Eva’s Crazy Mind

every time, it all comes back to the things, the memories, the people i don’t want to remember. every *** time. 

i guess you could say i made a deal with depression. that it would comfort me and be there with it’s familiar presence, and in return, i’ll let it win. 

“together until the end” hehe. :’)

and that’s okay. 

(tw.)

mean but fair enough thoughts: 

i’m not traumatised enough

i’m not struggling enough to struggle 

i smile and laugh too much for someone who’s supposedly at the lowest point of her life 

“i’m scared.. 

it feels like you don’t care”

one thing’s for sure. i won’t get into any new people’s lives. and i’m not letting any new people into mine either. whether on cups or irl. it’s pointless now. i have nothing to give and nothing i want to take. besides, what’s the use for someone who’ll leave just like that anyway? the less people know, the better. it’s easier that way. 

@justmeeva

...💗 i love you.. i hope you're alright <3 *hugs if okei*

@yyeyiiLy 

*hugs you back* <3

…

that’s- just not possible. 

you’re *** with me right

i-

the *** is the chance that right after posting that, i get tagged to reconnect with someone. i barely know them. 

how *** up is that

no words. i’m done. 

@justmeeva

hope im not overstepping. I just wanted you to know- i dont want anything from you but you to keep living, and even i know how stupidly selfish, stupidly difficult that is. I dont have the right to ask that of you, even tho i may hope and pray that one day you’ll be okay and that wont be through tw unaliving.

Like i said. Stupidly selfish.

Please eva, believe me, or try to believe me, when i say that im the luckiest girl on earth because you were among the first people i met on here. There is not, there could not have been, a better person for me then, maybe even now. That does nothing for you, again its just you helping me without getting anything in return and thats so unfair but-

I want you to know. You did make a change, you did have an impact, and it was more positive than you yourself feel right now. 

You have brought good in this world with you, and the world has punished you for it. It is no wonder you want to leave. How can i stop you? Is it fair for me to try? I dont know, i cant say. 

But the things i can say are, I love you, so so much, and im so grateful for you, and there isnt a day that passes where i dont remember you, miss you, and there never will be. 

You dont have to reply, you can ignore this if you want to. But i think you deserve to hear it- and more

things are loud in my head right now

in class

i have to forget

gtg.

i was working in a group with the girls in my class. i heard them whisper “let’s just let her do all the work”. as if i don’t already do that every time. <3.

then i saw someone who almost gave me a heart attack because they looked really similar to a specific someone, again

how many *** times do i have to say i’m done for this *** to finally stop

the world is really trying to get rid of me. and it’s doing a great *** job at that.

a mom playing with her child. chasing her. the child laughing. they both smiling. mm.

why is that so rare. 

it’s almost sad to look at them. 

“it’s not fair

not fair 

not fair not fair not fair not fair”

i can’t 

i can’t 

i can’t 

i can’t 

i can’t 

my body’s shaking a little

it’s not leaving my head

*** *** *** ***

breathing’s okay but it feels like it’s not