Personal space 🌿
TW : The posts can be depressing
I feel like creating a space of my own here.
You can respond if you feel like. 🌿
Hey, I'm back.
I'm feeling more alone than I ever did and what can be a better space than this to mention this?
Yesterday was a really rough day for me. Cried all day long. I'm too tired of my physical and mental health issues. My body is so weak that it hurts. It hurts when you want to fix everything but you can't. It hurts when you want to talk to a friend but you're a mess yourself. Only end up making everything worse. It hurts when you're not able to help your family in any way. It hurts when you love people but have no energy to show it. It just hurts when you want to do so much but you can't even sit. It hurts when your parents start to believe you shouldn't do a job because your health would never allow you to and you should get married. It hurts when you know a marriage can't fix you because who would want to bear with a forever sick person hehe.
This year I faced a lot of my fears. I'm actually proud of myself but I'm tired. There are days when I lose hope. There are days where I take myself off this world in my sleep and when I'm traveling on the same roads, those thoughts come across.
It hurts when your love goes so deep that you have to push people away to keep them safe. Make them hate you without wanting to do it.
My therapist is leaving soon and I'm quite emotional. Grateful as well.
She didn't give up on me and that itself means so much that it makes me cry. Bought a diary for her and made two cards yesterday. Hope she likes them. Another therapist will join me next month. I'm just feeling low..started journaling 2 days back. Hoping to keep up with that.
Till then, bye my digital fam. Sometimes you give me some peace because I can't talk to anyone I'm close to. Can't hurt them anymore. ❤️
Some days, all I want is love.
I feel lifeless these days..as if I'm just breathing and still trying really hard to get through. Too tired to say anything to anyone.
Um..updates, I guess.
I had some pretty rough days but I'm trying everyday. I'm carrying a lot of guilt because an argument happened at my home because of my mental health. It sucks really. Not being able to fix yourself right away and troubling everyone..
Either oversharing or remaining quiet. Not being able to figure out how to fix yourself.
It hurts so much when you end up hurting people in some way. The people you love the most. The people who matter to you the most.
Not being able to text/call your people because you feel extremely protective about them and don't want to be around them.
Loving everyone from a distance is so hard and I've been doing it since forever... sometimes it feels like I've been doing the same to me.
Don't even know if someone can relate to me at this point. Honestly, now I just want to make myself silent after making so much effort to speak up. (Tough job haha)
When I speak up, there's a trouble. When I don't, there's a trouble.
I guess writing is the best thing for me... but it just misses a human touch. I miss being human. Yes, these are all parts of being human but I just can't feel anyone around me ....that constant feeling of everyone being tired of you. You getting tired of yourself. Also, being innocent has its own price. People constantly feel you're either hiding something or being cunning... that's the weirdest thing ever that I always faced. Sometimes your love for people is what hurts you the most. Isn't it?
I just don't want to disappoint the people who have put their efforts in me. I hope I never give up. :)
Hello darkness, my old friend ❤️
At least I don't need words to tell you how I feel. You won't blame me for my thoughts. You won't tell me that everything's in my head alone. I don't have words to talk today. Maybe I'll never have them. So, I'd probably hug you and sleep.
@Stormandshelter Hey :) It's nice to see you. It's hard not having words. Sometimes it's as though all the words are there but they just won't come out. Or it just takes more energy than I have to let them out
Hi! Thank you for always responding<3
Yes, true. I think it's also because at some point you get tired of explaining your pain and still receiving the same
@Stormandshelter Omgosh yes. It's really hard finding someone that you can talk with. So many people think you should let it go and move on or they ask aren't you over that yet? Or they give platitudes and say it'll get better. None of that is helpful at all
@mytwistedsoul
True. That can be disheartening and demotivating. I'm trying to process these responses every day but they can take a toll on you. It's easy to say not to think about them if you haven't dealt with mental health issues for so many years..
I'm not saying people don't go through difficult phases but it's a lot more painful when you've been in the same phase for too long
@StormandshelterMost people here call me Soul or Twist. Are you ok with Storm?
I'm sorry you had a bad morning. Did the rest of the day get any better? For me usually the morning sets the tone for the rest of the day
If the therapist is coming across cold and judgemental no wonder you don't feel like talking there. And to have her blame you? Wow that not right at all. Therapists are supposed to be that one safe person that you can talk to. Have you thoughts about looking for another one? It took me 4 different ones until I met the one I have now. And then to not be able to get your meds? That's not right at all. You definitely deserve better
I really hope your day got better :)
@mytwistedsoul
Hi Soul! I choose this name hehe because it sounds emotional. Does that make sense? I struggle with explaining stuff in words.
The truth is somehow I can't share my deepest thoughts. They're extremely depressing and my brain usually creates a barrier if I try to communicate them. I don't even feel like sharing them there when someone's sitting right across me. They're pushing me too hard at this point and it's making it even more difficult to process my thoughts and not feeling guilty about not being able to share them or heal. And he compared his issues with mine kind of telling me everything was in my head. He's a new therapist only and I know I should give him some chances but that one conversation closed me off in many ways and I feel extremely anxious about therapy now. Even my parents tried to convince me to at least communicate with him but I feel drained. I don't feel like talking to anybody in person for some time.
It sucks when you have attachment issues too. I struggle so much with opening up because of the fact that I have been ab.used in the past by the very people I trusted the most. I can't seem to put that trust in anybody (sometimes it's something to escape the opposite). My therapist unknowingly turned my fears to reality again by judging those thoughts I couldn't share before.
At this point, I don't know how to help myself and I don't know how to open myself to recieve help. I feel trapped.
