Out of The Corner/In The World
Hi! Some of you might know of my other space here, In the corner. Or just, "the corner" in my head. This is the world! I.e this is me learning to "adult" (what?), get out of my comfort zone, accept my flaws, seek the positives in life, etc etc! My journey out of the comfort zone, basically. And it's going to be rocky, it's going to be real hard, and I'm going to end up in the corner venting about something more times than not, probably, but it's a step, I think.
Let's get out of the corner! (That was kinda cheesy!)
I dont reply to you guys sometimes. Hppe the hearts are enough 😅 appreciate everything yall say, always
Really, Eyes? You appreciate everything we say on here?...everything?
If that's the case, then I need to turn it up a notch. 😉
I just ranted about family drama here. And deleted it because you know. Privacy. But
I could use a pillow to scream into, right bout now
Ugh. The anxiety of today- they got their urdu papers but i didnt go today. Mine is with one girl who i messaged at 2- its almost 11 and no response! I didnt tell mom they got theirs, or anyone, and ive been rushing to the phone several times to make sure im the first one to see. If i failed i need to know first god dammit. Well, nothing i can do about it, but so eerie, so uncomfortable! The calm before the storm. I am hoping for more than 50%, but atleast pass! I keep thinking of all the shortcomings sir might find, he is so strict in marking
What was that? Had to answer a gazillion questions trying to log in just now. In the end it said personalizing your dashboard and finally showed me the homepage.
I need money.
I hate the thought, partially because i have an irrational dislike for money, and partially because i dont see how i can get any.
I cant get a job, not unless its work from home. And you know how hard it is to get work from home jobs. Imagine trying without a degree.
I have some money in my name. Ok, not so less as i make it out to be. Depends where you live, okay, i dont know finances. But its with mom. Probably in her bank.
Useless for me.
I dont know. I dont know. Dont even get an allowance. I have a few notes with me, and mom gives me some money for college supplies, but id hv to lie to save it, and i lie for a lot of things- but i cant lie for money
Trying to escape your home? It kinda sounds like it....
@slowdecline48 yes and no. Preparing for the possibility of it.
Im sick of lying. It burdens me, keeps me awake. But honesty is dangerous. If it gets too much...
I need money 🤷♀️
Sounds like you're getting desperate...be careful with that. Desperation leads to rash decisions, mistakes, screwups. But if life at home is becoming truly intolerable... *sigh* 😒
Yes, you will definitely need money if you're thinking of flight. The road is never for free, not for anyone. Better figure out a plan, & contingency plans for when your original plan gets disrupted--as it inevitably will. I must also add that as a 16-year-old girl running by herself, the odds would be very much against you. Your mother may be a horrible person & perhaps you don't get along with your sister...but. There are far worse people in this world & the longer you're out on the streets without a roof, the more likely it is you will run into one.
I mean my classmate no ill. But she has my urdu paper and she didnt come today and she ignored my saturday message asking of my marks so can she please stop killing me? Please? 😀
@unassumingEyes Whether you have ill will or not is beside the point. Your classmate needs to bring the godd**n paper to you already. Have you texted her that yet?
@slowdecline48 hah, no. Im assuming she has a good, sane reason to keep me in suspense.
Mom, however, found out about the whole thing and has apparently decided that theres no worse thing than having to wait to find out my marks. Should have seen her rage! I told her the poor girl might be ill to be ignoring me, and she was about ready to take my head off 😆
That ain't funny.
...your mom's reaction, I mean. She had no call to be angry about a situation that you have no control over.
Normally I am not one to insult the family of someone I'm talking to but I gotta say: at this point your mother sounds like an iron-sided b***h from inside a h€llhound's intestines. Your dad sounds like a decent man overall...if we ever met, I'd ask him when after he met your mother, what was he thinking?! ....I can only guess that in his case, love was truly blind.
@slowdecline48 oh, I ask him that in my mind several times. Oh, well
(Also I got 37/60 in urdu. Yes, passing! 61%. Moms in a good mood so she didn't go into a whole lecture on "you cld have done better" and im just pleased that I did better than the last exam)
Congrats! You're a smart girl; we all know it. You will attain Urdu proficiency in time, no doubt.
@unassumingEyes Way to go! I had my fingers crossed that you'd pass! 😀
@mytwistedsoul @slowdecline thanks guys 🫶 that was really nice to read 😃
More family drama. Ah, way to ruin a nice day. In other words way to ruin moms mood.
