Tree's Diary

Yaargh-so close...

I feel like how a light ray from the sun would, wherein after travelling 149,599,998 kilometers, it gets blocked from reaching the ground, by this shady, stupid opaque object 2 metres above ground level...

Writing that also made me feel sad for the photon.

I suppose I'm a little thankful that dehydration doesn't allow for as many tears to be visible on the outside...

(I understand everything I'm saying here sounds like I'm over-reacting in some ways. I'm aware of that :) But I do genuinely feel this way, so I would appreciate if anyone reading did not tell me "It's only an exam")

A month ago, I had exams whose scores would form the basis for whether I entered a specific university or not. Objectively speaking, I did better than I did in the past, I surprised myself a little-but I didn't pass the ones I wanted to.

There were 2 specific ones I didn't pass-and the first time I didn't, I was...heart-broken. In a way, it seemed like I'd never get to go down the path I wanted to. I had a second exam, needless to say-I messed that up.

And the part that has been bugging me is that, I want to take responsibility for it, but I don't know how to. I badly know that it was my fault, maybe not entirely-but, for a major part. I haven't been able to acknowledge that, irrespective of the number of times I've tried telling myself it was something in my control-that I didn't work towards.

I'm not saying I didn't work towards it, because I failed-I'm saying I didn't work towards it, because I legitimately didn't. I got caught up in a bunch of far-less-important activities, that seemed to matter in that moment. I hate that I didn't put myself first, and instead chose to do things, at the cost of giving up that opportunity.

I hate that I did that. I understand why I did it, but I hate it. This isn't me trying to blame myself and give up, it's me trying to acknowledge that I had a chance at something, and I blew it.

And...I don't know why I'm so determined to convince myself that I had a chance at it. Maybe because I don't want to believe that I am so much of an idiot that there is no way I would have made it.

Over the past week, every time I've messed up. Every time I've used a redundant word, every time I didn't see my way through a problem-which had a solution staring me in the face, every time I just pause when I'm speaking with someone because I don't know how to convey what I wanted to-I've felt like I'm dumb

Internally, there's a part of me that fears that I've just become stupid in these past 6 months, and I've begun spending hours binging sitcoms just so I don't feel like I'm an idiot there. Atleast, I have a laughter track to know when I should be laughing...

P.S: I feel slightly better after writing that out, and reading it

I don't know what to make of this....

A few months ago, I realized that I was uncomfortable making new friends, because it felt like a load of commitments to keep up with. I was speaking only with 3 people at that time, but having to speak every time we came online felt like a burden. I started to actively avoid live chatting in any form. I used to switch of the Wi-Fi, text the person and switch it back on and all the messages would be delivered in a single go. I could plausibly claim that I wasn't online at the time of the receival of replies.

I was afraid of being online at the same time as the other person, because that would mean a conversation and for some reason, I didn't want to converse. Having to converse simply because the other person came only felt strangely like someone was pushing me back into a seat, and I had to stay there and light-chat about a bunch of topics, and it wasn't something I wanted to do.

I feel like the origin of that strong feeling, was when I would plan something and I had to delay the plan because I had to chat at a moment I didn't want to. I'd have a schedule where I wanted to get action [X] done, and I would plan on replying to any texts I had right before doing [X], and someone would come online, and they'd just start a conversation, and I'd feel terrible that I could not get to [X] on time.

I realize this sounds like me making a big deal out of something, and human interaction is a part of life-but I think at some point, I decided to take on so many things that...human interaction in the form of a text didn't feel appealing. I could call the person and speak with them, and I wouldn't feel repulsed about that, but specifically when I'd see the three dots indicating someone was typing, I'd grow frustrated.

I wondered if that was a result of a short attention span, but in scenarios other than that of texting someone, I don't feel frustrated waiting for something, or doing chores because of which I would miss out on doing something that I wanted to.

And for reasons I do not understand, I also don't feel comfortable befriending someone without a purpose. By purpose, I don't mean "I'm going to befriend them so I can learn a new language from them"-not in that sense. What I mean is, prior to 10th grade, I used to feel comfortable befriending everyone, I'd call almost everyone a friend (even if I hadn't interacted much with them)-I would feel happy to see them, and now...they don't seem to be considered friends as easily, by myself. It's almost like I don't want to interact much with people simply because I know them, I don't know why. That has me feeling meh about potential "friendships" and I'm kinda running away from them...

I shouldn't have mentioned that to him...

I took a conscious decision not to, and I still ended up telling him about it. Why did I? I wish I could have kept my mouth shut, it wasn't something I was supposed to tell him. I made it worse, didn't I?

