My diary 2020

Hi all. It is friday! And I have passed the interview!! For retail at a super urban, small mall that took over an abandoned industrial building so it just holds alot of history and I love the bricks y'know...that industrial style. When I move to a house I'll be sure to implement industrial elements. So yeah. I'm 23 and just I felt good there. It's not wrong to have a pretty basic dream right. I want a workplace to call home, where there's trust with managers, and there's something different everyday. It's fun to see new merchandise coming in every few weeks and suggest it to customers. (Selling Halloween home decor now)

I want there to be an opportunity where I meet new friends with similar interests there. Both employees, or customers, I can speak with them right? I'll have orientation next week and I think I should ask if it's ok to ask a customer on a date...included in my dream for future is having a boyfriend turned husband lol.

Are there any dreams that you feel embarrassed to talk about? I just want to feel set and belong somewhere.

So yeah, in this society where people thrive on setting goals and accomplishing them super fast and moving on without appreciating their work so far...just looking ahead...I feel I'm different because I just seek acceptance.

I'm enjoying time listening to Hwasa and Jamie (formerly Jimin from girl group). I must say, I love dancing. My friends ask me my interests and I say dancing, and when I was jobless that's all that made me feel confident, but my friends look at me and say do you ACTUALLY feel passionate about it? They think I need to make tiktok dances to show that I love it? I think my friends aren't the ones I'm exactly set to have for life...wanting to widen friend group. We get into arguments because of miscommunication, because either she isn't understanding my sarcastic words or she truly doesn't see my intentions...yeah...I need something else.

Otherwise I'm pretty good. I have a week of free time still so I'll aim to finish cleaning my room. Still haven't cleared desks or put lamp on YET. will update once that's done.

Period pain. Yelling the entire day. Screaming at top of lungs in frustration to family. Feeling I'll be so so lame and stereotypical garbage emotional girl at first day of work. My itchiness of eczema won't go away. What to do? Did I accomplish anything, other than make my own blood boil and family

Feeling chronically tired and sleepy. Interested in new things I guess. Corpse husband is a youtuber...weird name...but I'm a fan of pewdiepie, his philosophical, open, self, that has a smile that can brighten up the room....anyway he and his friends introduced us fans to corpsey and his deep voice and pure heart with his pure laugh makes me excited to learn about someone and stuffs....been looking to get therapy....idk....mywellbeing is an intriguing site

Chickened out again...will do more self help reading. I love Louise Hay. Let me at least form a favorites list of books before then dishing out money to talk to a professional. I can hear from so many professionals via books. I will update once I finish. My room is still a tornado disaster it seems. It's such a joy to throw things onto the floor...oh just me? Just stuffs...feeling like oh, it's fine to tthrow these old papers on the floor, ladida, but yeah I need to do a weekly clean. Haven't gone to work, so frustrated no open communication which makes me feel at fault. They dont want me in yet. Stressed out as I barely talk to family but want to be dragged by them, like oh your going to work let me come with you, and then we dont talk at all. I want a good smelling room. I need to buy tons...but I don't want to. I dont have a desk...I just use my dresser as a table but then I don't have leg room because it's just drawers there....its gonna be heavy to bring up furniture into my upstairs bedroom. Should I not need a table at all? But I'm thinking if candles...so should I just use room sprays, or a humidifier. let me get a humidifier. I need to fully clean before I can get that because I heard it's bad for people with asthma because damo and dusty is bad bad. So I've joined the site myeczemateam what a strange but necessary site. Doctors put some stuff in, but right now too lazy to read, but I went ahead and messaged encouraging messages to others suffering eczema.

Wow the weather is so nice. Love it. Mid 70s sunny breezy. having good weather means I can wear my cutest outfits I feel confident it. Love this tank top with bra already in it. From primark I believe. I'll probably buy some more. Some days my outfits are fails...like this jacket that is too big....but as long as I wear boots with it, it doesn't appear too big. One of my fave outfits I've worn is silver ankle high boots, red skirt and white crop top. Another one for comfiness...like right now is sweats, black tank, sweater and this brown pleather jacket I adore, which was $10 from mandees I'm prettyyy sure. My allergies/ ezcema flared pretty bad but I dealt with it and turned it around. Drank water, used bathroom, and I feel the toxins leave my body. Most itchy areas...regardless if I use my steroidal cream...are back and neck....argh...

Things i like, and what made me feel more myself since two days ago

1. Drink just enough alcohol to let me dance freely and just get all loosy goosy. I dont care for people who say alcohol in any amount is bad bad bad. I know I want to feel this way, I will, one day, find out how to feel loosy goosy, silly happy, on my own. But for now I know I'm staying HOME and I need a stress reliever. I'm reading this thing about tendencies on my Libby app and that will go into detail about people and their idea of "healthy moderation" being a rebel isn't necessarily bad. So I'll update this post after reading 3 chapters of the book.

