Eva’s Crazy Mind

tw.

so, on that meeting introduction event. they told us about the plans they had for us, 7th, 8th and 9th graders. i’m gonna be 9th next year. theoretically. they told us about some cool things they have planned for us, that we would be able to visit other schools and everything, it sounded nice. but if you know me, anything “nice” is a red flag. it’s bad. can’t have that. this entire time, listening to the teachers, i just said in my head “i can’t be there”. they talked about study partners. no no. going somewhere with the class. no, not me. this whole *** sounded all cool and nice. difficult, but still cool and nice. i can’t have that. what else am i supposed to do, other than- ..? i can’t let myself get more *** up. i tear up when i have to say out loud that i have 0 plans for my future, don’t know *** about the school options after 9th, or who i want to be. because i haven’t thought about that. because i won’t have to. 

also. my classmates were being so disrespectful and rude to the english teacher again. i don’t understand - they can be so awesome, why do they choose to just- choose people randomly based on idk what standards, and start making fun of them or hating them? she even said that she had a difficult week, and they didn’t even care and still talked behind her back?? tf is wrong with people? how can anyone lack empathy that much? why do they take the best hearts and just- throw them away? why?

i hate jealousy. i feel terrible when i feel it sometimes. like i’m a bad person. doing something wrong. 

but then i realised. maybe it’s not jealousy. maybe it’s just.. fear. fear of abandonment. fear of replacement. or is that also what jealousy is? or does it depend on the person? idk. 

kinda surprised nobody has noticed anything yet. having more and more unfinished, delayed assignments, which for me as a “good student”, isn’t usual. didn’t use to be at least. but i can’t expect the teachers to pay attention to such things, can i. i know i can’t. so i can’t blame them. 

it is  f r e e z i n g  cold in school rn dude what’s up with that

and we’re supposed to want to go outside rn? good joke teacher, good joke. 

omg i love todayy 🫶🫶 /as sar as possibly possible

the only thing making today a bit better is the snow. but that’s it. 

i suddenly got the urge to pick up crocheting again like in the middle of the day and now it’s gone. ._.

let’s be honest, this world is ***.

prolly gonna do it because it doesn’t even *** matter. 

@justmeeva

i’m late… 😞 *sits here* 💙

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

it’s not your fault love. it’s okay. 🩷

really wish i could just get lost, disappear, escape, run away, but that’s not realistic. lmfao. 

it would be a stupid idea. it wouldn’t work out. guess all i can do is wish. 

thinking of that concerningly much rn (:

i’ve kinda had it if i’m honest idk

at this point it’s just pretty much a matter of time. 

was gonna say something but nvm can’t do that to the people visiting this thread <3

@justmeeva

it’s okie friend, you is allowed to express yourself here. me understand, me thinks. :') it supposed to be your safes space to talkie and express thought-sies friend… 🥺 mmm me thinks. 🥺

(if this reply make eva friend uncomfy or anything in any way 💜 it okie to get it nommed/flagged, me no was a make you uncomfy friend 😔) 

ni friend wuv you.

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

thank you friend 🩷

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

i love you too ❤️.

@LoveMyMoonflowers me just realise typo :/ me no want* not was a smh ni 😭

@LoveMyMoonflowers @justmeeva *quietly agrees with Moon* this is your space - your home so to speak. You can say anything you want or need to here - visitors or not 💙

@mytwistedsoul

mhms 💕

“i’m not gonna help myself anymore”

*** hope.

*** love.

*** self care or -help or -love or -acceptance.

*** hobbies.

*** school.

*** trying to be better.

*** trying in general.

*** “it’ll be worth it in the end”.

*** memories.

*** happiness.

*** future. 

*** life. 

*** me. 

and now my brain makes me think i see something/someone move in this dark room every now and then, how *** hilarious xD

i should probably get off cups now. see how the rest of the night will go. the worst part might be over but who knows. 

so many thoughts. so little words. 

i want to say something, i want to give comfort, i want to be there, but i have no words. not a single thing coming to my mind. if anything, they’re not comforting. not at all. 

do you know how bad it is when you have all those thoughts and ideas and visions and creations in your mind, that all want to get out, but they can’t? because you’re just so *** useless that you don’t have a way to let them out. so they just stay in your head. forever. and new ones won’t stop coming. so soon, they’re all you are. 

i hate this so *** much. 

i literally just got rid of most of my overdue assignments, and now i have 3 new ones. and they’re big. time consuming. difficult. *** ***. 

even the teachers are getting tired of me leaving my stuff undone. 

at least that’s what it feels like. 

because they don’t know. 

they don’t know how hard it is. how overwhelming. and i can’t explain it, because i don’t know why either. 

when i’m getting stressed, i always get that part of a song in my head that goes “breathe, breathe, breathe..”.