Tree's Diary

@loyalTree3713

Hi Tree,

I know the feeling you're describing. We want something, and in the endwe are not satisfied or even disappointed getting it. It's tough. We can just hope that it won't happen too often.

And journaling is awesome!

@loyalTree3713

In old times, some faught together against the loss of the feed...old times...

@NonetheWiser (not sure if I got the tag right)

I just read your post in the Protocol on DID thread, and I wanted to let you know that I really appreciate that you have been taking it up.

A long while ago, I stumbled on some threads from 2018, when you were there, and since, I've always admired you for everything you have done in the Trauma community. I sincerely mean it-I'm sorry I can't explain it well enough in words. Your responses in a lot of the Trauma community entries, only make me appreciate you further. I understand your frustration, and partial fear at possible action-I've felt the same while writing some threads that sought clarification on some admin posts, from my L. But I read through your post-and I sincerely did not find anything disrespectful at all. I admire the restraint with which you handled it. I was heart-broken on seeing the initial protocol, and I wanted to thank you for writing your post then.

I guess I am trying to say that I relate to feeling unsure of how I used my voice, on certain topics-and if you were feeling something similar, I just wanted to let you know that I think you are an important voice and a wonderful being, and in all your work I have seen-you have been. I admire all that I have seen you do.

*hugs if you would like them*

(P.S: Please do not feel obligated to reply<3)

Weird sequence of events. While creating the thread, I thought I wouldn't feel anything worth writing about-and then something distressing happened, that I needed to write about. Aaaand guess what? I didn't/don't have the *time* to write about it

I mean, I have the time, but I don't want to spend the little time that I have writing and detailing it, because there's something else that's really important to me that is coming up and I want to spend my time there...

In an attempt to balance both these feelings-I'm going to leave it at this statement:

I want it recorded that I had the chance to let go of myself, and the thought of letting go gave me peace. But I chose to hold on. I don't know why I took the decision, or if it will even be worth it.

I am going to focus on this one upcoming event, though my chances of failing at it are astronomically high.

I don't expect to succeed but I hope to show myself that I believe in me-and the effort I put in, will hopefully be a sign of that faith.

I will most likely not be writing in again, until the 18th. I hope those reading have a safe period-and a wonderful time!

I felt the need to peek in and just write this.

There is quiet

I'm wondering if the quiet is a result of peace, or if it holds words within...

I wish I knew

*takes a deep breath*

Tomorrow's the day....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Letter to myself):

I hope you don't need to hear this, but in any case-You'll be okay even if you don't make it<3 I'm here with you.

The following post may contain references to nausea/throwing up. If either of these make you feel uncomfortable, please do not read further. <3

Sometime around the beginning of this year, I began noticing that going without food for ~6 hours, coupled with sleep deprivation used to make me feel terribly. It wasn't something I had previously experienced, and I thought it would be a one-time thing. Since then, it has recurred multiple times, and I'm trying to lay out causes, symptoms, and possible methods that worked/seemed to work for me:

(This is a pretty long post-It's more of a physical condition, but I'm trying to lay out individual factors that seem to contribute/allay some of the feelings I was feeling.)

Cause:

1. Shallow (non-deep?) sleep-usually due to a mental reminder that I have to wake up early the next day.

2. Lighting-The green night bulb

3. Waking up-and brain accelerating, to normal processing.

4. Super-early breakfast.

5. Staying in Air-Conditioned spaces, wherein any noise/natural visuals are limited.

6. Focusing on a considerably bright screen for ~3 hours. (Headache begins to set in)

7. * (I am choosing to not write this point here)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Headache settles in it's place after an hour or so. I feel mentally and physically exhausted. Incidentally, the worst begins to settle in after I have slept/rested, and in hindsight, that confuses me a lot.

