Out of The Corner/In The World
Hi! Some of you might know of my other space here, In the corner. Or just, "the corner" in my head. This is the world! I.e this is me learning to "adult" (what?), get out of my comfort zone, accept my flaws, seek the positives in life, etc etc! My journey out of the comfort zone, basically. And it's going to be rocky, it's going to be real hard, and I'm going to end up in the corner venting about something more times than not, probably, but it's a step, I think.
Let's get out of the corner! (That was kinda cheesy!)
Oh! The librarian spoke to me today. She is just an ordinary person, i guess, and everyone raises their eyebrow at me when i get excited at having a convo with her. But for one, its a library and two shes a librarian and three shes nice, and what part of all that isnt absolutely amazing?
Im going to get. off cups now, and do some (more) extra urdu
A quote my dad sent in the group has me disgusted. The ego of man! That a wife is to spend her every waking moment trying to please him, or else it is natural for him to leave her- and if he harms her, physically or not, she must improve herself, and strive to prevent the marriage from being a failure! Its dishonourable for a woman to get divorced- and if a man gets one, she must have been horrible! I am only 16, but with my tendency to think I have fancied the thought of having children, but if all men are going to think like this (and if my dad, who is so wonderful otherwise thinks so too, than who doesnt?) I will gladly avoid marriage, rather than trap myself with something like this. I dont think women deserve more than men, or that they and men are the same, but if I am to be the only one putting effort into a marriage and I am to be the one hurt from it aswell, why would I even agree?
Health remains up and down. Dizziness today. Dad gets vertigo- can that be heriditary? Or is it food related for me? I have 3 meals a day. Smaller meals than they should be, obviously, but its not like im starving. So what gives? Only told mom once. Told sis twice
@unassumingEyes Vertigo can be an indicator of more than one thing. In your case, however...you may not want to hear this & I know it's a real problem for you, but I'll tell you anyway:
Dizziness &/or faintness is one of the symptoms of hunger. By "hunger" I don't mean feeling hungry, but real hunger: chronically insufficient caloric & nutritional intake.
The ARFID--if that's what you have--ain't helpin' none. Even if your vertigo is because of another condition, your food revulsion is likely aggravating it with additional stress on your body. The number of meals per day doesn't matter; total calories consumed + enough vitamins & minerals & fiber do. You could have four to five meals a day, but that means nothing if you eat like a parakeet.
If you're wondering why I posted all that, it's because someone's gotta tell you the real s***. Obviously your mother isn't doing her job competently so she won't tell you....for all I know, that battle-axe wants you to perform like an athlete on bread & water twice a day.
@slowdecline48 hah- no, she wants me to eat, but she wants me to do it like a normal person, and that i cant do, no sirree
Youre preaching what my dads been preaching for years, but i tell you what i tell him. I dont have the slightest idea what to do about it. Im not naive or ignorant, no indeed, and i know being underweight has its consequences alright. But when i cant eat, i cant eat, and when i can eat, i do. What more i can do, i genuinely dont see, and noones been able to tell me that either
There is nothing more you can do--where you are now. Remember that legal adulthood will bring you new options....once you're not living under your mother's roof anymore, then you'll be able to see a professional. Because that's what you need: to get checked out by a specialist in eating disorders. At that point, if I were in your shoes I would travel for a good doctor if I could afford it by then...far as I'm aware, Pakistan is not known for top-notch medical care. Kuwait seems like a better place for that.
@slowdecline48 its all very well to say all that, but one must keep sight of a very necessary thing: money. First thing i can do in adulthood is search my way through the messy employment system in Pakistan and get a job/source of income. And, another thing youre ignoring, neither Kuwait nor your western countries will be open to me. You realize its not all that simple? I can visit Kuwait rn because dad works there- by adulthood, he'll have moved in with us, and i wont have a visa for kuwait. And its not a simple thing to get one either. For kuwait, for western countries. You can say what you want about Pakistan, but your people arent very interested in what becomes of us either. I mean that with respect. So ill make do with our broken economy and broken medical care, and atleast be grateful to have any at all. There are worse things.
@unassumingEyes Of course it's not all that simple; most things in life aren't. I was thinking of your priorities...obviously, priorities aren't always that easy to meet. That's true for people everywhere...yes, even in the US.
As for American perspective of your country, the most ignorant amongst us didn't even know that Pakistan exists until a few years back. (It didn't exist at all until '47--that wasn't so long ago!) It does show up in our news media every so often now...wouldn't be a surprise if it starts to take a place within our collective consciousness over here. Consider:
- Our main geopolitical rival is China, for a few reasons mostly having to do with China's actions & global ambitions.
- China's most important nearby competitor is India.
Those two facts alone make Pakistan a place of some importance, & not just for us. Our foreign focus used to be Russia & its satellite states, but the Cold War finished decades ago.
Also, there is a Pakistani diaspora here (& an Indian one, too)... depending on future events, I predict they will draw popular attention to themselves for whatever cause they will support.