Every single time I try to get help, I'm disrespected. People treat me as if it's a sin to be depressed. As if I do it to myself on purpose. They treat me differently, see me differently. I hate this kind of disrespect. I'd rather be on my own and live or not or whatever but these things are too much for me to handle because of all that I've seen in the past. I can't take more pain now. I can live with my own but I can't survive with the blame they keep putting on me. I've given up on fighting long ago. I have zero energy to do it.
I don't think I can go for therapy for some time.
@Stormandshelter I'm so sorry I didn't see this post until now :(
Hey hey! You don't have to feel bad about it. You can reply whenever you have the time and energy to do so. 🫶🏻🌱
Yes, you're right. We can't trust everyone. He was even pushing me to trust people but that can't happen right away after so much of trauma. He has been in my therapy as he was the one who diagnosed my issues but he wasn't my main therapist. So, he has joined me as a therapist just now. I know. He definitely made me feel guilty about everything. Blamed me for everything. Didn't say a single positive thing and counted the flaws in every effort I've made in these past few months. He made me feel I'm not trying hard enough. And yes, there are good days and bad days. I definitely don't feel like going.. haven't texted or called yet. And the fact that when I told him to shift my session as I was sick and sad (because of that conversation), he sounded passive aggressive in the text.
I know it's not easy to open up. And the fact that most of the people I've opened up with have either used me or made me feel lesser/inferior to them. They have made me feel about asking for help. About not being 'strong enough'. Because of which there is already always a guilt in the back of my mind whenever I ask for help. He even accepted it by saying I have an anxious avoidant attachment style. So, I rarely seek that level of comfort. Me being in therapy is itself a miracle. It took a lot for me to ask for help and more than three months to open up, only to hear that it's in my 'head'. ;-;
And right, no one chooses to be depressed. And when you hear such things from a therapist, it's more difficult tbh because they're professionals. They're supposed to believe in you and understand. Maintain the professionalism.
He didn't blame me for what happened. He simply blamed me for not trying hard enough (that's what he assumes) and not being positive. I have worked hard to get out of that fake image of mine. An image of a happy woman. Finally, when I'm saying things the way I feel... that's wrong too.
I do journal but sometimes it's definitely tiring. So, I can relate to that.
You're allowed to ask a lot of questions hehe. I actually appreciate it. I'm a curious hooman myself.
I know you don't. You have read most of my posts and it gives me a sense of comfort that someone's there. You don't have to read every post of mine but I just want to let you know that it's really sweet of you that you take out time to respond. 🫶🏻
And that's totally alright! You take your time and take care of yourself first <3
I think sometimes I'm just venting out hehe and it's not that I need urgent help. Even if I do, I rarely text people at that point of time because I'm usually low on energy because of physical health issues and when I'm stressed, I just feel like resting. So, no problem at all! I'm doing better. Not physically but mentally definitely better today.
How have you been? 🌻
@Stormandshelter Thank you - I hope you know too that there's never any obligations or timeline to reply to me either :)
Yup. Sometimes I'm really low on energy to respond.
I know. It made me question myself and I don't know if I want to give him more chances because he didn't seem interested at all. Perhaps, it's because I've been there for too long and now they're just drained. I've no clue. I didn't tell them to keep my session and they did it themselves. It definitely made me feel too anxious to go back. So much that I don't have my meds anymore:/
True. I don't think he understands the gravity of his words and how much they can impact me. His tone seemed to be like saying you're okay, it's all in your head and you're just not trying. Something along the lines, you know. And I wouldn't have been there if I could help myself. I took therapy after 6-7 years of depression because I always thought it was in my head and didn't believe in myself. And now there's this professional who's repeating my own negative thoughts to me.
I know you're very careful with your words. I want to let you know that I'm very chill as a person hehe. 💛
It was different with the therapist because of the disrespectful way of talking. I don't get angry easily and I wasn't. I was just hurt.
Yes, true. They don't:/
I'm waking up from nightmares for the past two days. Cried in the morning.
I understand. Well, you don't have to hide it here. This is our safe space. You can share your thoughts here or simply vent whenever you feel like it. You matter. 💛🌻
@Stormandshelter If you've been seeing a therapist for awhile and you don't have much improvement or in a case like this where he's making you more anxious and repeating your negative thoughts back - it might be a good idea to try and find someone else. ( I just read an article about this lol) There's no point in having a therapist you're uncomfortable with :( especially if he's just making you feel worse. I've learned that just because someone has a degree in something - it doesn't necessarily mean they're any good at their job :/
Hi! Sorry, I couldn't respond yesterday. I'm still sick hehe.
I understand. I don't think I want to return for therapy again. And you're absolutely right.
I struggle with writing my deepest thoughts or even talking about them. I don't know. I just don't want to see them in front of me, maybe? I do write my thoughts when I'm sad but I don't do that when it's a crisis situation I guess. 🌱
Honestly, I have always tried this hard to get through it. I woke up at 4 to study and do the things I feel like doing just because I need breaks in between.
Sometimes it's just difficult to see yourself working on you all day and still sleep crying. I'm really hoping it gets better with time. I'm not giving up. I don't think I can do that haha. I'm quite stubborn in that sense.🌻
How have you been?
@Stormandshelter Oh no! There's nothing to be sorry for! I'm sorry to hear you're still sick :( I hope you're resting and just taking it easy.
@Stormandshelter
please send some luv. thanks<3
@Stormandshelter sending lots of love ❤️ and hugs if ok
I'm glad your day got better and it's ok to need distractions. I keep myself pretty busy too so I don't think about things too much
Do you know what caused the dizziness? Has it passed now?
Umm I'm back, I guess(?)
Don't have anything to say though. Sometimes all you want is to sit in silence and drown in your own misery because no one cares:33
Anyone else? Didn't have a bad day and yet I can't feel ok. There are a lot of things going in my bad but I'm tired of my thoughts and just don't know what to say anymore. My thoughts seem senseless to me
