my journal: various subjects, opinionating, CW at times
The title explains itself.
If you're interested in the ramblings of a middle-aged man with chronic conditions who, at times, sees things a little too clearly for his own good, then read on.
Sometimes I get political, but it won't be all the time.
I don't mind comments in general but if you're going to differ with what I write, that's fine--as long as you can explain your position clearly & reasonably. Rants, shouting & general incoherence will be ignored or flagged, depending on the situation. Try to remember that not everyone else in this world holds your beliefs.
Every so often I may post art or snapshots of projects I'm working on.
If you're still interested after reading all the above, great. (I do wonder at how much time you have on your hands, though)
This evening I have sore "sit-bones", Meniere's, general tiredness & lower back pain now.
But for once, I don't mind most of it. Because I recently got my bike tuned up (not a motorcycle) & went riding twice. The first time was this past Monday; the 2nd time was yesterday. Am back on my old ragged--but faithful--steed.
I don't know how many miles I went, only that it was hot outside (welcome to Floridastan!), I went through a good chunk of the town I live in, sweated like a pig, had to go up a few inclines (not everything is flat around here), had to stop twice & bought some acetaminophen + some food to take it with, & by the time I got home it was after 20:00 hrs.
Today I pay for my exertion. But it's okay. Always better to be up & doing something, achieving things, than to sit & do nothing at all.
(Am just glad I did the laundry a couple days ago. I sure am not doing any now)
A Non-Rhyming Poem about
Aging
Chronically
This is what you must accept:
That looking in the mirror is like watching the news: If there's a change then it won't be good
That for every part there's a choice: It hurts, or if it does not hurt then it probably doesn't work
You are invisible to the opposite gender, & will stay that way.
That no matter what you believe, it is useless to pray
That
as every year goes by, the world leaves you further behind
(because you don't have the strength & endurance
to keep up, & why should you give a shit?)
That your conditions will rob your life of whatever joy it once had, if any
Your best skills will be:
1] sitting/lying deathly still.
2] making noises when you move.
3]
gloomy realism.
hat you will never do the activities that used to give you joy
That the wrinkles will only increase with the years
That one day you'll probably go deaf, on another you may go blind
That you will inevitably leave something (probably many things) undone...& probably won't care at some point
That your regrets really don't matter in the long run
You will come to understand the truth of “there is nothing new under the sun”.
That the purpose you had when you were young/healthy is null & void
That “leaving a legacy” is for healthy people with money
That life is easiest when you don't think about it too much
That your body is like everyone else's, except it's sliding toward decay a bit faster
That those who mourn at funerals are on some level grieving for themselves, until they forget again
The fine young woman ignores you because you've aged & declined past her
That in the long run no body, certainly including yours, will ever win.
June 5, 2022
Quote for the evening:
"Having traveled through much of western China, where Muslim Turkic Uighurs (who despise the Chinese) often predominate, I find it hard to imagine a democratic China without at least a partial breakup of the country.... Had the student demonstrations in 1989 in Tiananmen Square led to democracy, would the astoundingly high economic growth rates of the 1990's still obtain? I am not certain, because democracy in China would have ignited turmoil not just in the Muslim west of the country but elsewhere, too; order would have decreased but corruption would not have."
- Robert Kaplan, Was Democracy Just a Moment?, 1997
"Hope & Tori"
done this evening
@slowdecline48
very nice
Partly as a result of how the chat went about three hours ago, here are a few more samples of my current practice.
Riverside District, Jax
Parking Lot, Anywhere, USA
Inside Monkey's Uncle Tavern
@slowdecline48
love these
@SunShineAlwaysGrateful So I see...you upvoted just about everything in here! 🤨
It's nice that someone's tickled by my writings, anyway...considering the number of times a post has been removed because I broke some rule or another with it, hopefully your amusement will count in my favor. 😄
Edit: ...I am almost never satisfied with my work. That's true of most artists; show me someone who thinks all his work is great, & I'll show you a hobbyist or amateur. Having said that, when I look back at it now I think that Riverside district sketch is one of my better efforts. I just wish I didn't do some of my best work after drinking. 😄
My depression still comes & goes; my Meniere's & other conditions are still with me. I still get tired often...but I have made some progress lately.
