Tree's Diary

@loyalTree3713

Hi Tree,

I know the feeling you're describing. We want something, and in the endwe are not satisfied or even disappointed getting it. It's tough. We can just hope that it won't happen too often.

And journaling is awesome!

@Ylbirda I know right! It's just neutrality at the end after it finally happens. So anti-climatic. Thank you for responding, and yess-journalling is absolutely awesome!

@loyalTree3713

In old times, some faught together against the loss of the feed...old times...

@CoalRedGlowingButterflee

I wasn't there much, but I've read some forum posts since-and I understood they did. I haven't used it and don't know it's exact functioning (because I wasn't there) but I understand it was a pretty wholesome idea...

@NonetheWiser (not sure if I got the tag right)

I just read your post in the Protocol on DID thread, and I wanted to let you know that I really appreciate that you have been taking it up.

A long while ago, I stumbled on some threads from 2018, when you were there, and since, I've always admired you for everything you have done in the Trauma community. I sincerely mean it-I'm sorry I can't explain it well enough in words. Your responses in a lot of the Trauma community entries, only make me appreciate you further. I understand your frustration, and partial fear at possible action-I've felt the same while writing some threads that sought clarification on some admin posts, from my L. But I read through your post-and I sincerely did not find anything disrespectful at all. I admire the restraint with which you handled it. I was heart-broken on seeing the initial protocol, and I wanted to thank you for writing your post then.

I guess I am trying to say that I relate to feeling unsure of how I used my voice, on certain topics-and if you were feeling something similar, I just wanted to let you know that I think you are an important voice and a wonderful being, and in all your work I have seen-you have been. I admire all that I have seen you do.

*hugs if you would like them*

(P.S: Please do not feel obligated to reply<3)

Hello @NonetheWiser !

Ah-I think I understand a little bit. There's a lot of times when someone says something meaningful to me, and my brain just draws a blank, though there's emotions that I'm feeling on listening/reading the statement haha.

I thought writing the post down here, on this space might be a little better, as it is in some ways, distant from the Protocol thread, and it might not have the association (past feelings, thoughts that you felt in that thread) that thread may have (for good or for worse)

I'm sorry that you face a significant amount of uncertainty in voicing your views-and I can guess the reminder of those older fears is considerably constricting Thank you for your kind words of encouragement, I believe you have expressed your views eloquently, and respectfully!

Feeling pride in myself...is not something that comes easy to me, but I will try-I wish that you could feel proud for your actions on here too!

(Thank you for responding to my post!!!)

Weird sequence of events. While creating the thread, I thought I wouldn't feel anything worth writing about-and then something distressing happened, that I needed to write about. Aaaand guess what? I didn't/don't have the *time* to write about it

I mean, I have the time, but I don't want to spend the little time that I have writing and detailing it, because there's something else that's really important to me that is coming up and I want to spend my time there...

In an attempt to balance both these feelings-I'm going to leave it at this statement:

I want it recorded that I had the chance to let go of myself, and the thought of letting go gave me peace. But I chose to hold on. I don't know why I took the decision, or if it will even be worth it.

I am going to focus on this one upcoming event, though my chances of failing at it are astronomically high.

I don't expect to succeed but I hope to show myself that I believe in me-and the effort I put in, will hopefully be a sign of that faith.

I will most likely not be writing in again, until the 18th. I hope those reading have a safe period-and a wonderful time!

I felt the need to peek in and just write this.

There is quiet

I'm wondering if the quiet is a result of peace, or if it holds words within...

I wish I knew

*takes a deep breath*

Tomorrow's the day....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Letter to myself):

I hope you don't need to hear this, but in any case-You'll be okay even if you don't make it<3 I'm here with you.

Hello @NoneTheWiser !

No, I do not mind you asking :) I deeply appreciate that you are checking up on me!

How did it go?

Well, that's a tough question and the short answer is that I do not know haha. The results haven't come yet.

(P.S: I thought I owed a bit of context-I was referring to an exam that I had to write, and I do realize that it sounds a little awkward to place so much importance on an exam, but that's me I guess).

In a lot of ways-the fact that I haven't received the results is both calming and anxiety-invoking, at different instances in time lol.

How are you doing?

Unfortunately, I do not have a specific answer for this either :( There's times when I'm happy, and times when I'm not feeling anything. Overall-I think I am doing good, primarily because I'm not feeling bad...atleast not much.

How are you doing, Wize?

@NoneTheWiser

That's okay<3 Haha-I might have to learn copying before posting, it's never occured to me to do that.

Yeah-exams do leave me wondering about the future, a lot of times. There's possible scenarios running all around, exploring a lot of things-it's a bit of a frenzy initially lol. And yeah, exactly-It's a bit of a relief knowing that the result isn't set in stone *yet*.

Thank you for your support❤ That means a lot! I did feel comfortable sharing it-but thank you for affirming that my boundaries come first! I'd like to state that if I ever do ask something that you aren't comfortable sharing, please feel free to not answer it and let me know!

