in the wonders of my mind💗.

my chest hurts real bad when I breathe. I'm being genuine lol it sounds so dumb :') 

suffocating is more comfy. there's also a possibility of fainting and organ damage :D

It's so dark.. 

visually and in my mind. :'P

wild thoughts.. 

It's so quiet too.. 

I'm not the biggest fan of quiet :'3

I could really use a hug.. but if someone touched me I'd freak and go to instinct-

@justmeeva

I saw your post a couple hours ago.💜in your corner.💜 I still get notified there- I tried to untick the "subscribe to this thread" thing. because I thought I wasn't in the place to be reading yous posts.🤍 but it didn't do anything.🤍

so I was reading the post and. I got scared.🤍 cos I thought you were talking about me.💙 then I realized I wasnt in 7th grade :') so that happened.💜

Ive never actually- *tw* cvt before.🤍but there's a rumor that (big tw) I've picked up a blade (cos apparently someone in the school sells them) in a class and that i.. sl1t my wrist. I guess. just in the class.🤍

that rumor was made becos all that stuff and mental health in general is the biggest joke here.🤍

if you talk about not being okay others would laugh and tell others. even if you hadn't specified why. just becos it's taken as a joke here.🤍

trauma and depression and anxiety and all that- people in my school and classmates make jokes about that every single day🤍

but they mostly make fun of and laugh about TW suicide related things.🤍

they made a joke about it literally today. in math. just randomly- but it's pretty cruel so I won't say what it was.🤍

but yeah. I didn't want to disturb your space but wanted to say this for some reason.💜 people go up to me now laughing with their friends and ask if I'm okay as a joke then leave before I can answer. if youd see their face expressions :')🤍it's so funny to them. I broke down at school one time. and istg everyone was just watching me and laughing so hard with their friends :')🤍 and gossiping ofc. so I chose to be numb and mute.🤍

thankyou for being different :'3🩷I- don't think I exactly know loads like you🩷sorry for dumping on you. I just-idk. I coulda sworn I had something to say :')🩷 I've only told one person in my whole life about the trauma I've had since I was 3(years old). their reaction just left me deciding to suffer in silence for the rest of my life. literally.💙

I'd talk to the girl maybe- or give her that hug. anything honestly. anything that shows a little care. no matter in what way or form💜but I get it if you're not that close and wouldn't want to💕it's okie💕

sorry for the essay. I'm not even meant to be up. :')🤍 I'm gonna go rest my eyes tho lol :'3🤍love you evafren💖🐢

@iloveyouxx 

idk if i’m allowed to reply here so feel free to just absolutely ignore it hehe <3

it’s okay, i never meant to ‘throw you out’ of my space, not at all 🥺 you’re absolutely welcome there, it’s just that i know you’re not doing the best right now so i didn’t wanna make you have to worry about me or deal with me or anything.. you can go there but you don’t have to, okay? 🩷 you’re still my friend 🥺🩷

i know the feeling of having to hide it when you’re not okay, because you’re not understood. some people just seem to lack empathy, i don’t understand how. they don’t even want to understand. and even if they do *know* about mental health struggles and stuff, they don’t *understand* it. they just don’t. and that’s tough. but some do understand. some do. 

*biggest hug to you if okay* 🩷 you don’t have to suffer in silence nadia. i understand how it’s hard to trust again once it was broken, but maybe it’s worth a try. it’s okay if you’re not ready to share anything yet. it’s okay to take time. it’s okay to not know.. anything. it’s okay. but what if there’s someone who could help you? someone who would make it even just a little easier? someone who is closer to you than you might realise. you’re not helpless nadia. you deserve help and support and love. you do. 

rest is good 🩷 i love you too, nadiafren ❤️

@justmeeva

nunu yous completely allowed to be here fren :0💞

nuu i never felt like you were🥺💜and I never feel like I have to “deal with you” D:💙I just never said anything cos my support sucks :')🤍and no one wants to see me there anyway. sorry I’m being negative again-

