in the wonders of my mindš.
hey there :D hm. last time I checked you didnāt look like meš§makes sense doesnāt itšsince there can only be one *me*āØone of a kind now arent Iš/sar. one out of 8118835999āØš·can you imagine :0 o right- you can- becoss youāre also one of a kindš sorrysorry haha :Pš¤im just messing around xDšalso itās 2am- but shush no snitchingš¤«Iāll sleep in a whilešwhen Iām feeling a bit more sane :>šš©·
wanted to have my own space.š for thoughts feelings vents or just anything on my mind.š
to whoever'sĀ coming acrossĀ :'3šplease dont lurk here.š©· I know anyone can have access to this forumĀ :')šbut please be respectfulš©·.(but honestly..I know someone will either way :Pš yāall get crazy nosy haha- itās alright.šnothing too interesting will be here anywayšif you would like to come in and be supportive itās completely okiešbut please donāt make it a regular or "normal" thing if that makes sense. just have a sort of limitšbecause Iād still like this to be just my space ^-^š)
when anorxia was bad I looked so unhealthy and my bones just popped out. and then I went to overeating- but- severe overeating. I didnāt have any control over myself. but I barely gained anything. thereās this whole science behind it but Iām not gonna go into that. then I went to starving myself again but making myself vomit anytime I did eat. and that lead to the throat problem and now I vomit blood- something to do with the pressure of the um- I wasnāt listening- I kinda wanna starve myself again. I put younger me through the worst months to years of my life but I donāt care. I wanna do it again.Ā
okay wait I wanna talk about sumthing-
so Iām just gonna put some codenames.Ā
ms muppet- (my head of year) (cos idk she reminds me of one of them- no offense tho- seriously-)
L1 and L2 (classmates, okay well a little more than that- theyāre kinda a main part of the group that started all the rumors and confronted the girl about all the things she didnāt do- and one of the girls in that group death threatened her then it went onto all the graffiti and all that. so yeah- maybe just. more than classmates.)
A and R (okay so these are classmates- guy classmates- in my math class. theyāre in my lead class. and in most of my sets except for french arabic islamic and science I think. I kinda forget they exist sometimes. weāre okay I guess- idk if Iād call us friends but weāre okay.)
S ( the girl- the one Iām friends with and the one thatās been a victim of all that stuff. )
F ( classmate- ex friend but she doesnāt have great memory and has dyslexia. sheās honestly sweet kinda. temper problems but I try to make her happy. )
so this was a thursday or whatever. the day I literally felt like I was dying- idk if anyone remembers that- lol no oneās gonn read this cos we all know Iām lonely as ***. how lonely you can get is actually mildly insane. sorry-.Ā
so first lesson I asked to go to the bathroom before the lesson even started- before the teacher even let us in- since we line up outside. I was okay. I just needed to breathe. I spent like Iām gonna guess 10 ish minutes just aggressively breathing in that bathroom. nothing happened btw. it wasnāt like a mental thing or whatever- I wasnāt panicking- I was just in pain and idk. really sick. my heart hurt so bad and my body was numb and weak and I couldnāt even walk. everything hurt. I was scared my teacher was gonna get mad so I just tied my hair up and went to class. we were preparing our presentations for the end of year reports- they were assessed and individual- I have no confidence without others- but with others I feel horrible- itās just the standing infront of everyone and um. anyway. I couldnāt even talk. lesson ends 9:05 and I remember checking it was 8:19 when I started feeling even worse- everything was so warm around me- I didnāt even check to see if anyone was looking at me cos I was in so much pain I just didnāt care. I was coughing so hard and gasping for breath idek I just couldnāt breathe. then my teacher let me leave first at 9 and I used all my energy to go to IT (which was in the same hallway :ā) I donāt think I wouldāve survived another way)Ā
I went to my IT teacher and she asked if I was okay and I feel bad because obviously everyone skips IT and leaves for the nurse/bathroom just to skip it (or they donāt show up at all) so last lesson that teacher said it wasnāt allowed anymore (it already kinda wasnt because of the incident but she still let us). I never didnāt show up to her class or left at any point. but I still feel bad. and I said I needed to go to the nurse and she was so nice about it :ā) and I just wanted to *** kick myself because bro why you gotta be so *** physically broken I feel so bad about it tho. and then she kept everyone waiting but took me in her class to give me a note for the nurse and asked if I was okay again. I still wasnāt. I said no- Iāve never done that before-. I went to the nurse and there was a group of girls in my year group going up the stairs while I was going down, I think they were like 8J or something. and one of them asked me if I was okay tooā ļøand I said yeah Iām just kinda sick(I wasnāt just kinda sick.)- she looked so concerned- and- I looked so concerning-Ā
I made it to nurse. I clicked the thing- itās not like a doorbell or anything it just makes them see that someoneās there but no one opened so I just opened it myself. Iām gonna skip this part because it just makes me mad. but basically they gave me *** panadol and told me to go back to class. Iām not even joking if thereās nothing wrong with your saturation and you donāt have a fever all they do is give you panadol and send you back to class.Ā
the nurse wrote the time she let me go back but I honestly didnāt care. I just went back to the girls bathroom and was just. breathing. it was so empty. my teacher didnāt even end up looking at it and I just walked in and no one noticed- it was so loud.Ā
this isnāt really the main part about L1 but she asked me where i was (for the gossipĀ and I know that.) and I told her I was at the nurse. (she was disappointed.)
