Strong? That still remains to be seen
I decided to come back on here as a whim, but also for some closure I think. I ran when things got tough and scary, but ive forgiven myself for that. I had to protect myself and distance myself from the things that once aided in my healing to reopening wounds that were very much already open. I regret though, because with running I lost the some of those who I would call my closest friends. I think I am finally healing, things have been rough still but because I remain standing through all of the pain thrown my way, those who have caused my pain are starting to fall. I wouldn't call what I am doing strong, though those supporting me continue to use that. I am weak, infallible and human. That human part is the most important, because I am finally seeing that which I couldn't see before. So yes, I cry, I refuse to sleep out of fear sometimes, I run from those who try to help, I lash out at myself and i feel defeated most of the time, but one thing is certain; I am still trying despite how hard the road gets.i dont know what the purpose of starting this diary is and i probably wont write often, but I think I needed to just put out in the universe, that no matter how dark the road gets, nothing has broken me and at this point in time, nothing will break me, because I'm imperfectly human and will continue to fight
I have a thumping headache and i am so so mad! He has no right to say things like we are meant to be together and I can't ever leave him, like wth?!?! I hate when he does this, he acts like he didn't even hurt me today and that nothing is wrong.. and if I show I'm mad things will just get bad and he will get mad! I even had to lie just to ensure he didn't come back around, I hate lying it's not right to lie.. I wish I could just make him stop and go away but he just won't and then i feel guilty because I know I'm not normal and not a "catch" and that I have "too much baggage" but I just want the nice guy he started off as back or for him to go away.. I really really wanna see my therapist again because I feel like I'm losing it..
I need to go back to being resigned but I'm mad now and i feel so stuck!
Wondering am I a provoker, have I done nothing but provoke him? Is that why I am stuck where I am right now? So frustrating this is why I need to see my therapist but he's coming around soon and staying with me until I go back to work in the afternoon, he's pissed because he knows I was at home last night instead of work. I provoked that, I shouldn't have lied but all I wanted was a night on my own after id finished work. And i have so many thoughts racing through my mind, I need to quiet them and numb myself a little because otherwise it'll be another argument and I never win in those. I have maybe half hour left to myself before he will be here..
I just wonder why there is that broken part of me that fights sometimes or provokes, because that's what I'm doing isn't it? The lying, the snapping at him, asking him to just leave me alone.. it's all provoking him to get mad. How did I get myself back into such a vicious cycle? After fighting so hard to get out of the last! The Little Girl inside me is so angry. I don't know if it's the familiar, but that is not what drew me in to begin with, he was so amazing in the beginning, he seemed so sweet and understanding.. it may be another argument because I have Slipknot playing in my mind which is not helping, I think my music tells me to pay attention to what is not right, when I don't listen to my intuition.
Theme song for today is unsainted from Slipknot.. its playing on a repetitive loop in my mind..
I got hold of my therapist today which was a good thing, I think anyway. I'm worried about the consequences of doing so but I need her help, I'm not sure I can continue down this path. I'm flickering between just being numb when he is around to being mad and I am constantly setting him off. The other night I made things more intense because I argued back, which I know from experience is never a wise thing to do but I just couldn't find it in me to stop until things got intense and then my natural freeze response kicked in. It's unfair though that he comes up with new ways to hurt me. I'm struggling with the shame from the other night. Shame from arguing when I shouldn't have and shame from things that happened after. Shame is such a toxic feeling, it just is dragging me down. Making me feel like I don't deserve to reach out for help. It's like what I wrote the other night about provoking, I have gotta stop provoking but I'm so stuck between a rock and a hard place with this because even though I do not mean to provoke in some of what I do it still seems to provoke him.
This is not how I imagine a relationship to be. This is not where I thought I'd end up again. I don't even know where to start off with my therapist, because I don't know if it's even worth wasting her time, I don't know how to make it end.
Fear Inoculum is my song atm.. I don't think I can go to my appointment after all.. I can't let anyone know what is happening. It's just what is happening, I can't change it.
So kinda proud of myself, I went to my appointment today,didn't say much about what was going on,but I think my therapist picked up on something. She said I'd tell her in my own time. It just felt good to be there and talk with her again. Even if it wasn't about what I needed it to be about. Hoping for an uneventful night I should be sleeping but I'm feeling hyped and listening to music to keep thoughts at bay... Today was at least a productive one. I did something for me.
@nonethewiser
Hey Wize, hope you are feeling more self compassion this morning. I'm here for you, sending you lots of love. Woke up this morning and thought I'd check in on you. *hugs* ❤️
Maybe I was wrong? Maybe he does truly like me and he just doesn't know how to react? I don't know it's like a rollercoaster with him . But I was so scared tonight for him and then he lashed at me again, he called me saying that he was done with life and I felt like I had to help him. I knew I shouldn't have played the card I did. I just wanted out but if I leave him and break it off with help, he's just going to hurt himself. So what do I do now? I need to reflect lots I think because I'm teetering on a see saw with no end in sight. I'd say I should just run but I really like where I live now so that's out. Besides him everything else in my life is pretty smooth atm.. when I have alone time and I do some yoga to help me calm down, I feel less overwhelmed, I do have intense thoughts still bit I've learner to sit with them. I don't fear every noise anymore, I only fear when he's around, I sleep better with a few exceptions and I have slowly started to eat. I think I have to be grateful for other things. And maybe this relationship thing is normal, I just am unsure what normal truly is.
Hmm I just need to breathe and reflect.. maybe some yoga and a cup of tea to help.
Support, I sought out support from my therapist because something needs to change. The change I can't bring myself to do for fear of him, of what he will do to himself, of what he will do to me. I can't even name it, what has been happening, it's not even a shield for anyone but me. If I shield myself from those words, the words I know too well now - abusive, traumatic, power, control - I don't want those words to apply here, not to this relationship. Though I see the merit in naming things for what they are, I can't name what has been happening with him, I keep saying its a relationship because then I won't feel so lost, so helpless, so powerless. I don't want to admit those feelings, at least not right now. I'm so scared for him, if I do follow through and break things off will he actually jump this time? If I don't answer his messages, will he hurt himself. I can take pain, I've dealt with it a lot of my life, and he only gets angry cause I mess up, cause I get mad back at him. But my gut, my intuition is screaming at me to listen, to pay attention because it is not right. It's not right for him to come around when I say don't, it's not right for him to force me to do things I've said no to. It's a similar but different situation from the past.. sooo many similarities that the familiar shows me what to do, be submissive, be good, don't react, behave.. but it's fighting against the me that never wanted that! The little girl inside hates the adult me now 