mariainfj Member Profile

A poem I wrote about him 😕

Poetry / by mariainfj

December 2nd, 2023

...See more I’m not okay I’m seriously gonna melt, cry, and idkkk in the way back home from school I just got the most poetic words for him in my mind, all I wanted was to write about him just because he didn’t talk to me today :( It hurts me when he doesn’t give me attention, and I can’t tell if all the times he’s talking to me he’s doing it bc he likes me back or feels something for me or just bc he sees me alone and he’s too kind and he talks to me as a classmate ☹️ But my heart breaks in the idea of the second one. Why is he being so sweet with me then? I feel so safe when I’m around him and he reflects so much love and care everytime he comes and talks to me and asks about me, that I just want this guy to be my boyfriend, honestly 😕 If only he knew how he makes me feel with every sound of his voice declaring my name 🥺All these times he’s come and sat with me, and talked TO ME. Why would he talk to me :( All that only bc he sees me alone? He doesn’t even talk to me in the most common way. Or else I wouldn’t catch feelings, would I? Idk but rn I’m at a point where I’m looking forward to going to school just so I can talk to him, and the fact that I waited the whole day yesterday for him to barely talk to me, was so disheartening. He doesn’t know how much he hurt me. Would he care if he knew? 😕 I love him so much. I’m wondering what he’s even thinking when he’s talking to me. I just want to cuddle him. He’s the only person who has made me feel like I want to cuddle him so much when I look at him. Idk if it’s the cute hoodies he wears or like his cuute face. Or the way he cares for me 🥺 Does he? Because I feel so much care when he talks to me. I feel like I can trust him and tell him anything that’s on my mind. He’s honestly the only thing I want right now. I just want to hold him. I want to spend my whole days at school holding hands with him and walking around together. I don’t even care if anyone is going to see us. It’s not even like I would think about others. It would be just me and him. I’m hurting so much everytime I see him spending his days at school with his friends and just ignoring me. Maybe I don’t mean anything to him. But only if he knew how much he means to me. I think I love him… I know the feeling of love, I’ve loved other people before. And I know that this is how it feels. So yeah, I love him. But this time this is not enough to me. What I don’t know is what it feels to be loved back. I want him to love me back. I want to spend every moment with him. After being the whole day together at school I want us to hang out and go on cute dates, on cute little spots that are just for us. I want us to study together, I want him to motivate me to do as good at school as he does, in that school for good students we both are. I want him to help me with maths and physics, and all these subjects he’s good at, while l help him with the basic language grammar he’s told me he doesn’t know, I promise. I wanna write him letters, and poems. I want to write everything for him. In that creative writing club I go to, he’s gonna be the inspiration behind everything I write. Little will the teachers who know him as much as they know me, cause he’s my classmate, know that these writings are for him. Who I am referring to. I love him. I just want to be with him. And I can’t wait for the hours to pass to see him again at school. But this time I want him to talk to me, or I should do that. But I want us to talk. I want us to talk, everyday more and more. I want to get to know him more day by day and fall for him with every new thing I learn. I want him. That’s all I think these last few days. Little does he know that everywhere I go I imagine him being with me. If he cares so much about me being alone at school, then he should be with me so I’m never alone again :’). I want him! I want him.