Yes-I find it a little weird that we seem to average out all our feelings/pick the most intense one, to answer how we're feeling. I'm not critiquing the idea, but it's a tiny bit interesting. Thank you for the compliment! I believe you're pretty good at phrasing what people feel, in a manner that seems to make sense. That's actually kinda special!

Okay ;) I'm not going to say "I hope it gets better soon" because you can take all the time you need for yourself, but I will be sending you a warm (or cold? I dont know your temperature preferences), air hug~

Yes, I did see your username from the past threads (the tags)-the 2018 post, to be precise. I forgot to ask if you're okay with me using it! If not, I can refer to you by your username too (or any other name you'd wish). Haha-I imagine it'd feel a little nostalgic~

Thank you for the warm wish-I hope you have a wonderful day too! (P.S: Remember that anytime you need it, the air hug's there for you❤)

@loyalTree3713

Multiple posts :o Wow-

@NoneTheWiser

That's okay<3 Haha-I might have to learn copying before posting, it's never occured to me to do that.

Yeah-exams do leave me wondering about the future, a lot of times. There's possible scenarios running all around, exploring a lot of things-it's a bit of a frenzy initially lol. And yeah, exactly-It's a bit of a relief knowing that the result isn't set in stone *yet*.

Thank you for your support❤ That means a lot! I did feel comfortable sharing it-but thank you for affirming that my boundaries come first! I'd like to state that if I ever do ask something that you aren't comfortable sharing, please feel free to not answer it and let me know!

Yes-I find it a little weird that we seem to average out all our feelings/pick the most intense one, to answer how we're feeling. I'm not critiquing the idea, but it's a tiny bit interesting. Thank you for the compliment! I believe you're pretty good at phrasing what people feel, in a manner that seems to make sense. That's actually kinda special!

Okay ;) I'm not going to say "I hope it gets better soon" because you can take all the time you need for yourself, but I will be sending you a warm (or cold? I dont know your temperature preferences), air hug~

Yes, I did see your username from the past threads (the tags)-the 2018 post, to be precise. I forgot to ask if you're okay with me using it! If not, I can refer to you by your username too (or any other name you'd wish). Haha-I imagine it'd feel a little nostalgic~

Thank you for the warm wish-I hope you have a wonderful day too! (P.S: Remember that anytime you need it, the air hug's there for you❤)

@NoneTheWiser

That's okay<3 Haha-I might have to learn copying before posting, it's never occured to me to do that.

Yeah-exams do leave me wondering about the future, a lot of times. There's possible scenarios running all around, exploring a lot of things-it's a bit of a frenzy initially lol. And yeah, exactly-It's a bit of a relief knowing that the result isn't set in stone *yet*.

Thank you for your support❤ That means a lot! I did feel comfortable sharing it-but thank you for affirming that my boundaries come first! I'd like to state that if I ever do ask something that you aren't comfortable sharing, please feel free to not answer it and let me know!

Yes-I find it a little weird that we seem to average out all our feelings/pick the most intense one, to answer how we're feeling. I'm not critiquing the idea, but it's a tiny bit interesting. Thank you for the compliment! I believe you're pretty good at phrasing what people feel, in a manner that seems to make sense. That's actually kinda special!

Okay ;) I'm not going to say "I hope it gets better soon" because you can take all the time you need for yourself, but I will be sending you a warm (or cold? I dont know your temperature preferences), air hug~

Yes, I did see your username from the past threads (the tags)-the 2018 post, to be precise. I forgot to ask if you're okay with me using it! If not, I can refer to you by your username too (or any other name you'd wish). Haha-I imagine it'd feel a little nostalgic~

Thank you for the warm wish-I hope you have a wonderful day too! (P.S: Remember that anytime you need it, the air hug's there for you❤)

@NoneTheWiser

That's an interesting way of looking at it-I suppose multiple posts really do catch the viewer's eye :P

Thank you-and I should have checked with you earlier regarding how I could refer to you! I'm okay with being referred to by any name honestly-loyal, Tree, any permutation of my name you can come up with, though my bio does state Tree xD-Thank you for checking with me!!

It doesn't sound strange in the least :) Of course, I am not sure of whom you are referring to-but I'm honoured that I remind you of them. Thank you for your kind words<3

If I am being honest, a lot of how I phrase my responses- came largely from reading older posts, including yours! My usual response to someone narrating an incident that involves slightly intense feelings, is usually a mind-block, wherein no words come to me, and reading the older posts helped me gain a bit of confidence in phrasing. That's one of the reasons why I thought I understood, when during your first reply on this thread-you said you needed some time to collect your thoughts

[Also, I just wanted to let you know that if you do feel like replying on the thread, please don't feel pressurized to do it within a specific timeframe. Perhaps I should be a little specific-gosh, that's so vague.

