Strong? That still remains to be seen
I decided to come back on here as a whim, but also for some closure I think. I ran when things got tough and scary, but ive forgiven myself for that. I had to protect myself and distance myself from the things that once aided in my healing to reopening wounds that were very much already open. I regret though, because with running I lost the some of those who I would call my closest friends. I think I am finally healing, things have been rough still but because I remain standing through all of the pain thrown my way, those who have caused my pain are starting to fall. I wouldn't call what I am doing strong, though those supporting me continue to use that. I am weak, infallible and human. That human part is the most important, because I am finally seeing that which I couldn't see before. So yes, I cry, I refuse to sleep out of fear sometimes, I run from those who try to help, I lash out at myself and i feel defeated most of the time, but one thing is certain; I am still trying despite how hard the road gets.i dont know what the purpose of starting this diary is and i probably wont write often, but I think I needed to just put out in the universe, that no matter how dark the road gets, nothing has broken me and at this point in time, nothing will break me, because I'm imperfectly human and will continue to fight
Maybe I'll just use this as a place to explore things I still haven't worked through, like a private place where I can say things and work through them on my own. I guess there's a certain healing in finding conclusions in my own time, my own way.. I love my therapist and the supports I have but I still struggle to keep and hold any true connections in my life, I push and pull without meaning to. My Life is like a seesaw, mostly filled with pain at the moment, but there are small brief glimpses of peace, and I've found that is what keeps me going.. I used to love the idea of venting here and finding ways of working through stuff, though before when I was here things got too dark in my life and I overshared, in the mean time making great connections but also hurting people. This time I want to be different. I am well and truly on the path of healing and I have stood up for myself in the ultimate way, despite the adversities. One step at a time, and I've come further than I thought I would. But one thing I've found I still struggle with is that idea of strength, I think in a way I find it minimising when people say I am strong because ive never felt more weak and vulnerable.
But I am learning, I am healing, I am trying. I am still here and i am still me. (I'm gonna keep hold of that one when the going gets tough). Maybe just maybe there is a light after all and it is starting to shine, only a distant light but it's there.
@calmLake1999I can relate to how you feel. I seem happy inside but acctually im just burning with pain . I pushed alot of people away with my addiction and if i could only scream im sorry will anyone hear me. Idk ive said im sorry so many times. Still doing the same things to cause pain. I am so good at hurting people i love that i dont even think about it. I just wana change and make everything right. Im tired of crying my pain away. Wish time could change like these words im writing but scars are left and now im alone.
@thoughtfulBike6901
I'm sorry to hear of the pain your in and that your alone.. I was alone for a long time and sometimes there is nothing wrong with being alone but it can hurt and cause more trouble. I hope you find those people who will stick with you through everything, because when people truly care they won't give up or let you push them away, they will give you space when you need but will always be by your side.
So I really don't get on here as much as I used to, I actually don't even go on the internet much anymore, but I think that's a good thing.. ive been really trying to connect with myself, my values and just trying to sort through the scatteres pieces of my life, and slowly piece by piece I'm putting myself back together, like a mosiac artwork, I've been broken but putting the pieces back together to make a new, more unique version of the person I was born into.. I'm slowly learning the world without fear, there still is a ton of fear, but there is also freedom and excitement to create the life I've always dreamed of, these feelings I didn't think possible but always had hoped for are coming, slowly and surely.. my support team may be small, but they are mighty, and I'm so happy that recently I've experienced a "normal" experience.. I'm sometimes unsure if I want to continue through this life, but I take it one breath at a time, if I can just make it through the next minute than maybe I'll be ok.. and I'm making mistakes that are on me, but I guess part of the normal learning experience, reality is sometimes I feel like I'm a teenager going through puberty with all these emotions I don't even know how to cope with, but that's a big thing, I'm actually letting myself feel the emotions and just be.. no more suppressing, pretending or whatever, I'm just trying to live.. though I still dissociate often and can and have been easily triggered.
It's a long journey to find who I am, with lots of terror, sadness, exhaustion.. but I'm getting there, is probably the easiest way to put it.. I'm learning to not automatically hate myself, trying not to look at myself through the lenses of those who hurt and find a new slightly better way of looking at myself, although I don't believe it'll ever be easy, but hopefully one day it'll be worth it.. I guess that's where my hope lies, in the learning process and the trusting those who only have the best intentions.. and I'm gonna stop rambling now 😂
@calmLake1999 Very well said. I think I relate a lot with what u mentioned . I hope you make remarkable progress with your depression. Take care. 👍
To that child who was hurt so bad.
