The meadow of a fluffy sheep

A video of me and Rossini working on agility training!

https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t42.3356-2/332999879_6094120330634085_1856326833220470237_n.mp4?_nc_cat=103&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=060d78&_nc_ohc=dyr3HBjlvAoAX9M99O5&_nc_ht=scontent.xx&oh=03_AdR4qvpwCFZK_UDTvQRHgux7pnGssKsXiUlGNrJEcR2o5w&oe=64162724&dl=1

Here are the rest of my vacation photos from Hawaii!

What’s up, friends? It’s been forever! I’ll start by sharing a few life updates! First, I got the same English teacher that I did in the first trimester, she’s very kind and understanding and she gives great rubrics and examples. I did a speech on age regression for my public speaking class, it was my first real speech in a long time and I did well. I talked to a behavioral interventionist about the disrespect and misbehavior from my classmates, which I’ll post about in a minute. I had the idea to take self-care days every two weeks to every month, and I know it’ll be a great experience to recover and reward myself for getting good grades and just managing and coping with all my mental illnesses. I got a strict teacher for world studies, which is a good thing because he doesn’t take any nonsense, and I’m not a student who misbehaves so that won’t be a problem for me. I’ve been getting some new outfits that I’ll post pictures of in a bit. Unfortunately, none of my friends have the same lunch period as me, so I have to eat alone, which really sucks, especially since now I actually have so many awesome friends who I could be sitting with and talking to. I asked my school counselor if I could switch to a different lunch period, but she said no because it would mean switching classes and teachers. I went to a Chinese buffet that I hadn’t gone to before COVID. It’s the best restaurant I’ve ever been to, I remember it so well and I’m just so happy that I was able to come back. I taught my dog how to roll over as part of a demonstration speech for my public speaking class. My mom and I were picking my brother up from childcare and I got to see Abby, who is the daughter of my previous math teacher from middle school. She’s eight now (gosh, I met her when she was five) and she was so excited to see me. It was adorable and definitely brightened my day. I’ve been playing the Sims 4 so that’s been super fun. I went to tour the University of Minnesota in Duluth and it was amazing! I want to go there, it looks so great. My voice lesson teacher invited me and my mom to go to an Easter church service, and I now go to church group at that church. I’ve met so many kind people. I’m a social person, so talking with other people who are nice really brightened my week. Lastly, my friend Kalia (from high school) shared some of her past and present struggles with me and I was able to listen and support her, which strengthened our friendship. Thanks so much for reading, and have a wonderful weekend.

Okay, so, last night, I went to my school's concert. It was two and a half hours long. I go to a really big school. My crush was performing a singing solo. I already knew this, but like, omg. Her voice is gorgeous. She's the best singer I know in real life and I'm not even being biased. She did amazing. I told her I wouldn't be able to come because I was babysitting my brother's friend and helping him learn to read (he's autistic) but we got done early enough for me to go and be there in time. When the concert was over, I found her outside the auditorium. She was so happy that I came. It turns out, she really wanted me to come, and she was thinking of me. She was like, "Everett!! How- I- what the heck!!" And she was smiling so much and she hugged me so tight. Her smile is literally one of the cutest things I've ever seen in my whole life, and her tight hugs make me the happiest person alive. I told her, "I patiently waited for the entire first part of the concert, and when it was finally your turn to step up, I was like, *clasps hands my over mouth* and when you started singing I screamed!!" And she was like, "Awww, oh my gosh," and I said, "You are amazing in so many ways, and if anyone disagrees I will remove their vocal cords with a staple remover." She laughed and was like, "Oh my gosh," and in a happy way. Oh my gosh. That was one of the most amazing nights of this year. I also got to see my friends Jocelyn, Lauren, and Signe.

Omg 😭😭😭 I told this pretty girl from my public speaking class that she did amazing at the concert and she literally hugged me 😭😭😭 I don’t even know her name 😭😭😭 also I accidentally said talent show instead of concert so I hope she knew what I meant 😭😭😭 I also got 36/36 on a summative assignment 😭😭😭 I’m so happy 😭😭😭

*crashes into the chat*

Hiii! Who’s ready for some new updates on the life of a Shuffle Fleep?

I had one of my self-care days! I walked to Central Park, around the lake, stopped at the playground to observe the smol beans, and walked back home. I sang some Olivia Rodrigo songs,

I ate lunch at Culver’s, which was exciting for me because my family doesn’t typically eat out because we don’t have the money. I had to pay for it with my own money, but it was worth it because the food tasted so good.