If I reply to your reply, and you feel like replying to *my* reply-please don't feel like there's a time-limit. I'm not entirely sure why I am saying this-but you mentioned that you were going to be making some changes to your time in 7Cups (if I understood correctly), and if that involved changes to the amount of time you were spending on here-I would not want you to be crossing your boundaries, and/or spend more time than you desire to-as a result of my posts/replies. Please don't feel an obligation to write or reply here-if it is something you don't exactly feel like doing.

I do know that's too specific-and I'm sorry if that sounds weird-it's just something I feel sometimes, and I thought it would be better to explicitly convey it<3

And of course, I appreciate your presence in this thread!!]

@NoneTheWiser

Of course, Wize!!

The following post may contain references to nausea/throwing up. If either of these make you feel uncomfortable, please do not read further. <3

Sometime around the beginning of this year, I began noticing that going without food for ~6 hours, coupled with sleep deprivation used to make me feel terribly. It wasn't something I had previously experienced, and I thought it would be a one-time thing. Since then, it has recurred multiple times, and I'm trying to lay out causes, symptoms, and possible methods that worked/seemed to work for me:

(This is a pretty long post-It's more of a physical condition, but I'm trying to lay out individual factors that seem to contribute/allay some of the feelings I was feeling.)

Cause:

1. Shallow (non-deep?) sleep-usually due to a mental reminder that I have to wake up early the next day.

2. Lighting-The green night bulb

3. Waking up-and brain accelerating, to normal processing.

4. Super-early breakfast.

5. Staying in Air-Conditioned spaces, wherein any noise/natural visuals are limited.

6. Focusing on a considerably bright screen for ~3 hours. (Headache begins to set in)

7. * (I am choosing to not write this point here)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Headache settles in it's place after an hour or so. I feel mentally and physically exhausted. Incidentally, the worst begins to settle in after I have slept/rested, and in hindsight, that confuses me a lot.

With a slightly heavy head and dreary eyes, I rest, however on waking up the following symptoms manifest:

Symptoms:

1. Feels like someone left a 1 Litre water packet that largely rests on the left side of my head and eye.

2. (A few minutes later) Immense nausea, and dislike for the food I last ate (unless it was bland)

3. A thought, song or statement gets stuck in my head, and constantly replays.

4. Uncontrollable burps, that only seem to do worse.

5. A strong sensation of throwing up (lighting and inconsistent, loud sounds seems to worsen it)

Coping:

1. Deep breathing/Pranayam

2.Soup (with a lot of salt-that seems to be a flavour that I can't register or dislike in the future)

3. Ventilation and White Noise-preferably from a window and a fan, in a dark place, with a little exposure to light from the hallway.

4. Sometimes, singing by myself.

5. Fragmented sleep (needs to be tested)

6. Massaging my back/covering myself with a damp cloth.Touching the ground.

(Estimated recovery time for the symptoms to subside: 2-3 hours)

//Note to self: Easing mental constriction during this phase needs to be considered.

@loyalTree3713

-- Can't believe I forgot this cause:

Travelling in a car, specifically during-acceleration and deceleration.

I also just remembered this isn't something I've begun experiencing only recently, and that it used to happen while I was travelling in a car, essentially without having breakfast.

Conclusion: The green light, and the shallow sleep may only be contributing factors, not primary ones.

Gosh, remembering this is quite a relief!

@NoneTheWiser

They are momentarily difficult but thankfully, they pass. Thank you!! I have a feeling I included some unrelated factors though lol.

Oh gosh-I never thought of that! It is quite possible that they are-I'll have to read up on reflux a bit more. I don't have the burning throat symptom either haha-and yes, my diaphragm does feel similarly. It makes breathing in, feel...bad.

I'm glad salt helps you! Haha, I did read recently that salt leaves you a little happier lol-Weird, I thought sugar used to do that. Maybe both- Either way, Sodium Chloride for the win!!! <3

*sighs* I did need the post.

It's been crazy. I remember when I first created the thread, I thought I wouldn't be needing it much, only maybe occasionally.

Since then, the first time I had disappointed myself-I found myself crying, but I couldn't help but laugh at the thought that I had ended up creating this space right before I came to be aware of the disappointing result-unintentional foresight lol. I remember it was quite confusing for my face-I was standing in front of the mirror, and my jaw would clench so it wouldn't be audible that I was crying out of pain-and then, I'd remember that this happened right after I created a space that I thought I wouldn't need to use to journal- and it was hilarious to me at that moment.

At that time, I had promised to hold myself together until the 18th, and as I found out later-I'd disappointed on the 18th too, and on the 21st and... so, I've to hold myself together for longer.

I think the question that was hurting me was-"How long should I hold onto myself for?"

I suppose it has a response today.

I saw a thread titled "I can't cry and it's *** killing me"- it's stuck with me, the title.

Everytime I'm entering a breakdown and I begin crying, some part of me decides it's time to distance myself from the cause of distress and.. It feels like I'm suddenly teleported to behind a glass, and I'm not feeling anything anymore. My feelings just appear so distanced. But there's still a part of me that's feeling so intensely that it just wishes it could disintegrate into nothing-but it's present at great depth, and at the shallow level-I'm just a quiet human who has lost feeling, because of how painful feeling is. I wish I could break down, without being taken behind a glass-and get it done with.