I am so sorry for the pain you have endured,
I am sorry for the violence you have witnessed.
I am sorry for all those sleepless nights
I am sorry for the hunger and times you tried not to cry.
I am sorry things were taken from you
I am sorry no one protected or ever knew.
I am sorry for the burden you had to bear.
I am sorry for the scars you had to wear.
I am sorry that you never knew love.
Or comfort or security or even safe.
I am sorry you had no one to turn to,
When life grew all so dark,
You turned into a fighter, shy and quiet
Protector of those who needed protecting,
And for those who didn't deserve your protection.
You became a shining light,
Inside of a very dark night.
When I look now at children of that age,
I realise you never belonged in a cage.
But you fought hard to find a way out
Despite all of that disbelief and doubt.
You fought hard to be someone who despite the pain,
Became all so caring and never showed disdain.
You deserve all the good in life,
And though that hasn't come to fruition,
I beg of you to continue to use your intuition.
Because one day you will find,
Some calm and peace of mind.
This pains me to say,
But that I child I see..
Is that haunted little girl.
Who was once me.
I just wanted to post this in here because this poem was a turning point. A way to give back the blame and shame that belongs to those who hurt me, especially when I was a child. I as the adult me, embraced this poem to offer the apology to that small vulnerable and hurt child who sits inside, crying and getting angry, I'm giving her compassion and empathy and trying hard to do the self soothing and self care, not just for me because I see now it's the child me that's needs it the most not the adult me..
@calmLake1999
this poem brought tears to me eyes. I can see myself in it, a daunting reflection
@wittyCoco
It' is a daunting reflection, I'm sorry that you see yourself in it.. but it was also an apology from the adult me to the child me who was hurt, it was that apology that I'll never get from those who inflicted such wounds.. I found writing this poem kind of freeing, and I hope you are able to find that. Thank you for commenting
I need to write this out because I've been having troubles with it.. I wanna go along with the flow of things but I overthink things and do tend to see how bad things go as opposed to how good things can be.. so I've been talking to this guy who genuinely seems really nice and interested in me (which immediately brings up the why?) But I keep overthinking it, swinging between I could never ever be good enough for a nice guy or maybe hes not really nice and its all a trick.. it's so confusing because I have never had any guidance with this sort of stuff and never had to deal with these feelings that are coming up because I do kinda like him and the conversations have been intelligent and funny..
I'm just confused as to how to handle this, like do I go with the flow? Or do I cut off communication and run? But running is what I do best and i dont really wanna do the running thing anymore, especially when normal experiences is what I want.. but even normal experiences can lead to bad things because of bad decisions.. hmm there is so much confusion and stuff in my head right now..
It's a funny thing to put your heart on the line,
To open up and try a new rhyme..
To hope for something different and new,
To hope it doesn't change in time..
A wanting for something happy not sad
A wish for something good not bad..
A change in the tides,
Or so to speak..
A new experience
And memories to seek..
An opening of the world,
That I once knew..
Trying to be nothing but an ordinary girl..
But also remain true..
To speak so freely,
And have it flow...
Running with this new idea
But still it take it slow..
I feel my walls building and crashing..
A mix of my beliefs completely clashing..
The New stronger me,
Wants to stand tall and proud..
The old vulnerable me,
Speaks so cruely and loud..
I find I'm at odds with myself..
Trying hard to put these fears on the shelf..
Will I necessarily get hurt?
That is yet to be seen..
But if I don't try,
Then I dont seem too keen..
On putting the hurt and fear in the past..
Of finding new survival mechanisms,
That'll surely last..
One more last hope and dream..
Is that maybe I will finally be free
@nonethewiser
Hi Wize, I tagged you here because I was reading around (sounds kinda creepy) but uhm I just wanted to say I hope you are ok.. sending you lots of love and I'm here for you if you need to vent or just someone to sit with you.. I wasn't sure about writing anywhere else but just wanted you to know I'm here for you ❤ (sorry if this is weird but yeah just wanted to let you know that)
I'm soo confused and discouraged, but still don't want to give up yet, cause maybe it's just me.. I need to disconnect again but it's too cold to be in nature
@calmLake1999
I have felt that way several times so I know what you mean. My advice is to always to push on ..then see the results
I need help, I wish I had someone I could turn to about this because I don't know what to do here, this situation is completely new and confusing 😓
@calmLake1999 hey there calm. I am very busy now a days but i just stumbled across ur thread here and havent read up on anything. But want ya to know i am thinkin of you. I have been for a very long time (since u been gone really). I just got home from work and gotta lay down to go again. U keep it together, ok? Remember, I do think u are awesome. Never forget that.
