Strong? That still remains to be seen
I decided to come back on here as a whim, but also for some closure I think. I ran when things got tough and scary, but ive forgiven myself for that. I had to protect myself and distance myself from the things that once aided in my healing to reopening wounds that were very much already open. I regret though, because with running I lost the some of those who I would call my closest friends. I think I am finally healing, things have been rough still but because I remain standing through all of the pain thrown my way, those who have caused my pain are starting to fall. I wouldn't call what I am doing strong, though those supporting me continue to use that. I am weak, infallible and human. That human part is the most important, because I am finally seeing that which I couldn't see before. So yes, I cry, I refuse to sleep out of fear sometimes, I run from those who try to help, I lash out at myself and i feel defeated most of the time, but one thing is certain; I am still trying despite how hard the road gets.i dont know what the purpose of starting this diary is and i probably wont write often, but I think I needed to just put out in the universe, that no matter how dark the road gets, nothing has broken me and at this point in time, nothing will break me, because I'm imperfectly human and will continue to fight
My luck with cars is not great.. first the accident at the end of last year, than my last car broke and now I hit a wombat tonight and front bumper is damaged not bad but I feel sick and so so bad that I hit the thing. I don't think it survived and now my mood has completely spiralled with thoughts I fight so hard to ignore sitting at the fore... I just wish some things in my life would run smoothly, I really just need a break from the chaos :(
I just don't know how to cope with all the excess life throws.. especially right now with certain things on my mind.. there's just gotta be an easier way to get through life, I don't know how to find peace in a world where things are just so uncertain
@Nonethewiser
Hey Wize, just checking in to see how you are doing.. I'm sorry I went a bit weird the other day my brain just had a shut down moment and I'm sorry if I became weird.. hope your doing good, sending you some love and hugs if you'd like them.. I'm here for you and believe you are an extraordinary strong woman ❤
I'm in a push and pull at the moment. I know what needs to be done, doesn't make it any easier. I've been thinking lots about this this morning cause I haven't been able to sleep. But I think that this guy I've been seeing and told not to come back around despite him ignoring that, isnt necessarily a bad guy, he just did what he did because he was angry and he has issues. It still doesn't make it right what he did but I can't put all the blame on him. I think I should have been more courteous and messaged him instead of ignoring him, I made him angry by doing that. I'm feeling numb, can't get rid of it but I'd prefer to be numb. I don't think what happened on Sunday was that bad but my brain is reacting the way it has in the past. I think there were similarities and that's why my brain is reacting. I have put my boundaries up stronger this time, but I don't want to villianise him either because there are good really good parts about him but somehow he has been showing everything but that. I acknowledge that he and i just aren't compatible and i dont wanna wish him any I'll wishes, but I do hope he sorts himself out before getting into a relationship, he needs to work on his anger and power issues, because what happened on the Sunday was not right. However I know that I made mistakes too, by ignoring him and not putting stronger boundaries up I think I gave off the impression that I was easy to walk over, do whatever with. This too shall pass
A lifetime of yesterdays
All the wasted time on my hands
Turns to sand
And fades in the wind
Crossing lines
Small crimes
Taking back what is mine
I feed on the friction
I'm right where I should be
Don't try and fix me
I'm fine in the fire
I feed on the friction
I'm right where I should be
Don't try and fix me
Crazy crazy past few weeks.. I don't know how people deal with these feelings things they confuse and make things so much more difficult.. I know what's happening isn't healthy, talking with my therapist about things and even a friend but I can't get myself out. When he's nice he's really nice and i feel cared for and kinda wanted which is a new feeling but there's so many bad things too and things I don't know how to overlook because he goes from making me feel good to feeling like crap, like I've felt before.. just so confused and when I'm alone I know it needs to be over, done finished.. but when he shows up unexpectedly I lose those thoughts, I actually lose all thoughts, actions words.. I don't know it's really hard to navigate this.. kinda like the name of my diary, strong? Definitely not, trying to find how to be strong but this time is different, i want this to be different
Confused is a state I feel right now.. my therapist says that she sees me going stronger each time she sees me but I don't know how, I swear I've been having more breakdowns than normal, but at the same time I guess I kinda see what she means, I pick myself up alot quicker than I did before and can ground out of my dissociation faster too . I'm a very confused mess right now, so I'm gonna write this out just in order to get it off my brain so maybe I can crash for a few hours. Especially cause I'm alone now and i can sleep better when he's gone.
