Eva’s Crazy Mind

my brain’s doing everything to try to convince me i’m in danger. again. i’m not. what is this? it makes me hear noises, it makes me think i see something or- someone- that’s not there. cool~…

tw - bad, unhealthy thinking. 

the one, only thing i “liked” about being sick was that i ate basically nothing those two days. two whole days, and i didn’t really feel hunger at all. kinda wish it was always like this. 

…….

visiting my fake reality land again tonight. hello, home. 

(it’s a bad idea, i know. but.. i need it right now. it’s gonna mess me up even more afterwards but idec. don’t have the time to care. besides, when have i been good at making the right decisions anyway?)

*absolutely ignores the time*

damn did you really have to?

just another proof that maybe, heart should listen to brain this one time. it’s not gonna be quick or easy tho, not at all. 

*** it feels personal. 

the urge to just directly ask “what did i do wrong?” but also.. eehhh…

for once, it feels like my overthinking might be just… thinking. 

i just figured, maybe it’s not just night when i’m the most productive (or at least more motivated to do something?), maybe it’s just *darkness*. i’m sitting here on my bed, been doing that for at least a few hours now, haven’t even got myself to start with the way overdue homework. it’s so bright and warm and somehow uncomfortable- but thinking about the night when it’s cold but not too cold because i’m under my blanket, the room’s dark and everything’s quiet, no interacting with anyone… it seems to suit me better. which is kind of unfortunate because… sleep. and the amount dark time is decreasing since winter’s soon to end- *panic*

@justmeeva cn u not find a way to make it dark nd comfy in ur room? Like thicker curtains? *hugs if oki* 

@unassumingEyes 

my mom already says i’m living like a ~caveman~ since i have those *unthick* curtains rolled down most of the time so i doubt she’d let me do anything to block the sun even more :’) oh well. *hugs eyes buddy* <3

…

@justmeeva

what’s wrong, eva? 🥺💜

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

nothing everything’s fine

@justmeeva

mmm… not vv convincing friend but okay… :') no pressure to say anything friend. 💜 but me a just a tag away if you need me. :') 

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

i’m sorry i don’t wanna sound rude, i’ll probably get off cups for a little time rn but i think i’ll come back sometime 

thank you <3

@justmeeva

okay buddy. 💜 and it’s ok i don’t think you sound rude at all friend. i hope you’ll be safe and try to be gentle with you… :') love you friend 💜 

thank you for being you eva. 💜 

there were beautiful bright northern lights above my country, above my house, and i managed to miss them.

another really, really realistic dream. i’m honestly not sure whether to call it a dream or a nightmare. but i didn’t want to wake up yet…

*trying to get it out of my head*

i know one thing that might help… but it’s  not a good thing. at all.

…

@justmeeva *sits with eva frnd* do u think writing the dream down will help? U dont hv to post it or anything.

@unassumingEyes 

i don’t know i want to forget it but i also don’t.. idk idk idk

@justmeeva mmm sounds confusing frnd :0 hugs if oki

@unassumingEyes 

*hugs*

@justmeeva

eva beaniiee… 🥺 me completely late but me still sending a huggie for you if okie… 😞 how’s you today friend…? 🥺💜 

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

it’s nonsense and very messy so i don’t expect you to understand.

oh today started amazingly, first the dream, then i was about 10min late to school and omw through the front door i met a teacher who i think suddenly has something against me and that’s bad because i have one very very overdue assignment and one that i’m gonna be late with and now i’m scared to tell her, anyway she said in an annoyed, kind of mad voice “the class has started already” and me being me it made me ✨cry✨ so walking up the stairs i had to calm myself down because who normal person enters the classroom with tears in her eyes right uh so i finally managed to stop the tears and went to class, the classes were okay but now i have the lunch break which i’m gonna spend studying math that i halfway don’t understand ❤️❤️❤️

ooh and the dream almost made me do something dumb but i didn’t which should be good but idk

@justmeeva

awwe something dumb…? 🥺 does you mean not safes buddy…? 😔💜 

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

idk something not good but i didn’t for whatever reason so it’s not a worry atm (i think.)

@justmeeva

im glad you didn’t friend me would rather you were safe… 🥺

@justmeeva

*huggies if okay* i’m sorry lovely that is a lot 😞 understandable to feel like crying buddy because of the way your teacher behaved ): me don’t think it’s nonsense friend ): me thinks it’s life and it sucks … :/ 💜 

😞 im sorry friend im not good at supporting but im still sitting with you lovely… 🥺💕 and sending warm huggies if okay… 💜 

“*crying when i’m not supposed to*” count: 2

@justmeeva

me thinks it’s okie to cry… but oftentimes people around are meanies and they say it’s not okie or they say it’s weird… 😞 and our brains repeat that and tell us the same thing… it’s hard to be gentle with self. me don’t think it’s weird to merely express emotions buddy… :') 💜 

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

but i’m in school and i don’t have a reason for crying really idk what’s wrong with me

@justmeeva *whispers* *you don’t need a reason to cry*

*you don’t need a reason to feel happy, sad, angry, tired, cuz these are emotions that just are sometimes* 

*you don’t need a reason to be you* 

*and nobody likes school anyways so i think it wont complain if you cry :p* 

*and im like not able to support but i just wanted to put this out there- you dont need a reason. Emotions are just there and thats okay too*

@justmeeva

me would have done the same friend ): me thinks seeing the teachers expression was scary and must have brought back the stress of all the schoolwork 😞 which would be overwhelming. me don’t think you’re crying ‘for no reason’ friend… 🥺 *huggies you* 

i swear i can’t have any interaction with any teacher rn because i can’t just start crying like this

i can’t i don’t have anyone i don’t have any friends who could help me i can’t talk to any teachers because i’m at the verge of tears i don’t understand this math i don’t know how to do the overdue stuff i can’t i can’t i can’t