I am ?🥺💖im- pretty sure I lost all my friends :') to idek. cups friends- they all just poofed. and I got easily replaced :> cos I’m easily replaceable. they could’ve always found someone else to save their life so. idk why I’m alive :>> 

im still being negative- god. :') sorry💜

mhm :') I don’t understand it lol :'3🤍not mental health- just how people *work*. idk. some people are just so- ugh :') cruel. it confuses me. how they sleep at night knowing what they purposely do to others. but it doesn’t matter to them. cos others pain is entertaining in their eyes. idk.💜

*squeezes tight if okie*💓I don’t think I know someone :')🤍someone that could help me, who would make it even just a little easier, or someone that might be closer to me than I realize. I don’t know that someone :')🤍 don’t think they’re there either💜it’s okieee :'3💙 I might deserve those but I never get it. su :')💜

im sorry.💙my dad once said I was a whole package☠️idk what that’s supposed to mean T^T💜i think I’m just annoying to be around- virtually too apparently🩷I apologize a lot. :')💙cos I mess up a lot I thinks💜

hope you’re okie💕💕and that you have an at least decent day💞I think it’s 10am there- you won’t like waking up to this T^T🩷

*💖🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢💖*

@iloveyouxx

of course you still are 🥺 i know it can sound bad if you take it in the bad way, but istg i don’t mean it in a bad way at all; maybe.. it’s not that everyone else poofed.. maybe.. it’s you.. that poofed..? but keep reading, don’t go just yet. it’s not a bad thing, i’m not saying everything is your fault, and i understand why you’re not that active anymore. it’s hard, especially right now as you’re not doing so good. but maybe you haven’t lost everything and everyone. maybe it’s not too late. maybe everyone’s waiting for you, but they feel like they don’t want to bother you. it’s possible, you know - you can’t always guess what people need when they’re not so okie, some need their friends, some need space and time for themselves. maybe your friends think you need that second option? maybe you could just reach out, say hi, explain yourself when needed, talk. it’s absolutely up to you, but maybe you don’t have to be alone. isn’t it worth a try? just a “hi” and see what happens. i know how our brains can tell us all kinds of bad things, make us think nobody wants us etc, but i also know that it’s not at all always the case. when you think about it, you do have quite an amount of people on here who love you, don’t you? if you need anyone, reach out. and if for some reason it doesn’t work out.. then it’s not your fault. you tried. you did a good thing. 

if your brainie let you think it was meant with bad, don’t listen to it. read it again, as if it’s from someone who loves you. (ps, it is ❤️). i’m just trying to show you a different perspective, because it’s not all gone nadia. you’re more loved around here than you know. i promise. *offers a hug* 🩷

@justmeeva

:')..💜

I’m sorry.💜idk what I’m meant to say..💙it doesn’t sound bad🤍I think hoomans just think I have a “victim mindset” :') I do talk. I’ve talked in rooms. and never left with a bye. I get ignored each time. people don’t care eva🩷I just got replaced and I don’t matter to anyone. It’s fine. I asked someone why they cared about me and they seriously couldn’t give me an answer. I asked someone else if they’d care if I died and they avoided it. I know no one’s waiting for me tho. and people bother me all the time :'3 on purpose. because its funny🤍I know I can’t guess what someone might want. and that’s why some have said it right to me. they want me to. off- myself already. last time I’ve reached out I just realized I’m not safe anywhere anymore. I don’t want to be alone eva🩷but I am.💜 brains do be doing that :P💙I really did try to get help before fren🩷if you want- I can screenshot you all the listeners I’ve had before(and cover their user). I tried to count a couple times. It was over 50. most of them gave up on me- I’m being literal and not just negative💜I told some of them I was scared they’d give up on me and they promised they wouldn’t ever and now I’m just…I knew it :')🤍the rest- I was their listener- no. therapist. how I was never mattered. idk.🤍I can tell you all the helplines, websites, and people I’ve tried to get help from ?💙then idk if you’d still be convinced that I could get help.🩷I did poof. but I came back. no one wants me anywhere. I apologize to the world everyday for existing. idk what else I’m supposed to do.💜I’m sorry if I made you sad, or I sounded like I was denying anything🩷I’m sorry for being negative and not being able to see from another perspective🩷I’m sorry.🩷