So I think my feelings are completely gone for him now, but the only problem is I don't know how to make him go away for good. I also gotta work on grounding more when hes around because I'm not me or the new me when he comes over. Im weak and shutdown, I definitely dived into trying to date way too soon. I just had a craving for a normal life and isn't that a part of being a 27 year old woman is dating? Idk at least I've got 2 solid friends who I sometimes reach out to when things get really tough, I just feel still like a burden.. I'm assuming this will always play a part in my life, working on it but it's still there..
I have no idea where my thoughts just went, all I do know is that I gotta be somehow not necessarily stronger but find a way to assert myself completely with him and not become numb and weak.
I'm trying hard to be strong and reflect on what I knows gets me through but atm I can't be, I'm tired and worn down and weak.. I think I might make this my last post here, I'm not supposed to be on my phone anyway.
Sometimes no matter how hard you try to outrun the darkness that has consumed your life you find yourself back in the same cycle, so maybe I stop outrunning it now. Maybe I just make a final decision and let that be it. I don't know, i have a lot of hurt feelings and more right now. I am not the strong person my therapist thinks I am. I am but just me, tryng to navigate such a cruel and hurtful World.
I've spent most of today observing, just observing myself really, my reactions, my thoughts, my body's subtle little hints that things are not right in this moment.. I forget to do that I think, I get caught up in the fears and the past and some of the present that I forget to sit back and observe.. I did that alot as a child, I barely spoke and i observed, other people not myself, I observed how people changed, what set the changes off and what didn't.. I think I learnt more in school because I observed and came up with conclusions.. I never did figure out how to avoid those harmful people but that is a fault I'll eventually fix, or maybe I won't because who can really tell who is harmful, facades can be very effective you see... but in saying that is there subtle little hints that show you who a person truly is or is the facade enough. . I try not to judge people on what I initially see but I do observe a lot more than people would realise because I feel like I have to observe in order to find where the danger may lie. So today has been an observing day something I forget to do often. I used to be really good at observing my surroundings and other people but I'm trying to turn that in words to figure out if I'm missing subtle clues that lie within me. I'm not really sure at the moment, I'm not making decisions because I'm not good at that. I'm good at judging myself and blaming myself, but I don't know if that's my trait or a trait imprinted onto me. My body is telling me something's isn't right at the moment. I spent today just lying in bed staring, not thinking or doing anything just staring and I think that in itself is a clue that things are really bad right now. But how do I change it? The answer lies there somewhere deeply hidden within this fog of derealization, its a coping mechanism at its worse I think.. it's a resigned way of just getting the bad parts over. I can't process until the danger is gone, but who do I tell what is happening now? I put the facade up and people think things are fine.. but things are far from fine...
Clarity is something I seek...
As I've become all too meek..
This state of apathy and confusion..
A numbness and disillusion..
I need to breathe.
I need to speak.
I need to clear.
The mind is all too weak..
You do not own me.
You do not control me.
I don't know if I can even write poetry anymore, I am ironically writing this while at work because I can clear my head and actually find a way to communicate my needs.. my space to speak the forbidden thoughts.. ive been listening to slipknot and tools New albums and have found strength in their songs.. once again I will fight, once I get past the load of shifts I signed myself up for as a escape..
I'm sorry to anyone who reads this mess of a diary or whatever here.. I thought I'd found a strength and was excited to write about new adventures and ways of coping, but unfortunately life can be a cruel repeat of the same sometimes..
Note to self, life is what we make of it. There MUST be a reason or lesson as to why I'm here again, I need to figure that out, figure it out on my own and then go back to my therapist. Because at this point in time maybe he is right, I can't be in therapy with this stuff going on, I should be but it confuses me. I need to make the right call and i can't for some unknown reason I can't get out of this right now. So i accept it, this is where I need to be apparently and i accept the consequences ive brought upon myself. I chose to try dating when I obviously wasn't ready and therefore chose someone all too familiar with the past, because familiar is safe I've had this conversation with myself before. So there has got to be a lesson to learn in all this. If not well maybe it will show that I am not afterall strong enough to break the cycle. I need to breathe now and get ready. This is just dating and he is just showing me what happens in a relationship I guess. Just breathe tat you've got this. You can get through this. He is just helping you grow.
Maybe he does have feelings for me afterall... Just breathe and focus on the lyrics of the favourite song, that helps, always does.