Here are selfies I took in different outfits:

I met my school social worker and she was so kind that I basically spilled out my entire life story to her. She was so supportive and caring, it was wonderful. I’m really glad that I have her in my support system.

I’ve been doing occupational therapy with a new occupational therapist, and she’s also one of those people who just make me feel comfortable enough to tell her everything that’s been going on. I enjoy working with her.

Something unfortunate happened last two Wednesdays ago: I made a joke that crept my friend/crush out and she said that I can be stalkerish and obsessive and it is weirding her out. I had a massive panic attack because I didn't want to lose her and I knew that I had messed up. Obviously, I’m not still having a panic attack about it, but I do have some bad news. I didn’t message her last weekend to give her space but we did like each other’s social media posts. On Monday, we talked really briefly and casually (she told me about her chemistry class). I also gave her a slice of Oreo cake that I had made with a friend. Then, on Thursday, I messaged her and said “Hiiii” “How come you weren’t at school today? /nfta” and she read it a few seconds later. She still hasn’t responded and she’s been online a lot since then. So, obviously, she needs more space, she doesn’t want to talk to me right now. I’ve been trying my best to cope even though my mind makes it difficult. I hate my mind. It’s a mess that I cannot escape. I’ve been keeping myself busy to try and keep my mind off of it and her but it hurts, you know? She means a lot to me and I care about her and our friendship and it hurts for that not to be reciprocated. Gosh, that was a lot longer than I wanted it to be. Oh well. Let’s move on to more good things.

I hung out with Nora, who’s one of my eighth-grade friends. We talked and baked Oreo cake. We didn’t mess up the recipe at all! It turned out heavenly, omg. It was so delicious. It was wonderful to see her, I had missed her so much. She’s doing better now, stuff at home was pretty rough for her but she said it’s improved a lot and I’m happy for her.

I got matched with a mentor through a program called Big Brothers Big Sisters. Her name is Maria and it’s crazy how much we have in common. We have the same birthday, which blew our minds. We like the same food and we both love cooking and baking. There’s a lot more, too. We went to Tii Cup (a bubble tea chain in Minnesota) to hang out and talked and it was great. We even got the same bubble tea because our go-tos were both mango iciis.

So it’s been ups and downs, a lot of ups and a very big down, I’ve been trying to focus on the positives and be grateful.

Thank you for reading, and have a wonderful week!

