Strong? That still remains to be seen
I decided to come back on here as a whim, but also for some closure I think. I ran when things got tough and scary, but ive forgiven myself for that. I had to protect myself and distance myself from the things that once aided in my healing to reopening wounds that were very much already open. I regret though, because with running I lost the some of those who I would call my closest friends. I think I am finally healing, things have been rough still but because I remain standing through all of the pain thrown my way, those who have caused my pain are starting to fall. I wouldn't call what I am doing strong, though those supporting me continue to use that. I am weak, infallible and human. That human part is the most important, because I am finally seeing that which I couldn't see before. So yes, I cry, I refuse to sleep out of fear sometimes, I run from those who try to help, I lash out at myself and i feel defeated most of the time, but one thing is certain; I am still trying despite how hard the road gets.i dont know what the purpose of starting this diary is and i probably wont write often, but I think I needed to just put out in the universe, that no matter how dark the road gets, nothing has broken me and at this point in time, nothing will break me, because I'm imperfectly human and will continue to fight
I'm extremely concerned right now and kinda torn. I have so many thoughts in my head, so so so many, trying to process but it's like my mind shuts down and reboots, then sometimes randomly plays a song. That's not why I'm concerned though. My brain has mysterious ways of working, always has but it's how it is. I don't know how to manage this feeling, this wanting to save, maybe it is a downfall.. I can't save someone who doesn't want saving or doesn't see the error in their ways, but it's those guilt ridden words that make me pause in my assertiveness. I don't want to be heartless or uncaring, I want to help where I can, but I don't want to be hurt again either. It's such an unfair scenario, who do I choose to help? Myself? I don't know how to put myself first, I know how to care for others and especially when it ends up being detrimental to me. Is that a fault within me. Is that how I see myself in the same cycles over and over again? It's possible. Though I do want to change the cycle for good. I want safety, calm, happiness, peace. But why then do I want to help or save the person who doesn't contribute to my safety? I think maybe I truly am my own worst enemy, in that i can't maintain my assertiveness, boundaries because I am concerned. I am concerned about his safety right now not my own. I'm breathing against that part of me that wants to help because it is not good for me. But I'm still torn and concerned.
@nonethewiser
Hey Wize, your on my mind today, just wondering how you are doing? Sending you hugs and love.. I'm here for you ❤
I am confounded as to how people's minds work!
Why am I the one who has done something wrong? Why must I be the villain in your story. I apologize if I did do something wrong but all I did was try to have a normal relationship, try and move on with life yet you decided it was your way only and if not I paid the price. Please don't make me the villain because I wouldn't put myself in harm's way to help you with what I am sure is a tactic to make me afraid to leave you. You used my empathy, my childhood, my insecurities against me. I did nothing but make excuses for you and try to be better, try to be enough..but I'm starting to see that no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I try be your definition of normal, it'll never be enough. I apologize for putting myself first but I need to prioritise myself, because I can not travel down this path any more..
Above is the things I wish I could say but i can't actually say those things, not yet at least. Tonight has been another night of shit even though I'm at work, being at work though helps me have more clarity.
So I flighted for a few days, disconnected from everything and waited til I could see my therapist. I don't really trust myself or my reactions. I think it helped though, I turned my phone off, disconnected all accounts and just slept and went to work.. I feel numb but also a little stronger than the other night.
Just thinking today. I have this feeling I can't quite pinpoint. It's a mix of sadness and defeat maybe, I'm not sure, I'm not very good at naming my feelings. I've just been thinking about the idea of me just being temporary in other people's lives. I feel like I only serve purpose to other people when it suits them. Even with my mother I only served a purpose while it suited her, there was no love nor affection nor even feeling of belonging, I was just a tool, to take her hurt out on, to sell to her friend, to be caretaker.. only a tool and I think that's all I am a tool and temporary in people's lives now. With him I'm a tool for his pleasures but I've only been a temporary tool.. with my friends my very close two friends I have now, I feel like I am only temporary with them, in life I am temporary maybe, I'm not permanent to anyone. Maybe it's on me because I have a tendency to retreat, to flight, to freeze.. maybe I made myself temporary. I am sinking a little right now but at least I'm not numb, and I'm not trying to flight from my feelings.. I need to sit with these until I feel I can cope with them. I've always believed I don't belong in this world, I've always had that disconnect feeling but maybe it's because I am just a temporary fixture in other people's lives. The really bad thing is though, I maybe temporary to others but I hold those wounds they inflicted permanently 😭 I just need to learn to live with it I think. Some self care might be in order
So sleeping problems have come back, I can only sleep any amount of time during the day, I guess it makes sense as I'm hypervigilant and jumping at every noise, just annoying because thought I'd gotten to a place where I could sleep, still had the nightmares but I was getting better at self soothing.. I'm just trying to find a solution that works this time but it might just be a time thing again. I did just get home from an hour and half drive which is so much easier to do at midnight with less traffic but not so good when my thoughts go haywire and I try to find the easy way out, reverting to some old coping mechanisms but still saved by the fear of getting out of my car .. great conundrum I make.. I don't think I'm making a lot of sense but maybe just writing will get everything out enough to catch an hour or two of sleep. I wonder what it would be like to have a normal 8 hours of sleep without nightmares, I wonder if my mood would be much improved? Or maybe it would just help from being so scattered and irritable. I've been very irritable lately, I'm assuming lack of sleep and being on edge is making me this way, at least I don't have work today so I can just try and rest through the day a bit.... I'm really just angry at myself tonight, been stuck in memories through most of the night and analysing every word and facial expression and just being me that I did wrong. Maybe it's on me maybe it's both of us, I'm kinda spiralling maybe need to stop now
Things with him are over I believe though things went very badly I think it's finally done. I hope it's finally done. I can't think or concentrate. I need to rest. My concentration and focus is limited. There is a lot of hurt. But it's over.
I'm feeling very alone in the world now. Nothing makes sense. My mind is trying to come up with reasons why but the only reason it can come up with is me. I dislike my brain sometimes but it also makes sense. I'm on edge but also not. Feeling very hopeless. How will it ever get better if I'm the constant variable in these situations? I'm feeling very tired but sleep won't come.