But I'm also trying to not break the glass and hold my pieces together because I need to, until the end of this month. It's....the desire to break that glass is so strong, so I could finally feel, but also breaking that glass before the end of this month could mean badly for me.

I wish I could tear myself apart, in a manner that would make me recalibrate my feelings.

[This post will likely not make much sense to anyone else reading :') I'm sorry about that<3]

//

Not now-Don't.

Place demaracations, don't let it get stuck in your head. Stop recycling it over and over. Push the chain a little further so the hook can let go of it.

Wait this moment out, but waiting doesn't seem to help-decay, disorganization, on the road to being forgotten. Shall it ever be?

Personal responsibility-E comes first... Let go of C and hold onto E. But C shall be forgotten. I can't handle E anyhow, why not let go of E? Decide?

Note: treat yourself like someone you are responsible for?

E. E, and let go of C.

*zoom out*

//

The place is devoid of warmth. Fires extinguished. Leave me in a desert-I crave the heat, leave me deserted. I'd rather run on the sand knowing I will never reach the end, than on the roads where whether I reach the end depends on me-expectations of my actions, knowing I have the ability to change outcomes. Seeking refuge from the expectations-I rest away from the end, I rest where I am. Digging the ground beneath, so I can hide myself.

Instead-run? *bubble pops in the background* Maybe.

@mytwistedsoul

Was there a post of yours from yesterday in your diary-to which I replied about hyperlinks and stuff? Was that removed? (I'm not sure if I'm remembering it right, I am a little low on sleep, so I could be wrong. I'm sorry if I got the location/incident wrong.)

@loyalTree3713 You're remembering correctly. A troll visited and it's someone who was asked to stay off those threads. Instead of giving them attention -I asked to have their two posts -the last two- to be deleted but they took the rest of it. I probably broke a rule with something

I'm sorry they took your posts as well though and NoneTheWisers :(

@mytwistedsoul

Ohhhh-I didn't know they took down posts without informing the authors why :o That's a little confusing to me-

I don't mind it, please don't apologize for it<3

P.S: I'm just curious-Do you know if there's anyway you can appeal for posts to be reinstated/talk to the person who deleted the post? A form or something?

I'm asking generally, because otherwise it sounds like it makes the moderator's decision absolute, and the author doesn't get to know why...It feels like a double negative for some reason

@loyalTree3713 I've heard older members mention that they used to let you know if they deleted aomething. I know I have seen posts edited. On the edits they usually say who edited it and why. I think it probably all depends on who did it.

I would imagine you could ask to have lost put back. It probably depends on why they deleted it. I figure the extras deleted on my thread was probably because of the reference to here with the one video. Or it could have been because it was all related. Idk

They pretty much do hold the power and have absolute say. If you read some of the new threads coming out - Idk. There's just a certain way they seem to want things done and if we don't follow the rules - we get points lol. Too many gets you kicked out

@mytwistedsoul

Yeah-I thought similarly, and I've seen edits mention the moderator's name too. Maybe it does vary from moderator to moderator.

Ah-I did hear that the replies poof too, when the initial post is deleted-that'd explain it :(.

Do you know whom you could request the reinstatement of a post? I did read the thread about Behaviour Points and the forum guideline update-I thought they'd delete after informing though.

//

[Random stream of thought you don't have to reply to, I don't even know why I am typing this]

It seemed a little strange to read that update though, because I'd just read Expanded forum guideline 2, which stated:

"Posts that are edited or deleted are moderated for tone and presentation, not content."

-and the update requires moderation on the basis of content of feedback (or lack thereof), as it mandates deletion if there's no solution on the post.

Yaargh-so close...

I feel like how a light ray from the sun would, wherein after travelling 149,599,998 kilometers, it gets blocked from reaching the ground, by this shady, stupid opaque object 2 metres above ground level...

Writing that also made me feel sad for the photon.

I suppose I'm a little thankful that dehydration doesn't allow for as many tears to be visible on the outside...

(I understand everything I'm saying here sounds like I'm over-reacting in some ways. I'm aware of that :) But I do genuinely feel this way, so I would appreciate if anyone reading did not tell me "It's only an exam")

A month ago, I had exams whose scores would form the basis for whether I entered a specific university or not. Objectively speaking, I did better than I did in the past, I surprised myself a little-but I didn't pass the ones I wanted to.

There were 2 specific ones I didn't pass-and the first time I didn't, I was...heart-broken. In a way, it seemed like I'd never get to go down the path I wanted to. I had a second exam, needless to say-I messed that up.

And the part that has been bugging me is that, I want to take responsibility for it, but I don't know how to. I badly know that it was my fault, maybe not entirely-but, for a major part. I haven't been able to acknowledge that, irrespective of the number of times I've tried telling myself it was something in my control-that I didn't work towards.

