Eva’s Crazy Mind

i’ve cried so much today, so much

should’ve *** when i had the chance. 

i quite literally cried all day today. i cried when i was alone. i cried when mom was home. i had so many breakdowns that this whole day was one big breakdown. i mentioned depression and the way i don’t choose to be like this, i said “everything” to my mom asking “what’s wrong?”, when my mom said that i have so many relatives and everyone who want to help me i said “but they don’t know anything”. but she still didn’t seem to notice. she was kind and supportive when talking to me, but the whole talk was useless. she still didn’t listen enough. she still didn’t notice. she still doesn’t understand. she still doesn’t know. she agreed to talk again tomorrow morning since it was late already. we’ll see. 

my eyes are red from crying. i couldn’t stop. my head hurts from crying nonstop. everything’s so much, and it’ll continue to be. that’s the worst i’ve been, and it still keeps going. still keeps getting worse. i need a break. but that’s only a stupid wish. it’s unrealistic. life goes on, no matter what. that’s just the way it is. i had so much more to say, so much. if only i could speak. if only i could speak. 

but it doesn’t matter, does it. life’s not gonna stop just because eva is tired. it’ll go on. the sun will rise and set over and over, no matter how much she might beg it not to. school will move on, not even noticing she’s gone. unless she’s in trouble. then they’ll be mad not concerned. they think she’s just lazy. but they don’t know anything. nobody does. so she’ll just slowly fade away, alone. and one day she’ll be gone. then they’ll notice. then they’ll care. 

@justmeeva But it does matter. You matter. I know you don't feel like you do but you really do. I'm sorry you had such a bad day today. I'm sorry that you're hurting so much right now that it makes you feel like giving up. I'm glad you're still here

It's hard to tell people the truth of what you're really thinking and feeling. It's scary too.  The words seem to disappear when we need them the most. And talking to parents is kind of like talking to the wind. They don't listen. For whatever reason most adults don't listen. They think they have all the answers and know everything but they don't. What do you think she'd say if she knew your truth - your thoughts and feelings? Sometimes it's easier to write things down. Could you write her a letter and give it to her? Is there some way that you could help her notice and understand? 

Feel free to ignore this and there's no pressure to reply or anything

tw

back to being not okay i wanna break something i wanna scream i wanna leave i tried doing something unsafe but not to the point it became unsafe and now i’m gonna …. because that’s how i deal with *** nowadays bbl. 

that’s it.

she knows.