I dont know what the update is. Mom and aunt are conversing (and naming lots of relatives i dont know, so this is spreading-) so thats not a good sign 😀
(Ok i stopped typing for a min as i cld hear aunts voice msgs- so now i know sort of whats up xD)
This is a right mess. Not my issue, obviously, (and what was a 16yr old girl gonna do about her grandmother being rash anyways?) but you know, selfish or not, i really was relieved to have mom in such a pleasant mood today 🫥
My mom :
(Okay hold on i was- gonna cry- sorry
Um one sec
Okay we're good)
Mom said that
Okay nope i cant say it without...oookay i cant say it. Shes not insulting me dw not even talking to me its not a big deal but um. Well. I mean. I cant explain it
@unassumingEyes (offers safe hugs) I'm glad she wasn't insulting you and it's ok 💙 somethings are hard to explain
@unassumingEyes You have no obligation to tell us everything about your family life. Don't listen to anyone who says anything different. Some things can be hard to discuss even with family &/or close friends...how much more so with acquaintances on the Net who you don't really know that well!
@unassumingEyes "I trust my kids and I respect their opinion. I trust them and they trust me."
Its just weird. How she knows how to seem like just an amazing mother, but not how to be one- or atleast, not this.
Today one of my friends asked the other, 'Does your mom ever scold you for losing marks?'
"No. You?"
"No."
I was...unhinged the rest of the day. Continuously on edge- or did i ever stop being on edge since sunday? Im laughing too loud, raging too fast- even caught myself by surprise with a sudden outburst of anger in the room.
I remember being 12 and thinking, just 6 more years, and legally, if i left home, i wouldnt be running away. Id be an adult, moving out.
Theres less than 2 years left. I dont know if i can leave 2 years later. I dont know if i can wait till 2 years later.
I do know that leaving mom means leaving dad, sis and all other relatives. No contact is the loneliest option ahead of me. Rationally, i think it is the option i need to avoid. Which means stay, wait it out, maybe even more than 2 years...
...and my parents will be funding my uni if i dont move out, so if i do move out i wouldnt even have a *** degree...
And in roughly 7 years dadll be looking for a marriage proposal for me...
And what if i dont convert islam, by then or ever? A muslim man can not marry a non muslim woman (and vice versa). I wouldnt have the heart to decieve a man...but i would have to tell mom and dad that im not muslim...and then i better hope i can get a job cuz thats risking the streets...
Best course of action i can see: stay, put everything i got into 11th and 12th so i can get into medical university, survive mbbs, become a doctor, if not a muslim by then (or ever) tell parents, move out. Why mbbs? Because doctors have jobs. Pakistan needs doctors, noones crazy enough to reject one, and with a degree even opening a clinic wouldnt be so difficult. Safety over interest.
But to get into medical uni, i also need to get the *** over myself, stop zoning out, stop freaking out, stop lashing out, and fix my *** urdu.
@unassumingEyes In rough situations, keeping your head level is always easier said than done... Sometimes we just can't. Sometimes the situation is so bad that it gets under one's skin & one reacts, because it can't be helped. In that instance, the best option may be to leave the situation for good. For you, I don't know if it is true or not...only you can say for sure.
Whatever you do, may the wind be at your back & the waters be smooth.
Surprise! XD
Dads here, again! For one week. *frollicks around*
Mom and sis are very offendidly watching me be more energetic and clean up etc now that hes here. Theyre like wheres this energy for us?
Take a damn guess xD
But yes im definitely a way better person around my dad :) no regrets lol
And we're going to do the, what did i call it earlier? You know, "begrudgingly part with grandmother on good temrs before she does the thing she really shouldnt be doing"
Or whatever
Oh, i dont care, my cousins live there. Im just gonna hang out with them. Dads going to ask aunt and family to come aswell so its going to be like a grand reunion
Chances of grand reunion turning into an adult fight due to tensions? 50-50
Meh
Anyways i asked for us to go late cuz i hv tests tmrrw (took today off)
@unassumingEyes If the impromptu family reunion erupts into conflict, stay out of it. You summed up the situation at home & what you want to do in the previous entry... letting yourself get roped into the same old Punch & Judy show will just drain your energy to no purpose. (We both know you don't have a lot of energy to begin with, because of your chronic stuff...ARFID &/or whatever else)
@slowdecline48 youre always so straight forward. Chronic-! I wouldnt call it that. Adults take health matters so very seriously
Oh, who would i be, butting into family conflict? No, the adults sat in their tense environment and all us younger ones went upstairs and messed about. No better place to be a child than in that home, for me.
@unassumingEyes At the risk of stereotyping, it's partly because I'm a westerner. To varying degrees, we say what we think over here. The downside of that is it makes for a coarse public life...but the positive aspect is, you know where you stand with us.
@slowdecline48 in all honesty, ive never heard of a westener being upfront, so i dont think youre at risk of stereotyping
