@amiableBunny4016 You're always so sweet and kind to everyone. I wish that everyone that came into your life treated you with the same sweetness and kindness that you give to so many

@mytwistedsoul

I have a little sibling. You see.... i never like to complain because he is a part of my life after all. I love him. But i always craved for someone older, someone who would understand and hear me out. I always wished i wasn't the eldest to carry so much on my back and not have anyone to depend on. There was no one.

It seems like my wishes have come true. You are the big brother I never had. your so kind and loving and everything i could ever ask for. Thank you soul. for always being there through everything.

I hear you. Putting things into words are difficult especially feelings and emotions or things about our life. Its hard to make sense of how we are feeling and whats going on around us. I know sometimes we are in such a desolate, lonely place in our life, and we just feel empty. Like there is nothing to give or let go of, nothing to feel or understand, or put together. Its just all blank. Grieving so many things at once sounds like so much to deal with, i'm so so sorry soul. Your carrying so much pain and burden on you. I know grief is almost like the lights went out, and your trying to find your way through the dark. 

Your trying to keep yourself safe in the midst of all this chaos in your mind and i'm so so proud of you. I know it sounds cringy and unhelpful but its okay to not quiet have the words for how your feeling. Its okay to not be ready to talk. Its okay to take a moment, and just be alone and quiet. Its okay to talk when your ready, and me or someone else will try to  be there with open arms to sit by you. 

haha. don't worry about how long it gets. honestly, i like reading what other people got to say otherwise my life gets boring not talking to people. 

i'm all good. My life is pretty much the same as its always been. Screamind and yelling and hiding away. Oh well.. it is what it is after all.

take care of yourself too.

Love,

Bunny

@amiableBunny4016

hi bun, i know this isn't my place and i typically don't reply here but i just wanted you to know that being the older sibling and longing for someone older isn't uncommon. i really deeply feel exactly that longing and i know how hard it can be sometimes (': i'm so sorry that you feel like this and i know you care so so much for your little sibling, but remember to take some time to care for yourself too okay?

@mysteriousClover

hi clover... nice seeing you here. thanks for the caring message. i'll try to remember and yeah, sometimes as an elder sibling its like there is not much space to lean on. oh well..... cya around. hope you take care of yourself too. 

@amiableBunny4016 I used to wish for that too when I was a kid. Just to have someone to talk to - to go to. It sucked being the only kid. But you - you do carry alot of responsibility being big sister. I know it's not the same - I mean realistically it can't be the same because we're so far apart but I'm here - if you ever need an ear

Your reply made me smile. You'd be a pretty cool little sister 💙

Thank you. For being so open and understanding. It is alot like being in the dark. Other than you and a few others here there not many people in my life. Some days it feels like I'm the only person left alive in the world. And I know alot of it is my own fault because I keep to myself but it's just so dang hard to trust people to let them in. Even though I'm all grown up now - people still very much scare me at times. They're loud and obnoxious and aggressive and I just freeze. lol TMI 😅

Hiding is probably best. I used to do that alot. Try to stay out of sight so I didn't cross her mind. I'm so sorry you have to live in a house like that 💙 Just hang in there. Do the best you can to keep yourself safe and as soon as you can get the flock out

@mytwistedsoul

(sorry if i waffle by the way, i talk way tooo much)

*sends hugs* its okay. sometimes, we find ourselves stuck in the darkness and i get how you feel about people and being scared. the world is a scary place and there is alot of loud and strange people out there. its okay to be scared. 💙 

and you would be the coolest older brother haha 💙

yeah.... lol. I try to deal with her in different ways. Now the only thing i've learnt is silence. just silence. it solves everything. lol.

Bunny :) 

i am so not ready for my exam result tommorow... 

the stress and panic of it has already overcome me... idk man. i'm not ready for the result tommorow.. what if i did badly? paper 2 was good but paper 1 was terrible so what is it going to look like combined together? i'm gonna look like such an idiot in front of my friends. i got one of  the best marks on the mocks but... idk. the real exam was like.... bad. 

this thing has been in my mind... since the holiday started. these freaking exam results will  kill me.

this is the only thing that gives me my self respect and self worth back because i have none of it.

