're absolutely right!
I'm glad we connected though. Even though it's in posts, I appreciate it very much. <3
You're really kind and I hope you treat yourself the same way because you have that love within you.. It can be seen even from a distance. I wish you healing 🌻
@Stormandshelter Autocorrect got me lol. "Two entirely different reactions"
@mytwistedsoul
Haha! I think I read it correctly.
You can tag me, too!
Yes, I face similar issues. I haven't forgiven myself yet and find it difficult as well because of not being able to heal. That's another kind of guilt. We're trying and that's what matters <3
Having a bad morning. Had to postpone my therapy session. I don't feel like talking there at the moment...and the therapist's response on the text was cold too. My previous therapist was far better but she's not here anymore. I might text her someday just to stay in touch I think. This therapist is judgemental towards me and blames me for everything:/
Because of that I couldn't go to even have my medicine from there...
Hopefully, I will be able to make my day better myself 🐥
Forgot to ask you. What can I call you here?
@StormandshelterMost people here call me Soul or Twist. Are you ok with Storm?
I'm sorry you had a bad morning. Did the rest of the day get any better? For me usually the morning sets the tone for the rest of the day
If the therapist is coming across cold and judgemental no wonder you don't feel like talking there. And to have her blame you? Wow that not right at all. Therapists are supposed to be that one safe person that you can talk to. Have you thoughts about looking for another one? It took me 4 different ones until I met the one I have now. And then to not be able to get your meds? That's not right at all. You definitely deserve better
I really hope your day got better :)
@mytwistedsoul
Hi Soul! I choose this name hehe because it sounds emotional. Does that make sense? I struggle with explaining stuff in words.
The truth is somehow I can't share my deepest thoughts. They're extremely depressing and my brain usually creates a barrier if I try to communicate them. I don't even feel like sharing them there when someone's sitting right across me. They're pushing me too hard at this point and it's making it even more difficult to process my thoughts and not feeling guilty about not being able to share them or heal. And he compared his issues with mine kind of telling me everything was in my head. He's a new therapist only and I know I should give him some chances but that one conversation closed me off in many ways and I feel extremely anxious about therapy now. Even my parents tried to convince me to at least communicate with him but I feel drained. I don't feel like talking to anybody in person for some time.
It sucks when you have attachment issues too. I struggle so much with opening up because of the fact that I have been ab.used in the past by the very people I trusted the most. I can't seem to put that trust in anybody (sometimes it's something to escape the opposite). My therapist unknowingly turned my fears to reality again by judging those thoughts I couldn't share before.
At this point, I don't know how to help myself and I don't know how to open myself to recieve help. I feel trapped.
Every single time I try to get help, I'm disrespected. People treat me as if it's a sin to be depressed. As if I do it to myself on purpose. They treat me differently, see me differently. I hate this kind of disrespect. I'd rather be on my own and live or not or whatever but these things are too much for me to handle because of all that I've seen in the past. I can't take more pain now. I can live with my own but I can't survive with the blame they keep putting on me. I've given up on fighting long ago. I have zero energy to do it.
I don't think I can go for therapy for some time.
@Stormandshelter I'm so sorry I didn't see this post until now :(
@Stormandshelter
please send some luv. thanks<3
@Stormandshelter sending lots of love ❤️ and hugs if ok
I'm glad your day got better and it's ok to need distractions. I keep myself pretty busy too so I don't think about things too much
Do you know what caused the dizziness? Has it passed now?
Umm I'm back, I guess(?)
Don't have anything to say though. Sometimes all you want is to sit in silence and drown in your own misery because no one cares:33
Anyone else? Didn't have a bad day and yet I can't feel ok. There are a lot of things going in my bad but I'm tired of my thoughts and just don't know what to say anymore. My thoughts seem senseless to me