Part one: Intro

I’m Everett, the host of The Unicorn System. I’m a 15-year old non-binary person from Minnesota. I use they/them pronouns. I am smart, kind, empathetic, caring, compassionate, sensitive, outgoing, passionate, creative, and loyal. My hobbies are dog training, singing, camping, cooking, baking, shopping, taking care of pets, going to water parks, playing the Sims 4, and spending time with friends. I’ve been training dogs since I was 7. My favorite music genre is pop and my favorite pop artists are Ava Max, Tate McRae, Taylor Swift, and Dua Lipa. Cake is my favorite thing to bake. I have a Bichon Frise dog named Rossini and a Calico cat named Puppy. 

Part two: What I do in my time

I am very busy. School and homework take up a good amount of my time. I am also in extracurricular activities: dog agility training class, DECA (an entrepreneurship program), ANSR (Association for Nonsmokers Minnesota - the program’s goal is to reduce youth vaping in Minnesota by 30% by 2025 and end the sale of flavored tobacco), BBBS (Big Brothers Big Sisters - a mentorship program), and AMP (Autism Mentorship Program). I have therapy once a week and chores most days. I work as a dietary server at an assisted living home on Fridays and every other weekend. During the summer I often go camping. 

Part three: Trauma (won’t go into detail here)

I have CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) caused by severe and repeated childhood trauma that did not allow me to develop correctly or have a normal childhood. This trauma includes abuse, loss, relatives with substance abuse and mental health issues, bullying, being an IPV (intimate partner violence) witness, parents’ divorce, grooming, and more.

Part four: The Meadow of a Fluffy Sheep diary entry forum

I have a diary entry forum where I write and post weekly life updates. It’s called “The Meadow of a Fluffy Sheep” and it’s on this platform. I share it with my friends to get support and encouragement.

Part five: System

DID (dissociative identity disorder) is when there’s a host, who’s the main identity who fronts the most, and alters, who are different identities, and when they front, it’s their mind controlling the body. The host and alters don’t share memories and most often can’t communicate in the headspace, which results in memory gaps and dissociative amnesia, so oftentimes parts in DID systems will write each other notes to communicate with each other, filling each other in on what happened while they were fronting, for example, what they ate or if they took a shower because the alter to front next won’t have those memories. 

OSDD is like DID, except the host and alters can share memories, so there’s no need to write each other notes because the next part to front will have the memories from when the previous parts were fronting. 

I am an OSDD system. I have seven alters, meaning there are eight of us in total. 

Sara is 15 and she is the caretaker. She looks after, takes care of, and soothes the others in the system. She is compassionate, kind, gentle, patient, caring, passionate, and considerate. Her hobbies are dog training, singing, shopping, fashion, swimming, babysitting, cooking, baking, and taking care of pets.

Avery is 16 and he is a traumatic memory protector and sexual abuse protector, also a gender dysphoria holder and ANP (apparently normal part, these parts help with activities of daily living). He is pretty chill but is very protective of the system. 

Amaya is 17 and she is a crisis protector. Her role is to shield me and the others in the system from very difficult emotions we cannot cope with, such as breakdowns and anxiety attacks. She doesn’t feel, she simply exists. She’s truly a neutral entity. 

Fawne is 3. She is a little (child alter). She is calm and easygoing but is clingy when upset. She likes stuffed animals, watching kids cartoons, and reading preschooler books. 

Ruby is 6. She is a little (child alter). She is cheerful, energetic, and enthusiastic. She has big feelings and reactions to things sometimes and can get angry and distressed but not often. She likes to play an imaginary game she created, play with stuffed animals, read, draw, and play on the playground. She’s the carefree, happy child I never got to be because of trauma. 

Evie is 9. She is a little (child alter) and traumatic memory holder. Most of our trauma happened when we were nine. Her role is to hold those traumatic memories. She is vulnerable, easily triggered, and quiet most of the time. She stutters sometimes, needs a lot of support when fronting, and sometimes goes nonverbal when she’s overwhelmed or triggered. She likes to play an imaginary game she created (different from Ruby’s) and read. Her favorite animal is a bunny. Mabel is 11. She is friendly, has medium energy (not super enthusiastic or super calm), and silly. She likes swimming and art, and loves to read and be outside. She’s a typical preteen, not exactly a child but not a teenager yet either. She’s the developmentally appropriate preteen I never got to be due to trauma. 