@amiableBunny4016

@Jefferythebunny319

@BryteFlowerPetals

@TabbyCat97

@KateDoscocilova

@LavenderHere

@tommy

@IzzyMay

@SirenOfSerenity

@kenzolena

@CompoundingHappiness

@Storyfox23

@CallumCares421

@brilliantTurtle89

@AnnaSilverberg

@RosaHere

@MagnificentSunrise

@CommunityModLucy

@JasmineFlower222

@Rubylistens22

@innateJoy9602

@FaithfulZareia

@elwinthisside124

@positivePumpkin22

@mariainfj

@Nomifordays

@OliveTree1728

@SmollPeridotsBreakdown

@leleislost09

@DarkerPlaces

@BirdKing449

@JemmyX0X0

TW: some swearing

Oh, god. Where do I even start. I went to family fun night. My friend Jocelyn from high school was there. So were Nora, Selena, Rosalie, and Natalia. I spend the majority of the time with Jocelyn. She's really nice and she values me a lot which is obviously great but I felt left out by my old friend group. They were all laughing and goofing around and being physically affectionate with each other. I felt like they didn't want me there so I went to hang out with Jocelyn and we spent most of family fun night together. Then for the last hour, I hung out with Nora and Natalia (Selena had to leave), and Rosalie was there too. Rosalie and I didn't interact at all. It was just me and Nora and Natalia. I'm closer with Nora than I am with Natalia and I kept trying to be physically affectionate with her as a way of reassuring myself. If she reciprocated, which she did, I felt less anxious that she was going to leave me out and be fine without me. Nora was loving and caring toward me which made me feel less anxious. Natalia is naturally a talkative person who likes to talk with anyone and everyone so she kept talking to me and that helped too. But Rosalie. My gosh. I was heartbroken. She was laughing and goofing around and completely ignored me. My mom suggested that I act casual and pretend like it's not awkward at all because if I act like it's awkward then it will become awkward. So I did. But she's fine without me. There was a time, last year, where she said "I don't know what I'd do without you." Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny. Was it all a lie? Apparently. She was hugging Nora and resting her arm on her and leaning on her and it was all so natural. It was all so casual. Does she know what I would do for her to do that to me? She was happy to see Nora even though she had just seen her earlier today at school. I hadn't seen her since November and she ignored me. Does she know how bad that hurts? She doesn't want or need me. Not anymore. She told me she wouldn't do this. She promised me. She *** promised me. You know who else promised me? Kacy and Iris. They left. Both of them. You wanna know who else has left me? Owen. Faunus. Seneca. Gone. Every name is like a stab to the heart. Oh, and get this. Rosalie told Nora, in front of me, "It's been a whole year since the whole Caleb thing, isn't that awesome?" Caleb is a boy from theater who Rosalie had a crush on and who kissed her but he also had a crush on our friend Allison and Allison also liked him and he had just gotten out of a relationship with another girl from theater so it was a really complicated and messy situation. Caleb was a very problematic person and had really problematic boundaries. I struggled with boundaries at the time but it was nothing compared to him. I felt violated by him a lot and Rosalie and Allison told me that he said and did things that I and many other smart people would consider not okay. Basically, Caleb lead Rosalie on And made her believe that he liked her a lot. This was at the same time that I had been crushing on Rosalie for months and had just recently confessed and gotten rejected. Both Rosalie and Allison were head over heels for this guy. I don't remember exactly what happened because it hurt so bad to see Rosalie love someone else like that that I tried to avoid being exposed to the situation, but I think Caleb betrayed Rosalie's trust and decided that he didn't care about her or like her or want her in his life and that hurt her a whole lot. This all happened while we were doing theater. Theater with Rosalie was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Rosalie would always show me affection and care and she loved me so much. She would hug me and ask me if I was okay and it's kind of hard to explain but we had so many heartfelt moments that just showed she loved me so much. It meant the world to me. My attachment issues were really bad back then (they still are) and that was the Reassurance I needed. It was the affirmation and validation I craved so much and my needs were being met by her. Doing theater with her meant so much to me. It meant the world to me. It was what I would look forward to and it was just so so meaningful. But. The one thing Rosalie remembers from that time was Caleb. Does she even remember theater? Did it even matter to her? Or is it all gone now, a distant memory, covered up by new and more important ones? Does she know how much doing theater with her meant to me? Does she know how bad it hurt to see her love Caleb and not me? Did she know how much I cried when I saw Caleb kiss her when I had been dreaming and fantasizing about kissing her for months? She had the audacity to say, in front of me, "You know what, it's been an entire year since the whole Caleb thing, don't you think that's pretty amazing?" She has forgotten. Either that or it doesn't matter to her anymore. Does she know how I still remember my first kiss with Iris? Every detail. The snow. My faux fur jacket we were sitting on. What I was wearing. How she had her hair down. How we looked into each other's eyes. How she smiled at me as if I was her world. Does she know how, even though I've processed and grieved and cried and spend years getting over it as best I could, it still stings to think of that night with Iris? Does she know how long it took me to feel okay after Iris left me? Years. Three years. And now I'll have to start all over again with Rosalie. All because she left me. She left me because she could and she wanted to. That's all it takes. It's the same with Iris. And Owen. And Kacy. And Seneca. And Faunus. All because they woke up one day and decided that they didn't want or need me the way I wanted and needed them. And then. I couldn't take it anymore and asked Nora if I could talk to her privately. I explained my fear of abandonment and she said she promised she wouldn't abandon me because I mean a lot to her and I'm an amazing Friend. She told me that nothing, not our friends, not high school, not anything could tear us apart because we'll be friends forever. I told her that Rosalie promised me and look where we are now. She said she isn't the type to break promises and I said I didn't think Rosalie or Kacy were either but I trust her. She promised she would try to come over once a week so that we could hang out and I said Rosalie promised that when the school year started but it never happened. She assured me that she wasn't the type to break promises and I felt better and safer after her love and support. Then, Rosalie runs up to us and yells, "Nora, you abandoned me!" And I almost lose my mind right then and there. She said it in front of me. Knowing fully well what she had done to me. Knowing fully well the pain she caused me. And that's when I knew she'd never feel sorry for the way I hurt.

nononono

please

someone help

no

not this feeling

i don't want to feel this again

no

can't look

hurts too bad

don't want to feel this

it's like a stab to the heart

Exactly one year ago.

Today.

Our final theater performance.

The most amazing night I had with Rosalie.

The most amazing night I will ever have with Rosalie.

I will never have another experience like that with them again.

Because they're gone.

They left.