I'm not saying I didn't work towards it, because I failed-I'm saying I didn't work towards it, because I legitimately didn't. I got caught up in a bunch of far-less-important activities, that seemed to matter in that moment. I hate that I didn't put myself first, and instead chose to do things, at the cost of giving up that opportunity.

I hate that I did that. I understand why I did it, but I hate it. This isn't me trying to blame myself and give up, it's me trying to acknowledge that I had a chance at something, and I blew it.

And...I don't know why I'm so determined to convince myself that I had a chance at it. Maybe because I don't want to believe that I am so much of an idiot that there is no way I would have made it.

Over the past week, every time I've messed up. Every time I've used a redundant word, every time I didn't see my way through a problem-which had a solution staring me in the face, every time I just pause when I'm speaking with someone because I don't know how to convey what I wanted to-I've felt like I'm dumb

Internally, there's a part of me that fears that I've just become stupid in these past 6 months, and I've begun spending hours binging sitcoms just so I don't feel like I'm an idiot there. Atleast, I have a laughter track to know when I should be laughing...

P.S: I feel slightly better after writing that out, and reading it

I don't know what to make of this....

A few months ago, I realized that I was uncomfortable making new friends, because it felt like a load of commitments to keep up with. I was speaking only with 3 people at that time, but having to speak every time we came online felt like a burden. I started to actively avoid live chatting in any form. I used to switch of the Wi-Fi, text the person and switch it back on and all the messages would be delivered in a single go. I could plausibly claim that I wasn't online at the time of the receival of replies.

I was afraid of being online at the same time as the other person, because that would mean a conversation and for some reason, I didn't want to converse. Having to converse simply because the other person came only felt strangely like someone was pushing me back into a seat, and I had to stay there and light-chat about a bunch of topics, and it wasn't something I wanted to do.

I feel like the origin of that strong feeling, was when I would plan something and I had to delay the plan because I had to chat at a moment I didn't want to. I'd have a schedule where I wanted to get action [X] done, and I would plan on replying to any texts I had right before doing [X], and someone would come online, and they'd just start a conversation, and I'd feel terrible that I could not get to [X] on time.

I realize this sounds like me making a big deal out of something, and human interaction is a part of life-but I think at some point, I decided to take on so many things that...human interaction in the form of a text didn't feel appealing. I could call the person and speak with them, and I wouldn't feel repulsed about that, but specifically when I'd see the three dots indicating someone was typing, I'd grow frustrated.

I wondered if that was a result of a short attention span, but in scenarios other than that of texting someone, I don't feel frustrated waiting for something, or doing chores because of which I would miss out on doing something that I wanted to.

And for reasons I do not understand, I also don't feel comfortable befriending someone without a purpose. By purpose, I don't mean "I'm going to befriend them so I can learn a new language from them"-not in that sense. What I mean is, prior to 10th grade, I used to feel comfortable befriending everyone, I'd call almost everyone a friend (even if I hadn't interacted much with them)-I would feel happy to see them, and now...they don't seem to be considered friends as easily, by myself. It's almost like I don't want to interact much with people simply because I know them, I don't know why. That has me feeling meh about potential "friendships" and I'm kinda running away from them...

@NoneTheWiser

Haha-it's honestly really nice for me to know that you relate to it! I can't express that enough, I thought I was going a bit crazy being coped up in lockdown, because this feeling isn't something I could reason out well, with myself. Thank you for writing on here!

Do you consider yourself an introvert?

I don't consider myself an introvert, strictly speaking. In the sense, I don't jump at an opportunity for social interaction, but if no one's going for it, I don't mind taking it up. I guess that makes me neither an introvert nor an extrovert? I love the battery analogy that you provided, and I feel like it fits me. There's only a few instances of social interaction where I feel energized/better after interaction.

Mostly, I feel *a little* exhausted after an interaction, because it feels like I was doing a task all along. Kinda like, "The weekly renewal of our friendship has been succesfully acknowledged by both parties, following this conversation. :D*

Do you ever feel like the relationships are one-sided, that you don't get to talk about the things you like or are going through much?

I don't talk about myself in a lot of conversations where I'm not expected to, and when I feel that I've become the focus of the conversation, I usually try to shift the focus. In a way, I'm afraid of becoming the focus of a conversation and leaving the person I'm speaking with disinterested, and I suppose the active attempt at staying away from myself makes the conversation feel more like a task, and less free-flowing... Do you ever find yourself feeling similarly?

Thank you<3 Haha-I don't know if I fit into the description of an active listener or a deep thinker-they sounds like...positions of responsibility? But yes, I do sometimes tend to delve into something, and when I'm having a conversation that's superficial-it feels a little draining.Oooooh-I think I understand the feeling you're referring to! When I try to engage with a person on some topics that seem interesting and require thought, I find that some of the people I'm speaking to drift away (or atleast, remain quiet), and I feel like I've monopolized the conversation and inside my head, I'm hitting the "Abort topic" button repeatedly :P.