I love you too..🩷I do🩷thankyou for trying🩷

@iloveyouxx 

i’m really really proud of you for trying. even though they didn’t go so well as i see, you tried. okay.. but then those people who don’t care, they’re not the right people. it’s true, you don’t always ‘click’ with everyone. and sometimes.. things change. feelings change. and that really sucks. but it’s not always personal. sometimes.. people just kind of isolate themselves from others when they’re not feeling well. so have you. so have i. it’s not your fault. i’m not trying to find excuses for the people who have been mean to you, there’s no excuse to making someone feel bad. but then.. they’re not the right people for you. if you feel like you haven’t found your people yet, then it doesn’t mean you never will. there’s someone for everyone. cups is a big potential for that. how about the corner for the 4 of us? you’re more than welcome there. you’re missed there. but i feel like all of us are going through tough times right now, as many other teenies. i think that if you said hi there, you’d get a warm welcome. i think you understand how when you’re having a hard time, it’s a challenge to take care of yourself, so checking up on your friends.. you just don’t seem to have the energy for that. it’s not personal, we haven’t forgotten about you, we haven’t changed our mindset or feelings for you, it’s just life. life’s making everything so hard right now. but maybe, that’s just the time to stay together the most. at least that’s the way i see it. 🩷

if you asked me why i care about you, i would have an answer. you’re kind, funny, super sweet, trying so hard when it’s so difficult, you’re supportive (and yes, i still think you are, even if you can’t be that right now 🩷), you’re so valuable. if some people can’t see that, they’re blind. some just.. rush to look for flaws and imperfections. and point them out. it’s easy to make our brain think that’s all we have - flaws and imperfections - when people constantly bring them out. but that’s not true. some people can see your value, and it’s much smarter to listen to them. to keep them. 

you don’t have to apologise about anything friend. it’s okay 🩷 no need to thank me, that’s what friends are for ❤️

@justmeeva

they’re not isolating themselves from anyone though :')🤍and not to me either.🤍some just ignore me. some just pretend we never knew each other. some make me feel left out and hurt. but a lot just say things that hurt me.🤍I don’t think my people exist💜eyes vents there. I don’t wanna just come in and say hi expecting a warm welcome :')💙this is nothing at all against what you’re saying btw- it’s more against me if anyone🩷and I can’t be supportive right now becos I suck at that and I’m already trying to help 6 people thatre going through active SI and yes theyve been to helplines before. they tell me I’m the only person that’s never hurt them and I know it’s true and not exaggerated and it hurts. but that’s not the point🤍. right now idk how to support. for a lotta reasons.💜I don’t care about myself. sorry but it’s not a challenge if I don’t bother trying :')💙it’s not that they don’t check on me :')🤍the way I see it is that’s just the time to other stop trying and let everything go- accept the unacceptable. or go numb and do nothing but what you’re told- stay up and study past midnight, starve till you’re forced to eat, suffer with a smile. all that kinda stuff.🤍you have a beautiful way of seeing things tho fren💖

I was gonna reply to the second thing- but I gotta go and don’t really feel like rewriting later🩷love you evabean🥺💜take care💙

@iloveyouxx 

*hugs you if okay* 😞🩷 i can’t really essay rn because my cat’s sleeping on me so i only have one hand free and writing this took me 5 minutes already (yes, i timed it ✨), but if it helps anything, i believe in you. and i love you. and with all my heart i hope you’ll keep going. i’m always here if you happen to need me, don’t ever be afraid to tag me. even just for a hi. 💕

@justmeeva

agyuinshtyisbitsuyohisiuyjysiyghsbtysitiuy🤧🤧💖omg you have a cat😭🥺and they’re sleeping on you..🥺💜aihgsgytsgt🤧💖thats so fricking adorable🤧🥺💖💖it means a lot-thankyou loveliestevabeann💗I loves you lots🩷really do💕💕

@iloveyouxx 

*whispers* i do.. in fact, i have two 🫢 and a doggo >:D my catto is still sleeping by my side ❤️

@justmeeva

eee smhsmh- me not sure if only I can see this D: but your text like-went into the wall (?) xD what am I saying lol ;-; it hard to explain🩷can yous just copy paste it ;-; cos I can't see it to reply :')🩷please💜

