my journal: various subjects, opinionating, CW at times
The title explains itself.
If you're interested in the ramblings of a middle-aged man with chronic conditions who, at times, sees things a little too clearly for his own good, then read on.
Sometimes I get political, but it won't be all the time.
I don't mind comments in general but if you're going to differ with what I write, that's fine--as long as you can explain your position clearly & reasonably. Rants, shouting & general incoherence will be ignored or flagged, depending on the situation. Try to remember that not everyone else in this world holds your beliefs.
Every so often I may post art or snapshots of projects I'm working on.
If you're still interested after reading all the above, great. (I do wonder at how much time you have on your hands, though)
Today was the hottest day of the year so far. A high of 103 deg. Fahr./39.4 Celsius. That was as much reason to stay indoors as anything else. The fog of depression in my head was leaden this morning...other than eventually cook breakfast, read a little & log on here, I didn't do much. Managed to somewhat catch up on sleep...today's silver lining.
As I posted elsewhere, in August my lease expires. If I renew it (& probably will because where the f*** else am I gonna go?), the rent will go up. Everyone is feeling it these days, but my general disability & lack of decent work history makes for few prospects of relocating anywhere, let alone a better place.
It's not just that this apartment sucks, but that I am purely fed up with apartment living in general. By now I would settle for a ratty old single-wide trailer as long as the plumbing & electrical systems are basically functional & there's no adjoining walls or neighbors too near me. Hell, at this point I might even settle for a Mongol-style yurt with a woodstove in the center!...
Three acres would be great...no point in dreaming about it, though.
Been thinking about what else to do for income. As mentioned above, my options are limited for mostly physical reasons. Got an appointment next week at a local agency that might be able to help. Two possibilities scare me most of all:
1. I may not be able to work a regular job.
2. This crackerbox apartment may be the place where I grow old & die.
If either one turns out to be factual, I don't know what I'll do next. I honestly have no idea.
This evening my main condition is a bit more aggravating than usual: Dull, heavy headache. The tinnitus is a bit loud. I woke up feeling like this.
From what I can tell, it is impossible to get ahold of a Listener in here. What's the point of them being here if you can't f***ing contact one? Maybe it's because I always log in in the evening...are most Listeners morning people?
Have noticed a few therapists but frankly, talking to one is unfeasible considering the upcoming rent increase.
Had to kill quite a few roaches last night while I was cooking. I hate this place.
A couple pieces of cheese & a beer, because I don't feel like cooking anything & I want to go back to sleep.
Is this why time goes by quicker, the older you get?...
Today was miserable due to intestinal turmoil...but the night is still mine.
I've been stocking up on rice & beans in preparation for the coming food shortages. Am pretty sure they will hit us next spring. The problem is I don't normally eat many legumes at all. Gonna have to get used to them somehow. The older you get, the harder it is to adapt.
Managed to get a couple things done the day before.
Currently reading: Gods and Generals, by Jeff Shaara
@slowdecline48 Hey :) Hope you don't mind. I'm not a big fan of beans either but I've been stocking up on rice and beans too. I also started keeping instant potatoes and pancake mix and pasta. And bouillon for soup or even just to flavor the rice and pasta. Have you given any thought to drying stuff? Alot of fruits and vegetables can be dried and they'll keep longer. You can even dehydrate eggs. You just have to make sure everything is kept in air tight containers - bell jars work nice for this and store them in a cool dark place
I hope you're feeling better
"Lemme tell you your fortune / It could be sinister...or maybe not"
- AC/DC, Witches Spell
After another day of being stuck in this ratty old crackerbox, then going to the Mutual Support chat when I finally had enough energy to focus & respond somewhat appropriately... Have learned a couple things by now:
1. Don't hang out in the chat when there are 21+ people in there. It's getting crowded at that point & the bigger the crowd, the more chances there will be drama. I didn't come here & open an account just to see drama btwn members... Perhaps it is inevitable since we're all here because we have issues.