On the bright side, maybe the impact of telling that, means one commitment less (though I do feel like a bit of an *** (donkey) writing this statement out)

(For context, this has nothing to do with a romantic relationship-though I can see how one could interpret it in that manner)

This is long-I'm sorry for that

I do this weird thing where twice a week, since the admission list for a specific university was released-I go to the webpage where the results are displayed, look at the application numbers of everyone who got in, feel a plunging sensation when I see mine missing, instinctively close the tab and take a look at how every aspect of my life seems to be nowhere close to where I'd wanted it to. And then, I also realize I'm doing nothing to get it over to that spot and I hope that my cognizance of that fact (of inaction), is some indication that I'm in the beginning stages of a process that will eventually reach the end result I imagine.

Hahaha-I felt a little idiotic writing that but again, I did a few stupid things this week.

I disagreed with a very good-natured person simply because I was tired of hearing a specific point (that had nothing to do with me) I did not have a view on. That isn't "the worst", right? Well, my counter-argument was also full of contradictions, so I guess-there's that. I hate that I'm the person who opposes every view presented to me. Sure, inside my head I have this reasoning of "Only if a view can stand oppositional scrutiny, should you believe it", but opposing stuff everywhere, with everyone? Seriously-who am I?

///

Unrelated content follows-and I would appreciate it if anyone reading did not reply to the following content

Sometimes, I wonder if the only reason why I take up a responsibility is so I can feel good about it later on. If the only reason why I do things-is self-preservation, mentally. You know, if I go down the rabbit hole of "I'm plain terrible", this will be some sort of speed-breaker there.

A friend cut ties with me, and I'm surprised I didn't try to "make it work" again. The absence of guilt is something I've never had before, and I feel like I've lost all feeling. I'm not sure if in refusing what he asked me to do, I was being ethical, or if what he was asking me to do was ethical, but I've always felt like you mend misunderstandings, explain your position, apologize-and you keep doing that till...well, the friendship is "saved".

I feel weird that I did not do that this time, that I gave up. Maybe it was pent up feelings of repulsion? Or maybe I didn't care about our relationship, but then, I'm reminded that I did and I stare at a blank wall

I got a text from the person [A] who'd called me a bunch of things-the person who I had written about on 23rd of this month and...he was asking for a favour. Not exactly, I had translated a huge piece as a favour for someone else [B] (who as I later understood, was acting as a proxy for [A])-and [A] sent me a picture of the translation and said, "I don't understand it"..that's it.

I felt strong feelings of repulsion-primarily because he texted me out of nowhere and he acted like nothing had happened and I owed him an explanation of what I had translated. I've been wondering if this is an over-reaction or me being hot-headed, and I would hate for me to take a decision/text when I'm being hot-headed. A part of me wants to ghost him-the text didn't really indicate a request or an apology (though I don't think he feels like he has to apologize for what he called me) or anything that would seem kind. I don't want to go down the route where "we get things together" because I don't ever want to place him somewhere where he can say stuff like what he did, and have as much of an impact on me.

Another part of me is worried that if I go without responding to this text-it'll be unkind, and maybe this is his (very non-explicit) way of indicating a hand of friendship, and while I don't want to be friends-I don't want to be the terrible person who snaps away at it. I suppose the major issue is that the reason I felt okay with our relationship not existing-was because he took that decision, and I didn't have to. I'm now in a place where I have to, and I'm afraid of taking a decision that would be hurtful, and also trying to steer away from "a friendship"-where I have to act like all is forgiven.

I also really really wish that none of the people I was acquainted with guilted him into texting me-I would hate if he was doing this simply because others asked him to.

I haven't felt as strongly and maybe in a few hours, I'll regret the thought of wanting to ghost him but I don't really know.

Note to self: Please don't reply till ~14 hours from now. Please.

//These are random thoughts. All the "you"s in the post-are mostly just drawn off my experience, and not a generalization. It just felt weird writing the post with "I".

I've been off the thread for a while, and actually, I wrote 3 posts and closed the tab at the end because...they weren't simple. Re-reading them, it felt like I had gone to great pains to make sure the words sounded alright (I googled synonyms lol), that what I was saying made sense, that the post would evoke a specific picture. I felt like the content of my post had been contorted to a point, where I didn't feel like it was coming from me. So, this is..I don't know-I didn't bother checking all of those things here, and my thoughts are likely way off-base.

//When there's something you despise doing [A]-something you have no interest in-there's usually a complementary act, something that appears to provide you relief from it [B]. You don't necessarily look forward to [B], but when you're doing it-the dreariness that usually plagued you is absent.

Strangely, when you don't dislike most things you're doing in life-but are just exhausted from doing them, there's nothing that seems to provide an analogous sense of relief (as [B] did).