F asked me if I was feeling okay- bro Iām sorry but she looked crazy concerned- idk if I really looked that bad but whatever. then idk we talked and she told me what we were doing- which- I just pretended I was doing the work- I literally just wanted it to be over Iām sorry.Ā
when IT was over we had break. I went up to third floor- 4 staircases up- it was incredibly crowded :ā) no oneās allowed on third floor in breaks (unless youāre part of something) but I go there when Iām alone. itās so quiet. calm- empty- but mostly just. quiet.Ā
I go down to english 5 minutes early just because itās on second floor and it was a lot of stairs down.Ā
our english teacher is always late- so when my classmates actually started to come by the time class started we were still waiting- random details- but we went in. I wanted to ask to go to nurse again but my seat was kinda far from the teacher and idk. it was really quiet too because we were doing this thing and if he saw us talking heād- yeah I forgot Iām sorry- maybe it was a behavior point or something, and I felt weird because I knew itād draw all that attention in-Ā
so. :ā) ms muppet comes in. and she asks if she can borrow me and S. S hasnāt been in for 3 days at that point- teacher mentions that so she asks if she could just borrow me instead. idk why they use the word borrow- is that normal?Ā
she asks how I am and all that. Idk why she looked so happy tho. like she was genuinely so interested in the fact Iāve been so sick for so long and I couldnāt attend my cousinās wedding :ā) no offense or anything she was just smiling so wide. her smile is pretty tho.Ā
then she tells me she had news for me and she wanted to see how I would take it.Ā
theyāre thinking of switching me and S to a new lead. for a fresh start and all that.Ā
okay I should sum this up- so my unofficial decision was that I did want that- Iām not allowed to tell S about it until they talk to her themselves. but if her decision is different than ofc Iām gonna change mine. Iām okay with both kinda- the lead they want to switch us to isnāt that bad. I mean. I kinda like my lead- okay no I hate it- I hate everyone in it and everyone in it is just pure evil. they find joy in your pain and feel better when they make you feel worse. theyāre hearts are so cold and cruel and- sorry-Ā
but Iām so used to it. but yeah Iām okay with both. Iām indecisive and idk-I donāt trust myself-
so trying to sum this up again- I had science after- I went in class before anyone else without permission just because I was in so much pain and wanted to go to the nurse and my science teacher- :ā) Iām sorry :ā) but the way she talks is so insanely fake. Itās so fake. and itās so annoying omigod. sorry- but she didnāt let me and idk I didnāt even wanna hear her talk anymore so I just dealt with it. seating plan in science puts me in the back of the class so I was just being a suicidal *** at the back of the class.Ā
we had lunch. I went up to third floor again and everything was just how it was.Ā
2 more lessons to go. so now we had math. I went down 5 minutes early again because math is also on second floor- just a whole different hallway- after 5 minutes everyone was there. waiting for the teacher.Ā
L1 and L2 went up to me and started asking me what ms muppet wanted and what she said/why she needed me :p they had their group with them but they were the only ones talking to me. I said I wasnāt allowed to talk about it until it was confirmed. they asked when thatād be and I said when S comes back and talks to ms muppet and they thought about it and asked if it had sumthing to do with them and I said no. they made me swear on a bunch of *** but Iām pretty sure they didnāt believe me. I kept saying they were gonna find out later anyway and that it was just kinda a change? and L2 asked if we were moving classes but I had to say no. we went back and forth for a couple of minutes until our math teacher came.Ā
so in my seating plan in maths I sit with S R and A. In like a table group. S wasnāt there obviously.Ā
so first I asked A for a pen ( I forgot my whole pencil case that day- ) (he has everything in his pencilcase btw so I always ask him) and he was looking around his pencilcase- he was testing like 3 of his pens(he tested them on his friend btw- R- so I was just-ā ļøtheyāre so stupid it just makes me laugh-)to see which worked and while he was doing that he just said "oh yeah why did ms muppet want you in english"Ā
we had to be quiet after that for a while because we were working on our own through this powerpoint but when we got the chance to talk I asked him if someone told him to ask me. because idk. I donāt trust that they wouldnāt do that. but he said no and he was just curious. he said I didnāt have to tell him but he was just curious :p but I felt bad :pĀ
I donāt really know how to explain that convo. because the whole thing was so funny like idk. Iām gonna skip to the part where I mentioned death threats and this is how it went okay-
me: yeah and then it just escalated to death threats too and then the
A: DEATH THREATS
A: to you? who?