Part six: Writing

I love writing. It’s my main coping skill and way of expressing myself. I journal every night.

Part seven: Conditions

I have autism, BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), OSDD (other specified dissociative disorder, previously known as multiple personality disorders), CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder), DPDR (depersonalization derealization disorder), and dissociative amnesia. I have an FP (favorite person, it’s a BPD term) who I am extremely attached to. I’ve had 5 FPs in the past during different parts of my life and they all ended up leaving at some point or another. I have an extreme fear of abandonment. 

Part eight: Gender identity and dysphoria

I am non-binary and experience gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria is feelings of discomfort or distress that a transgender person may experience as a result of the mismatch between their anatomy and their gender identity. Here is something I wrote, titled “A message for trans boys”, that helps explain what it is like to live as a transgender person. I do not identify as a trans boy, I identify as non-binary, but I have similar experiences to trans boys because I am transmasculine. 

TW// swearing // Hey there, so I’ve been feeling dysphoric af lately and I just wanted to write some stuff for you guys because I know you’re always feeling that way too. So first of all, people suck, society sucks, and our bodies don’t match who we are, but you are real boys, the freaking realest boys I know and I know everything can just feel so overwhelming and miserable and it can easily just become all too much but I will always, always, always believe you, no matter what. Again, people and society are the worst, I’m honestly scared of the direction things are going for trans people in America, but we got each other and I know who you are. Who you really are. You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not, I'll always see you as a boy, of course I will still see you as a boy because you are a boy. You. Are. A. Boy. You don’t have to prove anything to me because I know it deep in my heart as a fact. You have to face so so much on a daily basis that cis boys wouldn’t even be able to fathom, and I know it’s been difficult but you’re doing so amazing and just remember that you’ll get hormones and surgery eventually, I know it might feel like forever but it’s a matter of when, not if. We’ll get there. I know we will, and I’ll be here for you every step of the way. I’ll be there to help you wait, and then when it’s finally there, I’ll be there to celebrate with you. We’ll have a massive party, hm? Can you imagine how incredible it would feel to finally be able to live as what you already look like in your mind? I both can and can’t (for myself) and so I’m just waiting for that day to come so I can actually physically be who I already am in my mind. It’ll be the most amazing feeling. We’ll be sobbing from happiness, it’ll just feel like a massive, enormous weight has been taken off of us and all we can feel is lightness and euphoria. We’ll get there. And we have each other while we wait. I know it’s not fair. I know it’s fucking hard. I know it hurts like hell and it feels like being trapped in a burning building. It feels like being stuck in a burning building but no one can see that it’s burning but us. Then somebody finally sees that it’s burning and they try to help but all they have are f***ing ice cubes. So they throw the ice cubes but they melt before they reach the center. Eventually, someone calls the fire department, but traffic is slow tonight. So all we can do is sit and wait. But once in a while, someone brings in a tub of water and sits with us to make the wait for help a little more bearable. I hope I can be that person for you because you’re definitely one of those people for me. I know dysphoria isn’t just hating your body. Sometimes it’s sadness. It’s crying for the child you never got to be. It’s lying in bed, wondering who you would’ve been, if only you were cis. It’s looking at a cis guy and feeling hollow in your chest. Sometimes it’s anger. It’s screaming at the sky for the unfairness of it all. It’s wondering, “why me?”” It’s lashing out and resenting your family and friends, because even if they try, they will never understand the pain you go through, will never understand what using your name and pronouns and supporting you in your transition means to you. Sometimes it’s numbness. It’s looking in the mirror and just feeling empty. It’s taking a shower and staring at the ceiling, hands going through the motions, forcing yourself not to look down. It’s pushing your friends away because you can’t find it within you to laugh or care anymore. It’s seeing someone else and hearing someone else and people talking about someone else, not you. Sometimes it’s fear. The fear of changing in front of someone, of doctor’s appointments, of looking in the mirror when you step out of the shower. It’s the knot in your throat when you hear someone call you the wrong pronoun but you don’t have the energy in you to correct them. It’s the fear that you’ll never get to be yourself. Sometimes it’s confusion. It’s being young and wondering why those pronouns feel so wrong, why your deadname doesn’t fit you, wondering why your body feels so wrong but not having the words you need to explain yourself. It’s being young and wondering why you had to grow up so fast, in a society that is far too cruel. It’s walking past a store window on a day you’re not binding and being genuinely puzzled, because for a second, even if just a second, you forgot you were transgender. It’s expecting to see something but seeing something else entirely. Sometimes it’s exhaustion. Sometimes it’s so damn hard and you just want to sleep and never wake up again. Even if you’ve just woken up in the morning, you still feel like the weight of the world rests upon your shoulders, and your shoulders alone. It’s the feeling that no matter how much you sleep, you will never wake up to a world where you will get to be who you are without going through so much pain and effort and money. It’s wishing that someone would just hold you and tell you that they love you no matter what, no matter what- they’ll support you and fight for you and call you the right things. Dysphoria isn’t just hating your body. I know it f***ing hurts so bad and there’s no escape. It’s not something you can just “turn off” or “cope with” because how are you supposed to distract yourself from being trapped in your own body? Or rather, this body you’re stuck living in, that isn’t really yours at all? How are you supposed to deal with this constant feeling of wanting to rip your skin off because you feel disgusting and like you can’t breathe in this body? I’m not here to give you a solution or something that will fix it all. Instead, I’m here to show you that we’ll get through this together.