//

I was also speaking with someone about a lot of things, and realized that I seriously don't have will-power. That I'm afraid of things getting harder for me because I won't and don't want to work harder through them. Not sure why I am typing that out-because not wanting things to get harder feels like a perfectly popular feeling, and there's really no point for me to give it thought. But I was under the impression that people didn't want things to get harder because they didn't want to experience harder living conditions in some sense, while with me, it's more like I know I wouldn't work through them-I'd probably just lie down and yeah...not sure where I was going with this

I get stuck-words, thoughts, checking off a list of what the statement is supposed to sound like.

"I'm glad to hear that" feels weird when I say it, when I type it, because I don't think I am. I am happy it happened for you, but I'm not focusing on you, so really, the feelings that ought to be evoked in me when I hear of what happened to you simply don't come up. I'm not present in the conversation.

I'm thinking of you-my past with you, what you may be feeling, what the tone of my text should indicate-and it's frustrating, because this long checklist leaves me without a word. It took me an hour and a half to write and reread a 2 side reply. Why am I being so careful about it...? Why am I not focusing on you, but worried about how the conversation should go? Why am I asking for you to speak while I well know I will react only in a specific manner to what you say-a manner independent of the content of your text...almost.

Well, I know the answer to the last-it's probably because I want you to feel valued in the conversation, as though you have space to speak where I will demonstrate to you that I've listened, when I've not. I'm nitpicking those parts of what you say, that shall be essential in my demonstration of my listening. It feels so fake and yet, I can't let go of it.

Why am I more worried about continuing the conversation than being present in it-even if I can't react properly?

(Lol, the 2 line breaks were for dramatism)

For about a couple of months now, I thought that the reason why I wasn't able to study as well over the past months, as I ought to have was because I had taken up commitments, which took away time from when I should have been studying. But recently, over the past 3 weeks, I've had the time of study, and yet have taken a passive decision to not do so. Thoughts...

Instance 1:

This was something that occurred to me when I initially took up the commitment, I was trying to convince myself that I had taken the right choice, and in that process, I told myself, "As I definitively have to work towards achieving the task (of keeping the commitment), maybe I shall keep track of the time I spend besides it, and hence, be a little more accountable of myself, in terms of the time I study for."

Note: I didn't realize the commitment would be very time-consuming, and I discovered it only at a point when I couldn't back out of it.

My reasoning (which sounded far-fetched then) was that, as I have to commit to the task, but also have to study, I will be more aware of the time I'm spending not studying. I'll be worried that a portion of my usual time is already being devoted to [x] (the task I had committed to, but didn't realize how much time it would require). The anxiety that I was already not spending enough time studying would cause me to study better (to make up for "lost time"?), than I was in the absence of that commitment. I realize it makes more sense now.

Instance 2:

A week ago, my earphones stopped working. I was asked to not try fixing it. Somewhere inside my head, panic alarms set off when it broke, because...(a)that meant I'd be without a microphone for online classes, but more so because, (b) that'd mean my parents would have to spend money on getting a new pair of earphones, and I felt very repulsed by that thought. It seemed to reflect poorly on the user of the earphones (me) and somewhere in my head, I felt like if I asked them for a new pair, I was indicating that I wasn't being careful about what I had. The repulsion combined with my rebellion towards the statement where I was asked to not attempt fixing it, and...without the knowledge of my parents, I managed to fix it in a couple of hours.

Instance 3:

Whenever the router drops, I feel very strongly as though I need to fix it, it's almost...a challenge? Because it happens er-quite frequently and it confunds me. Usually, I'm able to figure out something that works in the movement, but I should have gotten exasperated of fixing it by now, and I haven't.

I've been thinking about how in Instances 2 ad 3, I was able to actively work on doing something, I wouldn't give up on it-it ticked me off when I was stuck, and didn't know how to proceed. But I didn't walk away from it, I didn't feel like walking away from it but oh-how that contrasts with my attitude towards studying. I've been trying to draw comparisons, and the difference in attitude has little to do with whether or not I like all of the acts I've mentioned in 1, 2 and 3.

//If I've learnt something, it's this-I ought not to be trusted with time, because every time I am, I don't put it to the use I envisioned.

Earlier today, I completed a task that usually takes me 4 hours, in 1.5 hours, and I was elated. It's a task I've to do daily, and that I managed to save as much time gave me hope that I'd have 2.5 hours of free time for the future , everyday, in which I could patiently work towards what I wanted to, if I could keep this up.

But it's evening now, and I haven't really used those 2.5 hours in a manner I would like to...I've spent it like the rest of my day. So, I'm stuck with this question-Why is it that when I have little time to complete specific jobs, I am able to do so effectively, whilst if these jobs have to be completed over a larger time-frame, I perform abysmally-I spend most hours passively deciding to not do it? It seems like I need some sort of stress-inducing factor to work well...and that's something I need to check out.