Tree's Diary

//This is intentionally generic in the description of a situation

I first wrote this post on Wednesday, when some news came, but I closed it because I didn't want to write it and thereby, acknowledge a possibility of something happening, and yet-inside, I'm treating the possibility as though it isn't improbable...when I don't see why it isn't improbable.

And this isn't the first time I've felt like not explicitly acknowledging a possibility because acknowledging it often put me in a different headspace, where I would feel certain that the possibility could no longer be possible. Assuming that we do indeed not have a multiverse (which I think is the general opinion, though there are proponents :')), I don't know why I would consider that-that my admitting that an event was possible could change the probability or course of the event itself. Specifically in the event I have in mind, it'd take the largest of ripple effects for my verbal admission of possibilty, to even alter the chances of the event happening. And yet, there's this almost superstition-like feeling that if I say it, it'll no longer be possible.

Trying to scrutinize this through another lens, I have 2 theories.

1. Resistance to a change in status quo:

When I initially heard the news, I was in a superposition of hopeful and denial (not acknowledging it)-that was my immediate reaction. Strange, I know. My theory is that I would prefer to be hopeful, and I'm afraid that not being in denial, a change from the original mental environment, will bring about the collapse of the "hopeful" factor too (intricately tied emotions), and as being hopeful about this event is something that's intrinsically valuable to me, there is a resistance to change in mental environment, entirely...until the event passes.

2. Specific intensity of hopefulness

Not explicitly acknowledging the event allows me to supress any intense forms of hope. And that supression is something like a protection, in case it turns out to be false hope?

If that's the reason for what's happening though, I can see a possible flaw in it...

//End of vagueness :D

Sifting through stuff, often speechless... I've grown quiet, all my words seem to... the thoughts they evoke seem to run into some place which makes the words seem like they shouldn't be there. As though a large reason for the words' existence in speech or text, is so I gain something, long-term. It makes me not want to speak.

@NoneTheWiser

I hope you're doing okay

I got a notification to your thread "Maybe this time...", but as I opened it-I got an "Item Removed" page. I was wondering if you had asked for the thread to be deleted, or if it was accidentally removed? (or maybe this is a bug on my end)

//No replies needed-I'll probably disagree with what I've written here, in a few hours.

I've been feeling a bit stressed out lately-not in the usual sense of being overloaded with work but rather like...

tomorrow (a generic day) has already been spliced up into parts of varying durations-to devote my attention toward different activities that are needed of me over it's course.

As though-however hard I try, there's just enough time for me to get done with what I need to, and there's no time left for me to begin on what I want to.

It feels like my day's been decided before it's begun, and the only way I can break that pre-determined schedule is by breaking specific commitments I don't want to renege on. Commitments that others seem to be able to manage well, and commitments I took up on myself. The cost feels high, and there's no way I could explain breaking off at this moment in time. Maybe in a few months, but not now.

~

Like tiny ants boring into the wall and making a pretty long hole in it, filling it up. Except that I can't convey to one of the ants why it makes sense for me to ask them to not live in that wall. I would have a hard time making that sound plausible. Idividually-they're occupying such a tiny amount of space-I almost wouldn't notice them.

It's almost impossible for me to convey that to the ant without them feeling like my ask is because I have strong antagonistic feelings towards them.

Broken acts.

This is only a hypothesis, and I don't think this idea is original. I'm fairly certain it has a different name, and a more thorough explanation somewhere on the internet, I merely haven't been bothered to look it up. I also apologize in advance, if my description makes it seem obfuscate or verbose or plain-nonsensical.

~~but first, slightly unrelated stuff~~

Yesterday, I finally got started on a task [X]-something I've been meaning to do for a long while. Listing out factors that possibly contributed to the start:

• Reference to the subject of [X]. in a recent, informal conversation, causing a need to be able to comprehend and respond accurately to what was being told to me, in said convo.
• An atmosphere wherein I knew I could not multi-task/focus on activities that were relaxing and hence, had to choose an act [X] that would have me be a bit more absorbent to what was being said/read.
• Straightjacket-an inability to walk out of that moment in time. Not bound by physical repercussions, but rather moral and emotional ones to failing a commitment, ensured that I could not get out of a situation (and as a side-effect) contributed to me doing [X].