R: death threats :o
R: did she say death threats
A: I heard death threats.
R: I heard death threats too.Ā
like I love how I was right there and they coulda just askedā ļø
then R went to his own thing and I said that it wasnāt to me it was to S and that I was moving with her just to be there with her and all that. then he said he understood and that he wouldnāt tell anyone- but he kept repeating that he wouldnāt tell anyone.Ā
R: who got death threats
A: no so like basically
ā¦I started laughing so hardā ļøI was just fully banging on the table and covering my face because I was just laughing so hard- I almost fell off my chair too. then A said "nonono okay okay but heās the only person Iām gonna tell I wonāt tell anyone I swear I swear heās the only one- R YOURE NOT GONNA TELL ANYONE RIGHT"
like damn I trust thatš¤
there was so much to that convo that Iām not gonna go into details about but it was just so hilariousā ļø
then we had french and these girls were being *** and I wanted to *** break their jaw but. I didnāt. it wasnāt to me btw. Iāve said this before but Iāve never physically hurt anyone(on purpose at least)(okay other than my brother-) but I still know what I can do.Ā
I stayed after school for about an hour. I stayed with a couple of people until they left but after that I just liked being alone and the school was really really empty too. youāre also not allowed to stay after school if you dont have a valid reason to. my reason didnāt go into the valid category :D but there were no teachers and most classrooms the lights were switched off.Ā
today my dad emailed my lead teacher without me even knowing -that I wasnāt gonna be in school today. heās never let me just not go. Iāve been in such serious situations before but- :ā) wow :ā) it wasnāt anything amazing tho. I just grieved my abilities strength energy and Ā feelings of not dying in my bed the whole day. I didnāt even move.Ā
I have to go- and Iām at the end of my post :0 that no one ever asked for lol :0 my dad was busy the whole time so Iām surprised I got this far.Ā
@iloveyouxx It's sad that people act the way they do towards others. No regard of what it does to someone šĀ
I wonder if you were pale and that's why people were concerned about you š
@mytwistedsoul
wait did you actually read that?
and I mean yeah. what it does to someone isnāt something anyone in my school would think about twice soul. I donāt know how to explain it but the people in my school arenāt just bullies. theyāre just a whole other thingĀ :') idk. I donāt get people.Ā
no Iām naturally pale lol :0 my friend says Iām so white I look whitewashed(not sure what that means- well I kinda know I think.) I think I was just really red. I just randomly get red but at the time when I couldnāt breathe and everything felt so hot around me I was most likely red :p but I did feel faint. idk. I donāt think I can get paler-
(my dads talking to one of his girlfriends so Iām good for a while- but if I randomly poof Iām sorryš©·)
@iloveyouxx I did š It surprises me at times that so many people can be so callous towards other people šĀ
@mytwistedsoul
huhĀ :') I didnāt expect anyone to.Ā Ā
I had to search that word up :P it makes so much sense tho. š
thatās true :0š¤you can tell a lot from the eyes.š©·at least I know I can.Ā
also I fell asleep Iām sorry- my eyes got blurry and I thought I typed that(and could post it)but I made a ton of mistakes but after that I couldnāt type anymore and fell asleep. :p then I kept looking for your post is page 70- I make things sound so complicated.Ā
@iloveyouxx I can be a little odd that way I guess when it comes to reading things lol. I can tell alot from someone's eyes too and their tone - even in text you can pick up tone sometimesĀ
dads still busy- he hasnāt even come in or anything- he hasnāt taken this device either- heās been busy the whole time. Ā