Eva’s Crazy Mind
i’ve wanted to make a forum post like that for quite a while now, but never brought myself to actually make it. here i will write up all sorts of thoughts and vents, everything i need to get off my mind. it’s not gonna be positive or motivational, not even close. i personally don’t recommend reading it just because it doesn’t help lol. you’re welcome to read, replies are okay, just be aware that it’s gonna be a pretty dark place. i don’t usually ask for help despite telling everybody to. idk why. i’m not a very good example of what’s right to do. TW just in case, not planning to go that far but who knows.
i’m making myself this space because sometimes you can feel lonely while being surrounded by a million people and that’s nobody’s fault.
best wishes to you. ❤️
it’s so long- and tbh it probably doesn’t sound so bad from a 2nd perspective. but to me it is.
so what happened is that we have that.. let’s say family acquaintance that lives on our street but far enough to not be a neighbour. it’s a family with two children quite some years younger than me. the man had invited me and my sister to go somewhere with him and his children last week. my sister agreed, i declined. too tired. too insecure. too drained.
he had tried to get me to join them by texting with my mom, offering all kinds of things to “attract” me to go. not in like weird ways just wanted me to go. i declined everything.
a part of their conversation my mom shared with me:
him: “is there anything that would get her to come?”
mom: “if i knew i would’ve used it myself already”
eventually, for whatever reason they didn’t go. i thought nothing of it. “ok.”.
today, my sister went to their house to play with them. everything was normal. mom came home, called sister so she would come back too. next thing i know, the three of them (man and children) were behind our door, my sister saying to me “eva, you have guests!”.
the way my face dropped. they were waving to me through the window. calling for me. i hadn’t expected guests. i didn’t want to see anyone. don’t. i went to my room. refused to see them. exchange a single word with them. luckily they stayed outside and didn’t come inside. if mom wasn’t home, they probably honestly would have. my mom tried to get me to go and talk to them. they were calling for me afterall. *** no. i stayed in my room, on my bed. she gave up on me and went to the door instead. “eva probably won’t come out right now”.
they talked something. i put my headphones on because i didn’t want to hear any of that. eventually they left. my mom came to my room and told me he had said “i won’t leave it at that”. sounds threatening. it’s not a threat tho. it’s not serious. the situation isn’t serious.
i don’t know what i’m gonna do. i don’t know what i would do if they came when mom wasn’t home. what excuse do i have? that i “don’t want to”? i really, really don’t. but it’s not a reasonable excuse. “oh i’m just depressed and lowkey wish i wasn’t alive”? pfft- no.
idk how to end this vent.
um.
i wanna d!e already <3
@justmeeva
1. Im glad ur still alive
2. I know they mean well- but you deserve space when you want space :/
i don't know.
maybe i am stupid. even i don't validate my own problems anymore. even though they affect me.. pretty much. but it's whatever, really.
it doesn't matter.
@justmeeva
Eva your feelings are always valid ❤️ its not stupid to complain about. People complain about such silly things that never hurt them but this has affected you and thats valid ❤️ and your problems dont need to be reasonable for me- us- to be willing to listen, okay?/nfta
to nadia <3: @iloveyouxx
so.. i'm not sure if you'll see this, i hope you will though.
the thought of you leaving, permanently.., it's hard to believe honestly. it's times like those that make you think of all the good things. no matter how many struggles you and we have gone through, it wasn't all bad. the friendship we had was definitely worth the world. the fun we had, as much or little as there was of it. the love, the kindness that came from your heart. you're so, so kind and sweet and understanding.
it's sad. of course it's sad. sad in a whole different kind of way. i don't think goodbyes have been any of our strengths. so it's hard, there's no sugarcoating it.
i'll miss you. i'll miss you so, so so much. do whatever you want with those words, but you really are always welcome back. i know you would be welcomed back. and if you ever miss us.. i hope you won't be afraid to think of us. look at the stars and smile because i'll be looking at those stars too, thinking of you. <3
i'm still unsure but it only seems right to share you that playlist, before you go. another thing to unite us. <3 (<- link)
i love you, i love you, i love you. <3
-your friend, eva <3
@justmeeva
i kept rereading this whole thing and I was crying so hard I had to take my glasses off and run to lock myself in the bathroom I sound so dramatic
I’ll miss you too. I don’t know what to say it’s just scary. I’m not gonna cry that’s the sweetest thing ever that you could’ve possibly said :’) <3
eva omg I love it so much I kept going through every song and thinking omg she even has that and she knows that and omg I love that song but I can’t even anymore because there are too many amazing ones I love your taste, I love the playlist I love the thought into it thankyou so much <3 you had no reason to overthink anything I love it💕
i love you, i love you, i love you x♾️🩷
you mean so much to me, I’m keeping that playlist🩷and I’ll listen to it at night. and I’ll look up at the stars and I’ll think of you🩷I love you🩷