2. Been finding good manga. Just my type. I'm into yaoi. Absolutely love it. Oh um I bought adult toys, and I'm excited, I'm in my 20s of course I can buy it now, it needs to be normalized. Segway into how my family been treating me...I was watching "you're the worst" English comedy, on hulu, which i like...and my grandma who i adore...was like so offended watching the main character masturbate. She just says why are they showing kids bad things...wtf wtf she doesn't follow the story at all and she judges. He was in a lot of stress and confusion after the breakup, people need to cope. So that's how he coped and really wanted to stay sane and not attach to a person unhealthily. Anyways, good yaois out there. I love comedy ones. But with sexy faces. Anyways. Dont flag my post. Just speaking taboo things. Let me be me

Today's the day finally working first day. Dad drove me, how considerate. He drives my older sis too. The one thing I'm grateful to him for....gas is money. I dont get how people lose excitement for there work. Such a sad sight . People dream and that's all they do

I dont think I'm like that . I dont have a dream really. I want to find contentness in whatever I am doing. Not chase something I dont have. So I think I'll like retail. Shopping is such a natural high for me. Hours pass by without me knowing, either online or in store, so much to compare and just see how it will benefit and change my life hehe I do want to be quite minimalist and I dont see it as a problem, I am very selective on what I buy. I like my outfit today. Cropped sweater, with a sexy body suit under, to remind myself I'm sexy but also so that my bare skin isn't exposed when I raise my arms, and a high waisted khaki pants. For jewelry I have this mature looking droop gem earring and a silver choker. Makeup went well today. Brown eyeshadow on the bottom lash line really makes a pretty difference, bigger eyes, I just feel elegant and put together. My room is well decorated now. Not thorough clean but tables have my fave items and it's a nice design now

Done with my first day, onto my second. This happens every time. I get eexcited for something new. and then I get scared of people, and dont feel worthy or just

..I fear looking people in the eye. It's so tough.

I think I need to add more things to my room to make me feel better. I think looking at myself in a full body mirror will just let me remind myself who I am. What my good features are, and to see my "flaws" and understand them better so I can move forward. Idk. Does anyone relate to just feeling like their invisible and floating through society? I just forget how I look...and that I'm seen...

I'm sad, feeling burdened, and the temperature changes are driving me crazy. So it's been full week at my new job. I do want to give back story to my life just because why hide it...my mom passed away when I was 10. I think. I cant remember my childhood well at all. I had gone to counseling, forced, at elementary school. I had no tears to give. I just wanted to play with play-doh. My ezcema was severe at that time. No one olunderstood me. I have 3 aunts on my dad's side, all very americanized. 2 aunts and one uncle on mom's side, they are closer to their chinese heritage because they married a chinese spouse. All my aunts married englishmen. They are kinda here for me. One aunt, second to oldest, decided to not have kids with her husband. She treats me and my sister kind of intensively idk. I didnt tell her I quit my job and moved on to another. Then my grandma told her and then my aunt called me; she tells me stupid stuff like we all love you, or whatever. I remember around my birthday maybe when I was 12 or older ..I was at her house and tried to choke myself to death. I still laugh at that. Whatever whatever I want to bury that .

She really wants me to have a "proper" full time job. Right now retail is just giving me a part time job...I do believe they will be offering me full time. It's a process and its customer service skills learned along the way. But I need to argue my point like crazy until they understand. On my days off I feel so sad.

I just want to get drunk :( :( I did actually clean my room enough to have cute gems on table top alongside my himilayan salt lamp. But I dont feel accomplished or pretty yet idk I'm not alcoholic because I didnt have that many consecutive days of drinking...but I know I'm not in a good emotional state without it. My dad is angry at me...wants me to speak up more, like reserve an appointment in order to get him to drive me to work. Whatever whatever I want to bury those thoughts too. I like taking the train to work but I am more aware of how lonely i am. When I'm drunk i feel like my energy is just...better and people are attracted to me and I'm attracted to them. It's just that i feel the bubble i close myself in just melt away so that my bubble and others bubbles join forces and magic happens.

Listening to SZA radio, I feel better I guess.

It's ok if I paste a link to pinterest? Too much to copy paste all quotes http://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/784541197566971059/

I will tell myself

I am in love with myself

I am worthy

I will be kind to myself and others

Its painful and not easy to believe in the words but please let me try. I'm now going to take pics of bright colors. I see yellow building and yellowing leaves of a tree. Please help me