< Afterthoughts on what has been written above: 1-Action was was not due to interest in [X], it was an interest in not being embarassed if something related to [X] came up in the conversation (which was a low-stakes environment, short-term) 2-Reminds me of ambient noise. (Sometime around last month, the house was very quiet, and I wasn't able to study at all. Something that helped was a form of incomprehensible distraction (like radio static, or indistinct conversation) to be able to focus on the coursework. It was interesting because I needed a messy, but low intensity distraction to distract myself from, in order to get going with the act I wanted to. Similarly, here, I needed a 2nd task*-which wasn't too intense, functioning as a distraction, which resulted in me focusing on the original action.) 3-the environment and mental commitment to be available at that moment in time- involved another person. Some form of external accountability, not necessarily related to [X]. >

*abrupt pivot to content title is supposed to refer to*

Broken acts-as the term will be used through this post, is used to refer to an action (usually providing slight relaxation, or providing a break from the scheduled acts in my life), which requires a renewal after a specific time period (relatively short). Owing to the perceived low returns from continuing the act for a long period of time, the principle for the act, runs on the assumption that I will be able to recognize a point in time, where I can discontinue the "broken act", when the "relaxation/break vs 'do act [y], where [y] is considered productive" scale tilts towards the latter. It's essentially providing a lot more opportuntities (frequent decision flags) to break away from it, while barely passing the threshold in being a source of comfort/relaxation.

[I should have written this earlier, I refer to the acts as "broken" because of their discontinuous nature. An analogy would be switching off YouTube's autoplay button so one can make an active decision on whether they wish to watch content, except that in this case-the content will grow less interesting over time (the absolute interest value of the content will remain the same, rather the interest levels in my brain will begin to saturate, and the relatively small increase in interest in my mind upon continuing watching the content, will almost make it feel disinteresting.)]

Mechanical tasks are a good, though imperfect example-To walk a relatively long distance (assuming the person is averse to walking), in order to buy something that would be liked->weighing cost v. return->decision (eh, although indecisive sometimes ).

Possible generalization-in order to define it. It may be inaccurate:

An act that requires considerable effort, and provides for some (constant) form of excitement in return-with opt-out passes lined along the way. If the relative levels in excitement between the previous and present opt-out pass appear insufficient, actor opts out and (if other factors can be controlled) moves towards beginning productive task,

Context:

I noticed that my current forms of relaxation (which did not require an active renewal to continue, over time) allowed me to spend a little too much time away from the productive tasks I had planned to do.

//Unrelated

*being a bit more humane*

Acknowledging failures:

I have a hard time understanding why it is/I am...(I can't find the right word for this, but um, here are the wrong words, words that wouldn't accurately capture the feeling- "difficult", "frustrating", "confusing" (a little)")

...

I think detached would be the right word.

(continues) I have a hard time understanding why I am detached from the things I want to do most. Maybe this is a warped perspective, but the people I've seen, spend a lot of time putting in effort toward (or atleast thinking about) their aim, while I haven't. I've been able to focus on short-term stuff, non-important stuff (even if it required more effort), and a part of me is sometimes angry with myself for not taking all the stuff that it had aimed towards, seriously (measuring "seriously" by effort put in).

