in the wonders of my mind💗.

_{I read an article about the mpox lockdown}

_{idk what to say about it :') I don't want another lock down because obviously it's because of global health emergencies and so many people died in the last one and people lost their family and friends and sewerslide rates went up and alot of people developed mental health issues} 

_{and I don't want a lock down but I wish it was just the same way we had online school it's harder to learn for some people but the way our school did it was so nice}

_{but some people had to have huge tests virtually and some people had to graduate during that time through a car or online or something and it's one of the biggest moments of their lives probably and they couldn't even idk do it properly}

_{and right now monkey pox doesn't have a treatment and it's supposed to just heal on its own and I don't know what it's like but probably painful and it spreads so easily and}

_{maybe I don't want a lock down I guess. school online or face to face sucks either way, and lock downs are really serious I don't know if it'll spread herr}

@iloveyouxx 

We already have cases of mpox here 😞 online school was really hard for me because the whole point of school for me ks to get out of home so i dont want lockdown at all :'( 

@unassumingEyes

omg ): it’s spread to so many countries now, no cases have been reported here yet I really hope it doesn’t get too bad-if it hasn’t already :’) I get that I’m sorry >: at this point I don’t really know where to escape or get away, I don’t want a lockdown either, there have already been 457 deaths its really serious(from the info updated 2 days ago)😞I hope you’ll be safe and okay🩷please be careful 🩷🩷

@unassumingEyes

_{(random but is it okay if I post in the corner😅nfta💕)}

@iloveyouxx 

yes it's okay ofc ♥️ 

that's alot 😔 hope it gets better ♥️

@unassumingEyes

thankyou♥️♥️

mhm :') I do too❤️

I think someone's awake and I don't want to just walk in because they probably think I'm upstairs in my room you know sleeping. I don't want to scare them but I also don't know what to say like oh I was just taking a 5am stroll

5am strolls are okay but I don't think they trust me at this point they're gonna convince me I was out dealing I mean I don't want to make myself mad

I'll just say :') actually I won't say anything I'll just wait until they go away. 

_{I don't want to sneak in because then I'd feel like I'm doing something wrong.} 

_{I got in :') I'm not doing anything wrong. I just went on a mindful walk xD and I'm not hurting anyone. by going on a mindful walk :p} 

_{I don't know why I just felt like coming on here and  waffling} 

_{but I have to put this device away :') before anyone else wakes up.} 

_{my dad's not even trying to fix it he's not he keeps saying he'll take it to "the guy" and he doesn't or he says it'll be fixed by tomorrow and it's not and when I find ways to easily reset it because my device is under his apple ID he doesn't listen but} 

_{it's okay}

_anywho

_{Ill just go. byebye<3}

oh also I don't really care who it is but can you please stop sending referrals I don't need them but thankyou🩷

_{my brother fixed my device. and connected it to the internet and now I just need the apple ID} 

_{and this accounts still here :’) sorry🤍}

_{I need to be forced off of here for long enough to the point where I’m no longer addicted.}

_{It’s only 12am but I think I’m gonna go to sleep}

_{(look at me :> fixing my sleep :>/j)} 

_goodnight<3

_*poof*

_{I almost forgot- never mind I’m back.} 

_{my aunt told me ice died of old age}

_{she died of cancer.} 

_{actually she didn’t die she was- well it’s a complicated medical word I don’t remember but she was basically put on something to kll her and put her out of her suffering (the suffering part is what my uncle said)}

_{they took her to the vet the same day they thought she seemed off and looked sick and they got ultrasounds and she died there.}

_{my uncles going around telling people like "Ah did you know that ice died?" "Yeah yeah she had cancer"} 

_{he wants to get another cat. like cope in your own way but really-? for louis. louis didn’t even like ice, I don’t talk about it but every time she saw ice she’d attack her and i actually mean every time she saw her :’) ice never fought back. she’d just meow and sometimes louis would be chasing her but sometimes he’d just hit her and run. ice had marks all over her and under her fur.} 

_{my uncle says louis needs a companion. but before when he’d attack ice he’d say something about louis and his territory and he doesn’t like any other cat in his territory} 

_{but then why would you get another cat then :’) I don’t know what cancer it was or anything.} 

_{my uncle got this carpet thing in front of his garden and it’s split with a glass door and it was louis and ice and he made whoever made it make louis smile and he made ice look grumpy and mean.} 