-
The cockroach infestation has been knocked down quite a bit, thanks to my aggressively spraying--not just the normal places in the kitchen & bathroom, but also in places where no one else sprays...& where the roaches live. Also put down traps in the areas they like to run. Plus I have flattened a great many of them, with my hands & with the swatter I bought a few weeks ago. Swatters work well but they're only useful in flat open areas, like floors or walls. Between all these things, I don't see too many of the little shellbacked f^^ks anymore.
I am planning one more big offensive. *cue Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries"* - Am definitely in Florida Voc Rehab by now. Apparently I greatly qualify for their help...guess that's an upside of having a disability. 😒 As it is a state gov't agency, it moves slowly. But things are getting done. I may find a job I can do one day. Certainly hope so, as I'm not only disabled but not as young as many employers prefer & can't do five days a week, to boot.
- Been doing some sketching with ink & brush here & there.
I wish I had an optical scanner...could digitally process my art a bit quicker that way.
Not much more to report at this time.
Talked to my aunt this evening...she lives in one of the islands (not Hawaii). I wish the convo had been positive. But it's not her fault or mine.
After my mid-teens or so, we didn't talk as she had her life to live & I had yet to try to make my way, & stumble repeatedly while running into adversaries (but that's whole 'nother story). ⏩ to 2014, the year my mother died. She & I were not close to put it mildly, but I flew out to where she was, buried her & did what had to be done. A couple days after the funeral my aunt called me, out of the blue. It was great to hear from her. We talked some more & I took a trip to see her later. It was fun, we caught up on each other's lives & achievements. Later on I took a 2nd trip...back then I could afford to.
We all know what happened in 2020. My aunt dealt with it okay. In 2021, she fell & broke her forearm. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal but when you are an old woman, any small mishap can be a major setback. The injury had a complication of some kind; I don't recall what it was. The point is she healed slowly & couldn't do as much as she used to. She was slowing down a bit before the fall but that was by choice.
When we talked a few weeks ago, she had felt dismayed because she couldn't remember everything she needed to do. Her daughter flew in & stayed for a week to help her out with things. That was good but I called her almost an hour ago...
She's feeling down. She has had better days. Didn't sound like the woman I'd talked to so many times since '14.
She didn't mention it...but I knew why.
When you go through enough situations like this, you always know.
Mortality is a b^tch, is it not?... It's even worse when you know it will come. In other words, when you're human.
When my father died in the early 00's, it was merely a coda to the last couple years of his decline--those years were the real tragedy. When my mother finally expired I felt bad, sure...but it was a relief as much as anything else. Her last few months were especially terrible. I was not particularly attached to her by then. This time it's a bit different even as it's always the same.
No wonder I've come to see life as more curse than blessing. You have moments of joy if you're lucky but always the suffering outweighs the happiness...with the final cold blackness of oblivion at the end. The only hope is that it isn't too drawn out & painful.
Antinatalism makes more sense as every year goes by.
...I'm gonna miss you when you go, Sally.
Here's an old sketch, as a coda to this entry:
In the long run it always comes to this.
Hi @slowdecline48, just dropping by!
I think I really hear what you are trying to say through it all. Aging and the fact of mortality really shapes different spheres, stages and the relationships in our lives to a great extent. And like you said, it can be painful and also relieving - so many feelings and that too varying. Somehow change is the only constant and yet so hard. also I really love the art!
@theriverissinging
Thanks, I appreciate the comments. Yeah...more than once, I've wondered why we humans get into relationships when we know they will end, & tragically when one party succumbs before the other--as is often the case. I know the proximate answers (we are social creatures, we need each other to some extent just to survive, etc.) but as far as I can see, there is no ultimately sensible answer behind all the births & deaths & all that come in between. Life is just too absurd for that.