2. Have already known this for a while, but one of the best moves I made in this life is not getting married. So many people here are either getting divorced or have relationship problems with their spouses... My life isn't great but at least I don't have an abusive wife, or one that goes out & pulls the train, or that left me, or that I have to pay alimony to, etc., etc. Yes...I've dodged a missile that way.
Even so, my situation still sucks. Am half drunk right now because what else is there to do tonight...
THE LIST
- Meniére's disease
- chronic depression
- chronic tendinitis, cracking joints
- IBS
- permanent insomnia, absence of circadian rhythm
- shot nerves, lately (no formal diagnosis)
- allergies to dust, pollen, animal dander
- congestion when allergens are up
- scoliosis, rounded shoulders
- intermittent knee pain, lower back pain, shoulder pain
- general lack of energy
@slowdecline48
As we age definitely 💯 percent health is so important.
I too have chronic issues, mobility issues and severe asthma and medically retired. You are not alone love this thread I appreciate the efforts you have put in here … incredible work and great self care.
Lessee...
This evening I assisted with the queue in the Sharing Circle for the first time. Was there for over an hour; by the time I left it was just after 2100* & the number of people had piled up from around 19 to 31 & counting...way too crowded at that point. Most of 'em weren't talking constantly which was good. If they had, the job would've been impossible.
I basically winged it, however one of the Mods claimed I was "doing great". If you say so, sir... All I did was write online pseudonyms on my notepad, keep track of the time & try not to talk too much. (It's a bad habit of mine when I'm in a chatroom, which is one reason why I stayed out them from maybe 1998 until this year)
Aside from that, today I resumed my cane project started last year. No guarantees I'll finish it this year as I have a lot going on already. It was nice to get out on the patio & use my tools for a bit.
My physical state is as it is.
@slowdecline48
I too love the sharing circle very much a great place …
It's raining outside today, so I am cooped up indoors. (I do have the front door cracked, even though that means the A/C will run. The air has gotten stale in here)
In three of the past four nights, I've been painting...rough sketches, really. I just do 'em in ink & brush. It's odd & a bit ironic, in that 20 years ago my style was completely different: realistic with detail, always in dry media. Mostly graphite & charcoal. (If you had told me then that I would become a painter who wouldn't spend more than 1/2-hr to 40 minutes on a piece, I would've laughed in your face.) Later I switched over to pen & ink after getting bored with all the shading & blending...stayed with that line work for a bit. Eventually certain nagging health problems started to catch up with me, & then the Meniére's started.
In early 2017 I was diagnosed. Spent most of the rest of the year figuring out how to deal with it. A depressing year (though not like this one).
2018 was a productive time for me, but one thing I learned then was that I will never do art the way I did when I was younger & healthier, not most of the time. It took tremendous focus & endurance, neither of which I have anymore. I pushed myself hard that year.
In 2019 I paid for my folly of 2018. In 2020, well we all know what happened then. (Thanks a lot, China. As if spawning bubonic plague over 2,000 years ago wasn't enough...)
Since then, I've been trying to find my way as an artist & craftsman. I have a rough idea of what direction to go in now...it will be taxing. But everything in this life has a price. The only questions are what do you want, & what are you willing to pay for it.
In case you're wondering: No, I'm not gonna post my current work here. It doesn't fit 7Cups rules. When that changes, I might post some pics.
@slowdecline48
Love that you do art 🖼️… I am basic I do painting occasionally with 50 plus club here it’s fun I enjoy it and it kills my shoulders lol 😂
ooh I also have Meniére's never fun
@SunShineAlwaysGrateful Really...I didn't know that. You're one of two people I know who have it. (The other one is not in 7Cups) 🤔 ...oddly, I've never met another male with Meniére's, though there was a guy I talked to on Instaspam for a while who had chronic migraines.
@slowdecline48
I am female however in Canada 🇨🇦 any dizziness that they called find out any issues is classified that way here … meds help usually two weeks to get back on track … I feel like frisbees being tossed around …
There's a more specific diagnosis here. That's mine....was DX'ed with it in late March 2017, but it was developing for a while before that time.