_{I don’t want to say that no one cares because you never know and they don’t have to be showing it the way I’d see it but seriously when my uncle told me (after I already knew) he was smiling. my aunt told him not to get a cat but he actually really wants to. literally go ahead and replace her}

_{i mean it’s okay he can get a cat he can not care about her death it just makes me sad. ice only trusted a few people to be around her. people get scared but I’m only scared I’ll scare her. she’s was so sweet tho she was never gonna hurt you or anything :’) she trusted me sometimes, she trusted my aunt completely, she didn’t trust my uncle or their nanny or anyone else}

_{she was a really special cat. I feel like she understood really well, my aunt says anytime she was stressed out or tired she’d be there for her.} 

_{I love louis and my uncles nice (he just has clear favorites :p louis loves him so much more than he loves me-) im just sad about ice’s death not them}

_{louis is adorable but guilty of hurting his sister :’) he’s been so different now im not gonna go into it right now tho because I have to go}

I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep now but-goodnight- :p<3

*poof*

_{I’m back with my dad again.}

_{815720. that was my password :’) I keep putting it in. I never remembered the numbers I just knew the pattern and like, my fingers got used to typing it in. I remembered it started with 8 and I sort of knew there was a 1 but I wasn’t sure. I was thinking about it so much and trying to think of what word I might’ve made it (from the numbers but not from the letters there it was like. what numbers looked most like the letter idk I just made it up myself tho) or what numbers I might’ve used and for some reason I was so convinced there was a 4 but I know that was my password-. 815720. I feel like if I just waited a little bit for my brain to calm down and- refresh itself :'P I would’ve remembered and i wouldn’t have had to lose literally everything *** everything I checked everything I still have some accounts I made from here of course but I checked iCloud and everything and all my photos are gone. photos and videos and everything :') my notes are gone of course. I had so much on there too. I had this silly contract I made with my brother when we were young it was so formal but funny too, and his signature was there. I had so many petitions airdropped about school , I had these like stupid 4am creations I don’t know what to call them but I actually put time into those. I had poems and so many drawings I was so good at it using just the tools on notes for some reason but on real virtual drawing apps I was horrible. and honestly I don’t even remember I just had a lot and it’s all gone and I’m gonna forget more and more so that’s nice. my photos were everything to me tho if you just went across them you’d know me more than anyone else does my whole life was there.} 

_{and now I’ll have to be yelled at and sent to IT for like every class until my school apps and account and emails and stuff are all set up I think I’ve touched a pencil at home like twice all our work is on our devices my screen time is the highest in school. I’ll always hate how this school works it’s so unbelievable like I’ve been to I'm not gonna count but a lot of schools and this one just sucks :’) like again. all the teachers do is sit on their high chair and tell us to copy off the board, get on with the powerpoint independently you can discuss your answers but if I hear it getting too loud it’s a B1 this is your only warning *** *** *** I don’t know what I’m writing down. it’s topics we haven’t taken you skip to the next slide and there are the answers. I don’t have anyone to talk to I always get in trouble for things I didn’t do. they target the wrong people. one of my teachers just stayed until November (2 months) and hasn’t been there the entire year so for that class for the rest of the 8 months everyone would just go crazy. our biggest concern is for your safety and well-being part of our job is to protect you but the worst years of my life have been in this school I’ve never been worse and I’ll have to back there after tomorrow and everyone’s all oh are you excited for school no I’m not but seriously everyone I’ve been forced to think about it all day because I had to sit there with 8 people I barely knew other than my family and talk about school. they don’t teach and yeah I want to learn when I think about what I’ve learnt in year8 I think about that one math lesson where- oh wait that was year 7. well I think about that one math lesson 2 years ago when my math teacher back then started talking about cars}

_{its so hard to care because I legit just go in there wanting to run I just want to run it’s so horrible being there for me} 

_{one time in year7 I was basically just getting bullied and I just walked in the gates and went to second floor and someone said something and when they were gone I ran downstairs and I just ran and I was new ish at the time so someone thought I got lost and told me class was the other way and then they were like wait are you crying and I just ran again and I went to the big staircase and I saw them just standing there looking back at me and it was so crowded I was trying to cover my face I ran down I ran to the gates again and the security guy literally held me back and he almost got distracted enough for me to run out but I was running and he was just holding me back and at first he was like what what happened but eventually he stopped caring and probably thought I was gonna skip and he yelled at me to go to class and I can’t leave without the thing that idk a type of pass I guess it’s a long process to get one}