Part nine: Goals

Short term goals (1-year plan):

Journal every night

Focus on my schoolwork, my goals, my extracurricular activities, my life, myself

Stay connected and spend time with friends

Work in therapy to heal and recover

Stay mentally stable and healthy (this one is not going so well :’) )

Have regular self-care days for me and my alters

Long term goals (goals for life):

Graduate university

Have top surgery

Go backpacking

Run a dog breed consultant website business

Stay organized

Have adventures with friends

Have a girlfriend

Have a Japanese Chin and a Mini Goldendoodle (these are my favorite breeds of dog, if you’re going to google what a Japanese Chin is, please google “Japanese Chin show dog” because there are a lot of them being bred by irresponsible breeders and they don’t look good because they’re not healthy)

Babysit

Cook delicious meals

Set boundaries for myself

Go for daily jogs and bike rides with my Mini Goldendoodle

Visit a luxury resort in the Maldives called Soneva Jani

Take lots of photos

Settle into a beautiful townhouse

Become a foster parent

Part ten: Future careers

When I grow up, I want to work as a therapist at a pediatric gender clinic. I want to help trans youth like me. I also want to work with dogs, specifically as a dog trainer and dog breed consultant. 

Part eleven: Triggers

General/collective:

The Greatest Showman movie, including all of its songs

February 12th - trauma anniversary

May 14th - trauma anniversary

Talking in detail about past FPs

People using loud voices at us/yelling at us

People calling me “obsessive”

People talking in detail about AFAB (assigned female at birth) anatomy, specifically breasts and breastfeeding, including talking about bras, etc, binding and top surgery do not count

Arguments involving swearing and people generally being disrespectful or violating, specifically ones directly involving me

Being ridiculed/judged

Being ignored

Being sworn at (there’s a difference between swearing and swearing at someone)

Breakup of a friendship or relationship, especially ones where attachment figures are involved

People making sudden movements in touching me (grabbing/shoving me)

Needles

Any sort of videos of violence or gore 

Talking in general about my brother or parent who I don’t live with 

Feeling unsafe

People talking in detail about being/getting drunk, whether it’s themself or someone else

Talk of p*dophilia and grooming (we are actively working to overcome this one but it’ll take time)

Fawne, Ruby, Evie, and Mabel’s triggers specifically:

Any talking at all about previous FPs

Self harm

Suicide

Swearing

Making harmful and false assumptions about age regression (it’s weird, it’s a kink, it’s sexualizing children)

Homophobia or transphobia 

Physical or sexual violence

Graphic descriptions of sexual activity

Child abuse

Talk of bodily harm (such as damaging organs, etc)

All caps

Thank you for reading my bio, I’m sorry it was lengthy.