@amiableBunny4016 Deep breaths. I know grades are important. You stayed on top of your school work even when you were sick and in the hospital. I have faith in you. You're incredibly smart Bunny. I bet you did really good on your exams. I know you find your worth in those good grades - I think you're worth more than all the good grades combined 💙

@mytwistedsoul

sorry for venting, i'm just really stressed about it. <3 *hugs* no pressure to read or respond

 studied really really really really really hard. i was studying 4-5 hours for it T-T  but we'll have to see tommorow morning i think it comes out at 8 in the morning... *dies* i'm praying for my life because my mum gets the email too and if she sees what i got... she will either murder me or spare me. 😭 if i don't get a grade 9 i'm dead. (grade 9 is the best grade, grade 1 is the worst). i got grade 9 on mocks but those were really easy. i just realised for the questions that were like 12 marks i probably didn't do well. T-T iwaehthtuwahtaehtiawhtuiehtwiehteiwhtiuewhtwet. 

@amiableBunny4016 Don't be sorry for venting 💙 *give big hugs* I understand! I'll keep my fingers, toes, legs and eyes crossed that you get a grade that she'll be happy with

@mytwistedsoul

hahahaha. how do you keep your eyes crossed!? *hugs tightly* 💙 

@amiableBunny4016 Very very carefully 😅 the only problem is I keep running into things  😁

@mytwistedsoul

oh no! *un-crosses eyes* eyes can stay un-crossed lol. and so can your legs lol, how do you walk with crossed legs! 😄 the things you do for me lol xD 

@amiableBunny4016 😁 Thank you! Yay for the legs too! All the hopping was tiring 🤪 And the cat was looking at me like I was nuts!

s t r e s s 

s t r e s s 

s t r e s s 

s t r e s s 

s t r e s s

oof.

@amiableBunny4016

It is not even my results and I'm vicariously panicking too xD 😭 see Bunnbun? results have that effect on hooman brain. Vvvv natural to feel all stressed out and panicky. *holds you in hugs* ❤

Sooooooo we gonna try breathing ("how unique, sun buddy?🙃"~ lmaoo I know, I know but we gotta do what we gotta do😭) and hope for the best.

Imma keep my fingers crossed for you🤞, so please update soonish when you can, or they'll end up getting stuck hehe.😮

You did what you could. For a lot of people that might not be enough (for some nothing is ever enough, aye?), but it's okieee, it may not feel as okiee right now but it is.❤

Plus hey, it's school (': for there's always another exam and another result school life throws at us to stress over. 🥹🥲

The "S" in school mostly stands for ✨Stress✨ I think.

But the S in Sun stands for silly xD so we gonna try poofing some of that stress with a whole lot of this silly! :P 

Ps- rooting for youuu!🤗❤

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

night time is the time where i can panic and stress about it and now is the time where i can panic and stress about it more. lol. *hugs you tighter* i swear if i get a grade lower than 9 (9 is the highest grade, 1 is the lowest) my mom will eat me alive. i'm not joking lol. 😭 i've already been put through enough trauma at home. 

I'm hoping you and soul's fingers will keep me alive tommorow xD i will update you and if i get a 9 i will bring chocolates and cake and a party for you and my friends. 

"I know but we gotta do what we gotta do😭) and hope for the best." Sunnnnn... this made me laugh (i know my humour is broken)  this is going to be my new mantra. i like this. my old mantra was "be nice. breathe air"

*sends more huggles* you da best sunshine ever! S for the most sweetest, sincere, supportive sunshine ever!