@iloveyouxx

D: big letters D:

@justmeeva

nvm I found a way :D 

omg🥺💜that's so cutu🤧💙yk when I was younger I made a whole PowerPoint presentation trying to convince my dad to get me a kittie :')🤍he never did T^T🤍no one loafs kitties more than I do heheh :33💖

if it's okie to answer- what're your kitties names hehe :P💕do you have a photo :o I likes obsessing over cat photos :3 I have a whole album😈I can show you if you want😁but there are like 100s of photos to get through.. :P🩷

@iloveyouxx 

i think i can find you some pictures.. >:D prepare yourself >:) /lh

@justmeeva

omgomg really🥺 I'm prepared >:D🩷

@iloveyouxx 

also- should i make a new thread because of the wall that's eating our text- or?

@justmeeva

lmaooo you see it too T^T yus do that T^T💜

I love how I still can’t get over this :')💖

I think it’s a bit more unclear here-

@iloveyouxx

(Is it okie to respond here?😮)

(Awww I'm glad you found it to be beautiful hehe, Nadiaabeaniee, you're soooo beautiful and you deserve the beautiful-most things in the world🥺🥰)

(Forums ruin quality upon uploading of the graphics sometime smh, would you like a link to the graphic in a better quality?😮💗 I can share here or in our chat-space forum hehe) 

(I love youu🤗💗) 

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

sunnies :o ofccc it iss :0💞

sunbeannieee🥺💖not you switching this to mee :')💜we're trying to appreciate *youuuu* fren💕🥺me thinks sunbuddy is a v appreciate-able persun😛💗

oo if a link shows your ✨masterpeice✨clearer than sure xD a link sounds great hehe💜

lovee youu morreee always🥺🤗💖

and fren yous vv welcome here :0🤍 *pulls you outta brackets* xD🤍I didn't think I made hoomans feel unwelcomed :')🤍me just didn't think anyone wanted to be here🤍. 

but sunbuddybeann has a special VIP pass XD😛💗frendos get special VIP pass🫡💞cos I'm only frens w VIPs xD💝/lh

It’s still so beautiful tho🥺💖 @Sunisshiningandsoareyou

@iloveyouxx

Yessss, but this switch isn't even a hard one to press lol, its soooo naturally always on to share ✨facts✨ about Nadiaabeaanieee.🥰💗

Me thinks *you* is a vvvvvvv appreciate-able persun too! (I did see what you did there with the "perSUN" lolllll)😛💗

Weeeeweee here it is ✨masterpiece✨ (click click, yessss, vv safe link) 

Hahaha thank youu for pulling me outta brackets xD I do enjoy the bracket-talksiee though, it's like talking under a comfy blankieee?!😂😭🥰 so much funsieees!

What what :0 Are you kidding, Nadiaabeaaan? :0 you have soooo many lovely friends who care about you soooo much, of course we'd all love to be here and talk to you, support you, sit with you, laugh with you, hug you and just *be* with youu.

But but, sometimes everyone needs a little personal space too and can use some privacy, if they prefer and there's absolutely nothing wrong in wanting a personal space for you to share uninterrupted or with a lesserrr fear of judgement, invalidation/ people reading what you share etc. (it's hard to shake this fear off mhm?🤧) ~

You is the mosttt welcoming hooman everrr and now that I have a special VIP pass you might see me in this one more hehe.

(And you can always let us know if you prefer no lurky/ reading/ replying at all or just replying when you tag us in a comment or something within this thread 💗 you are allowed to have your comfy zone too okiee)

Yusss, you are of course, frens w VIPs only because you is the I-iestttt of all the VIP's!🥰

*feels more loved*🥺💗

💗*loves you moreeee*💗

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

sunniebean😭nuuu- me won't let you be this nice to nadiabeanie🥺😭

😛💞perSUN lolllll🤭😛☀️

omg wait what no what the fluff- :0🤍 it looks so.. magical :'3💖I thought it'd just be a teenie bit clearer but woah that made a difference xD💗I'm- genuinely curious on how you've made something like that :'P🩷I'm just staring at it like ;-;..howwww T^T🤍yous don't know how much I lovvvveee and appreciatttee this sunbeann💖I just sucks at showing it xD💞T^T💙

like talking under a comfy blankiee?💝😂I loves that xD💜vv much funsieess indeedioo!💗

