Out of The Corner/In The World

Part of me has just- detached. Im not here. Theres panic over the potential of failing, and anger at mom for ignoring us for no reason, and exhaustion, and im not really- feeling it. Its there. Its too far away. 

Mom made us fast, today, and i do because i have to keep up the pretence, keep appearing to believe, and usually i dont mind fasting, but today i do, because its today

And my brain keeps saying this is important i need to focus i need to do this, get this done and do good in this exam but the bigger part of me right now says im alive im here im in my room and sis is sitting with me and theres sun coming in and what alsd could matter what else could be there what else what else what else

But thats not how the world works thats not how anything works and theres consequences alwaysalwaysalways but i cant care enough and sis calls this ego and maybe it is maybe its toxic but i never blame myself never if i do something wron if im wrong i apologize to anyone hurt by it and i tell myself you cant do that again but i cant blame myself i cant say that if it happened again i wouldnt have done this i cant regret because i feel it everyday that this is my most this is my essence this is my trying and i cnt feel regret when i know better than anyone the whys of what i do 

Okokok positives. Positives. Um. 10 out of 15 hard things done. Done badly but done. Its um 5.30 so theres time to do 5 more hard things and theres i think 6 less hard things. Um. Other positives. Dinner is good, dinner is nice, we'll eat lots. Um. These exams arent finals. Thats positive. Thats definitely positive. Um. The college lost our address, or theres some postal issue or something- thats positive because the report cards dont come home while im at college so i can be in control of mom finding out. I always tell obv but i get to and thats important

More positives. Um. Mom stopped ignoring us shes okay now i think i dont know what happened but everyone gets like that sometimes so im not. Mad. Sis is happy and thats good thats good. Head hurts which is bad but fast is almost over and then panadol and good dinner so its okay. Just worried but yeah. Yeah i feel better now finally thankgod okay okay 

Another positive. Mom added me to an islamic group which is meh but some of my classmates are there and now i have their number on my phone. And my phone is mostly useless but it can do whatsapp and it makes me feel secure to have peoples numbers here. Because thats how much i dont trust mom and i need that. Backup. Need to have someone to call, whenever, always. 

Okay eaten and had that panadol just now and i feel like a three year old but okay okay 

I listed out the work left to sis and sis doesnt even like she didnt do urdu so theoretically she doesnt know but she said hey thats not so bad and now i believe it just like that 

But yeah im going to just do like three things and mcqs and look at stuff but its okay

Aunt vs grandmother clash. I dont know the details- clash was not initial incident, clash was after the phonecall between mom and aunt. They had another phone call again, in which all i could tell is that grandmother is very mad at aunt, and mom is vey pleased with aunt. I have no idea lol

Im not doing any hw today (college starts again tmrrw) so im free. Its 6.35 and i feel like im wasting this rare, free day, but sis tells me to shush and keep doing...whatever it is im doing.

What i am doing is writing a bit in my book, playing games on sister's tabket, bothering sister searching up unis for after college, and just generally existencing in a more sane way than the past few weeks (?) 

My brain says i should be doing extra work, as i normally do when free, to make the rest of my week easier. But- i just gave exams and the college didnt have the decency to give us tmrrw off atleast. Im going to ignore the nagging guilt and just try to relax the day through

The Islamic group i mentioned earlier. Its on whatsapp, and moms the head of it. Females only yada yada yada. It focuses on the 30th parah, and i dont really know how to explain parahs to non muslim. Like a set of chapters in the Quran. There are 30 in total and theres some thing about learning the last one

Thing is, two annoyances. One, she didnt ask me beforehand, just declared that im doing it. Bruh. Second, im already going through (at a snail's rate, but whatdoyouexpect with all my studies) the Quran. Not memorizing, but actual learning. Understanding Quranic Arabic (grammerwise) going through the translation, that kind of thing. Initially i even considered learning the translatiok, but again, studies, so i was sticking to understanding

Well, im in the 2nd chapter, and now moms got me in this. Ive suspended doing the 2nd chapter understanding-wise now, and im going to do the 30th parah with this group instead, with the additional learning aspect for myself. 

I think too much

All these daily cups post- theres a million more of those in my head in a day and very often more than one a time. I drown in it, sometimes. Alot of times. And i worry i share too much here- i dont know boundaries, not really, but it builds up in me, buzzing and buzzing and needing to get out, be told, be heard, and i dont know anyone to tell irl, theres just my uk friend and fear keeps me from telling her things, fear of it being too much, too weird, too me to have her stay, and theres alot wrong with that i know, and i think about that alot too.

Just drowning in it, over and over and over again, and i dont want to think less, no, i want to let it out more, but how when to whom? 

We already started getting results back. Again- thank god the college doesnt have my address!

I got 53/60 in chemistry, but to be fair i was quite sick in that one

51.5/60 in bio (and maam did the weirdest checking! Everyones livid. Also me because what is this)

53/60 in english (but the highest possible is 55- sir gets 1 mark from 5 questions without reason, so technically i only lost two)

Urdu sir is still checking ours but his mood is good so one can hope. Physics sir says we'd get his subjects papers back tomorrow. I didnt tell mom that bit of info 

I dont really care much about my health, to be brutally honest

I dont actively work against being healthy, no, or dislike the idea. Its- well, yall know the eating. And everyones always seen me as weak and somehing fragile and well. Sure i get sicker more often than the average kid, and i am underweight, technically, and i do get tired faster than others but

I guess when you spend a really long time without something, you dont really miss it. I dont feel weak for getting tired faster or sicker sooner because thats all i know, really. I work around the unhealthiness. I know my limits, i know quick fixes for little things, i deal with new issues as they arise (currently, dizziness sometimes and twice so far ive had the weirdest, but very painful headache). So when people say youre unhealthy, i genuinely dont care. 

My dad defends me (and him, only) against people making remarks, but privately he is also disappointed and concerned. He asked me, Dont you feel ashamed when they speak of you like that? About how weak you are?

I replied honestly, that if i felt upset everytime someone remarked about it, id never know a happy moment in my life. It is whatever. Even when texture etc about food doesnt bother me, i still have lesser appetite than anyone i know. So what else?