53 in physics. Outta 60. We asked sir- he cut everyones marks- what the *** this was, (excuse the language i am tired and swearing alot mentally rn) and he said our answers were "not upto his standard"
We learnt it. From the book. That he wrote. So. What.
@unassumingEyes That was your introduction to the kind of lackadaisical unfairness that typifies a certain percentage of bureaucrats. In any bureaucracy--all schools with a principal, teachers, etc. are bureaucracies--there will always be at least one flack (usually more) who basically doesn't give a s**t. (S)he does the bare minimum to keep his/her job while letting everything else slide...just marking time until retirement kicks in & (s)he can get those benefits & do what (s)he really wanted to do all along: sit on his/her worthless a*s & vegetate.
Bureaucracies in developing countries tend to have higher percentages of such lackluster functionaries than in nations with discipline, such as 19th-century Japan.
When dealing with such lazy fools, never hold any high expectations.
@slowdecline48 i dont disagree with what you say, but i beg you not to think ill of my sir. He is a good man, and a great teacher. Personally, i believe some other teacher has checked our exams, and thats why he cant explain why so many of our marks have been cut. But he should, i think, have admitted it. As it is, it doesnt matter all that much, but its more than a little weird
Family drama pt. 2
Grandmother has made arrangements to fo something dumb, dangerous, disgraceful, ridiculous, and all of the above's synonyms. Aunt openly protested, mom protested from the sidelines. Hence grandmother vs aunt clash. But now everythings done and arranged and theres no stopping grandmother, so everyones just dealing with the fallout
Its all very chaotic. We might go to see grandmother with aunt in tow, but its not an- what do you say?- Intervention, more of a dejected "if you must do this, id feel more at peace if we parted amiably" kind of thing. Uff. Its not a permanent thing, in 2 months or so the whole deal will be over, but the affects, you must understand. These kind of things- and which kind i do not explain, for my familys sake- these kind of things have effects.
@unassumingEyes Akkhh...terrible. 😔
Family drama can be the worst kind.
Tell me if i victimize myself.
No, i mean that. I know i have an ego, but i cant work on it because i also know that its my ego keeping me safe at all. So. Thats going to have to stay, im very sorry to admit. And i know mom is biased, unfair and a whole mess.
But i also worry that i see myself injured too often. The world is not my enemy. I can say that, but my reactions- i dont think i react accordingly. You guys have any idea?
@unassumingEyes I think everyone has an ego. It's not necessarily a bad thing. It can help maintain your sense of self worth. With your home life the way it is it's definitely a necessity to have an ego.
@mytwistedsoul it does make sense, yeah. I guess its weird because sis and i go through similar (but not same, mind for she is still the favoured) things, but her reactions are controlled, and i am a burst of emotion more often than not
Urdu result comes tmrrw or monday. I admit, i miss the ability to pray to God. As it is, i do pray, but it goes along the line of "i know i have and continue to sin, i know i am wandering around ignorant and lost, i know i am not doing everything in my power to find the truth, please forgive me, please be patient with me" i dont feel comfortable asking for more from a God i am not putting full faith in. It feels hypocrital, like only believing when its useful. Thats not what im trying to do
Anyways, urdu. Just pass, pass, pass
Oh, mom was on a roll today. Whew. Like she was looking for things to be mad about. Twice i got in trouble for nothing. Once, i got yelled at because the cushions where id just got up from were slightly out of place, and my book which id just been reading was on the couch. She does lots of threats, but i never take them seriously. "Clean up before i slap you!" (In urdu) well, i said. What about sis? Her books, papers, pencils were all over the table and couch. "Just do as i tell you" she said. Well, i did, and i didnt mind much then, but its night now and theres been like 5 incidents like this today. Hey, whats the big deal? It gets frustrating.
Twice today i muttered annoyedly at the whole nonsense. Sis sent me warning looks each time. Well. Its all very easy for her to want me to shut up-! Not a word against her was muttered by mom today. I tell myself not to be jealous about such silly things, but i dont do a very good job of it, ill admit that
@mytwistedsoul howve you been, soul? Youre very supportive as always. I hope you have someone supporting you like that too. Lots of teens are very grateful for your forum presence, y'know?
@unassumingEyes I'm ok-ish I guess? Tbh I never know how to answer that question but I really appreciate you asking. 💙 Hey if I'm helping you and any of the others feel heard and maybe (hopefully) giving some good outside perspectives, that makes me happy
@mytwistedsoul
Family drama pt.3
No need to gear up, no big update. Just grandmother called mom and didnt bring up this whole thing shes arranged and is going to do. Just talked about random things, asked how we were, etc. It felt like she was trying to "spy out" how our part of the family would react. Made me uncomfortable, i gotta admit.
@unassumingEyes Sounds like there's some rather toxic relationship dynamics going on in your family...if that's the case, I'm sorry to see it.