With a slightly heavy head and dreary eyes, I rest, however on waking up the following symptoms manifest:

Symptoms:

1. Feels like someone left a 1 Litre water packet that largely rests on the left side of my head and eye.

2. (A few minutes later) Immense nausea, and dislike for the food I last ate (unless it was bland)

3. A thought, song or statement gets stuck in my head, and constantly replays.

4. Uncontrollable burps, that only seem to do worse.

5. A strong sensation of throwing up (lighting and inconsistent, loud sounds seems to worsen it)

Coping:

1. Deep breathing/Pranayam

2.Soup (with a lot of salt-that seems to be a flavour that I can't register or dislike in the future)

3. Ventilation and White Noise-preferably from a window and a fan, in a dark place, with a little exposure to light from the hallway.

4. Sometimes, singing by myself.

5. Fragmented sleep (needs to be tested)

6. Massaging my back/covering myself with a damp cloth.Touching the ground.

(Estimated recovery time for the symptoms to subside: 2-3 hours)

//Note to self: Easing mental constriction during this phase needs to be considered.

*sighs* I did need the post.

It's been crazy. I remember when I first created the thread, I thought I wouldn't be needing it much, only maybe occasionally.

Since then, the first time I had disappointed myself-I found myself crying, but I couldn't help but laugh at the thought that I had ended up creating this space right before I came to be aware of the disappointing result-unintentional foresight lol. I remember it was quite confusing for my face-I was standing in front of the mirror, and my jaw would clench so it wouldn't be audible that I was crying out of pain-and then, I'd remember that this happened right after I created a space that I thought I wouldn't need to use to journal- and it was hilarious to me at that moment.

At that time, I had promised to hold myself together until the 18th, and as I found out later-I'd disappointed on the 18th too, and on the 21st and... so, I've to hold myself together for longer.

I think the question that was hurting me was-"How long should I hold onto myself for?"

I suppose it has a response today.

I saw a thread titled "I can't cry and it's *** killing me"- it's stuck with me, the title.

Everytime I'm entering a breakdown and I begin crying, some part of me decides it's time to distance myself from the cause of distress and.. It feels like I'm suddenly teleported to behind a glass, and I'm not feeling anything anymore. My feelings just appear so distanced. But there's still a part of me that's feeling so intensely that it just wishes it could disintegrate into nothing-but it's present at great depth, and at the shallow level-I'm just a quiet human who has lost feeling, because of how painful feeling is. I wish I could break down, without being taken behind a glass-and get it done with.

But I'm also trying to not break the glass and hold my pieces together because I need to, until the end of this month. It's....the desire to break that glass is so strong, so I could finally feel, but also breaking that glass before the end of this month could mean badly for me.

I wish I could tear myself apart, in a manner that would make me recalibrate my feelings.

[This post will likely not make much sense to anyone else reading :') I'm sorry about that<3]

//

Not now-Don't.

Place demaracations, don't let it get stuck in your head. Stop recycling it over and over. Push the chain a little further so the hook can let go of it.

Wait this moment out, but waiting doesn't seem to help-decay, disorganization, on the road to being forgotten. Shall it ever be?

Personal responsibility-E comes first... Let go of C and hold onto E. But C shall be forgotten. I can't handle E anyhow, why not let go of E? Decide?

Note: treat yourself like someone you are responsible for?

E. E, and let go of C.

*zoom out*

//

The place is devoid of warmth. Fires extinguished. Leave me in a desert-I crave the heat, leave me deserted. I'd rather run on the sand knowing I will never reach the end, than on the roads where whether I reach the end depends on me-expectations of my actions, knowing I have the ability to change outcomes. Seeking refuge from the expectations-I rest away from the end, I rest where I am. Digging the ground beneath, so I can hide myself.

Instead-run? *bubble pops in the background* Maybe.

@mytwistedsoul

Was there a post of yours from yesterday in your diary-to which I replied about hyperlinks and stuff? Was that removed? (I'm not sure if I'm remembering it right, I am a little low on sleep, so I could be wrong. I'm sorry if I got the location/incident wrong.)