Do you think things like phone are easier because you are able to have your eyes away from a screen and do other things at the same time if you like?

Regarding phones, I actually feel dissatisfied if I'm doing something else/multi-tasking during a conversation-so, I tend to focus on the conversations. I tried it once (because I thought it would save time), and it didn't go all that well for me :)

Thank you for your questions-they gave me something to think about, I hadn't really explored a lot of those aspects until you mentioned it and once again, thank you for writing on here!

I shouldn't have mentioned that to him...

I took a conscious decision not to, and I still ended up telling him about it. Why did I? I wish I could have kept my mouth shut, it wasn't something I was supposed to tell him. I made it worse, didn't I?

On the bright side, maybe the impact of telling that, means one commitment less (though I do feel like a bit of an *** (donkey) writing this statement out)

(For context, this has nothing to do with a romantic relationship-though I can see how one could interpret it in that manner)

This is long-I'm sorry for that

I do this weird thing where twice a week, since the admission list for a specific university was released-I go to the webpage where the results are displayed, look at the application numbers of everyone who got in, feel a plunging sensation when I see mine missing, instinctively close the tab and take a look at how every aspect of my life seems to be nowhere close to where I'd wanted it to. And then, I also realize I'm doing nothing to get it over to that spot and I hope that my cognizance of that fact (of inaction), is some indication that I'm in the beginning stages of a process that will eventually reach the end result I imagine.

Hahaha-I felt a little idiotic writing that but again, I did a few stupid things this week.

I disagreed with a very good-natured person simply because I was tired of hearing a specific point (that had nothing to do with me) I did not have a view on. That isn't "the worst", right? Well, my counter-argument was also full of contradictions, so I guess-there's that. I hate that I'm the person who opposes every view presented to me. Sure, inside my head I have this reasoning of "Only if a view can stand oppositional scrutiny, should you believe it", but opposing stuff everywhere, with everyone? Seriously-who am I?

///

Unrelated content follows-and I would appreciate it if anyone reading did not reply to the following content

Sometimes, I wonder if the only reason why I take up a responsibility is so I can feel good about it later on. If the only reason why I do things-is self-preservation, mentally. You know, if I go down the rabbit hole of "I'm plain terrible", this will be some sort of speed-breaker there.

A friend cut ties with me, and I'm surprised I didn't try to "make it work" again. The absence of guilt is something I've never had before, and I feel like I've lost all feeling. I'm not sure if in refusing what he asked me to do, I was being ethical, or if what he was asking me to do was ethical, but I've always felt like you mend misunderstandings, explain your position, apologize-and you keep doing that till...well, the friendship is "saved".

I feel weird that I did not do that this time, that I gave up. Maybe it was pent up feelings of repulsion? Or maybe I didn't care about our relationship, but then, I'm reminded that I did and I stare at a blank wall

I got a text from the person [A] who'd called me a bunch of things-the person who I had written about on 23rd of this month and...he was asking for a favour. Not exactly, I had translated a huge piece as a favour for someone else [B] (who as I later understood, was acting as a proxy for [A])-and [A] sent me a picture of the translation and said, "I don't understand it"..that's it.

I felt strong feelings of repulsion-primarily because he texted me out of nowhere and he acted like nothing had happened and I owed him an explanation of what I had translated. I've been wondering if this is an over-reaction or me being hot-headed, and I would hate for me to take a decision/text when I'm being hot-headed. A part of me wants to ghost him-the text didn't really indicate a request or an apology (though I don't think he feels like he has to apologize for what he called me) or anything that would seem kind. I don't want to go down the route where "we get things together" because I don't ever want to place him somewhere where he can say stuff like what he did, and have as much of an impact on me.

Another part of me is worried that if I go without responding to this text-it'll be unkind, and maybe this is his (very non-explicit) way of indicating a hand of friendship, and while I don't want to be friends-I don't want to be the terrible person who snaps away at it. I suppose the major issue is that the reason I felt okay with our relationship not existing-was because he took that decision, and I didn't have to. I'm now in a place where I have to, and I'm afraid of taking a decision that would be hurtful, and also trying to steer away from "a friendship"-where I have to act like all is forgiven.

I also really really wish that none of the people I was acquainted with guilted him into texting me-I would hate if he was doing this simply because others asked him to.

I haven't felt as strongly and maybe in a few hours, I'll regret the thought of wanting to ghost him but I don't really know.

Note to self: Please don't reply till ~14 hours from now. Please.

@loyalTree3713

Owich, why did I guess this right?

"I also really really wish that none of the people I was acquainted with guilted him into texting me-I would hate if he was doing this simply because others asked him to." Sigh...they did.

I'm not sure how I feel about it. In a way, it's relieving to know that he isn't particularly invested in the relationship either-at this moment, and that I don't have to "make things okay". But at the same time it feels weird that they (the acquaintances) asked him to talk with me. Why?