_{i got carried away.}

_{for what literally for what. to lock myself in bathrooms and cry because I don’t want anyone to see me and because I can’t *** take it I can’t stand being there I swear I remember walking back from an assembly last year and my head was just like d.ie just d.ie just *** d.ie just *** d.ie just *** d.ie}

_{im so scared. I wasn’t even this scared before I started typing.} 

_{and you know our apartment sent this thing to everyone living here that we need to move out cause (I don’t actually know maybe they’re selling can you sell an apartment? or maybe they’re destroying it but that would be random in the middle of like here like what would you replace it with or do you just not-)}

_{and my dad was asking my brother so um..you like this place here? And my brother wasn’t even saying anything he was just like why and he wouldn’t give an answer and I was like why don’t you ask me. and he just looked at me like I was some disgusting sort of person and he aggressively asked me but then I didn’t know what to say.} 

but later on they were talking about it again. my grandpa wants to move somewhere close to here for the school, and everyone else that knows about it says the same, and my dad says he picked this apartment specifically and all the other apartments are tight and don’t have a good view. my grandpa argues because he says we’re lucky that we live so close to the school and we do it’s less than a minute walk away and I am really lucky it’s so much easier and calmer. they were arguing about it for a while and I was like or we could just switch schools but seriously why’re they so obsessed with this school and my grandpa freaked out and he was like "what?! and why! isn’t this school nice and.." and from there he was just muttering but we can just switch to any school and I don’t know how to explain it but the first part of my school so um for example the schools name is icecream and the school I’m in is chocolate icecream but here there’re so many like strawberry and…well this is a wonderful example :> but it’s basically the same type of school and everything and it’s the same like…it’s connected and all the icecream schools have these competitions and stuff and if you were to move to strawberry icecream it’d be just the same. I know people from other schools that you know the same thing and it really is just the same. my example sucked but you know. 

my dad wants me to sit with them gonna go.

_{I wanted to sleep early today. there’s nothing I could say that’s anything different I guess. nothing new.} 

_{part of all the stuff my brother got on his birthday someone got him like 3 different types of rubik’s cubes, I only know how to solve the 3 by 3 ones and the fastest I’ve ever gotten was 19 seconds} 

_{but I was just playing with that one because I didn’t have anything else to do :’) and I didn’t get anything for my birthday which I’m okay with but my brother doesn’t really share} 

my dad was asking my brother to help him with something and my brother wasn’t so he came over and was like give it to me just just give it to me and I gave it to him and he literally just threw it on the floor and it broke into a bunch of pieces. I don’t even know like good job do you feel better now? and he kept yelling at both of us to help him but I swear he didn’t ask me it was my brother that he asked and it was my brother that was on his phone and not listening, it’s not even my rubik’s cube. what was the point of that. if he asked me to help him I swear I would’ve but he genuinely didn’t. my hearing sucks my memory sucks my ability to process things sucks but he genuinely didn’t ask me. he was looking for a reason to get mad but I didn’t do anything :’)

_{my grandpa had surgery. I don’t even get to know anything about it and no one’s gonna tell me anything} 

_{I think my dad left I’m gonna go check- :p}

_{it’s almost midnight now. my dads still not back} 

_{okay so obviously I need to sleep because I haven’t been as good at surviving while being sleep deprived like I used to be I keep falling asleep in the day. my uncle keeps telling me this isn’t good for me like yeah. I know. and he says that it can lead to depression which idk I’m not gonna like fact check I trust him he probably meant like- idk how to say it but he’s smarter than me so. but yeah I think it’s a little too late for that. ever since I’ve joined all the way till now it’s been 100% for depression and anxiety but I’m not miserable. I think. I’m not miserable all the time.} 

_anywho. 

