im scared that somethings gonna happend to me

i just sit here and cry randomly.... and then i fall asleep... or i over-work myself with admin and ***...

im taking a break from my L account... members disrespecting and harrassing me is tiring....

@amiableBunny4016

i’m sorry that’s been happening to you bunny beanie :( it really must be exhausting. taking a break would be good 💜 *sends love and strength your way if okay* 💜

@amiableBunny4016 I'm sorry they're doing that 😕 Sometimes people just suck. It's hard to find good listeners and when there are good ones they get treated horribly 😞 I'm glad you're taking a break from it 💙

I'm sorry. 

-@amiablebunny4016

when you slowly start to realise how messed up your life is:

whenwhe

i've made peace with this darkness. 

someone actually said they want me to loose my   mind in a chatroom . what the ***. why is all the bad things happening to me . even on my member account

@amiableBunny4016 It both amazes and disappoints me at the nonsense they let go in your chatrooms. The fact that they felt comfortable enough to say something like that to you directly says more about them than it does about you. Some people just aren't happy unless they're bullying or picking on someone else. Other people's pain makes them feel better about themselves and it's such a lousy way to live

@mytwistedsoul

no point. i already get enough abuse on my L, if i change my username whats going to get any better? i had never spoken to that person before so they were probably in a bad mood. and at this point, i can get used to it, just like i did back at home. oh well...honestly, i feel at peace now a days. even tho its stressful and exhausting, i'm at peace with myself. no more running around, no more playing hide and seek and hiding from people, no more screaming. im okay.... 

@amiableBunny4016 I know some people that have taken breaks and changed their name during the break. I suppose when they come back it's almost like a fresh start I guess? I'm not sure really.

Is anyone here? 🥺

@amiableBunny4016 What's on your mind 💙

@mytwistedsoul

i dont know. just keep thinking about mom and trying to distract myself... 💙

@amiableBunny4016 Are you trying to figure out something with her?  I mean I can understand why she would be invading your thoughts. So much of what's happened the past few months is because of her 😕

@mytwistedsoul

no, i dont want to figure out anything with her. i dont know... i have lingering thoughts about her or dreams about her. in my dreams she is crying and sobbing in a corner of a room and keeps asking for me. i dont know whats up with me recently.... i have these weird lingering feelings and stuff...

@amiableBunny4016 Maybe it's in your subconscious? Like you want her to want you the way that you've wanted her for so long. I mean -  They can be horrible abusive people but there's always some part of us that wants to be loved by them. To know that we matter to them. Idk 💙

@mytwistedsoul

yeah, probably that.  you literally understand me better than i do at this point lol. 💙 *sends hugs if okay*

@amiableBunny4016 *accepts hugs and sends more* 💙 Now if only I could do the same for myself lol 😅

@mytwistedsoul

i wish you would realise how special you are 💙 i know understanding ourselves is a bit of a puzzle. 

@amiableBunny4016 I never know what to say to that 💙 thank you

It is a puzzle that's for sure

i guess..... thats it. right? thats the end of everything. i was born. i got hurt. i ended up in hospital. i am no longer in existence.

I need to hug someone. 

But it's too weird to ask someone in this hospital. 

@amiableBunny4016 *hugs tighttt*🤗❤

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

*Hugs tight back* ❤️

@amiableBunny4016

nothing but emptiness. 

@amiableBunny4016 It's something that can be a blessing at times and a curse other times 😕

@mytwistedsoul

i hate it. i hate it so much. i just want it to go away. i hate this blankness. it makes me feel like im not alive.

@amiableBunny4016 After awhile it does me too 😞 I mean it's helpful at first when I feel too many overwhelming things and emotions are just too big but after awhile it just sucks

@mytwistedsoul

my brain cant make words. all i do these days is just come on here or i just sleep. 

and even when i come on here, i just get more depressed. so.... i got nothing to think about.

there aint no more beating, no more screaming, no more *** and people, im not used to it. there is no more problems to solve. no more nothing. it doesnt feel right.

@amiableBunny4016 You've been in survival mode for so long 😞 It's hard to relax when there's nothing to fear. You're right it doesn't feel right or normal to you. Because in reality it's not what you're used to as normal. It would help if there was something for you could be involved in. Real people that you could interact with

@mytwistedsoul

sorry.. i dont know whats wrong with me. i was tired and fell asleep for a while. woke up to the sounds  of a child crying. 

eh, yeah. it would be nice to have someone real to talk to, but in the meantime i have the the wonderful @mytwistedsoul and so many other lovely people on 7cups (ding ding... @LoveMyMoonflowers) to be there for me hehe 💙

Bunny :)

@amiableBunny4016

it's not wrong to sleep when your tired lovely friend 💜 you don’t have to be sorry for anything. i’m glad you got a bit of rest. (i hope that child is doing okie ☹️😔) 

your so sweet for tagging me here 😭💜 tbh i consider talking to you and Soul talking to real people lol but that’s just my opinion 🤪 

thank you both for being there for me too 💜 and for just… being there in my life. 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

@amiableBunny4016 @mytwistedsoul 

@LoveMyMoonflowers @amiableBunny4016 Lots and lots of love to you both! 💙💙

@amiableBunny4016 Aww no worries ok? Meds can make you tired and hey your body needs the rest. This way too you can work towards feeling better 💙

dear mom,

was beating me the only threat you had? was it? because mom, the way you hit me, the way you used to beat the *** out of me, it hurt. it hurt for a while. but eventually it doesnt hurt anymore mom. i became numb to that sort of pain, so using that threat was useless. one day... we are all gonna d1e mom... what are you gonna d1e for? for beating your kid? what do you live for mom? what do you live for? what was your life other than trauma and more trauma and then giving it to others? was it that hard to love me? what was lacking in my love all those years? but you know.. asking these questions are useless. because like you said "children shouldnt ask questions from their mother" because apperantly im not old enough to question my parents. you said, that you wanted the best for me and you promised that you would love me, but all you ever did was walk past me and hurt me more. this wasnt love mom. this wasnt love. why dont you understand? 

but i know i mean nothing to you, so I wont question you from now on, and I wont bother you, and I wont look for you, and I wont come back to you. and that little boy of yours, is dying in your hands. Let him live for gods sake. From now on, you will have no complaints from me, you wont hear my voice, and you wont see me again. so give in already.

sicenerely,

your daughter.