Wanting a boyfriend

Relationship Stress / by mariainfj

June 8th, 2023

...See more Well, these last months, one of the thoughts that's been troubling my mind a lot is that I actually really want to have someone, someone that I can call my boyfriend. I think this is a common feeling for people my age to go through but I haven't found a lot of people who experience it in the way I do. Basically, I've almost never been in a relationship. The only relationship I have been to is an online one last year, that ended up badly because we were just incompatible - and I don't care about that. The thing is that ever since I've been let down by all of the people I've ever liked - even the slightest bit, for example most of the time what happens is that I carefully develop a small crush into someone (now I do that carefully because I'm trying not to 'attach' myself to someone so easily), so whenever I like someone they always have a girlfriend. I don't know if it's because my standards are "too high" - when it comes to appearance and quality of a guy but I don't even care if they're considered 'high', I don't understand what exactly can be considered high. I just want a cute looking guy who's kind, fun to be around and yeahh who will basically love me back. I finally want to be that girlfriend someone has. I finally want to be chosen by someone, and yk have someone love me back for once. And this all has to be irl. I will never get in an online relationship again, they suck. All I want is to express my love in my 2 top love languages: quality time and physical touch, and these require a real life relationship. At this point I don't even have anyone to daydream of because I think that all the people I previously had in my head are excluded, ex: they're taken, or people from the past I've gotten over. I just want someone new in my life :/. I don't even have a crush. But uhh idk who gets me, all I have to say is that I've never been in a relationship and I want a boyfriendd a lot :'/. Also, I don't even have proper friends to start off, I live a pretty lonely lifestyle. One last thing I have to mention is that it's not even like I'm ugly or not cool, that's not the reason why I'm single. I really do recognize my worth, I love myself and I'm very content with the way I look. I even think I'm way too pretty and cute to be single. And I also think that if someone met me they would most likely like my personality too. I might be shy, but I can also be very funny and cool, I think. I think that the biggest reason why I'm single is that because I'm shy, I don't have friends and I'm not out there in order to meet someone :(. All I can do is just wait for the right one to come at the right time... I'm hoping that I can meet some new people either at the summercamp, or most importantly at the new school I'll go to next year - I'll go to highschool and it's a very good school, full of cool people and so many different choices for friends, so I'm holding on to that hope. The only thing I have to do is study to get in that school, because I have to go through exams - since it's a model highschool (for good students). During this time of waiting I'll just try to focus on my relationship with God, and the other good things in my life. I try to hold on to the exciting plans that I already have and do what I gotta do in the moment, so I can continue growing and getting ready during that time. At least, I trust that God will get it right.

Rants

General Support / by mariainfj

June 9th, 2023

How to deal with desperation for a relationship ?

Relationship Stress / by mariainfj

September 27th, 2022

Greece

Around the World / by mariainfj

November 14th

More than a “celebrity crush”

Relationship Stress / by mariainfj

June 20th, 2022

...See more Well the last 5 years I’ve been a big fan of the popular Norwegian pop duo, Marcus & Martinus. From the first moments of my time in the fandom I had found my “lane” as most of their fans aka “mmers”had. I was Marcus lane. I was only 9 years old when I found these boys. And that boy in particular, Marcus. At first I was a normal fan. Just like everyone else, I would only be interested about their next concert in my city (ps they were very popular in my country, Greece back then and they would often have shows in my city.) , the next song they were going to release, what they posted on their story or the necessary funfacts about them. I would just only dream of the day I would meet them as a fan. Today I’m glad to say that this has already happened in June 20th 2019 (wow it’s almost been 3 years) and after that when I finally got a bit more mature and when the coronavirus pandemic with the quarantine came I started to get more obsessed with Marcus Gunnarsen. In the beginning of 2020 I had realized that I was in love with him. It was because I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking of him or whenever I did I would get butterflies and I would get the full feeling of love. I was so obsessed with him like it was when I started exploring more things about him, like watching the videos I had never watched or discovering things about him I didn’t know because I wasn’t so active in the fandom before quarantine due to my young age because yk I couldn’t understand things so well and mostly due to school. When the quarantine came I started getting that idea of being in love with him more seriously. The dream of actually spending my future with him was becoming more intense day by day. I reached to the point where he’s currently the love of my life. And I basically mean that. I haven’t loved anyone the way I love him and I honestly don’t think I ever will. It’s just so unfair that I’m one of those thousands fans. I have multiple plans on my head on how I could “achieve” this dream and like put that person in my life cause now I don’t think I’d ever be able to leave him like this like it’s not just an idea, it’s something that feels so real in me. Like based on the way I want my life to be like I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s the only person who’s like the ideal to spend my life with. He has everything I want in a person. I just know he’s my soulmate but MY soulmate. What if I’m not his soulmate too though ? Or what if it’s just a crazy idea ? Because it really sounds funny and writing this I also realize how dumb it might look to anyone who would read this. I’m only 13 years old being in love with a 20 year old man haha. But I don’t even see him as a man like I totally forget that he’s literally an adult because looking at him you couldn’t say “oh he’s too old for you”. But anyways there are a few “big things” that worry me and keep me back to like “reality” and make me worry if this is just a dream or if it could ever be real. But I don’t want it to be just a dream. Like he’s the rightest person I could ever find in the probably wrongest circumstances. I keep believing on that though. My intuition on this is so confused because on the one hand all of those fortune teller things tell me that it’s not meant to be but the way I imagine my future tells me that it is and I don’t know which one is stronger. I keep on praying to God and wasting all my wishes for this but I guess that whatever is meant for me it will be. The problem is that I wanna know if that makes me crazy or if that sounds possible to you. In general how possible or healthy do you find seeing a celebrity as something more than a role model or a celebrity crush. Seeing a celebrity as your soulmate even though they don’t even know that you exist. Does that make sense ?

