Eva’s Crazy Mind

she kept saying “your future” and i kept thinking “what future?”

if i’m honest.. i can’t really see myself having a future.. “making it”, “surviving”, “getting through it”.. i’m not even sure if it’s a part of my nonexistent future plans..

*praying that this night wouldn’t be as bad as last night* 

the entire time we talked, me and my mom, i wanted to show her something that would’ve silenced her. i didn’t. i think it’s good tho. i think. 

it’s almost completely dark outside. hm. 

“she wanted to heal everyone around her. she saw potential in them, she had hope for them, she believed in them. truly. she saw the good in them, the pain, their hearts. many broken, but still there. she wasn’t really a person to be fair, more like an angel, trying to protect and keep her people.”

tw?

every time i close my eyes, my brain makes me imagine something terrifying. there went the idea of trying to sleep. oh *** well. 

i’ll figure something out. eventually. hopefully. 

my room looks really dark right now. like really dark. 

i have a lot of catching up to do in so many ways. 

come on words, where’d you go now?

~ s c e n a r i o s ~

lol it’s long.

okay uhh… yesterday, i did my mom a huge favour. she needed to get my brother to read a book for school but he absolutely refused. he’s in 2nd grade so obviously he’d much rather, yk, not. my mom wasn’t handling it the best either, felt like she was barely putting any effort into the situation. my brother came to my room, asking me if i want ice cream. i went to the kitchen with him, we took our ice creams and opened them. we sat down. then came my mom. she told my brother that he didn’t deserve to get the reward. made sense, okay. he told my brother to put the ice cream to a bowl, telling him he’d get it once he had finished reading 10 pages. she tried a little more to get him to read, didn’t succeed. she went out of the kitchen and i stepped in. i sat next to my brother. i put my ice cream to the bowl as well, and put them both in the freezer. i tried talking to him, he didn’t listen. then, i went to my room. i took a book with small text to show him the comparison. i showed him how much bigger his text was, and how many pictures he had compared to me. that almost worked. then i told him i’d show him something from my phone. something funny. i finally got him to come with me, the book in his hands. we sat on his bed, both having our books with us. i showed him a couple of funny photos to break that bad refusing mood he had. it worked. we made a deal that we’d read together if i showed him the photos. that’s how it went. we read for 45 minutes. that’s how long it took us. after we had finally finished, we took our ice creams and ate them. later that evening/night my mom came to thank me. 

i spent over 45 minutes of my free time voluntarily dealing with my brother, reading a book i didn’t even have to read. i did it because i saw how terrible my mom was at it. why am i the one who knows how to handle situations like this? god she has 3 children and i know how to parent them better then she does? you might think she would learn something, anything from me.. wrong. now, i can’t say i’m mad or disappointed or anything that i had to do it. no, i did my mom a favour, i got my brother to read a book so he wouldn’t fall too behind, it was my choice doing it and i don’t regret it. i’m glad i did it. now we get to the interesting part. 

today. this evening, i got exhausted. it’s like all okayness and energy was in the most literal way drained out of me. i did the dishes, brushed my teeth, went to lay on my bed. not to sleep, just to rest. chill. then, (she didn’t want my brother to hear) she sends me a message. “reading” she said. now i don’t know what other opinions are on this, but in my opinion, you don’t ask a *** favour to be repeated. i wasn’t supposed to do this at all in the first place, now you’re gonna force me to? i gave her no reaction. after a few minutes she came to my room. we had a small talk once again. she asked me why i didn’t do it again tonight. also, it was past 10pm. i said i didn’t want to anymore, it was too late. she then goes on about how i’m a terrible role model (recognise those words?) etc etc. she left eventually. i’m wondering now, was i wrong? should i have done it tonight too, despite the whole, you know, absolutely exhausted part? what an interesting woman she is, my mother. 

@justmeeva this I can relate to 😔 anytime i do my mom a favor, Im expected to do it daily for the rest of my life. While it was really kind of you to help your brother, it wasn’t your job to do it. If you were tired, or just didn’t want to, you had (have!) the right to say no. I get parenting can be hard, some people are naturally better at it yada yada yada but you can’t thrust that role on a child. She saw how you helped him, she could do it herself now but chose not to. That’s not on you 🤷🏻‍♀️

what did i do wrong this time?

brain: they don’t care anymore, leave it be

heart: maybe we’re just overthinking it, it might be just a coincidence, right? again..

i’m absolutely sick of life 

tw 

i had an okay day today, somewhat at least, and then life’s like “hmm you were a little too okay today, let’s make you sick and *** throw up multiple times”

@justmeeva (same) 

hru now frnd?/nfta

sending healing beams and love if oki 💞

@unassumingEyes

better i think 🩷

awwe thank you, sending many hugs to you if oke 💕

@justmeeva that’s good

*hugs 🤍*

i’m warning you life, one day i’ll actually have enough 

woke up around 4am randomly and been up for an hour :’)

drinking water - bad idea. got it. 👍

6am ~

@justmeeva

*sits with you if ok*

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

*sits with nibuddy* 🩷

@justmeeva

*offers hugs*

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

*gladly accepts hugs*

@justmeeva

💜

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

🩷

i’m so useless today. i could’ve done some of the overdue school stuff but this stupid sickness keeps me in bed and i can’t do anything about it. 

stress stress stress

dear mother, i don’t want ‘things at home’ to become a part of my life description so maybe, let’s not. 

@justmeeva

*sits with you if okie* 

💜

okay so one thing that comes with this whole ‘derealisation, not being here’ stuff (at least i *think* they’re connected..?), is that i get mindblown so easily by such random facts. here’s what we have today. 

ever thought about how you have your own life, then your family members each have their own lives, then the people in the house next to you each have their own lives, and so on? *a b s o l u t e l y  m i n d b l o w n* it’s just insane to think about. i can’t wrap my head around it. it’s basically impossible to my brain. woah. 

came across this one video and damn it hits hard. 

“when children are young, they’re told not to talk to strangers. when they go to school, they’re told not to talk to the person next to them. and finally when they get to be very old, they’re told not to talk to themselves. who’s left?”

a little googling and found out it’s a dialogue from a (quite old) tv show called ‘mork & mindy’.

Mork:    This week I discovered a terrible disease called loneliness.

Orson:   Do many people on Earth suffer from this disease?

Mork:    Oh yes sir, and how they suffer. One man I know suffers so much he has to take a medication called bourbon. Even that doesn’t help very much because then he can hear paint dry.

Orson:    Does bedrest help?

Mork:     No because I’ve heard that sleeping alone is part of the problem. You see, Orson, loneliness is a disease of the spirit. People who have it think that no one cares about them.

Orson:   Do you have any idea why?

Mork:     Yes sir, you can count on me. You see, when children are young, they’re told not to talk to strangers. When they go to school, they’re told not to talk to the person next to them. Finally when they’re very old, they’re told not to talk to themselves, who’s left?

Orson:    Are you saying Earthlings make each other lonely?

Mork:     No sir, I’m saying just the opposite. They make themselves lonely – they’re so busy looking out for number one that there’s not enough room for two.

Orson:    It’s too bad everybody down there can’t get together and find a cure.

Mork:     Here’s the paradox, sir, because if they did get together, they wouldn’t need one.

@justmeeva "because if they did get together, they wouldn't need one"

God. Just...wow

*sits 13 hours late*