It's also the first time I'm getting to explicitly view the very different mental frameworks we posses, because while [A] didn't apologize, he did seem excited to talk with me, while I felt like (and this is not absolute, I could well be in the wrong here and not be able to see it) I deserved an apology before anything else, so I didn't normalize how he had spoken to me. I badly want to reciprocate that excitement-but I don't feel it towards him. I feel very cautious around him.

I hope I interpreted his intention of not wanting to have a tussle, while also not being close friends right. That's something which actually works for me, but I have a feeling in a week, I shall have been proved wrong on this

//These are random thoughts. All the "you"s in the post-are mostly just drawn off my experience, and not a generalization. It just felt weird writing the post with "I".

I've been off the thread for a while, and actually, I wrote 3 posts and closed the tab at the end because...they weren't simple. Re-reading them, it felt like I had gone to great pains to make sure the words sounded alright (I googled synonyms lol), that what I was saying made sense, that the post would evoke a specific picture. I felt like the content of my post had been contorted to a point, where I didn't feel like it was coming from me. So, this is..I don't know-I didn't bother checking all of those things here, and my thoughts are likely way off-base.

//When there's something you despise doing [A]-something you have no interest in-there's usually a complementary act, something that appears to provide you relief from it [B]. You don't necessarily look forward to [B], but when you're doing it-the dreariness that usually plagued you is absent.

Strangely, when you don't dislike most things you're doing in life-but are just exhausted from doing them, there's nothing that seems to provide an analogous sense of relief (as [B] did).

//

I was also speaking with someone about a lot of things, and realized that I seriously don't have will-power. That I'm afraid of things getting harder for me because I won't and don't want to work harder through them. Not sure why I am typing that out-because not wanting things to get harder feels like a perfectly popular feeling, and there's really no point for me to give it thought. But I was under the impression that people didn't want things to get harder because they didn't want to experience harder living conditions in some sense, while with me, it's more like I know I wouldn't work through them-I'd probably just lie down and yeah...not sure where I was going with this

I get stuck-words, thoughts, checking off a list of what the statement is supposed to sound like.

"I'm glad to hear that" feels weird when I say it, when I type it, because I don't think I am. I am happy it happened for you, but I'm not focusing on you, so really, the feelings that ought to be evoked in me when I hear of what happened to you simply don't come up. I'm not present in the conversation.

I'm thinking of you-my past with you, what you may be feeling, what the tone of my text should indicate-and it's frustrating, because this long checklist leaves me without a word. It took me an hour and a half to write and reread a 2 side reply. Why am I being so careful about it...? Why am I not focusing on you, but worried about how the conversation should go? Why am I asking for you to speak while I well know I will react only in a specific manner to what you say-a manner independent of the content of your text...almost.

Well, I know the answer to the last-it's probably because I want you to feel valued in the conversation, as though you have space to speak where I will demonstrate to you that I've listened, when I've not. I'm nitpicking those parts of what you say, that shall be essential in my demonstration of my listening. It feels so fake and yet, I can't let go of it.

Why am I more worried about continuing the conversation than being present in it-even if I can't react properly?

(Lol, the 2 line breaks were for dramatism)

Thoughts on questions...

I feel weird if the conversation has paused-because I don't know if I said something disinteresting or if you had to leave. A question is a way out-it takes the pressure of me in a conversation because I've handed the baton to you. It's no longer my responsibility to say something and I can quit worrying about it.

Why do I feel like handing the baton over to you, in the form of a question...?

Maybe because I've made statements in the past which...couldn't bring about a response. Where the subject matter was absolutely distant from a field you have opinions on/are interested in, and you aren't sure of whether you should say something. When considering a question, you don't have that dilemna, you definitely have to answer and it's so much easier to say "I don't know about it". I want to make sure you can reply, that there's something you can say, and have a way out of reacting to any of my other statements-you don't have to feel awkward about it.

But why are you (am I) so concerned that you have a way out of the conversation without having to reply to something you don't feel like reacting to?

This should be obvious...but why do I care about it? Does anyone care about it in a conversation with someone else? I can't see so.

For about a couple of months now, I thought that the reason why I wasn't able to study as well over the past months, as I ought to have was because I had taken up commitments, which took away time from when I should have been studying. But recently, over the past 3 weeks, I've had the time of study, and yet have taken a passive decision to not do so. Thoughts...

Instance 1:

This was something that occurred to me when I initially took up the commitment, I was trying to convince myself that I had taken the right choice, and in that process, I told myself, "As I definitively have to work towards achieving the task (of keeping the commitment), maybe I shall keep track of the time I spend besides it, and hence, be a little more accountable of myself, in terms of the time I study for."

Note: I didn't realize the commitment would be very time-consuming, and I discovered it only at a point when I couldn't back out of it.

My reasoning (which sounded far-fetched then) was that, as I have to commit to the task, but also have to study, I will be more aware of the time I'm spending not studying. I'll be worried that a portion of my usual time is already being devoted to [x] (the task I had committed to, but didn't realize how much time it would require). The anxiety that I was already not spending enough time studying would cause me to study better (to make up for "lost time"?), than I was in the absence of that commitment. I realize it makes more sense now.