I don't mean "anger" in the "self-hatred" form, I don't think I hate myself, I think it's more of a ("If you really did care about [A], why didn't you work towards it?", once I had failed), and that's also something my parents asked me-I don't have an answer... To save face, I used to state that I did work towards [A], the result just didn't pan out- but I know that in those moments where I should have been working towards it, I ran from it. I took almost every means available to me, to avoid doing something that I considered important, and wanted to do. I still do that, and it doesn't affect me much. I have kinda grown immune to failing at what I wanted to succeed in-

[random computer language gibberish follows, not exactly what I was looking to use-but it's functional, I suppose]

that's the default (statement) at the end of the switch()-I take comfort in knowing it exists, and that it exists, feels like the job is done. I don't try to meet the criteria in the cases above it, because I know that by virtue of the default statement existing (and being written well), the program will function okay even if the criteria above it aren't met..

[the computer analogy breaks down here, but I'm going to state some factually inaccurate stuff (in the analogy) to convey what I mean]

I don't want to make the cases tangible-I'll check the default statement and leave at it. I'm scared of the existence of those goals which mean a lot to me, I don't want something with a possibilty of failure (in a non-literal sense) to mean that much to me.

[To be clear, I am doing okay at all the stuff that is in my life right now, this post was a reflection, on past events]

@NonetheWiser - I realize you may not get this tag. I had noticed earlier today, that your account was put on a self-care break.

I hope you take all the time you need, to care for yourself

[P.S: A happy new year to everyone who comes across/reads this thread! I appreciate you being here.]

//No replies needed

[I'm not exactly sure as to why I am posting this here. I was thinking of a phrase. "measurement as a form (being the result?) of interaction" earlier this week, and I finally decided to look up something related.]

https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/phenomena/2013/05/20/when-memories-are-remembered-they-can-be-rewritten/

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2014/02/04/271527934/our-brains-rewrite-our-memories-putting-present-in-the-past

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/am-i-right/201307/your-memory-isnt-what-you-think-it-is

From the 3^rd article,

"One implication of Schiller’s work is that memory isn’t like a file in our brain but more like a story that is edited every time we tell it. To each re-telling, there are attached emotional details. So when the story is altered, feelings are also reshaped. "

<A letter to a real person>

Dear [A],

Thank you for the text, I can't explain how much it meant. The event's been something I've tried shrugging off for a year now, and though I guess I finally have, it felt nice to hear from you.

I find it a little strange that the images we had individually painted of ourselves from that year, were similar. You had described yourself in your narrative, in the manner that I had described yourself, in mine-an implication being that the 2 couldn't be reconciled. I know how it feels to paint yourself in that manner, shrink that incident so all that's left is the worst of you. [I did that too.]

If it helps any, our paintings can't both be true-seeing your's made me realize that maybe I had gotten mine a little off, and I hope you'll consider that possibility of your art too. I also hope you'll take a bit of comfort in knowing that I don't think of you in the manner that you had painted yourself to be. I really was naive, and in the present, there's things I don't tell you, because I don't know what effect they would bring about.

I don't know what expectations you have of "us" and I would ask, except that...I know that you being you, wouldn't indicate that you had no expectations, as my asking the question-would make you feel like I expected you to have expectations. Even if you did actually have no expectations-I don't think you would say so, because you would perceive it to be rude, in some vague sense, towards me. Maybe I'm overthinking this, I really don't know what I ought to be doing and I wish that by some weird occurrence, you indicate what (if any) expectations you have, and feel comfortable telling me if you don't have any-and this is the end of our journey.

I know it's a little cowardly of me to expect you to tell me that, without my asking...but I guess I am afraid of asking.

In any case, thank you. I really do appreciate your kindness, and the impact you've had on me :)

Regards and best wishes,
{}

-No replies please<3-

Hey, @NoneTheWiser <3

It's been a while, and I felt like checking up on you. How are you doing?

Hi im Patric i totally understand where ur coming from. N yes everyone needs a positive outlet. Weather a diary or a friend or something inbetween. I carry what i call a diary. But its more my writings weather my poemes thoughts feeling music ect n i find it helps me as i live in a lonely world. N look up to the idea maybe one day someone will stop n read it. Look me up some time if u like to chat. As i look forward to hearing from u