Eva’s Crazy Mind

are you *** kidding me

what the actual ***

i have no words this is *** sick

i’m *** done

@justmeeva

What happened?/nfta

Safe hugs if okay

@unassumingEyes 

(i’ll write it down in a separate new post so you won’t feel obligated to respond. <3)

just *** leave me alone

it’s so long- and tbh it probably doesn’t sound so bad from a 2nd perspective. but to me it is.

so what happened is that we have that.. let’s say family acquaintance that lives on our street but far enough to not be a neighbour. it’s a family with two children quite some years younger than me. the man had invited me and my sister to go somewhere with him and his children last week. my sister agreed, i declined. too tired. too insecure. too drained. 

he had tried to get me to join them by texting with my mom, offering all kinds of things to “attract” me to go. not in like weird ways just wanted me to go. i declined everything.

a part of their conversation my mom shared with me: 

him: “is there anything that would get her to come?” 

mom: “if i knew i would’ve used it myself already” 

eventually, for whatever reason they didn’t go. i thought nothing of it. “ok.”. 

today, my sister went to their house to play with them. everything was normal. mom came home, called sister so she would come back too. next thing i know, the three of them (man and children) were behind our door, my sister saying to me “eva, you have guests!”. 

the way my face dropped. they were waving to me through the window. calling for me. i hadn’t expected guests. i didn’t want to see anyone. don’t. i went to my room. refused to see them. exchange a single word with them. luckily they stayed outside and didn’t come inside. if mom wasn’t home, they probably honestly would have. my mom tried to get me to go and talk to them. they were calling for me afterall. *** no. i stayed in my room, on my bed. she gave up on me and went to the door instead. “eva probably won’t come out right now”. 

they talked something. i put my headphones on because i didn’t want to hear any of that. eventually they left. my mom came to my room and told me he had said “i won’t leave it at that”. sounds threatening. it’s not a threat tho. it’s not serious. the situation isn’t serious. 

i don’t know what i’m gonna do. i don’t know what i would do if they came when mom wasn’t home. what excuse do i have? that i “don’t want to”? i really, really don’t. but it’s not a reasonable excuse. “oh i’m just depressed and lowkey wish i wasn’t alive”? pfft- no. 

idk how to end this vent. 

um. 

i wanna d!e already <3

@justmeeva

1. Im glad ur still alive 

2. I know they mean well- but you deserve space when you want space :/ 

@justmeeva 

Eva your feelings are always valid ❤️ its not stupid to complain about. People complain about such silly things that never hurt them but this has affected you and thats valid ❤️ and your problems dont need to be reasonable for me- us- to be willing to listen, okay?/nfta 

to nadia <3: @iloveyouxx

so.. i'm not sure if you'll see this, i hope you will though.
the thought of you leaving, permanently.., it's hard to believe honestly. it's times like those that make you think of all the good things. no matter how many struggles you and we have gone through, it wasn't all bad. the friendship we had was definitely worth the world. the fun we had, as much or little as there was of it. the love, the kindness that came from your heart. you're so, so kind and sweet and understanding. 
it's sad. of course it's sad. sad in a whole different kind of way. i don't think goodbyes have been any of our strengths. so it's hard, there's no sugarcoating it. 
i'll miss you. i'll miss you so, so so much. do whatever you want with those words, but you really are always welcome back. i know you would be welcomed back. and if you ever miss us.. i hope you won't be afraid to think of us. look at the stars and smile because i'll be looking at those stars too, thinking of you. <3
i'm still unsure but it only seems right to share you that playlist, before you go. another thing to unite us. <3 (<- link)

i love you, i love you, i love you. <3

-your friend, eva <3

@justmeeva

i kept rereading this whole thing and I was crying so hard I had to take my glasses off and run to lock myself in the bathroom I sound so dramatic

I’ll miss you too. I don’t know what to say it’s just scary. I’m not gonna cry that’s the sweetest thing ever that you could’ve possibly said :’) <3

eva omg I love it so much I kept going through every song and thinking omg she even has that and she knows that and omg I love that song but I can’t even anymore because there are too many amazing ones I love your taste, I love the playlist I love the thought into it thankyou so much <3 you had no reason to overthink anything I love it💕

i love you, i love you, i love you x♾️🩷

you mean so much to me, I’m keeping that playlist🩷and I’ll listen to it at night. and I’ll look up at the stars and I’ll think of you🩷I love you🩷

@iloveyouxx 

*hugs you tight and doesn’t let go until the very last second and genuinely tries to not start crying and sends a million eva hugs for whenever you might need them in the future* <3 <3 <3

“we’ll come to your door today at 3pm 🤘”

***

mom’s not home then

tf am i supposed to do or say to them 

*** ***

you know what would be a good excuse? that i’m dead :p ehe- .

realistically talking tho i don’t know what i’m gonna do because there’s nothing stopping them this time and i can’t just lock them out when they know i’m home because that’ll just be really rude

and even yesterday he said he wouldn’t leave unless i came to talk to him so i basically have no chance of getting away from this *** now that mom’s not here

they’ll probably come inside if i decide to stay inside or lock myself somewhere ngl 

and i know he means well he just wants me to go with them but no is no-

i just can’t do people right now it’s *** torture being around anyone that’s not my parents or siblings

so they’ll be here in a minute. 

rip me. 

he tried to get me outside. luckily he didn’t come inside by himself. he told my sister to go bring me, i didn’t go. the disappointed sigh- now they’re playing outside. they’re talking about me, planning how to get me to go with them- 

they’re trying so hard xD

that knock was loud wtf- it sounded so aggressive welp-

if they manage to get me to go with them (they won’t tho) then they’ll ask all those questions that i have no valid answer to and the man’s gonna talk/ask about my future or plans and just no i’m not doing that

they’ve been here for nearly an hour-

so they came inside gave me no choice but to agree (the children *** jumped on me and pulled me not even exaggerating), it was all awkward and he indeed did ask about my future plans and school and everything (i *** told you-) and he said “eva is like an unicorn - everybody has heard of her but nobody has seen her” like ahahaha so funny and uh yeah never again <33

right now is one of those times where darkness is just terrifying. 

@justmeeva *sits with you* You're absolutely right - the darkness can be terrifying.  Do you have things that can make it a little more soothing? Maybe some fairy lights or a battery operated candle? Something that gives soft light. Maybe a stuffy or two? A favorite blanket or sweater? 

@mytwistedsoul 

there’s just this.. hallway. that i logically need to go through in order to get to another room. so it’s kind of unavoidable. i have some lights on in my room for now, but they’ll have to be shut down soon too. right now i’m kind of just hoping it’ll go away on it’s own- the fear.  :’)

@justmeeva Are you allowed to keep your phone or whatever you use? Maybe you could set a timer for a nightlight on it? They make apps for nightlights too. Maybe you've tried them already? 

@mytwistedsoul 

yeah i can keep my phone with me. i didn’t know they had digital nightlights, i’ll give it a try. thank you soul, again. you always have some great tips <3

@justmeeva You're welcome 💙 Google has just about everything lol. They have a bunch of apps for them. I really hope they help

i’m terrified. 

nothing is behind your back, eva. nobody’s there. 

i know. 

but still.