:) 

I c a n t sleep

@amiableBunny4016 *sits with Bunny bean if okie* Neither can i. :') sleep is pretty hard to catch isn’t it 💜 All the stress and anxieties seem to heighten at nighttime.  :( is it the panic and stress about the grades? Or something else on your mind too? 

(No pressure of course, me sending hugs if okay) *keeps fingers crossed with Sunnie and soul* 

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou @mytwistedsoul @LoveMyMoonflowers

i got a 7.

a damn 7.

and i'm just sitting here sobbing and crying... 

@amiableBunny4016 *offers hugs* Aww Bunny I'm sorry you didn't get a nine 😞 I know how badly you wanted that. I think a 7 is still pretty damn good. Especially considering you were out of school and sick for so long. I hope she'll be reasonable and remember that too 💙

@mytwistedsoul

its not good soul. its no good. i have exams next year that define where i go next in life and i can't even do well in one flipping stupid exam.. i worked so *** hard... this was the only thing that kept me going. 

(just in case your wondering)

@amiableBunny4016 I don't mean to argue but 7 is still an A. That to me is good! I don't mean to invalidate you or anything. Just keep in mind all the BS that you went through last year. Hopefully this year will be much calmer and you don't get sick and you can focus on your studies and school work easier

@amiableBunny4016

I've been that student and the kind of person who strives for the "best" too, with a whole lot of expectations from myself and from others, so I really get how sometimes it isn't just a "sheet of paper" or "just a random result that isn't even going to matter too much in a few years" but it matters in the here and in the now, it is important to you, you know how hard you worked on it despite the awful-most curveballs life threw at you, yet, it matters to you right now and so it is okiee to feel sad, Bunny. It's okay to cry too, if it helps in letting the emotions pass through you in some way, it is very much okay to cry too. *keeps hugging tight*💖

And while it currently makes you question if you did enough and what is to come in the future, I just hope you remember that you've made past a lotttt of times when things didn't happen the way you'd want / hope them to, and you've kept going, making the most out of any current situation that you are put in, if anyone can keep at it, keep going, fall 7 times and stand up 8 (even do a lil danceyyy) is *youuuuuu*.🥺

I really agree with @mytwistedsoul too though, 7 is greaatttttt, it isn't 9 like you wanted, but it's still vvv great and I am too, incredibly proud of you for always trying your best.🫂

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

i don't really have any words to say right now... but when i do i'll try to reply to this properly..

@amiableBunny4016

You take all the time you need, lovely. 🫂

 damn it. i'm going into year 11 in september... i'm meant to be doing well...

how do i keep myself alive.

idk if i will ever forgive myself for anything lol.

😭the animated version of The Boy, the Mole, The Fox and The Horse is so gooddddd. i always loved the book and the animated version was so comforting. awww..

i'm sorry. if i said/did anything wrong.

@amiableBunny4016 Aww hey Bunny 💙 what makes you feel you did or said anything wrong? I've just been alittle low on words and slow to reply 

@mytwistedsoul

broooo its not youuuu xD lol. i don't really mind if people don't reply to my threads. I just like to apologise just to keep myself... going. yk. just in case. idk. don't ever ever ever apologise or feel bad for not replying or being low on words 💙 i'll still care for you for you. we can't all be there all the time. :)

@amiableBunny4016 Tbh I didn't think it had anything to do with me lol. But then anxiety pops up and asks "but are you for certain sure?" 😬 

every time she hits/slaps my brothers head my heart drops. 

yesterday, she threatened to smash a glass vase on his head.

i wonder what the next threat is. 

the way she grabbed me by the neck today... and tried strangling me. for the first time, i actually looked at her face whilst she was doing it. so much hatred. so much hatred in her eyes. no love. no empathy. no nothing. there was nothing to look for in her eyes.

heyyyy....lol. 

its so lonely.. so silent. the only voices i seem to hear is the voices in my head. every time i close my eyes, my body won't met me sleep. all i see is darkness after darkness after darkness. abuse after abuse after abuse. the silents creeps beneath my skin every day. haunts me.