Instance 2:

A week ago, my earphones stopped working. I was asked to not try fixing it. Somewhere inside my head, panic alarms set off when it broke, because...(a)that meant I'd be without a microphone for online classes, but more so because, (b) that'd mean my parents would have to spend money on getting a new pair of earphones, and I felt very repulsed by that thought. It seemed to reflect poorly on the user of the earphones (me) and somewhere in my head, I felt like if I asked them for a new pair, I was indicating that I wasn't being careful about what I had. The repulsion combined with my rebellion towards the statement where I was asked to not attempt fixing it, and...without the knowledge of my parents, I managed to fix it in a couple of hours.

Instance 3:

Whenever the router drops, I feel very strongly as though I need to fix it, it's almost...a challenge? Because it happens er-quite frequently and it confunds me. Usually, I'm able to figure out something that works in the movement, but I should have gotten exasperated of fixing it by now, and I haven't.

I've been thinking about how in Instances 2 ad 3, I was able to actively work on doing something, I wouldn't give up on it-it ticked me off when I was stuck, and didn't know how to proceed. But I didn't walk away from it, I didn't feel like walking away from it but oh-how that contrasts with my attitude towards studying. I've been trying to draw comparisons, and the difference in attitude has little to do with whether or not I like all of the acts I've mentioned in 1, 2 and 3.

//If I've learnt something, it's this-I ought not to be trusted with time, because every time I am, I don't put it to the use I envisioned.

Earlier today, I completed a task that usually takes me 4 hours, in 1.5 hours, and I was elated. It's a task I've to do daily, and that I managed to save as much time gave me hope that I'd have 2.5 hours of free time for the future , everyday, in which I could patiently work towards what I wanted to, if I could keep this up.

But it's evening now, and I haven't really used those 2.5 hours in a manner I would like to...I've spent it like the rest of my day. So, I'm stuck with this question-Why is it that when I have little time to complete specific jobs, I am able to do so effectively, whilst if these jobs have to be completed over a larger time-frame, I perform abysmally-I spend most hours passively deciding to not do it? It seems like I need some sort of stress-inducing factor to work well...and that's something I need to check out.

@loyalTree3713

I'm realizing I phrased my last post in a very amateur manner... I made it out to be simple, or atleast I think I did.

Sometimes, I'm confused with myself, my reading habits. I remember growing up devouring books, and over the past couple of years, newspapers. I used to buy 3 of them, and fill myself up with the current happenings, before the lockdown began and I got a chance to slow down.

//

I'm confused by how I approach problems. I usually start out by thinking that I shall state what I am sure of and thereafter attempt to stretch strands so their ends can stick onto one of those premises that I am sure of. But phrasing does not work all that well for me. As I type, I begin associating a whole new range of feelings with the incident/thought, because I'm thinking...I'm thinking of the words to type, not letting them run free in my head. When I'm using a word, my brain happily jumps at the closest association to the word, which need not necessarily be related to my thoughts and almost contaminates the environment of feelings in my head.

As an example, take the last line from my previous post...

"It seems like I need some sort of stress-inducing factor to work well...and that's something I need to check out."

Check out. Loads of things I put on the to-do list on the past, but never got around to. Do I truly intend on checking this out?

I feel sure of the reasoning, why am I typing it as "...and that's something I need to check out."? I'm trying to make myself seem unsure of it, so if someone reading it does think that I've gotten it wrong, maybe they will think that I had the foresight to think I could be wrong. I want to seem like a skeptic. [Memories of other instances where I was better off keeping only one foot in, in the belief of my idea, and not coming off as naive...are visible at the distance of my mind]

"It seems like I need some sort of stress-inducing factor to work well"-But isn't it true that I have a short attention span, for specific actions? Why am I typing this out-what if it isn't really the case? [thoughts of my intentions being to show that I've *figured it out*, simply so I can feel better about myself, surface in the distance]

When I write, my thoughts are changing. What used to be an incident, feels corrupted-it's no longer pure occurence. It's the occurence+all that I associated with it. The words I was using to describe the incident, each had a connotation, and I feel like hypothesizing that these words changed how the situation was, in my head. A part of me thinks that reasoning is obvious, another part of me thinks that it's far-fetched and that these connotations couldn't have had a major impact on the incident. Former part disagrees, pivots thoughts to Linchpin Theory...Uneasy quiet

*plops back*

So, is that good or bad-that I attach connotations on writing? ("IF I do that", latter part quips)

Um...not sure. I would ask, does it matter whether it's good or bad that these recollections were contaminated?

Not sure about that, either.

*************

I understand the words "corrupted"/"contaminated" have a very negative connotation-I did not intend them in that manner. I was using them to refer to an external substance finding it's way into the memory, being associated with it, and as a result changing the initial form of the memory.