An online relationship confusion

Relationship Stress / by mariainfj

June 12th, 2022

...See more Well since the beginning of March I have been talking to a guy on the social platform “Quora”. Before that I was rejected by a guy in my class I deeply loved so in the back of my head I had the desire to find someone else to replace him. Tbh I actually liked his energy whenever we were texting and the feeling of getting a new message. After some conversations, he asked me if I have a bf and then after a few days we were together. At first I was really satisfied because in just 3 days we had formed an honest relationship where we trusted each other and we were free to say whatever we wanted. I have to mention that I always knew all that comfort would end up on something sexual. And I hated that idea. Just a few days later he started confessing to me about how he’s sexually attracted to me, he imagined me and had the urge to see me naked and everything. Then I talked to him about my demisexuality and how I’m not interested on sex yet maybe because I’m also young. He didn’t give up on me for that but since then he constantly made effort to actually understand why I don’t get sexual feelings and tried to change that. A week ago it was the day when he asked me for nudes. I’ve always known this would happen. No matter how much I was telling myself that he’s all good and would never do that I couldn’t imagine anything else this relationship could lead to. Obviously I had prepared my answer long time before and I said NO. Then he started telling me that he understands and knew I wouldn’t send them from the beginning but he was too desperate to see me naked and telling how much it hurt him and everything. I totally understand that we both seek different things in our relationship and I try to understand his desires but I’m really not able to please any of them. Since that whenever I texted him a long paragraph explaining how I actually feel about everything he wouldn’t reply for days until I triple texted him, obviously because he wanted to avoid getting “hurt” etc. And whenever he replied he said that I don’t make effort to compromise, that I didn’t trust him, that only my problems exist etc. Then after some more times of him not replying or replying by making arguments about his feelings and me responding with mine, I decided we had to end it. Then I didn’t plan us to go back together but after 2 days I missed texting him a little and I just wanted to check on him and when I asked him how he was doing he said that he was a little depressed because of me. So idk why but at the end of my message I asked him to stay with me. And now we’re still together but then he kept up with those arguments. The problem is that I don’t know what to do with this relationship. I don’t know how to please each other. I feel that he would only be truly pleased with something sexual but it’s not the same for me. My purpose in this relationship was to have someone to be there, to talk to, to love, to dream of etc. But I’m sad to think that a relationship always has to lead in something sexual which I’m not ready for. I’m just 13 but the only thing I wanted was someone to love me and remind each other every day. Someone to cuddle with and to have fun with and feel comfortable around but at the same time feel your heart floating in love whenever you look at them. Idk should I move on and breakup with him ? Because I really don’t see him being the way I dream. I’m afraid I’m in love with the idea and not the person... What should I do ?

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