@slowdecline48
I understand that - it sure is simply tragic and shows the fragility of everything human / living. Specially when we know how things are going to be, to some extent, like them ending and sadly one having to grieve for the other often. I guess for me, I am okay with having experienced and contributed towards all the beautiful things, the good and bad - all human, in the relationship towards the ‘end’ and that makes things okay for me. But then, I haven't experienced as many ‘ends’ to call that valid - I flinch at the thought of that. But I agree in a way, it's just sometimes nonsensical, life is like that.
...every so often, I wonder where my energy went.
Even though I already know the answers. Two of those answers are the same ones any observant person comes up with (time & entropy). Yet I still ask the question. My brain is an odd thing.
Last night I did a little drawing...not painting with ink. Drawing. For the first time in a good while.
I've had a cold or sinus infection for almost four days now...had to reschedule an appointment. Elevated pollen count today & it will be higher tomorrow. That's all I f***ing need....
That item plus the following meme are all I have for you here today, dear reader.
It's gray & wet outside, & I have back pain today. With that & tiredness & getting over the sinus infection, I am parked in my chair before my drafting table...am not doing any art at the moment, though.
No, I'm leaned back & sitting still so my lower back is okay. The blinds are drawn as usual...
This is what my life has come to. Yesterday I went out, only to discover a place that I used to sometimes enjoy is now boring AF, as the kids say... My aunt in the islands is old & forgetting things & knows she doesn't have that long to go. Soon enough she will join the list of deceased people that I once knew & could depend on to an extent, but no more. My Meniére's is permanent; my tendinitis is permanent; my other issues won't go away either & will only worsen with time. I don't keep up with the news as much as I used to because I already saw that my nation is in decline & lost basic social cohesion a good while back. Only the government is keeping us together & it's doing a piss-poor job of that...
Age, time & chronic issues have possibly made me unemployable by now. I hope that is not the case, but it could be. The wolves are still out in the forest, metaphorically speaking. As for fulfillment, I have my books & (sometimes) my art & other projects, but that's it.
Sure, I think about it these days. If your life is devoid of pleasure & suffering is guaranteed, why would you want to wait around...
Talked to a neighbor today & learned that this human anthill ("apartment complex") is getting worse than I'd thought. The more incessant problem here is vehicle break-ins.
I already knew that happened here, of course. But his truck has been broken into a half-dozen times. Apparently this place even made the local news for the sheer number of vehicle break-ins it's had...the neighbor knows of over 30 so far, presumably including his own. Damn...this place is starting to remind me of a ghetto in Vegas I used to live in. Or maybe San Francisco, which is the vehicle break-in/theft capital of the Disunited States.
I hate criminals. Truly I do...I don't make many exceptions to that. Only recent one I can think of is Lebanese people holding up banks, but they're only doing that to access their own money since all the banks have frozen all deposits in their possession prior to 2019. (Double-digit inflation is a b****!)
The last car I had started dying on me in mid-2020, so I junked it. (Can't complain, really...it lasted over three years, cost < $1,500 when I bought it & it got me where I needed to go) Since then I've either gotten rides or, more recently, started riding my bike. Unlike some people here, I keep my steed indoors so the risk of theft is considerably less in my case...I've walked by units where the occupants leave their bicycles on the patio (for 2nd-floor places) or park them beside their front doors. *smh* If you do that you are just asking for someone to steal your ride, even if you've locked it to something.
I've considered getting another car when I can afford it. But between the break-ins & my main chronic condition putting me at some risk when I'm behind the wheel...am wondering if I should stick with my old beater & getting rides when I need to get somewhere very far away. At least with a bicycle, it's good exercise & so prevents a completely sedentary lifestyle.
As usual, life in this place stinks.