Hiiii your post resonated with me. I was an artist since a child. I was pretty good. In my early 20’s I was selling my art in galleries. But I had a period of extensive trauma in my life and ended up having a major psychotic break from reality and being admitted in the hospital for a week. I was placed on meds for the first and my hands would work correctly since, even after I got off the medication. It crushes me (but i never let it show) when I attempt to paint or draw now and my hands just won’t work. I’ve lost a piece of me. It’s not something i talk about. so thank you.
I'm d∆mned sorry to hear it, North...that's rough as a corncob. Of all the things being hospitalized & medicated could take away from a person... *smh*
Still sittin here wondering how an antipsychotic med can reduce proficiency with one's hands. How does that work, exactly?
Have you thought about trying any other media? See if something else works as a creative outlet. In the online community I'm in (not this one) there are a lot of electronic music people. They make their own tracks, & they do it all on their computers. Presumably there's a microphone involved somewhere but I don't know for sure--I just do visual & wood stuff. But you could look into it.
Maybe you could paint in such a way that it fits your limitations? That's the main reason I got into ink & brush to begin with, after decades of sticking to solid-ended tools. I wasn't any kind of painter until almost two years after my initial diagnosis, when I started experimenting with ink. If you haven't tried changing your style &/or medium, maybe give it a shot!
Because of something I have to go to today, I shuffled through old papers & records a couple nights ago...& found the old file full of letters. Mostly letters from my parents & from the woman my dad married later.*
Some of them go back almost three decades. So much has changed since then. Mine is a mixed reaction upon reading a few of them, but I'm mostly depressed. It's funny how there are always reasons for it... I'd gone through a lot of crap then & would go through more, but I had the hope of things working out in the future--I was young then, so I still had a future. I had energy then. My physical vitality was never 100% (was dx'ed with a less impactful but more embarrassing chronic condition when in my mid-twenties), but I still had some energy to burn. My other conditions, including the one that limits my life severely & somewhat randomly, had yet to emerge; of course neither I nor my parents had any inkling. Basically while I went through some hell & would go through more hell due to my family, but back then at least I had a couple high cards in my hand. Back then I still had a shot at life...
One condition I still suffered from then: Depression. The chronic kind. I was first dx'ed with it sometime in mid-teens, & no wonder. An excerpt from one of my dad's letters:
"No one can understand how you feel better than I do. I too have been swallowed up in a black abyss & have felt crushed by the awful weight of living."
The old man described it as well as anyone I've met, or read. It is something that I & tens of millions of others struggle with, some on a daily basis. In the worst cases people are bedbound by it; I've also been immobilized by depression though rarely. (These days, there are other options for keeping me in one place while doing nothing) ...yes, depression is nothing new. I could almost call it an old friend, if it weren't one of the more effective enemies of mankind.
Can't help but be amazed at how much can change in a few decades. I'm convinced that most people (in modernized countries) have no idea that we live in an unusual time. In the early 1990's the Internet was the technological breakthrough; so many were wildly optimistic about how it would change society for the better. The USSR cracked apart, democracy was spreading through eastern Europe & the US was the only great power on the planet. Fast-forward a bit: Everyone's addicted to social media, one of the biggest employers of young women is Onlyfans, Russia is doing its thing again,** & economically & culturally, China is eating our lunch...even while obesity-related diseases are the leading killers in the US & elsewhere in the West.
Gonna stop typing now because my downstairs neighbor is praying again & I need aural defense. Time for the music & earbuds.
*Mom & Dad divorced when I was little, & both of them remarried later in life. Neither marriage worked out, to put it mildly. Nor was what they inflicted on each other limited to their minds alone.
**In case you weren't aware of it, Russia has had expansionist tendencies ever since the early Russians fought off their Mongol overlords in the medieval era. Ukraine & other eastern European nations get invaded by the ivans at least once a century, & sometimes more than once. History does not repeat, but sometimes it rhymes.
Signed the lease for another year. Will probably come to hate this place more than I already do.
You Know You're Getting Older When: You don't find bars &/or clubs fun anymore.
Am tired tonight but can't sleep...
More appointments to come, incl. one this week.
Yesterday I did some fiber work to incorporate into a project later. Other than that, life still stinks.