_{also I just look ugly and messed up and tired all the time.} 

_{what if I just. what if I sleep in like the afternoon, wake up at 12am or like an hour to 3 later and get ready from then.} 

_{4pm-…..5 1 6 2 7 3 8 4 9 5…I can’t count in my head I get so lost. 10 6 11 7 12 8 01 9 02 10} 

_{so if I were to sleep as much as I possibly could from 4pm I’d wake up at 2}

_{im so scared :’) I can’t believe year9 is basically tomorrow. I got an extra month for summer break and it went by so insanely fast like I just left the gates and sat down and}

_{I don’t know. in 7 minutes it’ll be Monday, and when it’s Monday it’ll be school tomorrow. tomorrow :’) I’m not ready. I’m really not I mean I’ve said it before but like what do I even do how do I like what do I do with my face and also omg :’) what do I say when we’re introducing ourselves} 

_{I have to do that for every single new teacher so they can get to know all of us better but really they don’t care. they’d make you stand up and say your name where you’re from and then random stuff like your favorite color or sometimes they’d make you say one thing you like and one thing you don’t like}

_{what do I say that I don’t like.} 

_{actually im not mentally prepared enough :’)}

_{I’ll just say that i like drawing because that’s what I always say, and I’ll say….}

_{what don’t I like :’) I don’t like people. I like some people} 

_{1 minute till midnight.} 

_{gonna go.}

_{I have school tomorrow. first day of year 9.}

_{I’m really excited. they need to make the summer breaks shorter tho, I’ve been waiting for this and especially with the whole switching to 9b thing I’m gonna make new friendss and you know the teachers are really nice I’ve heard about them this is gonna be such a good year :)}

_*** 

_{I’m so excited to have panic attacks in the middle of hallways. I’m so excited to be stared at to the point where I want to cry because I feel like there’s something wrong with me, so excited to be the center of attention, so excited to be yelled at for not participating enough}

_{my primary teacher once made a list of her favorite to least favorite students which now I know wasn’t allowed it was a whole lesson with games and stuff and she did that and I was at the bottom and she was like mmm (nadia) you’re okayyy you can just like you knoww involve yourself more and take part in our lessons yeahh?}

_{oh my dads actually here gotta go-}

_{my dad caught me awake :’) and got mad and.} 

then he took my device but he left the door open this morning, the door to his room and that’s where he hides and keeps everything so my brother woke me up when he left to tell me the door was open :p 

_{KHDA messaged me :D} 

_{they messaged my dad but our devices are connected so I got the message. I translated it.} 

_"Welcome to a new academic year! We wish your children a year of learning, fun and growth. Let’s make it a great year together. "

:p 

_{I really don’t want to :’)}

start another year in this school. now I’m too tired to complain about it

I’ll just go for now 

_{feels so good knowing I’ll actually have my device until my dad comes back :p I missed this but that meant everything on it too and now it’s like I just bought a whole new one. might as well just replace it at this point there’s nothing on here I want to keep anymore and now if I had a whole new device it would just be the same I’d keep some of my accounts and everything else would be the same} 

_{I was supposed to go I’ll go now :>}

_{I’ve been really mad lately :') I really don’t like being mad. but I’m mad at everything I’m mad at the system and how everything works and I’m mad at people and people I don’t get like the people that drive kids to sui for fun and then laugh at them. the people that say they fantasize about getting kidnapped and raped but if you want it then it’s not really rape is it. I’m sorry if I talk about idk dark topics openly I guess, I feel like I just make everyone leave. the people that say they’re always there for you and then they’re not. they never actually were. and I was always alone. the people that make jokes out of disabilities and things real people go through. I got told I walk like an autist, how does an autist walk? the people that treat other people worse because of who they like. or their race. or gender. or country or appearance it’s the first thing you get to judge someone for and here no one has to know any of that and I still feel like I’m being judged} 

_{I'm mad at how people change. like one day you were the kindest person i knew and we were gonna go to college together and live together and go to work together and always be best friends and now all you want to do is hurt people. for your entertainment and for your audience. so good for you.} 

_{and I don’t even care anymore. if someone held a gun to head I’d tell them to shoot. I’m not scared to die. Im a good person I always try to be, and I know I need to hurt to know what it’s like to be happy but I can’t hurt anymore and it feels like I’m already dead I feel like I’m already dead} 

I’ve said it before but I remember in year 8 at school my skin genuinely looked grey. and I woke up every day gasping my first thought when I’d wake up would just be "school" and then I’d open my eyes and I felt like I was underwater and I’d wake up with my heart beating every day just loud not fast but so loud

I don’t think I’ll ever be close to anyone the same way I was with the now dead body I moved a continent away from 

hold on my grandpa needs help. :’)

_{my grandma says my dads gonna be late today}

_{I’m trying so hard to prepare but I don’t know what to do :’)}