Theater. We were performing. Our final performance. I did the curtain. They set out chairs for one of the sets. We sat backstage the rest of the time with our mutual friends, Allison and Miryam. My family came. Their family had come the previous night. We walked around and visited McDonald's, Arby's, Aldi, and Speedway for lunch.

No. Please no. It hurts too bad to talk about it. To even think about it. But I have to do this. For myself. I have to be brave. Can't keep it all bottled in. Okay. Deep breaths, Everett.

At the restaurant, when Rosalie had social anxiety about picking up their order, I told them, "You did a great job, I'm so proud of you. I'm here for you every step of the way, through good and bad times, and I'm proud of you for fighting your social anxiety." They put their arm around me and said "Thank you, I love you." They let me link arms with them while we were walking around looking for food.

Rosalie completely made my day. After the performance, I told them I was scared because this was one of the last things we were going to be able to do together before I go to high school and then we wouldn't be able to stay together.

They said “I promise we’ll stay connected. I’ll make sure we hang out lots this summer. It’s gonna be great! You've got this. You’re gonna make so many new friends at high school, and the year after that, I’ll be there! It’s gonna be amazing, you’re gonna have so much fun, and we’ll always be together. Once school starts again, we should make a day where we hang out every week. I wish I could stay with you, but I love you and I promise we’ll keep in touch. Our friend group will never leave you, and if they do, I’ll get in a hot air balloon and track them down.”

Please, no.

I'm crying.

TW caps

THEY PROMISED. THEY PROMISED ME. AND I TRUSTED THEM. I BELIEVED THEM. THEY DIDN'T EVEN HANG OUT WITH ME OVER THE SUMMER. MAYBE ONCE IF EVEN THAT? IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY? AND OUR FRIEND GROUP. THEY PROMISED THAT IF OUR FRIEND GROUP LEFT ME, THEY'D BE THERE FOR ME. AND NOW THEY'RE THE ONE WHO LEFT ME. *** TRAITOR. THEY BETRAYED ME. WHAT THE ***.

Okay. Deep breaths. Continue. At least try to be calm.

I started sobbing out of joy and relief. Sobs literally wracking my body. It was so much for me. The emotions came in waves. Wave after wave, after wave. When I tried to talk, my breath was short and broken and my voice was shaky. They patiently hugged me. It felt so good to be in their arms and breathe in their scent. I don't mean that in a creepy way, they just smelled really good and it was comforting.

I felt so loved and cared for. They held me close as I sobbed and shook. It felt so safe, so secure, like nothing could break us. Space and time felt irrelevant. I said “I love you so much, and I’m everlastingly grateful” and they hugged me tighter. Words cannot describe what I felt at that moment. I had been terrified for months. Terrified of going to high school. Terrified of being separated from them and the rest of the friend group. Terrified of not being good enough for Rosalie. Terrified of not being touched and affirmed by them. Terrified of not being close to them. It was like a giant knot inside of my stomach. And when they tightened their hug, it felt like that entire knot had just unwound inside of me. It was an overwhelming sensation. I wanted to run, wanted to hide, but most of all, didn't want this to end.

I texted my parents about the amazing, wonderful time I had with Rosalie, and just typing it out made me cry again. I remember. I remember like it was yesterday. We were sitting on a bench. White bench. Backstage. It was dark. We were both wearing our T-shirts from the musical. We were both on our phones. I was typing out what Rosalie had done for me and felt my emotions threatening to overwhelm me again. I took a deep breath, but that only made my eyes well up with tears. Rosalie turned to me and put their arm around me. God. It feels like a stab to the heart remembering it. They cared about me. They loved me so much. What happened? I trusted them. They were loyal to me. We were always there for each other. We would talk all the time. What the *** happened? I lost all of it. Every piece. Shattered. Gone. Carried away by the wind.

@amiableBunny4016

@Jefferythebunny319

@BryteFlowerPetals

@TabbyCat97

@KateDoscocilova

@LavenderHere

@tommy

@IzzyMay

@SirenOfSerenity

@kenzolena

@CompoundingHappiness

@CallumCares421

@brilliantTurtle89

@AnnaSilverberg

@RosaHere

@MagnificentSunrise

@JasmineFlower222

@Rubylistens22

@innateJoy9602

@FaithfulZareia

@elwinthisside124

@positivePumpkin22

@mariainfj

@Nomifordays

@OliveTree1728

@SmollPeridotsBreakdown

@leleislost09

@DarkerPlaces

@BirdKing449

@JemmyX0X0