🩷that's soo sweet sunbeanie..🥺💕💕so you're just deciding to drown me in love and sweetie-ness huh :')💜I feel like sunniefren is the type of persun(😛) to make anyone they talks to have a change of heart for the good :P🤍 how can you knuw suneone like this and be unkind :')💙

xD I love how sunnie almost always be overexplaining xD not in a bad way nu- I agree💜sometimes when hoomanbeans are low they need space-💙and sometimes they need to knuw someones there🩷sometimes they need something else and it's all okiee💗

yippppeeee I'd lovelovvee to see you here- sunbuddy💖🎉

and thankyouu for the reassurance💕but yous have a VVIP pass sunbeannn😛😎yep! just yous😁you're always vv welcome here anytime for any reasun💜

nuuu you cant💗nadiafren will always loves you more🥺💖🐢

@justmeeva

omg the more you talked there the more the wall nommed :')💜we can continue here :PP💙

@iloveyouxx 

good idea xD brbb, also, do you want a cute picture or a funny one? 🤔 yes, we're fancy and have options :p xD

@justmeeva

suree tyttt💜

xD anything all of em lol or just mm your fav ? I personally can't pick favs when it comes to cats xD :P

but yus anything is great cos it's cats hehe :33💕

@iloveyouxx

sheyjebw8jais big letters D: *hides* D:

@iloveyouxx 

here’s my baby nr 1 :D her name is ✨shelly✨, she’s an absolute beauty hehe. 

andd baby nr 2, ✨shanel✨, she’s a funny lil girl lol :p those two have a funny coincidence story buttt it’s your vent space so idk if i’m gonna just take it over like that- so absolutely tell me if i talk too much oke?

@justmeeva

omgggeesss🥺💖💖nono please take over lmao :0 I lovveee hearing about kitties :3 go ahead xD I’m all ears :3🩷

@iloveyouxx 

okiee >:D it might sound messy and confusing tho i’m not good at writing long stories 🫣🤧

basically, we used to have a siamese catto. she was vv loving and always wanted to be with us and everything, she loved company. then, on one summer day, we came home and found out that she had given birth to two baby cattos, one of them being shelly (the creamy fur catto). we kept shelly and gave the other away to our grandparents. shelly and her sibling are both pretty shy (though shelly is beginning to be a bit more ‘social’ day by day hehe). then after a few years, the mom catto got lost. we never found her, we don’t know what happened to her. it was only shelly then, for quite many years. 

then, one day in the summer, we randomly came across a post that said that there were a few stray siamese kitties somewhere, and we joined to try and find them. we went to search for them with a few other people, but we didn’t find them. i’m not sure if they were found at all, i think they were? but not by us hehe. we did really want a siamese cat tho, so i started searching for siamese kittens for sale. i finally found one (shanel), and started begging my mom hehe. she finally agreed. we went to pick her up, she was so tiny and cute and scared at first, but i was the first person she started trusting (i’m ✨special✨ /j) and she started becoming braver and more curious soon. *dropping a lil image of baby shanel here :>* (idk why it’s sideways it normal in my phone 😭)

we found out that she was born on the exact same day as shelly, so as a siamese catto she’s connected to shelly’s mom and being born on the same day, she’s ‘connected’ to shelly too :> yeah she’s a funny special lil baby 🩷

@justmeeva

awwwweee🥺💕💕💕pleasssee always feel free to share any kittie stories/photos xD💖I love *everything* kittie :3 even when I’m venting💜they make me feel better💙and yous always welcome here either way🩷

 

this is louis/lio/lou :3💖he’s my lil idiot baby :3💕/lh that’s not a bad thing btw T^T💙he just really clueless and confuzled and an adorable idiot- all the time xD💜

I could talk about him all day :3 I’ve written loads of essays about louis before :P💜

suuu some things about louis :D✨

wait I gotta go ;-; ofc when I was about to write an essay ugh smh T^T🤍I’ll just finish from where I left off but later ! sorry fren !🤍love you take care🩷