in the wonders of my mind💗.

_{I got my brother's phone again. but he didn't really give it to me this time :') idk if I should feel bad}

_{It's 4am again. we're traveling again in 9 days}

_{TW I know I never go these in but idk what to say :')} 

_{I sleepwalk really often. and I've moved chairs around and set the microwave on and I've vomited in my sleep before I don't know if that's normal. but I was 9 when that happened.} 

_{and last night- or morning I think I slept at... 7/8. I woke up on a different bed and all my clothes had orange stains on them. vibrant 'sharp'. and my dad found orange stains on the carpets. and I only actually thought about the stains on my clothes then and I tried getting them off before he noticed and got so much more angry. and he didn't somehow he just kept yelling and cursing but that's it.} 

_{and since then I keep trying to figure out what happened. because I don't have anything that shade of orange or just orange at all. I went through everything mine or not accessible or not. there's that square thing you put your cups on. I just googled it they're called coasters-. and there's dish soap. and then I realized that's fully yellow and no where near what I was looking for. and I saw a bottle and it was orange wrong shade but orange. and the actual thing inside tho was fully clear.}

_{i don't know where my dad got it from but he started yelling at me and saying that I was eating mangos like seriously it's just so stupid atp. we don't even have mangos. I'm not just gonna pull them outta my pocket like it's nothing and walk around the house eating them. if he was gonna make a dumb accusation he could've said I was drinking or something but where am I gonna get mangos from. ofc where am I gonna get drugs from too but it'd make more sense if he accused me of that instead. he thought I was capping last year}

vaping last year*

_{It's the swipe keyboard-}

_{I'm gonna sleep I've been trying so hard but to and idk why. I'm kinda scared but the quest that can hashish is... something I won't think about}

worst that can happen * omg-

I had a picture of a good night cat but idk where that went

_{somethings happening to the phone I think :') but nvm found it🩷}

_{I’m so tired}

_{and it’s just so much and I can’t even talk about it I couldn’t} 

_{I really don’t expect a lot but why can’t someone just be a proper *** friend and not make me feel like im reliving smth I don’t wanna think about.} 

_{someone isn’t targeted at like everyone just one person but idk what to say}

_{:’) why do they keep switching accs I swear I’m not that stupid}

_{1:30 am which isn’t that bad. honestly it’s not bad at all but I’m mentioning that because dads still not back :’) he went out with his friend. "with his friend"}

_{my face swelled up. or most of my face.}

@iloveyouxx

😳

Your face?... That doesn't sound good. What's going on?!

@slowdecline48

oh lol XD my eyes swell up really often and my aunt says it’s an allergy but I don’t think so. and my face was red and puffy that day because there’s this thing that you’re not meant to put on your skin :’) so I put it on my skin. not to give any ideas tho. tw it’s just satisfying to hurt myself I think 

@iloveyouxx Hurting oneself is not helpful. Not to anyone, really.

Even so, I'm slightly relieved...at first I thought your dad or brother was practicing domestic backhand on the regular.

@slowdecline48

no I know :’) it doesn’t do anything 

oh no my dad wasn’t there that day and he still does as long as I’m still breathing. my brother does too but I’m not scared of him- thanks for being here slow🤍

_{I don’t care about myself really but the only reason I’m not like decomposing is because I try and look good for others literally.} 

_{I spend 1265 every…3? weeks on my hair. because my stylist said my hair was "too curly" and I needed to get it done more often so it would look perfect. her words. I don’t think silk straight hair is perfect or curly hair is bad but like :’) but then again I feel bad because I have like 3 people working on my hair and they’re obviously tired I don’t expect them to admire my natural hair and it’s only expensive because of my hair texture :’) and I remember one of them got mad at me because I paid the normal amount and she hadn’t seen my hair texture before then she started *** talking in another language but yk. it’s fine.} 

_{my skin can’t be fixed tho so I don’t try. it just breaks every while and goes away somehow. and I remember in covid when we had to wear masks I was 8 and the mask made my skin so irritated and messed up so my dad took me to a doctor and she said I was naturally born with really sensitive skin. I give up on my skin I don’t even touch it :’)}

_{and I remember this one girl in my arabic class at the beginning of the year was just fully analyzing me then went "you’re really really pretty actually but you just need…"}

_{that same girl would always say something like "why don’t you have friends like you can literally make friends so easy you’re really pretty and and" I interrupted her there idk what she was gonna say☠️actually I was trying to interrupt her the whole time. and it was annoying me so much because she started trying to give me a 101 how to make friends for beginners/nsrs and she’d say things like "okay okay just listen to me go up to a girl and compliment her and.." like wtf if I could make friends I would. I know I sound mean but that was end of term 2 and now she’s just like everyone else :’) and I didn’t think she’d change but she did like every single other new student.} 

_{my dad hasn’t stayed this late since our grandparents came and it’s 2am}

_{my grandma woke up and I told her my dads not back yet and she just asked about my brother-}

_{she didn’t hear me I think :p} 

_{she’s so sweet I love her :’)}

_{and my aunts been messaging}

_{my aunts famous☠️}

she’s on google and there’s full wikipedias and "people also ask"s and videos and quotes 

_{I feel so stupid because :’) most of my family’s famous. really famous and it’s kinda weird walking with them because we could go to a mall or something and people would run up to us and kids hug the family member depends and I’m just :’)} 

_{I’m gonna count.} 

_{so my aunts famous my uncle my second uncle my 3 cousins (one of them not that much but still widely known) my second aunt and oh wait more cousins :’) I’m gonna stop also I’m not counting that. but the aunt I was talking about is really really widely known and she’s been on tv and in interviews and people trying to talk to her etc. and one of my cousins is younger than me☠️but she’s in ads and she’s won so many medals in gymnastics competitions and she’s in videos etc. they’re all for different reasons. my uncles a doctor and there’s a Wikipedia on him and the name is "the best ent doctor in (country)". btw I tried looking up the best ent doctor in that country and it doesn’t actually show him it just shows like a list of people from before so don’t try that :p. my other uncle owns a big business. my second aunt and her daughter (my cousin) are really big on social media. my other cousins been in competitions} 

_{if it counts as anything the hair salon I go to makes content and after they dry out my hair they usually start videoing the back and like pulling it apart I guess to show how bad the before was☠️then they’d finish it and do the second part and I guess show how good it is now and like☠️it counts as something right☠️}

_{nd *** im thinking about the friends again :> I’m exhausted} 

_{I remember my bio caused so much drama before when I removed someone. and I put the user of a cups friend that left in the place so I could always remember it. and idek I guess they checked the list every single day or smth but they started talking about me and going "I don’t know why she cares about me anymore she removed me from my bio so idk why she’d care" …☠️I don’t atp I’m so done. I just didn’t consider them my friend anymore. they were the first person I removed. and they treated me like a pawn they never cared either is it that hard to just be a decent person and not} 

_{I’m pretty sure I added everyone I knew there. even if we had like 5 convos. I hadn’t updated that in months :’)}

_{my bio is still shorter than some people but I still reached the limit :’) and I tried to add a small sentence saying I did and my whole cups got messed up}